Go Drink Some Prune Juice And Let The Shit Go

They said I could be anything I wanted when I grew up, so I became socially awkward. Doot Doot, motherfucker.

[theshitneyspears]

I want to SPANK THAT ASS

[pochowek]

[weeb-potato]

[lum1natrix]

[heyarigrande]

Ariana Grande Sings Bad News to Employees

[totalariana]

remember when Ari made the word crotch sound angelic 

[lesbiankeiraknightley-deactivat]

Her enunciation was really good in this video.

[prasejeebus]

“Pack your shit and leave” I am a stan for life

[amazoogle]

yes. all

[punkconcert]

John Mulaney, a true ADHD icon

[somewhat-honest-abe]

I love how he gave this bit at an autism benefit because it is also a heavy Autism Mood™

[gh0sthoodie]

This is the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen.

[untitled4022]

Omg

[stability]

[diet-soda]

bless Scottish twitter

[quinepeather]

ya fuckin space slice

[yamino]

[wizardjpeg]

oh i am so genius

[wizardjpeg]

instead of purchase one sandwich i can purchase the materials (bread, soap, etc) and make more than one sandwich

[science]

[1000125]

sometimes i just sit and think about ways a genie can grant wishes.

[drinkyourjuiceshelby]

[ausimilation]

K. But I’m crying

[lalarari]

[pinkpotion]

[theshitneyspears]

LOOK AT HOW HAPPY HE IS

THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY INSIDE

[glumshoe]

My mother’s guests’ son showed up wearing high-waisted black tights, a crop top, and body glitter. I have been desperately searching through my closet for my “GAY” NASA shirt because I do not wish to be so grandiosely out-gayed in my own home.

[needsyourbrains-deactivated2019]

Did you out-gay him, son?

[glumshoe]

No. I can’t find my shirt!!!! This calls for desperate measures… time to break out the unseasonably warm Denim Jacket With Rainbows Pouring From The Nipples and High-Waisted Jeans.

It’s 8 PM and I wanted to change into my Data Star Trek Pajamas but those aren’t gay enough.

[glumshoe]

God dammit! Now he’s playing some kind of bubbly Carly Rae Whatshername pop. What do I do??? How do I relaliate….? Is Janelle Monae enough to save me? Joan Jett? Lads, I don’t think I’m gonna win this one.

[glumshoe]

Update: his mom inadvertently tipped the scale a little in my favor by saying, “Oh, nice jacket! Jake, come look at this jacket, you’ll love it!” and then I got to explain that I painted it myself:

I don’t think Janelle Monae helped much because the only songs of hers I have downloaded onto my phone are the ones about robots. I know robots are gay culture and all, but does he know that???

But then he pulled ahead of me by striking a pose in my dining room and I swear to god, his thigh muscles rippled like Glittery Gay Gaston. Ugh.

[glumshoe]

SCORE!!!! I switched to playing MIKA and moonwalked aggressively down the hallway and his own grandmother stepped out of the bathroom and said, “Oh, I thought you were Jake!”

Clearly she mistook my powerful gay energies for his, because we could not look more different.

[glumshoe]

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Time to Sit In A Chair Funny.

[glumshoe]

You know what?

He wins. He’s out here living his best life while I gave up using dating apps because I wanted to divert my emotional energy into making YouTube skits about noir detectives who eat cigarettes. 

Like ABBA said, the winner takes it all. I guess that means I’m straight now.