puppet

19, kind of a vent account but kind of me being real

[kunikuzushimono]

I'm almost 20 and a day will come where im no longer a poor thing and I'm no longer a sad story for being so young and so disabled. I'll be a statistic, a 'if has to happen to someone', a common case of someone with chronic pain and thats all they'll see. They wont see me dropping out due to how hard it is to be in education and in so much pain, they wont see my lack of friends because I cant commit to seeing them. All theyll see is that I'm an adult and disabled

[kunikuzushimono]

My personal horror movie is being a musician and realising that due to my disability getting worse im struggling to play as often. Playing metal on the bass is currently doing the same pain on my wrists as going for a walk without my stick does to my ankles

[kunikuzushimono]

We recieved a wig today that we purchased a while back and Im so glad, this idiot (the host) dyed our hair green and I personally hate it. Thankfully I'm the one who made the order so its my wig and only my wig

-Zane

[kunikuzushimono]

Ive explained to my parents on multiple occasions what my identity means to me, my name, my pronouns, my plurality, my disabilities, my disorders. They've separately attended appointments, seen letters, heard calls. They know what these things mean and how sensitive those topics are to me.

But no, they're dating again and will deadname me, misgender me, call me crazy and looking for attention and being dramatic and that I should grow up and that I dont need the help I recieve. They poke fun at my insecurities, laugh about my issues like I'm some puppet in a show.

These people piss me off because I can never unmask infront of them, headmates cant wind down and be themselves, I can't recover from a bad pain day, I cant trust that I wont be called a name i havent gone by since 2018 and it just hurts

[fibro-memes]

[asexual-amanita]

Friendly reminder that your mental illness acceptance is not true acceptance if it ends when someone has

- Narcissistic personality disorder

- Factitious disorder

- Body integrity identity disorder

-Substance abuse disorder

-Antisocial personality disorder

-Schizospec disorders

You can’t pick and choose which mentally ill people are worthy of your acceptance and support. That’s just ableist.

[imjunebitch]

actually fucking disgusting that glasses cost any money like if you actually think about it for more than a few seconds it is so unconscionably inhumane. this goes for things like insulin and mobility aids and hearing aids too ofc but fuck man, fucking glasses? the thing you need to fucking see? its genuinely sickening and inhumanly evil that those cost ANYTHING.

[kunikuzushimono]

This because why are my glasses £50, my new cane is most likely going to cost over 100 because I need a thicker one to support me more despite the fact I'll have to upgrade to a forarm crutch soon anyway and despite being on a benefit for disabled people it covers neither. My money hardly stretches past food and living costs because the government gives you the least they legally can, how do people afford this shit?

[fairylilies]

i’m so sorry if someone made you think it’s hard to love you

[kunikuzushimono]

Can we stop making fun of disabled people please?

I went to the shop today and didn't bring my cane with me as I thought i could easily handle it as the shop is one street away. Turns out I couldn't and was limping on the way back, a group of people MY AGE tried not to laugh at me limping down the street.

Not to be the fun police but im 19, in pain close to agony and these arseholes laughed about it. Theyre the same people who live on my street and they're probably the nastiest people I've met, 19 years old and I get l laughed at for being in pain and the same group laugh when I have my cane.

I feel like a faker when I use my cane as I'm able to walk fast until it hurts and then i slow down and put more weight on the cane and it genuinely puts a damper on your day to be treated like this.

I dont care about people laughing at the fact I look different style wise but I'm quite sensitive about my disability.

[kunikuzushimono]

I dont actually give a fuck if you're endogenic, it literally does not effect me in any way shape or form. I still have no clue if it refers to your plurality not being from trauma or if it means your headmates not being from trauma but literally neither of those effect me or my experiences. Everyone experiences life differently and I dont think we should be shitty to people who experience it differently.

[kunikuzushimono]

Speaking with this girl who keeps making weird comments about my headmates, subtly saying she doesnt believe that they're real, saying shes a little freaked out by one of them and she doesnt want to talk with him again. She makes weird comments about it and it kind of upsets me because ive never once made comments like that about her or her headmates

[kunikuzushimono]

It makes me so angry that my only option is therapy, I'm so deeply sick in the head and they'll just lock me up. I spoke about ptsd, did, schizophrenia, ocd and obsession with these people and all they do is advise you to write a diary, it makes me angry because I want real advice. Real help. I want to be able to communicate with my peers but these people will never help me but they're my only option.

Dont even get me started on institutions, they're built to hide the mentally ill not to help them. They're there to take away from people who are struggling, to take everything down to their free will and hide them from society.

The whole thing about certain mental illnesses making you dangerous pisses me off too. Its always a disorder that becomes 'cool'.

[kunikuzushimono]

I've had nightmare after nightmare for days on end, ones that leave me crying and scared. I dont know how ive done this for so long, being scared every night, being scared to sleep but scared to stay awake. I want a hug, someone to stroke my hair and tell me itll be okay and it was just a dream but I dont have that. Its rare that someone lets me cry infront of them and even rarer that I get comfort. I'm 19 years old I should be able to deal with it by now but its just a lot

[kunikuzushimono]

I saw a tiktok earlier that said 'if I was drunk in a room of the people I truly loved, I know who id rest my head on' and ive been thinking about it all day because theres only really two people ive truly and genuinely loved. One of them would stroke my hair and tell me it's okay, encouragement for my antics and drunken rambling. I think about that person a lot, about what they did to me and put me through and even to this day I cant get truly angry about it because she was so loving, so open to my antics and ideas. I think she was the only person who's dated me who ever truly loved me in that way and I think that worsens the blow. I dont miss her behavior but I miss her energy.

[kunikuzushimono]

As a kid I had a lot of moments where all I wanted was a little help. I would fall and get no attention over it, not even a look over. No matter if I cried or screamed or acted out there was no help so I became quiet. All I wanted was for someone to kiss my boo boos or whatever. When I was like 13 I was cleaning up and passed out on the stairs and thus fell down a few and hit my head. My mother and grandmother's first reactions weren't 'oh shit, are you okay?' It was to tell me that I forgot to clean a few cups. Even to this day I tell everyone about my medical issues because what I crave is for someone to baby me a little and tell me it'll be okay but that'll never come.

[cambriancrew]

There's a good amount of peace in concluding that other people can do basically whatever and so long as it's not directly affecting me and my own rights, it's fine.

There are exceptions of course but this is the main thing for us.

[kunikuzushimono]

I think being alone does a lot for a person. As a child I was moved between schools and houses a lot, even up to now I still dont know where I'll live next month. They tried 3 schools for me, each for 6 months where I inevitably dropped out.

Because of this i was alone. My mother had work and my father was a deadbeat, all of my siblings did school and had friends so up until the age of 11 I was alone. I went to high school for 1 and 1/2 years before the pandemic hit which bought me back to being alone.

I dont know how to speak to people. Just before i went to college i ended up meeting someone who said they were the same, she tore apart whoever i thought i was and made me into a new person. in college I struggled with relationships and how to keep them, how to make people see me as equal. I didnt know how to present myself, what was right and wrong to share about myself. Who to tell certain things. I thought the correct way to keep friends and partners is to stay until they hurt me, I thought it was a never ending cycle.

All of that time alone only taught me that nobody is real and they dont matter, they will never understand me as a person, they'll never see the efforts I put into them, they'll never see the way I beg for just a little more. I'll never be loved the way I need and ive come to acceptance with it I think.