KitCat Italica

she/her - 30s - American - mostly Good Omens for the past few years, occasionally other fandom stuff and things I like :) - My AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KitCat_Italica

[kitcat-italica]

Didn't sleep last night. Cried a bunch, had flashbacks of hands touching me, and self-harmed instead.

I've since slept a few hours this morning, which helped. Now I just feel drained.

I'm so torn about good omens rn. On the one hand, I keep obsessively retreating in my head to my version of Aziraphale and Crowley, to comfort me after the night I just had. On the other hand, anything to do with canon Aziraphale and Crowley—including looking at fanart—is making my stomach twist in knots. I don't have the heart to try writing fanfic rn either, still feel too fragile.

I'll probably be deleting Tumblr from my phone for a while, to detox myself from this fandom. Don't know when I'll be back. Just need to take care of myself. Bye.

[mistysblueboxstuff]

golden snek

[kitcat-italica]

I only have vague images and body sensations jumbled together of when I was molested at age 3. I wasn't making true memories back then, and I didn't even have proper context for what was happening to me, so my brain couldn't put it all together. But my PTSD symptoms permeated my adolescence and adulthood, making life much harder for me. Life was so so hard, I kept struggling so much, and I had no idea why. It wasn't until a few years ago in therapy that I put the pieces together, and now I have a new (shameful, working on the shame of it) story to tell about myself.

That whole time, no one else reflected back to me that something horrible had happened to me. Reality didn't reflect my pain back. I had these roiling emotions and shame inside me, but nothing else outside my reality showed those emotions were warranted. So I learned not to trust my own emotions. Even today, I still rely on the reassurance of others that my read of reality is correct, that I can trust my own gut instincts, that my feelings are still valid even if no one else shares them.

I think this is part of why the good omens finale is affecting me so deeply. The finale itself presented itself with the tone of "this ending is happy, actually." And plenty of people online are happy about it, and being very condescending and reductive of the opinions of people who didn't like it (acting as if the only grievance is "they didn't even kiss", and that that grievance in itself isnt a worthy complaint, but I digress). I've said before, it feels like I just had a beloved friend die, and am surrounded by voices online saying "it's a good thing that they died actually, you should be happy about it."

Once again, reality is not reflecting my own pain back at me, saying I have no reason to have these roiling emotions, that I can't trust the way I feel, that it's not valid to recoil from something that hurts me. It's just reactivating and reinforcing the trauma responses all over again. I can't trust myself. It's not correct to feel this way. I should get out of the way, and shut up, and let other people live their happy lives, while I quietly fade into the background and have no feelings at all. Just like I did when I was 3, lying on that changing table while the preschool teacher did what she liked with my body.

Today has been a hard day, full of a lot of sobbing into pillows and physical flashbacks of hands grabbing me. I'm gonna try to get some sleep, and try to be normal again tomorrow. Sorry for harshing the vibe everyone.

[kitcat-italica]

Having a lot of flashbacks tonight of being violated.

I really would rather not. Would opt out of this if I could. Would not recommend.

[crowleyswig]

So you're telling me.... that if s1 was all we got.... you would be disappointed that the world was saved and Aziraphale and Crowley were still alive at the end? you would have said, gee such a shame these characters didn't commit suicide like they were clearly meant to.

You would have felt that way? you did feel that way, until s2 was announced?

Because if not, then you know damn well this wasn't "meant" to end in tragedy. If not, you know and can acknowledge that other, better endings could have been written. And if they could, wouldn't that be better?

[hamletslaststraw]

i hate that most of their physical intimacy is haunted to the point where i doubt they got to enjoy any of it. they held hands for miracles. they danced but crowley was panicking about the demons outside. he confessed knowing it was doomed. they kissed but it was out of desperation. finger kiss but they are about to die? held hands again but ah too late they are evaporating.

[atdawn]

GOOD OMENS | 2.02 The Clue

[gifs-by-renegadesstuff]

AZIRAPHALE & CROWLEY ❤️‍🩹

↳ GOOD OMENS | 3.01 “The Finale”

[missteriosas]

I ended up adding some rather quick colour to the sketch I did yesterday- Spot the blushy blush and shiny wedding ring^^

Here’s the sketch if someone’s interested :)

[fan-a-tink]

David Tennant & Michael Sheen | An Ineffable Goodbye

[scotchnlondonfogg]

If nothing else, this series overall gave them the gift of friendship.

That's kinda hard to come by in middle age.

They were lucky.

I hope we get to see them again in other projects eventually.

[rougeside10]

Awww,lovely!☺️🥰

[fuckyeahgoodomens]

Aziraphale: Then… Then you tell me that you want to do this. You look me in the eye and tell me.

Crowley [convincingly]: I want to. I long to destroy the blameless children of blameless Job, just as I destroyed his blameless goats.

Aziraphale [believing Crowley]: Then God forgive you.

[As they are both walking away in different direction a bleating sound is heard. Aziraphale turnes and sees only crows... which proceed to bleat. Crowley watches Aziraphale. Aziraphale and Crowley glance at each other. Aziraphale makes a miracle and the crows turn to goats revealing that Crowley didn't destroy the goats but changed them into crows instead.]

Aziraphale [putting his hands on his hips, cheerily]: Well.

[katharineholmes]

They are ridiculous. 🤣

[icestorming]

this is the best self indulgence ever,and that’s all your fault

[infinitevariety]

Really though. He is. This shot in particular to me. Every time I watch it. He's SO Kermit.

[godfrey-the-chaos-duck]

he really is

[alisteravictoria]

Trash Crowley | Charcoal drawing.

[kitcat-italica]

I don't want to look at good omens clip complications.

I don't want to read fanfic.

I don't want to look at fanart.

The things that once brought me joy in this fandom are giving me nothing. Everything feels so tainted and pointless, because they die in the end. Even reading anti go3 posts, which did help me feel less alone, now just make me feel tired and heavy.

I don't know where this leaves me. I'm just exhausted and defeated.

[emptypatrycja]

Where do we put our grief?

Recently I have seen some posts about how people who dislike the finale should behave. This comes from some individuals who enjoyed it. (I don’t want to say this concerns all, most, or even a large portion of such people. I am really just talking about particular ones.)

I am a bit unsettled by it. Because they essentially say that we can be unhappy, sure, but that we are spoiling others' happiness, so we have to tag everything as "anti" or whatever. (I do tag most of my rambling with "anti" tags so that I can be easily blocked. But I doubt that you can convince me that this is necessary.) At the same time, they don’t really apply a corresponding "pro" tag to themselves.

For me, this implies that happiness (not only about GO3) is treated as the default baseline. That you should not join "the party" or other social spaces if you are not in that state, if you are grieving or feeling sad, because that "mood" might be contagious. So, essentially: feel free to grieve, but do it in a dark corner of your house so no one accidentally interacts with you.

Doesn’t that mindset terrify you as well?

(Again, I am not talking about people who disliked the finale and were abusive, aggressive, etc. I am talking about those of us who simply expressed disappointment, analyzed what we believed went wrong with the plot, and described how we feel about it.)

[snek-eyes]

oh Newt 😆

[linipikk]

Anathema crashing out.

and for the relevant current situation