Waves (and Hope) in the Darkness
Summary: Jax nearly abstracts in the cellar. Luckily, Pomni and the either circus members are there for him.
Warnings: Panic Attacks & Suicidal Thoughts Mentioned
Pairings: Jax & Pomni, Jax & Ragatha, Jax & Zooble & Gangle & Kinger
Fandom: The Amazing Digital Circus (TADC)
~
There was darkness.
Static.
Trembling hands blurred by tears.
And the memory of all he had done.
His heart raced.
Jax tightly squeezed his hands into his arms as he sucked in breath after shaky breath.
He was beginning to hyperventilate.
Panicking—panicking—
Helpme—helpme—
Please.
He let out a sob, painful and raw, sitting on his knees. He was surrounded by the dark waters of the cellar with their crashing waves, and colorful glowing eyes.
He was alone.
Utterly alone.
And it was all his fault.
Allhisfaultallhisfault—
Ribbit.
Kaufmo.
They couldn’t escape from this place, and it was all his fault.
He hurt them.
He deserved to hurt, to abstract from this place.
He wanted to abstract.
He was abstracting.
Jax’s eyes began to glow with bright, swirling colors, his purple skin beginning to glitch as a black form began to encompass his body.
He sobbed.
Maybe…
Maybe he’ll be at peace.
Jax curled into himself, sucking in each breath, hoping that the dark waves would take him under.
Helpmehelpmehelpme—
It hurt.
…
An echo—distant, but…familiar.
“—ax?”
“—AX?!”
His ears caught echoed footsteps.
A shadow appeared.
“Jax!”
He finally looked up at the shadow above him.
Pomni, oh Pomni, stood in front of him. She shouldn’t be here. Not for him.
Jax weakly croaked, his yellow eyes blinking slowly and with a sense of confusion. “What are you doing here…?”
In the distance, he spotted the rest of the circus members standing aside awkwardly. Through his blurred tears, they appeared worried. In shock, maybe.
Why?
He had never done anything good to deserve it.
Pomni smiled warmly and extended a blue-gloved hand. “I’m here to help.”
Despite her reassuring smile, she looked worried. Afraid, even.
He wondered why.
Jax’s breath hitched and he jerked away violently, his shaky gloved hand rising up to stop her.
“NO! GET AWAY FROM ME! I’LL JUST HURT YOU TOO—”
But he wasn’t angry, no. Not at her. Instead, his eyes were filled with fearful tears.
He was scared.
“No,” Pomni asserted, her brows furrowing into a stern look. Then, she crouched down to a sitting position, features softening. “We’re here, Jax, and we’re getting you out. Don’t push me away this time.”
The swirling colors in Jax’s eyes calmed slightly as he stared at her in shock. The wild, black glitches around his arms slowed.
“Why…?”
Pomni paused, brows furrowing from concern at the sound of the question. She’d file that away later, she thought.
She gently placed her hand on top of his, determination taking its place in her features. “Because we care about you.”
Then, her eyes softened as she whispered the last part, her eyes flickering across Jax’s face. “I…care about you.”
Silence. Jax gazed at her, his eyes shining with unshed tears.
With shock.
His brows furrowed, questioning why she would even…
“It doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t do back then. What happened…wasn’t your fault. None of this is.”
“Pomni—“ His voice cracked. “It is! You don’t get it, you—”
“Jax…” Pomni spoke softly, brows furrowing with soft worry and care. In that moment, she threw her arms around him and pulled him into a tight embrace.
Jax’s eyes widened, his breath hitching. Out of instinct, he wanted to push her away so she couldn’t get close. He wanted to put on his mask to protect himself from the pain of losing her.
He yearned for the swirling, hallucinogenic colors he had experienced before Pomni knocked in his door. He wanted to feel that peace and bliss again.
Part of him just wanted to let himself be taken by the waves. He wanted to see Ribbit and Kaufmo again.
But Pomni still held her hand out, looking at him with those big, trusting eyes. Jax didn’t understand it.
Before venturing into Caine’s office, she had once said to him; “Everything is going to be okay.”
He had wanted to believe that then.
“Will you trust me?” Pomni spoke softly, but her eyes weren’t pitying. She knew how he hated that.
Maybe…
Maybe part of him wanted to believe again.
Jax quickly threw himself onto Pomni, wrapping his cartoonish arms around her in a tight embrace. He grabbed the back of her red and blue jester costume.
Pomni was startled slightly by the physical touch, having never quite liked it. But with Jax glitching in her arms, she found it within herself to wrap her arms around her friend.
Jax let out a few broken sobs, trying to muffle the sound with his glove. He had always hated being vulnerable in front of people, especially those that he was closest to.
But Pomni made him feel safe.
So, he let himself sob.
The other circus members watched as Jax broke down. Besides Kinger, the rest of them had valid reasons for why they felt resentment against him. But even Zooble couldn’t help but feel bad for him.
Ragatha took a hesitant step forward, then halted and awkwardly grabbed her arm.
Gangle frowned with her tragedy mask and fidgeted with her red ribbons. A cruel part of her felt apathy for Jax’s misery. Satisfaction, maybe, but she quickly pushed these thoughts away.
After everything he had done…
Zooble watched from afar, conflicted as to how to feel. It was strange, seeing a member of their group break down after so long of masking his emotions. He had always acted as though he had none.
But as they stood there watching, they realized that it didn’t really matter anymore.
Caine was gone.
They were all broken in some way, all insecure.
And the circus had finally broken Jax too.
Ragatha watched the interaction from a few feet away, unsure if she should step in to help. They hadn’t been close for a long time, not since…
Not since Ribbit’s abstraction. After Ribbit was taken to the cellar, Jax internalized his emotions once the initial shock wore off. His jokes became meaner, more…personal.
He pushed her away, and she let him. She tried to get him to open up, but he had never wanted her help. Eventually, she stopped trying altogether.
Jax gritted his yellow teeth and tightened his hands around Pomni’s costume as his body glitched.
But at least it wasn’t worsening.
If anything, Pomni was helping to keep the abstraction at bay. If he just held on to her, then maybe…maybe everything would be okay.
He let out another sob, burying his face in the crook of her neck.
“M’sorry—m’sorry—m’sorry—” He began to mutter soft apologies into her shoulder.
The guilt had become overwhelming. Images of a green frog and a clown flashed across his mind. He wished he had listened to them back then.
But he was too late.
Jax remembered the distress on Ribbit’s face after each one of Caine’s adventures. He remembered how her paranoia grew once they began to obsess over an exit.
He remembered when they argued, how they raised their voices against each other and said hurtful words that they didn’t mean. He remembered how he drove her away.
Jax recalled the way Kaufmo shut down when Ribbit abstracted. He remembered how his friend had isolated himself in his bedroom, etching theories all over the walls until the circus took him too.
“It’s okay. It’s okay…” Pomni whispered, face wrought with worry as she attempted to comfort him. She ran a hand through his downturned ears.
“No…” Jax whispered, shutting his eyes tightly closed. “No, no…it’s…it’s my fault, Pom-Pom. It’s my fault Ribbit and Kaufmo abstracted! It’s—it’s my fault—if-if I had just—”
Footsteps echoed across the chamber, inching ever closer until another shadow came into view.
Jax’s eyes opened wide.
Ragatha looked down at Jax and crouched in front of him until they were eye level. She had this…sad look on her face that annoyed him, but her eye held a level of understanding.
“Jax, I…” Ragatha hesitated. She let out a sigh and chose her next words carefully.
“What happened to Ribbit and Kaufmo was nobody’s fault, Jax. I-I know it feels like it—but nobody’s to blame.”
Ragatha’s mouth quivered as she began to lose some of her composure, her guilt taking over.
“And I’m sorry I couldn’t help you. I-I just feel like I failed you and I wish you would have opened up to me—!” Her voice began to raise. She quickly stopped herself and scoffed, hugging herself as she looked off to the side. But her eye softened as it met Jax’s gaze again.
In one quick decision, Ragatha wrapped her arms around the pair, her eye squeezed shut. She opened it slightly, looking both guilty and apologetic.
Jax huffed, giving her a weak smile. It was almost an amused (albeit, strained) smirk, if not for the circumstances. “Don’t do that, Rags…” The nickname felt familiar, and for a split second, the two of them remembered the days when they were close.
Zooble stepped forward next, their pieces clanking as they walked. They sighed. “I’m not going to say you haven’t done shitty things, but this circus changes people,” Their triangle head rattled as they spoke. “I don’t know exactly know what happened with Ribbit, but I’m sure it wasn’t anyone’s fault. And it definitely wasn’t yours.”
Zooble’s brows furrowed for a moment as they stared at the ground. Then, they looked back down at Jax with a scowl. “And it wasn’t mine either. I had no intention of replacing Ribbit when I arrived to the circus. I won’t pretend to know that you’ve resented me for that behind my back.”
Jax scowled at the ground instead. The wound had still been fresh when Zooble arrived.
When the other circus members had embraced them like nothing had ever happened, Jax couldn’t help but feel a bitter resentment against them.
He ignored them at first, but later found enjoyment in provoking them.
Zooble’s eyes softened. “But I know what grief can do to people. This place…it messes people up.”
Their pieces jostled slightly as they crouched down and wrapped their arms around the group, closing their mismatched eyes.
Gangle stood off to the side, turning slightly to adjust her tragedy mask. She looked down with a sad frown at the comedy mask in her hands.
Kinger stepped up to her and laid a hand on her shoulder of ribbons, surprisingly lucid in the darkness. “You don’t have to, you know. But it might just help you feel better through the healing process.”
After a moment of hesitation, Gangle stepped forward meekly. By this point, the glitches in Jax’s skin had begun to calm down. He looked up at Gangle with square pupils, his eyes flickering with guilt.
“G-Gangle, I…”
“We’re um…not exactly close. A-Actually, you’re a bully…and pretty abusive, and…” She hesitated, fidgeting with her ribbons. “I’m done being your victim.“
A moment passed.
“What happened to…Ribbit and Kaufmo wasn’t your fault. Just know that. I…I hope you’re able to have some healing.”
“I…” Jax muttered before closing his mouth. He’d treated her like a doormat to retain his sense of control in a place where he had none. They had been friends…once.
Surprisingly, Gangle crouched down too, and extended her red ribbons around the group. She smiled tearfully through her tragedy mask, opening her eyes to look at Zooble.
And finally, Kinger.
The chess piece stepped forward and conjured a golden butterfly that spread light within the darkness in the room.
“…a little bit of hope can go a long way.”
His white gloved hands patted the backs of the young members of the group. “This…was my fault, and the responsibility lies with C&A. I’m…so sorry for all of this. For the circus, for…all of it.”
The group sat there, wrapped in each other’s arms for what felt like hours. The dark waves of the cellar splashed against the abstracted figures trapped there.
“And Jax,” Kinger said one last thing. “Don’t forget that there are people who care about you. Rely on them…you never know when you will lose them.”
Even if Kinger couldn’t smile, his lopsided eyes portrayed a gentle nature.
Jax stared at the ground as guilt churned in his stomach. His mouth crumpled as he winced at Kinger’s words.
That’s the thing. He didn’t want to lose anyone else, period.
“…why are you saying all of this? I’ve been nothing but an asshole to everyone, so why—”
Pomni opened her eyes and slowly let go of Jax. She gave him a warm smile and looked him straight in the eyes.
“Because we’re in this together, no matter what.” Her eyes shined with nothing but care for her friend.
Pomni wasn’t going to pretend that he hadn’t done shitty things, but Jax knew that she was willing to hold him accountable for it if he tried.
As Pomni’s smile deepened, Jax couldn’t help but feel a sense of warmth in his cold and shriveled heart (or so he liked to tell himself).
“And you’re still one of us,” Zooble added.
“I…I…” Jax muttered.
His face crumpled as he let out a relieved breath. He sniffled as he attempted wiped his tears with his yellow gloves. The glitching colors around his body soon faded.
Surrounded by the safety of his friends (despite hating being in a vulnerable state), he closed his eyes and smiled.
He would be alright.
They would all be alright.
And maybe…just maybe…they could escape.
