remember this, try.

31. they/them. in a balancing act.

[nosimpincurly]

[jessaerys]

i think it's beautiful that cats eat you if you die in your apartment and nobody finds you for a while. i don't know why it's used as anti-kitty cat propaganda as if eating you means they don't love u. if i died and no one found me for a while i would want my kitty cat to eat me bc i love her so much and i don't want her to starve. it's not her fault i'm too dead to give her her fancy feasts. she's going thru something scary ok. i don't know a single cat owner who doesn't feel the same way

[ace-trainer-alice]

they don't tell you this but human bodies make really, really good fidget toys. especially someone else's body, where you'll find it makes really nice noises if you poke and prod it right.

[the-mcgrath-index]

It's giving very demi 💅🏻

[c3rvida3]

Trauma-Informed Dirtbag Boyfriend: I'm punching myself in the head during this normal conversation as a form of stimming so I can self-soothe and emotionally regulate because getting called a bad person for cheating on you triggers my rejection-sensitive dysphoria.

[softness-and-shattering]

@aprillikesthings

"Then go self regulate somewhere else and come back when youre ready for a calm conversation, (and maybe talk to your therapist about how to find replacement stims that are less harmful to you)".

Im concerned by the idea that abusers shouldnt go to therapy, I dont think thats helpful. Using all the therapy speak in the world doesnt change their responsibility.

In this example, they cheated on you, that was wrong, their emotions are not for you to regulate and their "harmful stims" arent your responsibility to stop. Its nit your responsibility to avoid triggrring their "RSD", its theirs to learn how to manage and soothe it. Regardless of if its something theyre actually experiencing or making up to try control you. Either way the answer is you go do your emotional regulation, you talk to your therapist about it, come back to me when youve calmed down for a calm conversation. Oh youre panicking again lets pause till youre calm again. Look you panic every time we talk, it seems like youre not well enough to be in a relationship atm, I encourage you to keep seeing your therapist but I cant be with someone I cant have a serious conversation with.

[aprillikesthings]

Abusers are incredibly good manipulators. From outside, yes, it’s obvious who is at fault, but abuse victims have been lied to/gaslit/beaten down (whether physically or vocally or both) for so long that they believe their abuser’s lies. Or they know it’s easier to give in than keep arguing.

I’m not talking out of my ass here—my dad was an abusive shithead, and when he went to therapy and was supposedly “better” it took me years to figure out why being around him still made me feel like shit, and it’s that his abuse had just changed tactics. He was better, you know. I had to acknowledge that. Every time I saw him. I wasn’t allowed to be angry at him anymore, or I was the problem.

And under all of it was the threat that he could just start being cruel to us again.

Yeah.

But also this is like, a literal entire chapter of Why Does He Do That. Which was written by a therapist that ran groups for abusive men—most of whom were there by court order.

They’re not abusive because they’re mentally ill or traumatized (most people who are mentally ill or traumatized don’t become abusers), they’re abusive because it gets them what they want: power over another person/other people. People stop being abusive shitheads only when the cost of doing it is higher than they’re willing to live with.

Again: abusers are master manipulators.

[softness-and-shattering]

Im sorry that you went through that, and Im glad that you realised why he still felt bad to be around though it took more time. I hope youre safely out of that situation now.

I fully agree that abusers are manipulators with whatever tools they have available. Im just not convinced the solution to abusers using therapy speak is to isolate them from therapy speak. I think its important to be able to recognise therapy-speak manipulation as is recognising their other manipulations.

I think its important to be able to still understand who is and isnt responsible even if they are using therapy speak. Your judgement is your own to make and your forgiveness and trust is yours to give or withhold as you see fit. This is true regardless of him or others saying "hes better now so you have to forgive him", because youre correct, that was indeed further manipulation. And I know that its difficult and dangerous to speak up; imo the most important thing is knowing for yourself if something is true or bullshit, and your instincts were absolutely right that it was bullshit.

And its important to know what is and isnt your responsibility. Others emotions are not your responsibility, others "stims" are not your reslonsibility, others threats of self harm or suicide are not your responsibility. Regardless of if they say "if you contact your friend Ill punch myself in the head" or "I am punching my head as a stim to soothe me because you triggered my RSD", not your responsibility. If its "you have to forgive me because we're family" or "you have to forgive me because Im better now" or "it hurts me that you wont forgive me", no you dont. You dont owe forgiveness ever. You dont control anyone elses feelings or reactions no matter how much they blame you. Your own feelings are real no matter how much youre "not supposed to be upset". These base rules are true regardless of if they are challenged by therapy speak, or any other tactic of manipulation like appeals to family or to religion or "common sense" or anything. Manipulating therapy speak doesnt make it true, truth is not stored in therapy speak, its just one specialization of communication that can be misused.

I fully agree that people are abusive because they choose to be, almost all of the time. I have genuinely known people who were abusive while doing their best and completely misunderstanding things, who changed when they learned better - not through therapy, actually, just time and distance. I know most people will probably choose not to believe me on that or think Im being fooled but that is genuinely my experience. I dont think its a common experience, and no one is ever obliged to hang around waiting for change, I certainly didnt.

Regardless, abuse is always the abusers fault and never anyone elses, and they are never owed forgiveness no matter what terms they couch it in.

[aprillikesthings]

I think you're conflating "(usually young-ish) people who have bad relationship skills and end up doing shitty things because they don't know any better" with "abusers who are capable of doing you genuine physical harm and/or have been doing so for quite a while."

Yes, 100%, pointing out to the first group that the thing they're doing is unacceptable is a good idea. Talking to them when they're calmer is also a good idea. I've been the person who had shit relationship skills and acted out. I've had friends and partners when I was younger who also had to be told what they were doing was manipulative and shitty and not cool. Plenty of those people have changed for the better, some haven't.

But my dad knew he was doing the wrong thing, and I know this because the one time he apologized (in the most selfish, self-serving way humanly possible), he admitted it. Most abusers know they're being shitty people, because under the right conditions they'll openly admit it. And I firmly believe that even after my dad got "better," he knew damn well he was weaponizing therapy speak to make us grateful he wasn't hitting us anymore.

None of us, when it was happening, ever pointed out "hey the thing you're doing to us isn't cool." Often we didn't know (I mean, it took me years to figure it out re: why I was so on edge around my dad even as an adult), or we knew there was no point (because there was a genuine risk of violence) or he'd convinced us (well, my mom) that we deserved it. Being able to call people out on their shit behavior is dependent on 1. knowing their behavior is shit 2. not being literally scared of them and with good reason.

Also, he's dead; so yes I am safe, and thank you.

I see posts to (for instance) the subreddit for women with ADHD all the time, where the woman in question is convinced she's the problem in her relationship and is asking for advice on how to be a better wife/partner, and all of us are going "Wait, he said what to you? You know that's not okay, right?" And she doesn't know. She thinks he's right.

I have someone in my life whom I care a great deal about, who genuinely didn't know their previous partner was abusive until after they left. They'd tell me things that person said/did to them and I'd point out: That wasn't okay. You know that wasn't okay, right? You know you didn't deserve that, right? Said partner weaponized therapy speak on a regular basis, side note.

I'm going to politely request that you actually read Why Does He Do That if you haven't. Here's a pdf. And until then, please for gods sake don't tell abuse survivors that we should've just told him his emotions were his own responsibility.

[holocrone]

One of the best navigational tools ever built. Can't be jammed or intercepted. Something breaks, you can fix it yourself. Hard to learn. Yes, but once you've mastered it, you're free.

ANDOR 1.05 | The Axe Forgets

[sourdough-seal]

writing is easy actually. all you have to do is tell people what happened

[enjoylentgreen]

[catchymemes]

[michaun]

10 years since lexa died 10 years since alex danvers coming out 10 years since san junipero

[samanthadufeu]

I moved to Massachusetts in August of last year, and at first I didn't believe my partner when he said everyone here drives like an asshole...but like, EVERYONE here drives like a fucking asshole.

It was only when *I* started driving like an asshole that I realized: "Everyone drives like an asshole *because* everyone (else) drives like an asshole."

[outofcontextdiscord]

submitted by @oriocookie

[kqt-personal]

remember, the bravest thing you can do is continue living and finding little joys in this wretched life.

you gave me the best of me, so you'll give you the best of you.

[mothcub]

Number one task.

[femalegothic]

one of the most important tweets ever twote

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

reminders for today and every day:

you are not too much

you are not hard to love

you are allowed to have bad days

you are allowed to fall apart

you can do this

[animusrox]

X-MEN 97' (2024 - ) 1.05 "Remember It"

[prince4knights]

knights should let me touch their swords because I'm curious about the craftsmanship, and definitely not so I can flirt using thinly veiled sheath-themed euphemisms