The Wicked & The Fallen. @kittnprncss - Tumblr Blog

I think a great way to improve communication with kids (and adults) is to make every yes or no question a this or that question.

I started doing it when after brain surgery my husband had trouble forming responses to questions for a while, and realized that the habit was helping my students engage more truthfully with me.

Some examples:

Yes/No: “Did you clean up your room like I told you?”

This/That: “Did you clean up already, or do you still need to do that?”

Yes/No: “Are you going to sit quietly?”

This/That: “Are you ready to sit and do our quiet activity, or do you need some time by yourself first?”

Yes/No: “Are you doing anything fun for your birthday?”

This/That: “Are you having a party on your birthday, or are you going to relax?”

I think many children (and adults!) are averse to telling adults “No,” especially when a command is implied. (“Did you clean your room?” “Are you going to sit quietly?” Hmmm if I say ‘no’ I will be in trouble with the adult.) So they are actually pretty likely to just lie and say what they think you want to hear.

Presenting a this or that question provides an alternative to lying, a ‘no, but’ scenario where they are presented with the reasonable consequences of a No (“if you’re not ready to sit quietly, you cannot do our quiet activity with us yet.”)

unfavorableinstigation

I find it useful professionally with adults too - "Did you have a chance to finish that project, or is it more of a next-week item?" When done sincerely (rather than passive-aggressively), it gets over rough ground lightly: it gives the other person a solution you clearly already find acceptable, so they don't have to flail around trying to defend/excuse themselves, they can just take the solution and everyone can move on.

andallshallbewell

mesmereyezer

It broke my heart but opened my eyes

rosecrystal

loulouthebrand on instagram

velvetcloak

problemnyatic

"Punishment works!!!" We're drowning in three to four generations of people so pants-shittingly terrified of ever being wrong that half of everyone has constructed a worldview wherein they never even consider the possibility that they could be wrong and the other half behaves like one wrong move will make anything or anyone explode violently into a million irreperable pieces. I don't think it works guys

problemnyatic

I know this might be a bold take but maybe teaching everyone from a young age that ever making a mistake will be met with unimaginable pain and misery doesn't actually encourage learning or correct behavior. If anything it creates a sense of terror so powerful it completely suffocates curiosity and exploration, thus leading to people knowing absolutely nothing but whatever is brought directly to them, which is a big problem in a world where information is so tightly controlled that a very small number of very powerful people basically have complete power over what people see and hear on a day-to-day basis when not actively seeking new and rigorously verified information from diverse and trustworthy sources.

problemnyatic

if any of this sounds like you, start by looking up the definition of words you've heard and are pretty sure you know what they mean, but haven't actually double-checked for yourself. Just like, whenever it occurs to you. Great first step

problemnyatic

This post goes out to the "we need to bring back bullying" crowd. Just because you aren't hitting someone physically doesn't mean you aren't being punitive. Maybe it isn't actually healthy to believe it's necessary to harass and humiliate anyone who makes you upset or uncomfortable. That sounds like a you problem actually.

problemnyatic

Anyways, breaking the cycle of abuse starts with you and how you treat yourself. You have to give yourself grace and room for error or you'll never be able to cultivate a healthier mindset than your trauma left you with. It's not easy, but you have to trust yourself that whatever seems kinder than however you usually treat yourself is probably a good enough start.

velvetcloak

elie saab | fall 2017

crimsonservbot

You ever hear that old chestnut about how most people neglect the part of the story of Icarus where he also had to avoid flying too low, lest the spray of the sea soak his feathers and cause him to fall and drown? You ever think about how different the world would be if Icarus died that way instead? If the idiom was to Fly To Close To The Sea? A warning against playing it far too safe, about not stretching your wings and soaring properly? You ever think about how Icarus died because he was happy?

crimsonservbot

If I told you I wrote this while thinking about the dangers of being visibly trans vs never trying to transition at all, happiness followed by a bright, burning end, smacking hard against a concrete ocean vs playing it too safe and never flying high, dooming you to a cold, crushing end from drowning, You'd believe me, right?