So I'm finally going to come out and say it
Most people wouldn't remember who I am. In fact, I'd be surprised if people suddenly see this Tumblr active again and actually remember who owned it.
These last few months haven't been easy for me. I ran away from a lot of responsibilities, I've abandoned people, life in general, etc.
This is a flimsy excuse to many people, one that no one I know will ever accept: I've disregarded everything in my life because.. Because I'm sad.
And not just 'I'm down in the dumps' kind of sad. It's that, but tenfold.
I drugged myself into fictions of lives unlived and fictions of lives I'll never live-- fantasies of a happy life-- a life I could only have if I wasn't me.Ā
It didn't help that I was partially paralyzed.
I refused to answer calls, or texts or emails. I shut the outside world.
Rather, I shut myself in.
It got harder to wake up. It got harder to get out of bed, even when I had recovered from the paralysis.
I didn't want to wake up. I found nothing worth living for. I still do. I'm stuck. So stuck.
Today, my body is still weak. My spine can't handle the activities of daily life.
I see myself in the mirror and I aged so much in a span of a few months-- is that me?
I'm writing today. I consider this an achievement, considering that I haven't done anything lately. But people think otherwise-- people think it's a waste of my time. I should be doing other things.
Like getting a job.
I did. Eventually.
And then I failed again.
And I'm back to square one.
I'm not well. I can't work because I'm broken. I can't seek help because I'm broke. I'm not ill because I'm sad. And as far as everyone else is concerned, sadness is not an illness.
'Try to be happy'
I tried. But sadness creeps in around my chest and encloses it.
I can't be happy.
I can only be less sad each day.
