you know the other thing that I really enjoy about Good Omens? Despite being messy af and bad at talking about their feelings and using their words, Crowley and Aziraphale are just like⊠actual grown-ups. Like, their defining character traits are that that they would risk literally everything to avoid a change in their daily routine. They literally defy Heaven and face down Satan to stop the Apocalypse because after a long day they just want to unwind at home with their significant other and a nice glass of red. Like they are SO decidedly middle-aged that actual paradise to these two immortal beings of immense otherworldly power is an early dinner out with your sweetie at your favorite restaurant and then going DIRECTLY home to open a bottle of wine and throw on your favorite album. and honestly, hard same?
You briefly mentioned how Shane acts like he's been one wish willowed in the tags and now I imagine a horror version of tlg where everything about how Shane acts after being outed is a result of how Ilya in a desperate moment wished for Shane to be with being out/choosing him over hockey/something similar.
So I was thinking about how I would execute this kind of storyline and I think I personally would not have Ilya involved in stepford wifing Shane at all. Make it a totally unrelated third party, like a parasocial fan or something. Because then the horror is localized in the fact that no one notices what happened to him. Like, these are the broad strokes Iâm thinking of right nowâtrigger warning for the rape/non con inherent in this kind of premise:
Diverge from obsessionâs set up. Make it magical realism. Witches are rare but they exist and curses are real and a known part of life. Celebrities usually have precautions taken against curses but someone gets a piece of Shaneâs hair or some shit that gives them a direct link to him, bypassing any defenses.
Shane gets hit with some archaic bullshit that has been historically used to stepford wife your partner. She doesnât love you back? She doesnât respect you as the head of her household? Haha, donât worry, we can fix that. Itâs very, very, very illegal now but people can still do it.
Ilya has no part in cursing Shane. He didnât know it was happening in advance. He wasnât told about it after. This was a sincerely unilateral third party that wanted to either hurt Shane or make Ilya happy, and they thought this would do it. They are unfortunately right.
The thing about this storyline that interests me would be that it could really showcase the horror of tlgâs ending. To do that properly, I think itâd be important to not make anyoneâs actions better or worse than they actually are. Take as many direct quotes from canon as possible. Play out the scenes as they are written. Let the horror be what actually, literally happens to Shane in canon. Soften nothing, harden nothing, make it be the actual ending of the long game. Show the horror in it
And specifically the horror is that Shaneâs just hollowed out into a smiling, vacuously happy fuck doll and quite literally nobody in his life notices. Thatâs actually not fully accurateâpeople notice. Theyâre just happy about it. They like him so much better like this.
Shaneâs âhappinessâ is never real. Itâs not that he feels the happiness he claims to have or believes anything heâs doing or saying. He is fully conscious. He is aware. He is locked behind a pane of glass. He has no control over anything that heâs doing or saying. But itâs still him on the inside. He never gets to sink behind false feelings of happinessâhe has to live out the nightmare and feel everything happening to him.
Again, magic is a known element in this world. When he first gets cursed, Shane is certain that Ilya or his parents or anyone is going to notice that his entire personality has disappeared overnight and realize what happened. Theyâll hire a curse breaker and heâll be saved.
They donât.
He isnât.
Again, keep this as close to canon as possible. Take direct quotes. Use the exact words they use in canon as much as possible. People notice heâs different and theyâre so, so glad. Heâs so much better than he was before. He seems so, so happy now. Everyoneâs so relieved.
Shane spends the entire time trying to fight the curse. He gets close to regaining even a little bit of control over his body if he focuses on specific things that make him miserable and desperate and afraid. Those few statements in canon suggesting unhappiness or worry or fear are the only brief flashes of control he gets. Moments like when he says heâs worried no one will ever sign him again. He barely manages to choke the words out. Heâs hoping that someone, anyone, will notice how his giddy, lovesick happiness in every other moment doesnât comport with these flashes of unhappiness. He thinks maybe if someone just asked him a single fucking follow up question about how he feels or whatâs been happening in his life that maybe the sudden switch from expressing unhappiness to expressing delirious, saccharine, lovesick joy would make the curse clear, or maybe heâd manage to gain more control and tell someone heâs cursed. Heâs reaching out a hand and hoping someone grabs it.
Ilya fucks him happy, Ilya fucks him happy, Ilya fucks him happy
Again, make it as close to canon as possible. And that means emphasizing that Ilya has never been happier. Use exact words from the book. He is overwhelmed with happiness. This is his perfect day. His life has never been better.
Shaneâs So Happy Too. Heâs Never Been Happier. Make Him The Butt Of The Joke, Heâs Laughing Too. Post Him On Instagram, Make The Sex Tape, Take Him To Bed. Fuck Him Happy, Fuck Him Happy, Fuck Him Happy.
On the inside, Shane is just. Decaying. He is a ghost haunting himself and not a single person in his life has realized that theyâre talking to his fucking corpse.
Shaneâs isolated from Hayden, J.J., and Rose. Theyâre all in a different city, and Ilya didnât like them all that much. Heâs got his husbandâs friends now anyway. The Centaurs are all he needs.
Thereâs a subset of people online who sees his online presence 180 from Shane Fucking Hollander to Ilyaâs giggling, lovesick husband on Ilyaâs Instagram and the Centaursâ social media accounts and theyâre like âthere is no goddamn way that guy didnât get stepford wifeâd.â Itâs an online conspiracy theory with a moderate following but it doesnât have any real traction.
Ilya has a brief moment of pause when he sees it. The theory is that he had Shane cursed and that their relationship was never real to begin with and he knows thatâs not true. And thereâs never been a case of someone doing this to someone elseâs spouse. Like. The entire motive of this kind of curse is for sick, controlling fucks to do it for their own personal benefit. Heâd never do this to Shane, and no one has any reason to do this for him. What would even be the benefit? Shaneâs been⊠different, but thatâs because heâs so much happier now that theyâre out and married and playing for the same team. He says it all the time. This curse thing canât be true.
Of Course Itâs Not True. Theyâre Just Homophobic Fucks Who Want To Diminish The Life Theyâve Built Together. Shaneâs Never Been Happier. But, You, Know, Ilya, You Could Make Me Even Happier ;)
Shane gets out of it but heâs not saved by any of his loved ones. Again, the horror is just literally what happens in tlg. Everyoneâs so glad for him. Heâs so much better now that heâs learned to let go and let himself be happy.
This shit gets broken by a random fucking witch whoâs seen this curse before and clocks the signs. Again, witches in general are rare and this curse is extremely rare because it was made fuck-off illegal decades ago. Very few people even remember how to cast it and modern cases are few and far between. But this random fucking witch decides to risk catching a case and just curse breaks Shane without his prior knowledge or consent because if sheâs right the man is in hell right now. And it works. Itâs taken months, but heâs finally back in control of his own body
Crash out. Holy fuck crash out
Ilya has no idea what that spell was and tries to comfort Shane over whatever the fuck just happened and Shane does not want him to touch him. He does not need to be fucked better right now Jesus Jesus Jesus
I think one of the first things he does in his panic is wrench his wedding ring off. It wasnât even him who said I Do.
Ilya gets arrested and then released when Shane tells the police that heâs pretty sure Ilya had no idea it even happened. A stranger cast the spell and Ilya hasnât shown a single indication of knowing it happened in months.
But thatâs also sort of the issue with their relationship now. Ilya couldnât figure out that Shane got body snatched in months. And that entire time, Shaneâs been locked inside his own skull watching as heâs the butt of every joke, as his reputationâs been shredded without Ilya caring, as heâs not been consulted on a single decision Ilya makes, as his every issue was solved with Ilya bending him over the nearest flat surface and fucking him right. He canât. He canât do this right now. Maybe not ever again.
I donât think thereâs a happy ending you could claw out of this one. Like. His marriage would be annulled because he didnât actually consent to it. His contract with the Centaurs would be invalid for the same reason. But I donât see him being able to go back to hockey after this, at least not immediately. Like. Heâd need time to deal with the fact that he got turned into a glorified fuck doll and everyone in his life told him how they liked him so much better like this. Itâd be a very miserable and painful road forward.
"SHANE HATES OTHER GAY PEOPLE" actually shane co-founded and operates a mental health charity in which he intentionally invites openly LGBT players to coach a children's hockey camp something that would absolutely open him up to a lot of homophobic abuse for doing even though he himself is not out.
the other thing ill say is it could have been very interesting for reid to address the rapid and inexplicable changes to shaneâs personality at the end of the long game (immediately overcoming his disordered eating, not wanting to watch the stanley cup finals, passively forgiving everyone offscreen, being excited to play in ottawa without complications) as likeâŠâŠ. shane is experiencing a severe dissociative episode.
shane â who at this point has spent the entire book being told by literally everyone that he needs to be less mopey and anxious and to support ilyaâs life more â fully compartmentalises everything and pushes all of it down. heâs never been happier, truly. yes heâd love to host the centaurs at his new house without warning. heâd love to do a photoshoot. heâd love to post a video on instagram. heâd love to be the butt of the joke. look how much fun heâs having. this is great. he just needs to be less worried about everything and itâll all work out. ilya will take care of it. he just needs to go to the back of the line. yes, he wants another slice of chocolate cake please and thank you
ideally i think. ilya and his parents would perhaps slowly catch on that the bizarre stepford wife act is in fact a coping mechanism and shane hollander the person is in fact grieving in total freefall. itd be nice for other characters to objectively look at the situation and think. man i canât believe we were mad at shane for getting threatened by the commissioner of the nhl or being outed twice over or being accused of cheating and losing both his professional career and his reputation. but in the meantime shane is doing just awesome thanks for asking.
The first time I saw this I remember sitting right up, my mouth fell open and my hands clasped at my chest because it's. just. so. damn.soft. Plus, I love any reminders of their supernatural abilities. I have, on multiple occasions over the years, gone and watched just this moment and it never fails to make me grin with glee - it's the most perfect glimpse into the real dynamic between these two and such lovely insight into Crowley's character I think (and Aziraphale's tbh).
I think the Book of Job minisode is everything that Good Omens should be.
- Religious satire/commentary (the absurdity regarding the bet with Job, the archangels being generally clueless, the deconstruction of how to-the-letter you need to be with following the laws of religion)
- Genuinely funny (Ty Tennant having like 3 minutes of screen time and out-fruiting his dad, Jemima and her pot and wanting to be turned into a salamander, Bildad the Shuhite and all that that entails)
- an emotional, character-driven core (Aziraphale learning the limits of his own morality, the discussion of the role good and evil play in events and how each is perceived when done by different parties, learning just how similar Aziraphale and Crowley are as it pertains to personal desires (which we as the viewer know, but chronologically itâs one of the first times they connect like they do)
And of course
- the undertones (Crowley tempting Aziraphale into eating which, with the way Aziraphale devours that meat, has zero chance of not being a metaphor for some kind of physical relationship; the nature of being just a little bit different than your peers, and how that affects your views of yourself; and the purely humanistic, just-this-once-everybody-lives kind of narrative that emphasizes the importance and power of familial and interpersonal relationships)
how manual wheelchair users move (explainer for non-users)
frequently when iâm out and about with someone walking, they canât anticipate what path i will take and therefore theyâre in my way pretty frequently. this is fine! i can politely ask them to step to the side. but it makes me think about how little non-wheelchair users understand the way wheelchair users move. as someone who used to walk everywhere, it was an adjustment period for me to figure out how to navigate the world in a chair. here are some things that didnât occur to me so that you donât cut off your friend right as theyâre building momentum to go up a ramp đ
for context, i use an active manual chair. the world is very different in a power chair. even among active manual chair users, there is a huge diversity in physicality and strategies for getting around. this is a general guide that i think will apply to most manual wheelchair users. iâm starting super basic and getting more complicated as i go.
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1. manual wheelchairs are a momentum game. it is very easy to maintain speed and direction. but speeding up, slowing down, or turning, is hard. one thing this affects is if weâre on a wavy sidewalk or other twisty-turny walkway, that is a pain in the ass and i am taking as straight a path as i can.
2. wheelchair users also have to pay attention to the slope and condition of the pavement, so our path somewhere will be different than yours, even if weâre taking the same route to the same place. for example, i usually have to go down slopes straight, not diagonally, to avoid tipping over sideways. one area this affects is crosswalks. many intersections have one curb cut for both roads you could cross, which means i will go down curb cuts to a crosswalk as if i am aiming for the middle of the intersection.
your path in orange, mine in blue. to you it seems indirect, but to me itâs the path of least resistance.
i also will be building speed in the second half of the crosswalk. this is a much easier way to tackle a ramp. if i approach with momentum, i wonât have to drag myself up the slope once i get to it.
3. building momentum and maintaining it is only half of the job. the other half is stopping. manual wheelchairs cannot stop on a dime if theyâre moving with any kind of speed. if i tried to stop immediately when going downhill, i would fly out of the chair. so donât walk right into the path of a wheelchair in motion and then stop! i will have to turn to the side very quickly and hope i donât tip. i canât tell you how often parents pushing strollers will stop their stroller directly in my path and then get offended when i am alarmed and turn sharply to avoid hitting their child. from their perspective, i was being careless and going âtoo fast.â in reality, normal walking speed takes a few feet to slow down from and stop.
4. in terms of slope. see this street in san francisco?
i canât go down this street, itâs way too steep. i would give myself friction burns on my palms trying to control my speed. if i was in a situation where there was no avoiding this street, like in an emergency, i would be breaking my straight-slope rule and zig-zagging in the middle of the road.
this would require several zig-zags back and forth, more than the four that i drew. i also could not go up this road other than with this method. up or down, i risk tipping over sideways if iâm not careful.
4. in a similar vein, consider terrain. slopes with grass or carpet take huge amounts of energy to get up. this grassy hill isnât insurmountable, but it would take me like thirty minutes to get up there. honestly i would probably go backwards, because itâs easier to pull yourself up a slope than push yourself.
other types of terrain can be completely immobilizing, though. this decorative gravel pathway is beautiful, and inaccessible to me. my casters (front wheels) simply will not go through that.
5. in terms of walkways and obstacles. if thereâs a deep gap in the pavement lined up the way iâm going, and itâs, say, an inch wide, that is an obstacle for me. my casters are one inch wide, and my back wheels are an inch and a half. iâll get stuck in it like a train on a track.
i have to straddle this, even if it means being too close to the middle of the sidewalk and preventing us from walking side by side.
similarly, if a crack is greater than an inch high, iâm gonna wheelie over it. at two inches, i have to. a wheelie may require a change in speed, either faster or slower depending on the person.
i have 4 inch casters, so a lip as little as 2 inches will stop me in my tracks. a lip as little as one inch, hit with any speed, can knock my casters out of square. casters can get knocked out of alignment pretty easily depending on the chair. iâd rather not have to pull out an allen wrench and a level, so iâm gonna wheelie.
this happened when i hit about a 1.5â lip on a pavement crack when i was going downhill at maybe 3mph.
6. putting it all together. see how diagonal this crack is?
this is another situation where i have to go straight relative to the slope. because that crack is wide, it will probably also require a wheelie. if i tried to approach that straight relative to the sidewalk, my left caster would get up the slope, iâd wheelie, then my right caster would land in the crack. i have to go this way.
(also lol at the trash can blocking the curb cut)
these are just a few things to keep in mind when walking about with a wheelchair user! ofc the best strategy always is just to listen when someone asks you to move out of their way đ but i think being able to anticipate movement a little better will help it seem less random. feel free to ask any questions!
Source: The Condendings of Horus and Seth, recorded in the Chester Beatty Papyrus I (held in Oxford) c.1147 BC (Ramesses V - New Kingdom). There is an older Middle Kingdom version from Lahun, but it is extremely fragmentary. The one I'm listing is our first complete version dating to the Pharaonic period, and there are other much later versions too.
Thoughts: Girl help, they'd Hatshepsut'd the Contendings by introducing additional homophobia.
It's hard to know where to begin here because...wow...mhmm...that sure is...a version of reality. This is the unfortunate thing of what happens when people think they know and can analyse an ancient text based on simply reading it with no cultural context and often not actually having read the text at all, which this person very clearly hasn't.
You can read a 1931 translation by A.H.Gardiner here (starts on page 8), but please be aware that it's quite an old one. It's still good, just terms and language (particularly describing Seth, Horus, and the Lettuce) may be old fashioned/offensive. The version I'm using is much newer (W.K.Simpson 2003 - The Literature of Ancient Egypt, Yale University Press, 91-103) but I cannot reasonably copy out the whole translation from the book (that's copyright infringement). I will be quoting it, though, so you can compare the two.
So, let's bulletpoint this under a cut before I cry, and a reminder that when I as an English person say 'Let's look at this...' I culturally mean 'join me in analysing this' and not the US cultural meaning of 'fuck you I think you're an idiot' that I get tripped up by and called a bitch about so often.
Seth is Horus' uncle. That's correct.
'And also much older than him' Why this addition was relevant I don't know. I suppose it adds to the 'problematic taboo' of what they're about to relate to their audience. Salaciousness sells. But 'much older' uhh...they're gods. What year were any of them born? What are their ages? Time doesn't really have a meaning when it comes to the Egyptian gods, nor do ages. They've both existed for millennia by this point because wibbly wobbly timey wimey. The main thing is that they're both adults as Horus does not start fighting his uncle until he is of age.
'Horus always asks his mum for advice, it tells (sic) a lot lol' If you think 'asking a parent for help' is a sign you are very young, you're about 20 yourself and older adults ask their parents about things all the time. It doesn't prove shit.
I mean Horus asks his mother for advice several times in this story, but it takes place over multiple years because this fight lasts for 70 years. Oh no! He asks him goddess mother, and sister of the guy he's fighting for help. Wow. Much mummy's boy.
There's a whole load of latent homophobia in the way queer aspects of this tale are presented in the two screenshots, which uhh...so progressive of them. It should not take my cishet ass to point that out.
DRINK
Anyway, Horus beheads his mother after a fight because she accidentally stabbed him while he's a hippo. He then carries her head up a mountain and chucks it off the top of it before going to sleep up there (Thoth fetches the head and fixes Isis). It's a typical relationship between gods (they always do this) but it's not the relationship that's presented in the screenshots.
Translation (Simpson, 2003: 97-98):
Thereupon Seth became terribly enraged. And so the Ennead said to Seth, "Why have you become so enraged? Isn't it in accordance with what Atum, Lord of the Two Lands, the Heliopolitan, and Pre-Harakhti have said that action should be taken?" Then the White Crown was placed upon the head of Horus, son of Isis. Seth, being angry, let out a loud cry before the face of this Ennead, saying, "Is the office being awarded to my young brother even while I, who am his elder brother, am still about?" Then he took an oath as follows, "The White Crown shall be removed from the head of Horus, son of Isis, and he shall be thrown into the water so that I can contend with him for the office of Ruler." Pre-Harakhti acquiesced.
Thereupon Seth said to Horus, "Come, let's both transform ourselves into hippopotamuses and submerge in / the deep waters in the midst of the sea. Now as for the one who shall emerge within the span of three whole months, the office shall not be awarded him." Then they both submerged. And so Isis sat down and wept, saying, "Seth has killed Horus, my son!" Then she fetched a skein of yarn. She fashioned a line, took a deben-weight's (worth) of copper, cast it into a harpoon, tied the line to it, and
hurled it into the water at the spot where Horus and Seth had submerged, Then the barb bit into the body of her son Horus. So Horus let out a loud cry, "Help me, mother Isis, my mother! Appeal to your barb to let go of me! I am Horus, son of Isis!" Thereupon Isis let out a loud cry and told (her) barb, "Let go of him! See; that's my son Horus, my child." So her
barb let go of him. Then she hurled it back again into the water, and it bit into the body of Seth. So Seth let out a loud cry, saying,
"What have I done against you, my sister Isis? Appeal to your barb to let go of me! I am your maternal brother, Isis." Then she felt very compassionate toward him. Thereupon Seth called to her, saying, "Do you love the stranger even more than (your) maternal brother Seth?" So Isis appealed to her barb, saying, "Let go of him! See, it's Isis's maternal brother whom you have bitten into." Then the barb let go of him.
Horus, son of Isis, became furious at his mother Isis and came out with his face as fierce as an Upper Egyptian panther's, holding his cleaver of sixteen deben-weight in his hand. He removed the head of his mother Isis, put it in his arms, and ascended the mountain. Then Isis ?transformed herself into a statue of flint which had no head. Pre-Harakhti said to Thoth, "What is she who has come having no head?" So Thoth told Pre-Harakhi, "My good lord, that's Isis the Great, the God's Mother, whose head Horus, her son, has removed." Thereupon / Pre-Harakhti let out a loud cry and said to the Ennead, "Let's go and inflict severe punishment upon him." Then the Ennead ascended those mountains in order to search for Horus, son of Isis.'
Such affection between the pair. Relationship is just fine...I swear
Just before this they're mad at Horus and tell him his breath smells bad: 'Then the Universal Lord became furious at Horus and told him, "You are despicable in your person, and this office is too much for you, you lad, the odour of whose mouth is bad."' (Simpson, 2003: 94) Tbh I'm including this for no other reason than that it's funny.
DRINK
'In the well known story...' This is where it starts to go off the rails really hard. It is not a story about Seth wanting to 'possess Horus carnally'. This is how I know this person has never even looked at the Contendings. They don't know what they're talking about. The infamous 'lettuce' incident is but a tiny fraction of the overall story in which Horus and Seth fight for the right to the throne of Egypt. They are constantly doing different challenges to try to prove that they are worthy of the throne. Seth wins some, Horus wins others, it's generally a tie.
This is then when the 'picnic' shows up and what the above screenshot is talking about.
As Horus is asleep on the mountain top, Seth shows up and gouges his eyes out. He then goes back to the Ennead and says 'Don't know where Horus is' Of course this is a lie. Hathor finds Horus and restores his sight.
Relevant translation (Simpson, 2003: 98-99):
'Now as for Horus, he was lying under a shenusha-tree in the oasis land.
Seth found him, seized hold of him, threw him down upon his back on the mountain, removed his two eyes from their sockets, and buried them on the mountain so as to illumine the earth. His two eyeballs became two bulbs / which grew into lotuses. Seth came away and told Pre-Harakhti falsely, I didn't find Horus," although he had found him.
Then Hathor, Mistress of the Southern Sycamore, set out, and she found Horus lying weeping in the desert. She captured a gazelle and milked it. She said to Horus, "Open your eyes that I may put this milk in." So he opened his eyes and she put the milk in, putting (some) in the right one and putting (some) in the left one. She told him, "Open your eyes!" He opened his eyes, and she looked at them; she found that they were healed.'
You'll note that it's both eyes taken rather than one, and Hathor who heals him rather than Thoth, as he does in a previous version. Gardiner (1931: 21) in his notes on this passage cannot tell whether this is a change from the earlier myth, as happens with a lot of Egyptian stories depending on which gods are in favour in any given century) or whether this is entirely made up for this particular myth. Myths in Ancient Egypt are both complimentary and contradictory. You get used to it pretty quick, which is why saying 'this is the one true version' is a crock of shit when it comes to translation and interpretation.
The Ennead, sick of both Horus and Seth's incessant fighting by this point, summon them both and tell them to make up and put the matter to rest. So Seth invites Horus to his home to eat, drink, and make peace.
This is where we get to the point where the user is referring to 'reaping masculinity' and 'being the loved on in a gay relationship was "feminine" in Ancient Egypt' and uhhh...cite your sources babe.
The 'femininity' part comes from much later sources and is a Greek and Roman cultural way of looking at same sex relations. It should not be applied to the Egyptians because they do not conceive of sexuality this way, nor view it as a defining trait of a person. This is why you find it's not really recorded in Egyptian sources. (Parkinson, 1995)
However, Parkinson (1995, 2008) does note that those who 'receive' are portrayed as 'back turners' and this is derogatory. It is an aspect of masculinity, but it's not about 'being feminine' it's about 'being a coward.' So it's 'unmanning' but more in the sense of 'I have made you a cringefail loser' and not 'lmao you're a girl now'. It's important when dealing with historical homophobic attitudes towards same-sex relationships that we get the flavour of homophobia correct. Otherwise you're just perpetuating more homophobia a little to the left.
Let's look at Simpson's (2003: 99) translation:
'Now afterward at evening time, bed was prepared for them, and together they lay down. During the night Seth caused his phallus to become stiff and inserted it between Horus's thighs. Horus then placed his hands between his thighs and caught Seth's semen.'
That's it, that's the whole section that the person described as 'Seth wanting to carnally possess Horus and make him into a woman'. There's no Horus 'escaping by making Seth drunk', it doesn't happen and it's not the night before Horus' coronation. Anyone else think that the person may have Very Much Overstated The Whole Situation? You too? Oh good. We're on the same page then. Moving on.
DRINK
Horus does return to Isis for help afterwards, and I don't see why this is an issue because 'help my uncle, your brother, and murderer of Osiris, just used intercrural sex to leave his semen on me to position me as a coward and thus unworthy of the throne of Egypt' is a pretty big problem that you'd want advice with.
Isis...freaks out. To make sure no semen is on Horus, she does in fact cut his hands off and throws them in the Nile before making Horus new ones. (This is possible because there's a creation myth where Khnum the potter makes all things out of clay, so just fashioning new hands is a piece of cake, especially for a goddess.
Here's the relevant translation (Simpson, 2003: 99):
'Then Horus / went to tell his mother Isis, "Help me, Isis, my mother, come and see what Seth has done to me." And he opened his hands and let her see Seth's semen. She let out a loud cry, took up her knife, cut off his hands, threw them into the water, and restored for him hands that were equivalent.'
Again, a very small part of the story.
The OP then contradicts themselves by saying Isis is a wise woman to go to after implying Horus was a mummy's boy for going to his mum for help after his uncle raped him. I would fight this person with my bare hands. A fish doesn't eat it, but a fish does eat Osiris' penis when Seth dismembers him (if you read the Ptolemaic version of the myth. Earlier versions just have it get lost.)
Now we get to the lettuce incident, which goes a little differently to how the OP writes about it. Here's Simpson's (2003: 99) translation:
'Then she got some fragrant ointment and applied it to Horus's phallus. She caused it to become stiff and inserted it into a pot, and he caused his semen to flow down into it. Isis at morning time went carrying Horus's semen to the garden of Seth, and she said to Seth's gardener, "What sort of vegetable / does Seth eat here in your company?" And the gardener answered her, "He doesn't eat any vegetable here in my company except lettuce." And Isis put Horus's semen on it. Seth returned according to his daily habit and ate the lettuce, which he regularly ate. Thereupon he became pregnant with Horus's semen.'
idk about you but 'mum jacking son off into a pot and then using it as salad dressing' isn't my idea of fun. The reason it's lettuce and not any other vegetable is because the lettuce found in Egypt at this time is a type of Romaine which has a thick sap that is extremely reminiscent of semen. That's why that lettuce is associated with the fertility god Min, and why Seth likes to eat it; i.e. to project his virility and strength. In the Ptolemaic version, this is presented to him at a picnic that Horus throws in turn for the meal at Seth's house.
I should also note at this point that 'thereupon he became pregnant with Horus's semen' is not literal. I've seen far too many people take it as a literal statement, which is what you get when you fuck about and find out with texts that you don't also look into the cultural background of. jwr 'to become pregnant' is the literal word they use but the Egyptians also used wrD 'to be weary' as an alternate way of saying 'death' so we should always be on the lookout for 'words being used to mean something else.' In this case, it's more 'it is inside his belly' but with not a full understanding of how pregnancy happens, 'baby grows in stomach' knowledge, and 'semen must go in a hole for semen to be in body because baby comes from semen going in hole to grow in belly' you can understand where 'it's in his stomach' becomes 'he got pregnant'. It's literally just telling you it's in his system.
So we get to 'the next day' where Seth thinks his semen is on Horus's thighs, thus making him a coward and not fit to be king, and Horus knows his semen is in Seth's stomach. The Ennead assembles and Seth proclaims (Simpson, 2003: 99):
'So Seth went to tell / Horus, "Come, let's go that I may contend with you in court." Horus said to him, "I'll do so; yes, I'll do so, I'll do so."
Then they both went to court and stood in the presence of the Great Ennead. They were told, "Speak for yourselves!" Then Seth said, "Let me be awarded the office of Ruler, I.p.h., for as to Horus, the one who is standing (at law), I have performed a man's work against him." The Ennead then let out a loud cry, and they spewed and spat at Horus's face.'
This is that homophobia but culturally Egyptian this time. Horus is seen as a coward and emasculated by that cravenness. Still, he is not 'a woman' but he has removed his masculinity. He is 'other'. The Egyptian concept of masculinity has many layers, and for a god it's even worse. That's an important distinction to make, and I'll refer people to Parkinson (1995, 2008) for more information. I just want to point out that the OP has misunderstood and extrapolated based on outdated ideas. It's similar to the Greek idea of intercrural sex, and how not putting it in doesn't 'unman' a person, but also slightly to the left. Complicated is a good word for it.
Horus laughs at this. Genuinely, the text says Horus laughs. He then says 'that's bullshit, lets call Seth's semen and see where it is, and then you can try calling mine. The answer might surprise you.' and so they do, and Seth's semen calls from where it was cast into the Nile. They call Horus's semen and it calls from inside Seth.
'"Let Seth's semen be summoned that we may see from where it answers, and my own be summoned so that we may see it from where it answers." Then Thoth, lord of script and scribe of truth for the Ennead, laid his hand on Horus's shoulder and said, "Come out, you semen of Seth!" And it answered him from the water in the interior of the 'marsh'!? Then Thoth laid his hand on Seth's shoulder and said, "Come out, you semen of Horus!" It said to him, "Where shall I come from?" Thoth said to it, "Come / out from his ear." Thereupon it said to him, "Am I, who am divine fluid, to come out merely from his ear?" Then Thoth said to it, "Come out from the top of his head." And it emerged as a golden solar disk upon Seth's head.' (Simpson, 2003: 100)
Yes, Horus's semen has such an inflated sense of importance that it refused to come out of an ear, and instead out of a symbol of divinity. I hate that op refers to it as 'juice' because bestie you said 'semen' on the part, just say it again. 'Juice,' my ass.
Seth does become enraged, but he isn't made fun of, nor does he 'escape' and Horus is immediately crowned. As I said before, this is a long running dispute and it's why it's called 'the Contendings' (plural) of Horus and Seth.
What actually happens is Seth becomes upset and tries to grab the semen, but Thoth snatches it and puts it as a crown on his own head. Why he does this I don't know, but it's not mentioned again. The actual lines are:
'Seth became exceedingly furious and extended his hand to seize the golden solar disk, but Thoth took it away / from him and placed It as a crown upon his (own) head. Then the Ennead said, "Horus is right; Seth is wrong." Seth became exceedingly furious and let out a loud cry when they said, "Horus is right; Seth is wrong." And so Seth took a great oath by god as follows, "He shall not be awarded the office until he has been dismissed outside with me and we build for ourselves some ships of stone and race each other. Now as for the one who prevails over his rival, / he shall be awarded the office of Ruler, l.p.h."' (Simpson, 2003: 100).
The semen incident, overall, isn't that big of a deal in the long run. It's over very quickly and neither Horus nor Seth suffer any long term consequences.
So the finale is 'okay Horus: 5, Seth: 5, we need something to break the tie between them' and Seth demands a boat race. But he says that both boats must be made of stone. On the day of the race, Seth's boat sinks immediately, but Horus's sails, thus winning the race. Seth is angered, turns into a hippo and bashes Horus's boat showing that it was actually made of barley fibre and disguised to look like stone. Horus cheated just as Seth did with the semen.
So they write to Osiris in the underworld because this has gone on for 70 years and everyone is sick of it. Osiris writes back 'umm, well since I'm dead, my son should inherit rather than my brother' and thus Horus is crowned king and Seth is given a position as his advisor.
Now I know that a lot of you will be like 'but Seth evil???1111!!!???' and I'm here to tell you that no he's not. Cut that shit out. Seth is a chaos god and Horus is calm/steady. In Egyptian mythology, you need chaos to balance out the calm. There must be both. Seth isn't considered evil within Egyptian mythology, just a little unpredictable, which is why the other gods don't punish or humiliate him for the Contendings but recognise his wisdom and cunning just as they did with Horus. They effectively equally matched, it's just Horus gets the job by birthright. That's it, that's the story.
So the OP's comments are something that have been waved over the truth to get a flavour of it, the La Croix of truth as it were, and are horseshit. As soon as the internet found out that Horus and Seth had sex they became blinded by 'lmaooo it's GAYâą #weknew #cunty' and rational thought fled the building. Genuinely, it's frustrating how often that happens. You can do a proper historical, cultural, and even queer reading of this text, but the above OP wasn't it.
Sources:
Gardiner, A.H. 1931. The Library of A. Chester Beatty: Description of a Hieratic Papyrus, with a Mythological Story, Love Songs, and Other Miscellaneous texts. Oxford; OUP. (linked above)
Parkinson, R.
1995. "Homosexual" desire and Middle Kingdom literature. Journal of Egyptian Archaeology 81, pp. 57 - 76.
2008. Boasting about hardness: Constructions of Middle Kingdom masculinity. In Sex and gender in ancient Egypt: 'Don your wig for a joyful hour', ed. Carolyn Graves-Brown, pp. 115 - 142. Swansea: Classical Press of Wales.
Wilkinson, W.K. 2003. The Literature of Ancient Egypt: An Anthology of Stories, Instructions, Stelae, Autobiographies, and Poetry. New Haven and London. Yale University Press.
oh and uhh
DRINK
I'm Lottie. This has taken me four hours and hasn't been Milo Rossi. Fucking googledebunk that shit. Bye.
TV Crowleyâs Aging Rock Star Shtick is fun, but if you want to take Book Crowley's Vibe to our modern day, I think there's an argument for, okay... here me out... the Vibe I always got from Book Crowley is that he projects out a very âRich Douchebagâ image, not necessarily in the sense that he is a douchebag (Iâd call him more of Lovable Lilâ Shit) but in the sense that he goes to great lengths to cultivate the exact image in the time and culture he lives in of a âRich Douchebagâ. Like, heâd always make sure heâs up to date to all the current societal standards and norms and all the current fashion trends so that he is always trendy and sooo cool⊠but deliberately in the specific way thatâll make humans look at him and go âman, what an asshole.â And thatâs what makes âblending in with the humansâ feel like a job well done to him.
In the late 80âs-very early 90âs era that the book takes place in that meant coding him as a Yuppie, thinking about his stock options as soon as Armageddon comes up, his sleek lifeless showroom flat, the dedication to always having the most modern tech (even when he finds it to actually be pretty crappy or otherwise useless to him, itâs necessary for âthe kind of Human heâs trying to beâ)âŠ.
So, thinking about whatâs up with Book Crowley in the current day, and if he's maybe trying to update to fit our current image of what a Yuppie-like Rich Douchebag is.... So, like, Iâm not making a statement on whatever or not Book Crowley would use Crypto in the 2020âs, even for one of his schemes, but... I think there is an argument to be made that if you met Book Crowley in the current day, youâd take one look at the guy (gender neutral) and immediately get the Vibe that he uses Crypto. And Crowley would just be like âGreat! I am getting a good grade in seeming like an absolute sleazebag, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve! :Dâ
I am lawful/neutral evil. I didn't go to the hospital but it was super triggering for my mental health problems.
I have been CAST OUT of the fandom because I questioned and didn't agree with the great plan the finale. I am now an EVIL DEMON who's in hell with me??
Tbh I think the "but data centers are important infrastructure, not just AI" talking point misses that like
Ok so roads are important infrastructure. A lot of stuff that's important happens on roads. Now, let's imagine that quadrillionaire Matt Stench has decided that the next big tech innovation is the Wide Car. It's a car that takes up six lanes despite seating only one passenger.
The Wide Car is supposed to be the future, and everyone's going to be driving Wide Cars, even though nobody who makes Wide Cars is turning a profit. Employers are offering Wide Cars as an employee benefit, and getting "nah." Some employers are going as far as demanding their employees drive Wide Cars, and the result is that people take time out of their workdays to get in the mandatory gas usage for their Wide Car before driving home in a regular car.
In spite of the fact that the Wide Car is clearly set to fail, there's an enormous push to expand to twelve-lane roads to accommodate a bunch of Wide Cars that simply will not materialize. This is not an organic response to demand, but a speculative investment that amplifies the existing issues with road development for no good reason.
Oh and the road infrastructure project is buying up resources other people could have used for literally anything else. With money they promise they'll be making from Wide Car sales any day now.
Okay so what I'm getting from the notes is that when you try to transplant some techbro nonsense into an offline equivalent, you have to be careful to avoid simply inventing something the Americans are already doing in real life
I think part of the sadness and disorientation for me is realizing that a not-insignificant number of my fellow fans were not "in it" for the same reasons I was. This is fine, there is no value judgement here, it is just unexpected. What I loved about Good Omens, what made it a compelling and well-told story for me, was encapsulated in the book and adapted, on the whole, successfully in S1; muddled in S2; and entirely missing from S3.
Again, this is not a value judgement, no one is required to like what I like or dislike what I dislike. It is just a bit odd to me (this is baby's first fandom, after all) and is taking some getting used to.
The other sad bit is, of course, less the outright insults, which are rare and easy to block, but the more frequent, passive-aggressive statements of the "gosh, it's a shame that finale haters are too stupid/literal/negative/uninformed about trauma to see the beauty" ilk. Again, I block because it's my responsibility to curate my own space. It's just a bummer.
