[bunrobot]

Doctors Hate Her! Local woman is "just really mean to doctors", says one

[thebootydiaries]

Me:makes a reference only i get and then laughs about it because i saw what i did there

[okaytrue]

*comes across a slight inconvenience* me: you know what would solve this ????? death

[d0gbl0g]

[powerburial]

What does noon to afternoon mean?

[thespacegoat-deactivated2016100]

12:00-12:01

He dips his hands in wet cement and then goes home. He does this every day. Just for his dog.

[eggcup-deactivated20180129]

hmm? what’s that? oh, you don’t like my seeds? *evolves into a fruit that bears no seeds but is now a monoculture that is especially susceptible to pests and disease* how about that idiot 

[boo-boo-the-fool-strikes-again]

Don’t vague post about bananas you scum

[melowtune]

[1991series]

[crowisgone-deactivated20230422]

Imagine going to a party and the white suburban stay at home mom with two overachiever kids and white dad who barbeques but doesn’t know how to barbeque and yet is always surrounded by other white Dads who compliment his barbqeuing even though they’re just store bought preshaped frozen patties from Ralph’s or Food 4 Less and while he’s cooking those the white mom comes out and says “okay kids, here’s some pizza!” And she pulls this out and starts telling the kids why its a “fun pizza” and then cries in her master bedroom when no one likes it or finishes it and the white dad is then consoling her why she sobs that she’s a terrible mother and ruined her fourth grade straight B+ sons birthday and thinks her kids hate her but they don’t care but she continues crying softly into her pillow while the children eat poorly cooked burgers with unmelted kraft singles and too much mayonnaise and the only other condiments are two pickles and pepper because the dad calls it his special burger with a secret spice but the spice was just pepper and the kids just keep playing E rated games on their Nintendo Wii while the 17 year old older sister starts cleaning the tragedy up and throwing away uneaten “fun pizza” and whole burgers dejected from the start while she dials Pizza Hut to get these kids an actual birthday lunch and the mother then throws a fit because the daughter did something the kids liked and she didn’t and was the only one making a huge deal out of it and the daughter was then grounded from her TV in her room for only two days and the son went to blow out the candles in his standard birthday cake from food 4 less the mom added strawberries to so she could feel she did something but was still slightly teary and sad because her day was ruined by no one wanting to eat her “fun pizza”

[inbox-deactivated20131029]

ppl are ignoring me like im rob kardashian

[lostentirely]

who

[rhaella]

lemony snicket was really out there teaching us as elementary schoolers about grey morality, about how neither good nor bad people always get what they deserve, how being clever and kind doesn’t always guarantee you will triumph (although it’s certainly better than the alternative), how ignorant/complacent/dismissive though well-meaning adults can have just as harmful an impact on children as those with ill intentions, and how not every story has a happy and complete ending

[poorpoorpitifulme]

Also the meaning of, like, a whole bunch of words

[hashtagloveloses]

EXCUSE ME WHAT THE FUCK?!

[wildplantts]

I love that she is exposing the ugly stuff that goes on in washington. This is why the politicians hate her so much but the people love her.

[aerylon]

What was that bit about “draining the swamp” again?

[saturniata-remade-deactivated20]

ohhh i DEEPLY regret teaching my cat how to talk

[kawaii-kozume]

Oh? Would you elaborate?

[saturniata-remade-deactivated20]

okay so one night like a week or two ago kurt was meowing at me and one of the meows sounded like he was saying “hewwo” so since then I started saying “hewwo” instead of meowing back at him (like I do with all his cat sounds, naturally) and slowly his meows evolved into something vaguely “hewwo”like with the one or two True and Powerful Hewwo’s a day

but now that you have backstory I was just standing in my kitchen making rice, everythings dead silent, and suddenly this fucking “HEWWO??” echoes through the whole apartment and it almost killed me

[evilauthor]

I actually got in huge trouble with my fiance’s sister for that. One night, I heard Fish meowing and it kinda sounded like she was saying “hello” so I decided to encourage it. If no one was going to try to get the cat to stop screaming at 3am, I wanted to try to get her to scream words so everyone would be as disturbed about it as I was. For the better part of three years, I used treats to reward her whenever she “spoke” while not letting anyone else know I was trying to teach her stuff.

One day, my fiance’s sister goes to give Fish a treat and the cat whiffs it. Misses the treat completely and it bounces under the fridge, so she’s trying to stick her paw under to get it back.

“Oh no, Fish. You lost your snack!”

“I know I know.”

Instant chaos. It wasn’t even Fish’s best words. If she had only said it once, maybe no would have noticed, but the repetition got attention and everyone just lost it. I made the mistake of praising Fish and suddenly I have the sister turn on me. “Are you why she says ‘oh no’ all the time?” Apparently Fish rarely “meows” properly anymore and will say “Oh no” whenever she’s mildly inconvenienced and wants a human to fix it for her.

[greelin]

good responses to getting stabbed with a sword

rude

that’s fair

not again

are you gonna want this back or can i keep it

[laffgaff]

I just farted in my wallet.

Now I have gas money.

[infamousprincejayyeee-deactivat]

[spankmehillary-deactivated20220]

What song is this Nicki verse from?

[thebootydiaries]

You: May I have the bill?

Me, an intellectual: Might I acquire the William?

[powerfulwizard]

At this point, every round mammal is a hamster to me.

[cantanopeshitthatwastaken]

coconut

[powerfulwizard]

I think we both have different definitions of what mammal is but I can’t say I disagree with you.

[thedreadpiratejames]

[the-awkward-turt]

I really don’t understand why more Christians are not conservation-oriented. If you believe the Lord of the Universe created the world as a gift to humankind how is it ok to destroy it?

[catchymemes]

How deep does the hole go?

Art by Penzilla