Itās been a while. A chaotic school year, but mostly a very depressing and gut wrenching one.
I failed my first year of health school. In my country, itās a shared year for med, dental, midwifery, physiotherapy and pharmacology students. Based on your rank at the exam, you can choose your path. I only wanted medicine, but had a burn out and failed, as many do, as there is 13% of success rate at students getting in.
I had been studying towards this goal, towards this specific year of my life, for my whole life. And I failed it. Despite always being a straight A student, and in top 3 of my class every year.
Everyone thought I was gonna ace it, including me.
Well, I got depressed, burnt out, attempted in uniās bathroom stalls, relapsed, isolated myself, never felt as worthless as this year before in my life. And realized Iām simply not as clever as I always thought I was. I canāt focus for long periods of time. In fact, I canāt focus at all. Before, I used to rely on my natural abilities and good short term memory to pass exams, which is far from enough for med school. I never needed to focus that much. Last year, for high school final exams, I did kind of start realizing that I donāt have good focus but always thought when it will be needed, Iāll be able to, right?
Well, no. Daydreaming and constant thoughts in my head do not just go away. I literally canāt focus, I donāt have any attention span.
And Iām really weak psychologically. Like, weeeak. I have extremely low self worth and constantly compare myself to others which is basically the disaster recipe in 1st year.
I donāt know what Iām gonna do next year, Iām completely lost and depressed at the fact I failed 1st year. The only thing I ever wanted was to be a doctor, and now I donāt want to bother living this life. Well. Letās see where this journey takes me.
I started medical school preparation. I am in the same class as two of my friends and I have other friends in that same building.
I struggle to find motivation to study. When i study for more than one hour, my head already hurts and I canāt focus. (If someone can explain why iād be super interested)
I feel already behind, because everyone is working so hard and I barely touch my lessons. I start to panic, because I thought preparatory class would wake me tf up before medical school and shake me out of my slump, but what if iāve just becomed a lazy person?
I cut off Tiktok, Instagram since a while and now Youtube and Snapchat. I told myself Iād stop watching series for lunch break starting today, but then i told myself āit canāt hurt, just two episodesā and i watched four. Then read my book. Started working at 4 PM. Then got distracted talking to chat gpt trying to have it help me with something but got frustrated lmao.
Note to self: just give up with chatgpt. Itās now 7 PM and I worked anatomy for barely 1h. Worst thing, i knew when I picked up my phone that it would end up like this. So I just now deleted chatgpt. It feels weird to be addicted to your phone when all your usual doomscrolling apps donāt work. Itās like trying to use a muscle of an amputated limb (very dramatic comparison).
IF ANYONE HAS TIPS TO HELP ME ;D (im begging)
I hate being a med student addicted to my phone SO MUCH. I hate being tired and desperate yet so competitive? I genuinely donāt get my brain. You want to be the best, then WORK? Nope, I hate being behind but canāt study for sh!t. Make it make sense.
PS: If any of you are interested in filmed study with me let me know:)
As always in June, my life becomes a mess. Summerās approaching, meaning the end, and this year itās the end of high school. I wonāt ever see all my friends again and next year is med schoolās first year, like, the hardest competitive exam.
I have trouble studying for our final exams since I already know I technically pass. I am aiming at the best honors, but I canāt bring myself to study. I feel like a slug, my mind and body moving so slowly yet so fast. I canāt focus for sh!t, not even in a conversation, not even watching a show, not even reading and even less trying to study. I wanted to delete social media but I think Iām actually gonna keep this one, because itās the least distracting and I like the idea of having a little blog and having to take accountability.
Next week I have appointments with psychiatrists. I have been struggling with mental health since a child, with self-h@rm and ED (now recovered). I think I maybe have ADHD (since itās often associated with high IQ) and depressĀ”ve/ su!c!dal episodes. I am also like addicted to dopamine (food, music, distractions, my phoneā¦) and it ruins my life. I donāt think I have OCD, but I do have compulsive thoughts and paranoia (I feel like everyone is constantly staring at me and wants to hurt me or is mocking me, especially now that I got āprettyā boys are lustful and want to have relationships and Iām scared of them, i have been hurt by men before in my past) I daydream all the time and dissociate 24/7, I speak alone. I just pace in my room. I imagine scenarios where someone cares about me (in an innocent way), since I feel utterly lonely even though I have caring and lovely friends. (This is rlly vulnerable lol but I donāt think anyone will read thisā¦)
Even though Im scared of men, itās weird because I am a hopeless romantic and I always fall for boys who seem religious, gentle and nice but are always out of my reach because theyāre popular and rich or weāre in different friend groups or theyāre in love with someone else. I feel like I wasted my teenage years working, being isolated and introverted. And now, girls my age are successful and hardworking, but also party with the whole school every Friday and are careless and fun. While Iām still a lonely freak, but I canāt even study anymore. I only feel like myself when I study and get good results, when I donāt, Iām just a shell of myself.
I know I canāt blame myself for being mentally ill but itās still frustrating to ruin my potential, especially when I know I am actually clever and always had big ambitions.
So, baby steps.
I want to be normal.
No, yk what, I want to be happy. In my own little way. I want to live a little life, stop overthinking it and be a happy little neurosurgeon in my happy little home, drinking tea and calling my pookie bear friends. I want to acknowledge what happened to me as a kid and heal. I want myself to know itās okay to never have been a cool girl, to never have partied every Friday but stayed home rotting, to never have had a boyfriend, because at least another girl will be gently taken care of, and what matters at the end of the day is my own company. I have to learn to love it.
Iāll clean my room and let the fresh breeze in, and one day itāll be okay :)
I got a 10/10 (100%) on a simple biology test (it was muscular fibre drawing to complete, we were warned we were gonna be tested on it so i learnt it very well; itās an easy grade and im happy cause it compensates the 0 i had on a previous test like this because i drew the wrong onešš
And i got 20/20 in philosophy! Im happy because i didnāt study that much but the test was easy (there were 2 different subjects and i got the easier onešš)
I survived the week?š„¹ Like, the biology, the philosophy, Spanish, biology again-, scientific learning tests!
Iām very disappointed in myself because I write very slowly so it took a while even though it wasnāt that much to write. I mean I have arthritis + long nails but still. But I have no other choice because my notebook is a MESS.
Luckily now the whole lesson will be on printed papers!
Itās 1PM lol. I mean itās my fault for starting so late.
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