Word count: 1786 | Prompt: Wet | @hollanovmicrofic
Tags: Teenage-hollanov, angst, hinting at suicide, dw it's just a panic attack, protective Ilya, overstimulated shane, continuation of "Echo" (pt.1) and "Buzz" (pt. 2)
It was 9pm and Shane wasn't on his bed.
Ilya's leg was bouncing up and down as he stared at the door, waiting for the familiar silhouette to emerge.
"Ilya, are you okay? Here, grab a snickers." Ilya rolled his eyes, teasing laughter emerging from all sides. The boys were annoying him, his neck was straining and he didn't know where Shane was, and Shane was always here at 8pm, so where the hell was he?
With a jolt he got to his feet, making the boys look up to him in surprise. "It was a joke, dude, chill," the guy said, but Ilya just shrugged.
"I feel itchy. I'm going to walk it off." He turned, slipped on his slippers, and out he went without another glance back.
The sun was setting, tinging everything in hues of orange and red. Ilya's gaze traveled down the circle of camp cottages around the common area, checking whether Shane was just simply held back somewhere. There were different groups of teenagers scattered around, enjoying the last rays of sunlight and the humid summer air around the camp fire, before hitting the sheets and starting a new day.
They'd been here for over a week now -- still two weeks to go before either of them had to think about going back. Before Ilya could think further, he jerked into motion. If Shane wasn't here, and not around the camp fire, then perhaps he was at the main hall, getting a new book.
He stepped into the double-door frame, surveying the space. Shane hadn't mentioned anything, and Ilya began noticing that today had been strangely quiet between the two. Usually, they would race each other to death in the lake, only for them to end up eating dinner together and then slowly separating to their routines. Ilya would mess around with other camp participants, and Shane would retire to his bed to read.
But today, Shane had evaded Ilya's invitation for dinner. In fact, Ilya was sure Shane didn't have any dinner at all today, not having seem him since they separated after their swim. He furrowed his brows. Their usual race had been weird too, what with Ilya winning for the first time since they arrived. Ilya was confident in his athletic abilities, yes, but he knew Shane was leagues ahead of him and he was not too proud to admit that. To himself only, obviously.
Shane had been off. Something was off, and it clawed at the back of Ilya's skull.
Seeing as Shane wasn't in the main hall either, Ilya's heart pounded quicker. He noticed their swimming instructor, who doubled as one of their camp overseers, standing close to the fire place and moving the wood. Ilya made his way over, his step quick and urgent.
"Will," he called out, making the man turn, a brow raised in question. "Have you seen Shane?"
Will looked even more confused, because yes, Shane apparently not being in their dorm was weird. "No," slight worry tinging his eyes. "Why, is he not at the cottage?"
"No," Ilya shook his head, looking around again, perhaps having missed him.
"That's not good, I haven't seen him since today's swim." Will turned as well, surveying the area closely.
"Okay, well I'll check the lake. I know we're not supposed to, but maybe Shane's there."
Will nodded in understanding, because they both knew Shane loved the water. "Here, take this," he gave Ilya a flashlight. "In case it gets too dark to see - it's dangerous there during the night, make sure to not misstep. I'll check the other cottages."
Ilya nodded, grabbing the small flashlight, pacing over to the paved entry down to the lake.
He didn't know why it was the lake that seemed the most reasonable to him. Shane wouldn't come down here, seeing as he always followed instructions. One being that they were not allowed to go to the lake after dinner.
"Shane," Ilya called, stopping for two seconds, pricking his ears for any sounds. Nothing. He continued down the path, worrying his lip.
"Shane," he called again, more urgent. He was entering the clearing on which they left their water bottles and snacks before entering the lake for their rounds. Again, nothing. Except shoes and neatly folded clothes. Well, fuck.
"Shane!" Okay, Ilya was panicking. His eyes flitted around the whole clearing, trying to make out a silhouette he would recognize in his sleep.
And then there was a splash. A loud gasp and heavy coughing. Ilya's heart sank into his gut as he flew to the spot he heard the sounds coming from. He fiddled with the flashlight, the sun having set and making everything blurry and hard to see.
The sounds came from the far side -- behind a rocky ledge, big enough to hide behind, dark water marking it as a deep spot of the lake. He jumped over the rocks leading up to the edge, his hands grabbing for a hold as they tried to balance on the ledge. He gazed into the lake and saw movement.
"Shane!" Ilya called again, louder, not even trying to hide the emotions welling up. And then, there was that face. Eyes locked onto his, blown wide, mouth hanging open.
"What the fuck are you doing?!" Oh, that went too far.
Shane spluttered, clearly not understanding the situation or Ilya's sudden rage. Ilya noticed how Shane's eyes couldn't seem to focus, and for a short second, he felt tears prickle his eyes.
"I fucking hope this isn't what it looks like, because I promise you, I will jump down there and drag you out myself, you hear me Shane?" Funny how his English was near perfect when his brain felt like it was on fire.
"Now listen to me." He held Shane's gaze with an iron grip, brows deeply furrowed. "You will swim around and back to clearing. You got it? I'll guide you, okay?"
Shane, still perplexed, silently nodded. His arms reached out, and slowly, his body went into motion. Ilya followed him, the flashlight signaling Shane's way back to the shore.
Ilya stepped ahead, waiting for Shane to arrive. The latter was trudging up the slope, slowly walking out of the water. That's when Ilya noticed the puffy, red eyes and the slumped shoulders. The way Shane's lips seemed to be chewed to blood.
Once he was out, Ilya stepped forward with purpose.
He was supposed to walk away from it. Not think about it. Yet here he was, seeing the same expression his mother had, every time she came out of her room. Every time she had locked herself away for days, only to appear more hollow as the days passed. Until she locked herself away for good.
His hands drove into Shane's hair, pressing the cold and wet body against his. Shane was shaking, his breath ragged. Ilya didn't know why. He didn't know why Shane was here, what he did out there, and right now, he didn't need to know. He could feel the tension inside Shane, and pulled him closer.
"Everything will be okay. You will be okay. I'm here." He patted the back of Shane's head.
After a moment, Ilya noticed hands coming around and hugging him back. At first delicately. Soon enough Shane pressed himself as tight as possible on Ilya, a sob wrecking the cold body, and Ilya let Shane guide them down to their knees.
He buried his face into Ilya's neck and Ilya could feel hot tears dropping on his skin, his own barely held back.
"Sssh, I got you. I got you," he hummed, softly rocking their bodies.
After a few minutes - Ilya couldn't pin-point how long - Shane leaned back slightly, his eyes turned down. Ilya could see the tears clinging to his lashes, a deep blush dusting Shane's cheeks. Ilya let his fingers roam the soft freckles, making Shane look up. "You okay?" Ilya murmured, checking in.
A small smile quirked Shane's corners involuntarily, his hands clasping around Ilya's wrists, keeping them where they are. "Not really, no. But I can breathe again."
Ilya let out a delicate breath, nodding once to himself and once to Shane. "Okay," he surmised, taking a second to watch Shane closely. "Okay," he reaffirmed and leaned back on his heels, taking his hands off Shane's face. They fell into his lap as he looked Shane straight in the eyes, not searching for anything. Just staring.
He could see the fight inside Shane. Could see the clouds, the ticking jaw, the heart beat picking up.
"You come to me next time, okay?" Ilya declared, his tone final. Shane's focus snapped on him like an arrow being shot. Realization dawned on him.
"No wait, Ilya, oh God wait—" Shane brushed his hands over his face, pushing out a sound of frustration.
"I didn't want to commit… It's not that, okay?!" Shane let his hands fall into his lap, mimicking Ilya's position.
"It's just… sometimes," his eyes drifted away, searching for the proper words, "sometimes it feels like I need to scratch my skin off, you know? Like, my heart feels too big, beating too quickly. My skin itches and burns and there's so many people always, always around—"
Shane took a deep breath, looking to his hands. "And then my eyes turn blurry, my ears feel like they're going to burst, and I want to scream and the only thing that helps is just," he motions to the lake. "Dumping my head into water until there is nothing else."
Ilya stared intensely at Shane. That… made sense, strangely enough. He could see how camp life was not something Shane would enjoy, which begged the question why the hell his parent signed him up in the first place.
Ilya nodded. "So, panic attack, yes?" Why tip-toe around it, if they could just openly discuss it.
Shane looked at Ilya's chest for a second and then nodded. "Yes, panic attack."
Ilya hummed, tearing his eyes away for the first time. He looked over to where he had abandoned the flashlight, its light streaming across the lake, illuminating their space softly. "Well, what I said still stands then."
He looked back to Shane, whose brows furrowed in confusion.
"You come to me next time this happens and we will figure it out, okay?"
Shane's eyes melted, meeting Ilya's. Without thinking, Ilya reached his hands out, holding Shane's. So what if Ilya's eyes were blurry? So what if his voice cracked, saying that last part?
He wasn't going to leave this boy deal with everything by himself, and he would make damn sure of it.
End note: Uff, sorry guys, i blacked out on this one. Teared up while writing it, too. Listening to this made it all the more emotional. Hope you heeded the tags, and you didn't accidentally sign up for something you don't want to read. Also, yay, double-upload! Thank you for being here, and I hope you enjoyed the experience nonetheless <3
