hmmm....... It's that time of year now at my school for all the Physics kids, BOAT PROJECT!!!!!~ Extra credit time!!~ OMG hopefully my grade goes up from this.. that's if i am doing it.. :(( In the beginning of Junior year my best friend and I planned on doing it together.. and in our class we have two other friends ..so there are 4 of us.. and since its a two people group project we split in two to do it...me and my best friend and my other two friends are doing their boat together!.. that was the Original plan.. but as of right now.., there is A PROBLEM.... and its that i heard that my other friend said that my other friend is not getting along with her.. well they had a fight.. and my friend....hmm...lets say their names are Charlotte and Deanna(not really these are fake names for them)... so Charlotte is the one that is kinda ignoring Deanna, although Deanna does try to talk to her.. and when all of us do a lab together.. Charlotte would just sit there.. and not putting much effort in for the group.. or so it seems..., i'm not even sure of what she's thinking... seriously that girl... although she and I carry around the Sister title.. she rarely lets me in on anything about her life.. she talks to me barely about what she's feeling or what's on her mind..she's so mysterious to me. We're not blood related, but she's my friend and we've known each other since middle school... she should be more open and tell me things ..so nothing is hidden. I've also known Deanna since middle school too, i got closer to her during freshmen year.. and so a few weeks ago Deanna ask my best friend to be partners with her for this Boat project. & my best friend told her that she'd consult with me about it.. and in the end my best friend couldn't decide.. what to do.. since we were all friends.. my best friend didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings... I know this decision is putting alot of pressure on her.. I know.. & I know that i'm putting even more pressure on her by being stubborn to keep her as my partner.. This project was a subject I wanted to ignore after that... and i was just ignoring it... until today... its almost to that point where we get the instructions to make the boat... & so my BFF has to decide now.i just kept ignoring it since i was afraid.. yes i was afraid that she'd pick to be Deanna's partner since she's someone who usually can't so NO to people. Sometimes that side or characteristic of hers frustrate me...but then again.. she can't help it.. I know.. this kind of problem is pretty difficult.. and its all pushed into her... and making her shoulder heavy.. I wanted to lift it and make it a lighter weight.. but i was being such a BITCH.. I was so selfish.. told her after school today that I wanted to walk home.. cuz after school her dad usually drives me home, but i told her i wanted to walk home and that i don't feel well and that what ever she chooses I'll respect her choice... I felt so bad afterwards.. I know she's thinking like what's wrong with this girl.., I know i was such a BITCH..! I hate myself.. why am i so selfish.. Every time Deanna turned around in her seat since my best friend sat behind her ... they'd talk and chat .. about English or something .. and it makes me feel uncomfortable and somehow left out.. Deanna was my friends too.. so why do i feel like that.. we should all get along.... I wanted to IGNORE everything so I wont feel hurt.. and just earlier in 5th period during Physics, we kind of mentioned the boat project. and then my best friend asked me if i was going to do the boat with Charlotte, and so i said so is she doing the boat with Deanna.. and she was like oh i don't know.. N i was like oh..idk too.. and then she said i'll see.. and i said u gotta make a decision soon.. its almost here... and then i turned facing front in my seat thinking about it... and then i over heard Deanna say that "why don't you just do it with her.., its ok..." something along those lines.. and then i heard my BFF say that .. its ok.. or something then I DON'T REALLY CARE... and those words... just those 4 words.. it hurt.. it hurt me ... and made me cry at home later when i walked home by myself as i have already said. my tears just came out... I was about to cry during 6th period but i held it in.. @ that moment it felt like i was the only one who cared about me and her doing the boat project together.. she said she wants to do the boat project with me too.. since we had always done the projects in physics together.. and now.. there pops up a problem between our friends.. I didn't even realized a problem existed... but boy was i wrong... O_o my BFF must think i was mean ... then after that .... i just walked kinda fast leaving her behind when the bell rang for end of 5th period... and when she caught up i didn't say anything to her.. like i usually do.. or what ever and when we split up for 6th period she said bye to me.. but i just completely ignored her ..and walked into my 6th period across the hallway.. i felt such guilt..like that cuz i was such a DAMN BITCH to her.. and i regret it.. i didn't want to be like that towards her.. but i just felt really frustrated and kind of BETRAYED???!!! .. idk i'm so confused and lost..... i wanted to talk to someone about this but idk who... i'm so dramatic... why am i like this.. i'm even more childish than her... i'm so stupid... i'm probably gonna apologize to her later.. when I've calmed down. Why do i always seem to care for people who don't seem to value me as much as i value them.. to me it doesn't seem that way.. when i was small i really enjoyed playing with my cousin Nelly(again... fake name).. and pushed away other cousins that liked my company.. or see me as a "favorite" cousin.. to me she was my "favorite" cousin out of the others.. but to her..... she has someone else as her "favorite" cousin... and she still does.. so i just ignore it..and try to make another cousin my "favorite" cousin.. and when one day she asked us...(the cousins) who our favorite cousins were.. I just didn't give an answer.. cuz she said first and she said this one cousin of hers was her favorite.. and my heart just sank... and i was just ... u know what i'm not gonna say anything.. and this happened with my other cousins too.. i like my two other cousins too.. they were like my first favorite cousin... but they had their own favorite cousins... and i felt like maybe no one likes me..but i was just a Brat... i am so stupid and with guys too.. or crushes... all of my life no one has ever liked me. I'm so quiet, shy, awkward, weird, stupid, so ... didn't talk to many guys... and i wished i wasn't so shy, quiet, i want to be more talkative.. but being me... it depends on who i'm with. Sometimes I'm pretty quiet even around my best friends.. we're pretty similar in many ways... but sometimes i wish i understood her more and she understood me.. i still feel this distance and recently i feel distant with her especially when she talks to Deanna... I always get conscious when they chat in class. I try to talk to Charlotte.. but she rarely talks to me in class... she barely talks to me, my BFF or Deanna recently... she's very quiet in class... I just wanna throw a piece of rock at her head and say wake up already...and resolve this fight ...OMG you guys frustrate me...and i am so freaking tired.. why can't u guys just make up already i hate when my friends fight or dont get along with each other... it makes all of us uncomfortable to endure ur shit cuz you know what we all care about you guys and dont want you guys to feel uncomfortable seeing or talking to each other. YOU guys should just get ur shit together cuz we all want to get along with eachother.. and why can't u just tell us what the problem is... i mean we are ur friends... friends are there for each other now matter what if you keep hiding ur crap like that you expect us to use our telepathy powers to magically help you guys resolve ur problems? well sorry girls but we as humans dont possess such powers as telepathy. OMG... soo done with ranting... about the shit my stupid friends are making.. ughss... so mad... finally its out... -sighs- Charlotte and Deanna... please make up i beg you.. me and Remie(fake name for BFF) really care for you guys and we can all work together on the boat project two group as one... sorry i'm persistent to keep Remie as my partner.. :( so selfish... of me i'm soo sorry... its just not the same if i dont do the project with Remie. I know i'm the worst friend ever... but u love me right? .. i hope.........O.o Remie, I'm so sorry for being rude to you after school today(5.17.13) i'm truly sorry.. for making ur decision difficult.. but if you choose to do the boat with Deanna then i'll respect it cuz girl..., u are my BFF. <3 and Charlotte and Deanna, love you guys too... its just that I want to do the boat with Remie... no hard feelings.. its not that i dont want to do the boat with you Charlotte..., its just feels empty ^^ please understand.
