Well.
It’s been a while. A chaotic school year, but mostly a very depressing and gut wrenching one.
I failed my first year of health school. In my country, it’s a shared year for med, dental, midwifery, physiotherapy and pharmacology students. Based on your rank at the exam, you can choose your path. I only wanted medicine, but had a burn out and failed, as many do, as there is 13% of success rate at students getting in.
I had been studying towards this goal, towards this specific year of my life, for my whole life. And I failed it. Despite always being a straight A student, and in top 3 of my class every year.
Everyone thought I was gonna ace it, including me.
Well, I got depressed, burnt out, attempted in uni’s bathroom stalls, relapsed, isolated myself, never felt as worthless as this year before in my life. And realized I’m simply not as clever as I always thought I was. I can’t focus for long periods of time. In fact, I can’t focus at all. Before, I used to rely on my natural abilities and good short term memory to pass exams, which is far from enough for med school. I never needed to focus that much. Last year, for high school final exams, I did kind of start realizing that I don’t have good focus but always thought when it will be needed, I’ll be able to, right?
Well, no. Daydreaming and constant thoughts in my head do not just go away. I literally can’t focus, I don’t have any attention span.
And I’m really weak psychologically. Like, weeeak. I have extremely low self worth and constantly compare myself to others which is basically the disaster recipe in 1st year.
I don’t know what I’m gonna do next year, I’m completely lost and depressed at the fact I failed 1st year. The only thing I ever wanted was to be a doctor, and now I don’t want to bother living this life. Well. Let’s see where this journey takes me.
