I Refuse To Give Up My Popular Recipe Blog Just Because I'm In The Witness Protection Program
Hello again, readers! Thanks for all of your emails regarding last week’s recipes. So many good questions from you all about measurement conversions, substituting almond milk for soy, and local landmarks that might help you identify my approximate location. As always, I am not going to answer any of them, because I don’t owe you people shit!
Well, I do owe you one thing, and that’s my [REDACTED] [REDACTED]’s stew recipe. It’s a dish that the many or few members of my family have enjoyed on many a non-specific occasion. When we were together, when we were happy and young.
I don’t eat it often anymore.
Anyway. Like with any recipe, you need to start by purchasing top-quality ingredients. You’ll need a good mirepoix to get things cooking. I like to buy mine at a shopping center in a metropolitan area. I may drive a long way to reach the store, or it may be right next to my house. Who can say? You don’t have to limit yourself to a simple veggie mix, though! I enjoy this recipe because it’s flexible. It can be easily tailored to any taste and it’s a good way to use the produce you already have on hand. I use up my staples and then garnish it with whatever vegetables are in season in the area where I currently live. On Saturday mornings I’ll go to my local farm stand and buy–
Nope! Not this time! Oh, you think you’re so clever, don’t you Sal? But it’s too late for you. I know where the bodies are buried, and I’m not taking the fall. I know where she is, you son of a bitch! You’re going down!
Anyway, you can also throw some ham in there. If you want to. Everyone dies and everything ends, so who gives a shit.
Once you have all your ingredients in a pot, it’s time to cook! You’ll want to add some butter and a couple of cups of chicken broth. Set it on a burner and leave it at medium-high heat until it’s simmering. Before you do that, maybe check the back of the stove. Give it a good, long stare. Was that tube always there? Was it always red? Did that valve handle move away from the pencil mark you made on the wall last week? Do you really need to be cooking at all?
Oh fuck, did you hear that?
Nothing. It was nothing. Anyway, let the soup simmer away for a good 30 minutes or so. Don’t let it distract you or anything. Just keep an eye on it.
Seriously, there’s that noise again. It sounds like…scraping. Like metal on glass. Do you think that could be a silencer?
FUCK YOU, SAL! NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER! I’M ARMED TO THE TEETH AND I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE! COME AT ME!
Okay. It was just the mailman. I forgot my Amazon Pantry order was coming today. I’m sorry, Antoine! It looks like it’ll heal up fine. Maybe put some ice on it.
Just relax now. Breathe in and out, nice and easy. You’ll know your soup is nearly ready when the aroma spreads through your nondescript apartment, far from prying eyes. Mmm, smell that soup! The scent of the cooked meat always sends me back. Cookouts on the beach, camping out with the family, that afternoon on the houseboat…the sunshine, the little paper umbrellas on the cocktails…the explosions, the screams…
Garnish with parsley and freshly ground pepper. Serves 2 to 4. Eat it slowly. Savor it. Each day is a gift.
[REDACTED] [REDACTED]’S HOMEMADE STEW
[REDACTED] ham (optional)
germansingergirl
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