"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you."
- Friedrich Nietzsche
Even in modern Japan, most grooms wear the traditional black and white ensemble on their wedding day. On top of the common under garments, he will wear four layers:
an underkimono (called a nagajuban) with some sort of decoration on the back.
a solid black kimono with five family crests (called a montsuki) with obi
a pair of black and white striped pleated pants (called hakama).
a solid black jacket with the same five family crest (called a haori). The lining of this jacket will have an elaborate design, often matching the design on the nagajuban. The haori is not worn with a belt but is loosely tied in the front with a white pom-pom'ed tie (called a himo).
The footwear is a pair of white tabi socks and white square-toe’d zori sandals. The groom might carry a fan for photos.
As with the bride’s attire, these ensembles are quite elaborate, expensive and worn only once, so most grooms will rent them for the day.
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This is the latest addition to our Kyoto Kimono Frequently Asked Questions page. Click here to see them all…
Summary: Marriage is not what you thought it would be with Kotoyuki, yet he still attempts to uphold his promises to love and cherish you. At the local festival, a face from your past reappears and a new side of your husband becomes known.
Content/Warning(s): GAME SPOILERS, Silent Hill F themes around marriage, Reader unable to distinguish what is real or not, manipulation present, doubt of self/reality, yandere themes (possessive, willingness to kill), minor character death, implied past trauma to reader, talks of vomiting (no vomiting occurred)
A/N: Erm, idk. I really wanted to explore Silent Hill in both its metaphorical presentation while also playing into it's literal self. I really hope that comes across well in this. This can be read as a follow up of sorts to The Smiling Fox, but it doesn't have to be read in order to understand this. Also apologies for making the reader seem so off... but i figure with the amount of trauma that happens it would make sense. I half hated this, half liked it but overall i think it turned out well. So I hope you guys enjoy.
It was strange being married to Tsuneki Kotoyuki.
After the rituals were completed and you were officially wedded to him, you weren’t sure what was real or not. You remember hazily that you cut off your own arm, had it replaced, and part of your face was removed and fashioned with a fox mask. You remember physically changing into the faceless creature haunting the thick fog. You remember the pain and the tears and Kotoyuki’s presence.
The next morning you were physically you. Yet, it didn’t feel like it at the same time.
Once all was said and done, the mist and growth that took over the town receded and the demented creatures you saw and battled were no longer around. The mask that adorned your husband’s face is no longer present, but simply a decorative piece on the wall of your shared home. You still catch glances of the horrors you faced in the corner of your eyes or you see that transformed version of yourself in brief looks into the mirror, which keeps you on the edge of sanity. Well, with what little you had left after everything. The trauma you faced changed you and your mental health has suffered for it.
As the months passed, marriage was not what you hoped for it to be, at least in public. With the scrutiny of Kotoyuki’s parents always present on how you both should be, he was often stoic and sometimes cold towards you; leading you and making decisions for you. It is as if you were merely his shadow now that you gave yourself up to him and his clan. It wasn’t that he wanted to be distant with you but it is what is expected of him and you. It made the marriage feel off, like it was a simple ruse that benefitted his family somehow, though you started feeling that after the rituals and ceremony were completed, when everything cleared.
In private, though, he is doting and sweet, almost to a smothering degree, like he promised. When his family isn’t watching yours or his every move, you almost feel like you were equal to him. He listens to your concerns, input, and whatever may be on your mind. While he can’t, or perhaps won’t, do anything that would upset your in-laws, he tries to make up for it when it is just you two. His touches are soft and it’s as if he knows you’ve always felt touch-starved before. When he can’t be affectionate in public, he doubles it in private.
It gave you whiplash and while you deeply savored the soft moments that allowed you a semblance of comfort and what marriage could be, the day and night behavior made you almost miserable. And you can tell Kotoyuki knows this. His hands were tied but he tried. He truly tried to uphold his promise to love you and make you happy…and it made everything that felt fake seem real, further confusing you.
Was this affection for you or something to placate you and keep you compliant?
You couldn’t tell and sometimes… you didn’t want to dwell on that possibility.
Sweet and loving, cold and stoic; those were the two sides of him you witnessed and lived with. But a third finally reared its head: possessive, jealous, and violent.
It was a rather peaceful morning with you and Kotoyuki enjoying breakfast and tea together. It is silent but he sat right next to you, hand on your knee, as you both stared out at the surrounding scenery outside what you both called home. It felt like a rare moment of clarity for you. For just a moment, sitting with your husband in tranquil peace, had you feeling almost normal. No haunting nightmares the night before, no shadows or glimpses of fog in the corner of your eyes.
It was a day for just you and him. No plans. No family obligations. Just you and him existing.
Kotoyuki looked at you and smiled softly. For a moment you see that mask on him, but it disappears when you see the warmth in his gaze. That was the only vision that never really frightened you like the others. Perhaps because of what you felt were positives during that period in the fog, the sight of the mask gave you great comfort. His hand gently squeezes your knee before he leans in and places a ghost of a kiss to your cheek. While he is affectionate, he never crosses a line you set. Your past had you hating intimate touches but slowly you’ve grown accustomed to his.
“What would you like to do today?” He murmurs. His voice is still so smooth and sweet on your ears. You fiddle with the warm cup in your hands as you mull over his question. “The day is yours.”
“I’m not sure. Relaxing so far has been nice.” You reply softly and take a sip of your tea. “There is one thing I have in mind… but…” Your voice trails off.
Kotoyuki tilts his head. “Go on. Tell me.”
“The local festival seems interesting.” Your voice is almost a whisper. You see the way his lips press together and you already know what he is thinking. “I know. It’s-”
“We will go if that is what you want, my darling.” Kotoyuki is quick to reply. His hands take one of yours and he holds it close to his chest. “I know you enjoyed it as a child. It would bring me great joy to take you.”
You weren’t sure how he knew that but you didn’t question it. You never question much anymore.
You manage to give him a genuine smile and you seem him practically beam at being able to please you. “Thank you, Kotoyuki.”
“I don’t expect my parents to be there… so just relax. We will have a good time together, I promise.” You feel that he was reassuring you both with that statement.
You both go when the sun sets, dressing in simple, yet traditional clothes. When you both leave and walk to where the festival is being held, you take the initiative to loop your arm with his. You can tell by the smile he was trying to conceal that little action you did pleases him. It makes a rare warmth grow in your chest.
The festival is decorated with various lanterns hanging above the walk ways. There are abundant booths for food, trinkets, or medicinal remedies. It is packed with people and out of instinct and your own worries, you move yourself a little closer to your husband. You feel your heart rate spike and you start to see things in the corner of your eyes.
Kotoyuki leans in close, whispering against your ear. “Be calm. I am with you.”
Slowly, you suck in a deep breath before exhaling. Those creeping visions along your peripheral vanish for now. You tentatively nod and he leads you through the crowd and slowly, you relax.
Whenever you show interest in a booth, Kotoyuki makes sure to stop. If you stared at an item a little too long he would buy it. Any snack that made you lick your lips? He got one for you both to share.
You felt lighter for the first time in months. You felt almost like yourself again. You were smiling and holding onto Kotoyuki as if nothing happened before. And he was more carefree as well. It is like the marriage was truly something special.
You take a moment to excuse yourself for the restroom. You were almost hesitant to leave your husband's side but you couldn't hold out much longer. The line to the bathrooms was terrible but once you got inside, did what you needed, and got out, you felt ready to explore the festival some more.
You move back to the main street, yet you don't see Kotoyuki anywhere. You glance around but see no food stalls. Where could he have gone? Should you wait? You felt panic grip your body at the realization you were left alone. The one person you solely depend on now is gone. What would be said about you? About him? What if that fog starts to roll in and everything comes crashing down? What if he left you, despite all his promises?
You weren’t thinking rationally… or were you? What is real with Kotoyuki? You grip the side of your head and start to walk where you know the entrance is. Maybe he got lost and is simply waiting for you. Or maybe this is a test from his parents to see if you would return home.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
The answer is blaring but you won't ruminate on it. To admit it is to admit that you've been tricked and manipulated into what is supposed to be a happy life. What you think you have with Kotoyuki, private or not, may all just be manipulation. The careful reality you were trying so hard to build up and depend on could crumble away and leave you broken.
You get to the end of the street where you and your husband entered. It was almost dead, save for a few wanderers, whereas the festival was packed. Your breathing comes out in harsh breaths as you try so hard to take some semblance of control, even if it's for just a moment. You try really hard not to cry and to be brave.
You freeze when you hear a familiar, male voice behind you. You turn around stiffly and see a familiar face from your past. A friend from your childhood whose name you can’t place. But you recall feelings of platonic fondness for him before those feelings shift into ones of betrayal and pain.
“Wow, it's been so long.” He grins as he comes up to you but his face softens. “What's wrong? You seem upset.”
You're not sure what to do, so your brain goes on autopilot. “I'm fine. Just looking for someone. We got separated.”
“Oh, that's a shame. You're lost and alone like you were when you were a kid… but don't worry. I'm here.” He tsks softly and steps toward you. You freeze, unsure what to do as you battle your own mind in the midst of your panic.
“It's… It's okay. I will just wait for him here. I'm sure he is looking for me.”
“Him? Did you finally settle down?” He chuckles with mirth. There is a glint in his eye that makes your blood go cold. His arm raises and his hand is placed on your shoulder. You recoil from his touch but when you try to step back he doesn't let go. “I remember how you used to cling to me. Why are you trying to leave me again?”
His voice made you sick as memories slam into your head. Rough grasps, pain, hushed voices… All came from him.
He called your name again and his grip tightened, pulling you closer. “We had good times together, don’t you remember?” His free hand moves up to touch your face.
A dash of white crossed your vision and a splash of hot liquid splatters across your face. You hear near animalistic snarls and gargled sounds of pain. Slowly, you turn your head to the left and nearly vomit. Standing over that figure from your past is Kotoyuki, his body tense and rippling with energy that makes you blink twice. Thick, red liquid drips from his hand and claws.
“How dare filth like you touch what is mine.” Kotoyuki’s voice is no longer that sweet and smooth tone you are used to. Instead it is feral and akin to growls. His words weren’t soft but possessive, angry, and jealous. All qualities you haven’t seen from him.
The man tries to reply but nothing but wet noises of pain leave him. Your eyes briefly flicker to the ground and you see some sort of pink, fleshy lump at the feet of the man.
“Fox got your tongue?” Kotoyuki sneers before his foot kicks the man in the chest, keeping him down. “After all the harm you did… you think you can come back and touch what does not belong to you? Do you think you can recause all the pain you did?”
How does he know about something you barely remember?
It’s a fruitless question to ask anymore.
“No harm will come to what is mine. My love. My heart. They are all mine.” He snarls and you flinch your eyes close when he strikes the man again. The noises were awful but quick to end. You barely reopen your eyes and you cannot stop the whimper that escapes you at the visceral sight of the now bloody and torn corpse.
Kotoyuki instantly turns around to face you and right now you see the fox mask on his face. Blood is splattered all over his white clothes and his eyes are glowing. In a blink of an eye he is in front of you and unlike the other times you saw just flashes of the fox mask back on him, it still is there. It’s not vanishing and you fear the fog is going to roll back in.
“Shh… It is okay, my darling.” He coos softly, his bloody nails ghosting over your cheek without ever touching. He lets out a soft click of his tongue and brings up his sleeve, wiping away the blood that got on your face. “Do not fret. We will get you cleansed when we head back home. Everything is alright.”
“Kotoyuki…” You whimper his name, fear lacing your voice. You see him frown. Despite everything, you never expressed fear towards him. “You… You killed him.”
“I had to.” He is quick to respond, his voice unwavering and firm. “He had intended to harm you. He wanted to take you from me. My precious love.”
“But-”
“But nothing.” His hand cups your cheek and for the first time he kisses you deeply as if to silence you. The nose of his mask nudges your face. His hand moves to your jaw, gripping it slightly while his other grips your clothes. He is clinging to you as if you were about to disappear. He breaks the kiss but stays in your personal space. His breath is hot against your face as his eyes glowed that familiar golden hue beneath his mask. It still hasn’t disappeared. “What is mine was threatened by him and I do not share.”
His hand briefly tightens on your jaw. His eyes seemed to be glowing brighter as he scanned your face. Kotoyuki leans down for a moment and deeply inhales your scent, a rumble leaving his chest.
You can’t stop another whimper and that gets him to blink, clarity hitting him. He turns to caressing your jaw and trails his fingers down your neck. He swallows thickly before taking his other hand to close your eyes.
“Kotoyuki.”
“My apologies. I am a terrible husband.” He mutters softly. You grip one of his wrists, wanting him to stop obscuring your vision but he is firm and unyielding. “Of course you are frightened. That terrible man appeared and I wasn’t there in time to keep all… this from happening.”
Kotoyuki removes both hands from your person and steps back, giving you a deep bow out of apology. No longer was the fox mask on his face, nor was there blood on his hands; his claws gone as well. You blink and go to look at the body, but Kotoyuki takes your hand and pulls you into a hug.
“Please, forgive me. I cannot risk losing you.” He sounds almost to tears and your heart clenches. You squeeze your eyes shut and tentatively hug him back. You tell yourself this is manipulation… but when you feel him nuzzle the crook of your neck, his face wet from tears, you can’t help but give in. Reality does not seem clear, but this moment feels too real to be fake. Right?
“I forgive you, Kotoyuki.” You whisper just loud enough for him to hear. You hear a happy sound, although muffled, against your skin and he hugs you tighter.
“You are my life.” He murmurs, pulling away to kiss your forehead softly. He smiles at you with all the love in the world. That crazed and possessive look is completely gone. Once again the feeling of whiplash hits you as he leads you away from the scene and the festival, taking you back to the house. His grip on you is tight but he is murmuring soft apologies and words of endearment on the journey back home.
Your feet are unsteady but he stays stable for you. Despite your reality never being stable anymore, at least Kotoyuki provides something for you to cling on to, albeit he is still something turbulent but consistent. It is likely on purpose, keeping you in a state where you needed him. But for now, it’s a comfort you need.
That night you had a nightmare. You recall bits and pieces of it. The man from earlier is prominent in them. Some scenes are of what to be simple moments of walking together to school, or sharing lunch. But they took a darker turn. You feel harsh hands grip your throat, pain in various places. You see an evil grin on the man’s face and you recall a moment of puking.
Your name is chanted over and over again until your eyes snap open and Kotoyuki is staring down at you in concern.
“You’re crying. What’s wrong?” He asks softly. His hand, much softer than the one in your dreams, frames your face while the pad of his thumb swipes away the hot tears. “You haven’t had a nightmare in days.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize, my love. Tell me what happened.”
“Just… memories coming back to me. They were all that man from earlier.” You bring up your own hand to swipe under your jaw and neck where tears trailed down.
“That man is in your dreams?” You hear a slight growl in his voice and you are surprised to see that possessive, jealous look back in his eyes. You feel him move his hands under your arms and next thing you know you are draped over his body. One of his arms wraps over your lower back while his other hand caresses up and down your spine.
You freeze at the position, never having slept like this with him before, but the soft hum makes you relax almost instantly.
“Listen to my heartbeat. Smell my scent. Think of only me before you sleep.” He whispers to you. “I will protect you in your dreams. Just let me in. Let me help you.”
You weren’t sure what it was, but when he resumes his humming of that tune, you are lulled back to sleep. You see the man again in your dreams, but you see Kotoyuki too, his face mask on as he slaughters the man.
This time, you stay asleep and find yourself oddly comforted by the sight.
“she was very old, though she did not know it, and she was no longer the careless color of sea foam but rather the color of snow falling on a moonlit night. “
