Malana's Soapbox

Daughter. Sister. Aunt. Educator. Doctoral Learner. Lover. Humanitarian. Whovian. Fangirl. Bitch. --Changing the world one day at a time.

[lanamay1980]

How many days has it been since I tested positive? How many days since I tested negative? Today I'm struggling and so I'm writing this post this post for my future self and friends both near and far. COVID. IS. A. FUCKER. There I've said it. My immune-compromised-generally-acting-as-if-I'm-normal self, is at a loss for words. #stickaforkinme #hypertension #diabetic #endometriosis #chronicfatigue #anemicproblems I thought I had my anemia and chronic fatigue under control. It was, in fact, under control up until November 11th. It's not anymore and I'm tired. So very tired. My fatigue is fatigued and I'm generally a dud. Just know that I wake up with the best of intentions. My hypertension is doing wonky things too. Huzzah! It too was in alignment preCOVID as well. Somewhere around day 6-8 my heart started doing this irregular beating thing-- tachycardia. It didn't stop. No worries, nothing medicine can't fix and an EKG just to make sure I'm okay. I'm still coughing. But, why? If only I knew. The more I do, the more I cough. My immune system is in overdrive and out of my doctor's need to try to best support me I'm indulging her by taking more antibiotics to help my body along. Brain fog is a thing. My notes have notes and I still forget things. Sometimes spacing out completely. My tastebuds are back but different and I can't decide if that's good or bad. Sweet is *VERY* sweet. The general consensus is that my body is still recovering from COVID and COVID messed with random things in my body from multiple body systems. I tested negative 18 days ago, I had hoped this would be over and I'd be onto some other Malana adventure. Not today. This is the #longhaul and I'm annoyed and anxious over it. If you know me or have worked with me, you know that I just keep going. I don't dwell on being sick. I don't have time for that. However, this is forcing me to stop and it isn't my choice. I don't like it!!!! I'm grateful for everyone who has been sources of support since this thing first hit with zero judgments and just an ear to listen. I know I'm not dead. You guys remind me of that fact. So, for now I keep trying my best because it's all I've got. https://www.instagram.com/p/CI36cCcBTNgPVJPzsbs5KEGWXZ748I1RIhTXt40/?igshid=1i72w8sllfub6

[lanamay1980]

Okay so I finally tasted the cake! It's lemon flavored and absolutely delightful. I took better photos this morning because Sydney ombre'd the frosting and I didn't notice til after cutting into it. https://www.instagram.com/p/CIGpNhkB07vqMjTPZk21UzsvIxo5QOWZ5e4_ig0/?igshid=gg6xpsel9nrq

[lanamay1980]

We almost had a bit of a meltdown today after the cake was too warm when Sydney went to frost it. Luckily, I watch @howtocookthat and stayed very calm and said we just need to let everything cool. It's gonna be okay! Sydney is now piping the frosting on this beauty and I must admit I'm impressed. #momlife #fostermomlife #mykidisawesome https://www.instagram.com/p/CIE8610BAJEdsxHY-UwLYwNt3dx-nX4ld9-hww0/?igshid=d0gl6uayjrpj

[lanamay1980]

#COVID #DAY7 #UPDATE I took this screen shot while my Mom was talking me through a coughing fit telling me to breathe, that I was going to be okay, and that I need every Philippina's go to health aide Vick's Vapor Rub. Yep! Mom went there. Coughing is still a thing and I was optimistic this morning. I showered and was feeling decent. Not 100% but then I started coughing again. And again. And again. Two steps forward sometimes feels like 5 steps back. I hear the cough is the worst and really this cough is awful. This virus is a novel virus. It has effected my ability to focus and my fatigue is always fatigued, which generally sucks. The *BEST* way to prevent long term effects of covid is to *NOT* contract covid in the first place. Thanksgiving is next week and I've much to be grateful for. Missing out on mass consumption of turkey doesn't change my gratitude. I worry about all those who are still planning on proceeding as normal next week. I know 2020 has sucked but skipping one year isn't going to kill you. #TheRona might. Thank you for following me on this journey. Thank you for all the well wishes and kindnesses for me and now Sydney. She has made me promise to go to the hospital if need be, but I'm a trooper and even with tiny set backs I'm going to overcome this. https://www.instagram.com/p/CHwIaTYBtf_WGmOQbX6YHOOhjQNp6Fmv_k-3ag0/?igshid=euet4ljxz8e2

[lanamay1980]

#COVID #Day6 update and a view of my kitchen from my bed. Well, it's been a long day. Between Sydney coming down with symptoms and needing to go to the ER herself and my continued #nausea we're quite the pair. I'm typically very good about self regulation when it comes to all the things--pain, blood sugar, etc... :::cue Depeche Mode's 'Shake the Disease'::: Well, with COVID it is like you are a spinning a top and you really don't know what you're gonna get or where you'll land each day until you are already knee deep in it and you're not sure what to do. Ironically enough my pancreas just decided to start working in the midst of this. Low blood sugars are a beast to manage effectively though and now my caveat will be is going to happen when everything is back to normal? Will my pancreas keep working? Is my body playing a game with me? I'm in sensory overload and I have things to do and if my body could just pull itself together that'd be terrific. For those of you who haven't gotten #theRona know that you don't want it and I highly recommend doing everything in your power not to get it. #socialdistance #properlywearadamnmask #weara faceshieldtoo It doesn't give a single fuck if you're healthy. Doesn't care what's in your bank account or the car you drive. It. Does. Not. Care. This beast is gonna do what it wants to do and has been wreaking havoc even on the healthiest and strongest of people and taking lives as it goes. https://www.instagram.com/p/CHuIOVmhakdYowJH2xRGVDBmldK9r_mDpaK8zY0/?igshid=bevqexjdnrhw

[lanamay1980]

This is my #COVID #day5 #update and you lovely people get to see my feet. Also, I didn't die yesterday. I had thought it was a wrap for me and that I was for sure tapping out. Today I feel... different. Not good or bad. I'm existing. Thanks to some tips from my lovelies I'm still here to share my #covidexperience I'm still coughing, winded, fatigued, can't smell or taste, and nauseous. That was a new symptom that manifested yesterday--the nausea. I don't recommend that at all. I've been having a weird thing happen where my feet and the palms of my hands are sweaty. Hence the foot picture. Both are weird because they don't do this normally. I've been meditating and practicing deep breathing exercises. I'm still taking all my vitamins and supplements. I'm grateful for my family and friend's who are helping me to not go crazy. I'm SO grateful for everyone. Thank you! It goes without saying that I'm new at this mom business and I massively failed because Sydney's birthday gift (which was supposed to arrive today) is somehow arriving 3 days late on Wednesday, but Sydney has been quite the trooper amidst all of this and today is her birthday. So for today, despite the 'Rona, let's wish Syndey the happiest of birthday's! https://www.instagram.com/p/CHq1RbeBSGON7JKWE9lL2CeF3UbKQihOJ3PK200/?igshid=icbuji5qv8wi

[lanamay1980]

#COVID #Day4: A view from my bed. I've been sharing my daily experiences because I'm certain I have people who follow me that don't think this is real. It's sandwiched somewhere between fake news and just being a really bad cold when over 250,000 lives have been lost. There are those who think I'll just get better really fast in the alloted covid responsible duration of time not realizing how insensitive that is to me and the preexisting risk factors pertaining to my health that have caused me to take extra everything daily due to being generally deficient in all the things. If I had gotten this around this time last year I'm certain I would've been added to the list of approximare deaths above. Things I take daily just to keep myself alive: Blood Builder, liquid iron, sublingual B12, B complex, two different probiotics, Wellness Formula, Multivitamin for Women, Prenatal Vitamin, Vitamin C, 40,000 units of D3 weekly, omega3's, and I'm certain I'm missing something because there's probably something my deficient ass has forgotten. This morning I legit feel that dying might be easier than surviving this thing. There. I've said it. Everything hurts. Even between my toes hurts. My joints hurt, my muscles hurt, it hurts to breath cough, sneeze, use the toilet, and swallow. On the plus side I got 6 hours of sleep last night where I, by sheer will, the grace of God, or all the #Reiki being sent to me didn't cough or at least was too tired to acknowledge or care that I was coughing. My blood sugar stabilized to a much normal level this morning but for the past 2 days I've eaten so many carbs only to still have my blood sugar running lower than normal. If you're a diabetic you know that can be scary. Balance is everything and I feel like I don't know what that is anymore. Death seems easier in this moment. There. I've said it. Living right now is a 1,000 times easier. Especially when I want to cry whenever I move but can't because I'll start to cough again. Then I wonder what the lasting effects of this beast will be on my body and I get even more distraught. I'm trying. I'm tired. My sense of humor remains intact... at least. https://www.instagram.com/p/CHnXlUAB_CmyEA1Hhfpkb5hFJa4FEUKHN4phR40/?igshid=1kmljawoaaf3o

[lanamay1980]

#COVID #day3 It hurts to cough. I cough when I talk or move or move some more. I did however get into the shower today, slather myself in eucalyptus eo and change my bedding. Does it help? I don't know I can't smell or taste anything at the moment but the soup my Sydney made me I could actually taste for a second. #garlic Now, if my pillows could be done now that'd be fantasic. On a positive note others who I know have had this say #day6 is where you start feeling normal again. I can only hope it affects me as such but I can't be sure of anything at the moment. Covid dreams are a thing and they are freaking weird. I deleted and reposted because my sick self did link to my other accounts. https://www.instagram.com/p/CHlrZ-1hBeiLvtBrkkMspLJmsNLsaZ7Kx4RU3Y0/?igshid=97qpu5m324n2

[lanamay1980]

The view from my bed brought to you by #2020 #theyearthatsucks Sadly, my COVID test was positive this week. I immediately self-quarantined after a persistent cough arose but recieving the positive results after I know I've been doing all the things to avoid getting sick sucks even more. My joints ache worse than normal. Every. Single. Joint. Thanks to my #chronicfatigue I'm winded just walking to the bathroom. Then there's this darn cough that sometimes feels better and other times doesn't. Sitting upright in bed helps. My appetite is sometimes non-existent but I force myself to eat because of this gals #diabeticlife This is officially my day 2. https://www.instagram.com/p/CHiYX6FhYQnTjXHlPcBRZMsGvd0_Tu3Bco6aD80/?igshid=oac0jwyzs32g

[lanamay1980]

Throwback to that time Freddy tried to grab my ass. Also, on this date in 1984, A Nightmare on Elm Street was released. Also-also, I miss conventions and my convention family. #letmeknowwhencovidisover #missingmyconventionfamily https://www.instagram.com/p/CHYmaKlhiLxlA1iB_SMWQKo1OoeBybkSmJnnU00/?igshid=atdtfv0007iu

[lanamay1980]

Sydney worked so hard this week on Max's Halloween costume I had to share! Isn't it great!? #pennywise #redballoon #it #fostermomlife #momlife https://www.instagram.com/p/CHBk8i7BKRS1_sArfpfaQkpeXNdhO3xtEaRiSc0/?igshid=1voaoyw3l0nou

[lanamay1980]

I'm really feeling this painting that I've been working on with my individuals, among all the other things we accomplish in a day! *You can always tell who the strong women are. They are the ones you see building each other up. Instead of tearing each other down.* I don't know what made me choose this quote but we all could use some daily reminders on how we can uplift each other up and just be kind to one another. While I know the painting is about women, I'm including the gents too because I have been in awe of those in my personal community who have stepped up to listen to me through my tiredness, checked in on me to see how I'm doing, the ones who showed up with things to help my little family, and everything in between. I'm legit in awe and grateful beyond words! These amazing ladies and gents know who they are 😉 (I hope) and have been super supportive and non-judgmental during all the things! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! If the rest of the world were like each of you and just built each other up the world would be a much different place. 💗 https://www.instagram.com/p/CG3HqKxByL9NrbaOUrxTydYyaz-9WZMQEZQrco0/?igshid=1ma0p41218szi

[lanamay1980]

My little family's gender reveal! I'm so excited to meet Baby Zen! 💙💙💙💙💙💙 https://www.instagram.com/p/CGur15rBjPTJL_PwGlu8F5XjPA6hLFGSzdQ8n80/?igshid=1gj0nj81ldg5b

[lanamay1980]

I've been asked many times over if I know what gender Sydney's baby is yet. I don't but tomorrow morning she has her ultrasound where hopefully we'll find out. I keep thinking she is having a girl but the sometimes I think it's a boy. Anyone want to guess with me!? 💗💙💗💙💗💙 https://www.instagram.com/p/CGtYK4UB0dOf31en9QPg9_s0MgDw2QNDn0-mVI0/?igshid=9d2tvqrrjw5p

[lanamay1980]

In today's episode of #momlife #fostermomlife I exited the shower this morning to find that a certain someone packed my lunch for me. ❤ The bag was sitting on the stove and before I could ask what it was Syd was beaming with an ear to ear grin. She excitedly and very proudly exclaimed, "I packed your lunch for you, it's like what you normally take for lunch only fancier, because there's a surprise in it. You can't open it till lunchtime though." The surprise was #fundip which reminds me of being a kid and camping with my cousins Paula and @jody_jods to the local general store to get snacks snacks. There was even a freezer pack in the bag. Also, if you haven't tried #CleanEatz #CleanEatzKitchen might I recommend their #BOOMBOOMCHICKEN it's a #keto meal with chicken in a creamy zesty sauce with bacon over cauliflower rice mac and cheese. I suppose the Fun Dip negates all the healthy from my meal but it's the thought that counts, right? https://www.instagram.com/p/CGVTbjQJywh9hWHgGzpTlA_DHY18PEkpQ_Xj9U0/?igshid=szamvikfumup

[lanamay1980]

*Warning: long post ahead* For those of you who didn't know, I've been providing respite care to a foster parent of a youth in care for the last couple of months. On Saturday morning I recieved a call from this youth's case worker asking me to be a permanent placement for her. This wasn't the first time I'd been asked. This wasn't even the second or third time. I had a great deal to process with my closest friend's, family, and even my beloved. A few weeks after thoughtful meditation and massive prayers, I told the divine that if living with me is the *BEST possible outcome* for this youth and I was asked again, I wouldn't refuse. Saturday morning I was asked again while on my way to pick her up for a visit, only this time I didn't say "No" to the case worker. I never wanted to be a single parent, let alone a single foster parent, but here I am a ball of absolute nervousness and excitement at the opportunity to parent and ultimately #mom this amazing young woman. She moves in on Thursday but this evening she learned of the move and after recieving 20 messages in a row from her full of excitement, I'm ready to let everyone know. Hi, I'm a foster mom--in my mind, the word *foster* is semantics. In the world I grew up in and in my heart #familyisforever and extends past her emancipation. I'm hopeful this placement will provide her with the permanecy she needs as she prepares for her baby to be born which is due between February 25th and March 1st. She will find out in the next couple of weeks the gender of the baby. Just call me #MaMalana for now. There are approximately 400,000 youth in foster care in the United States. 18,000 of those youth are in Illinois. 1 foster home can make a difference not just in your life but in the life of the youth you choose to foster. This is about to be one wild ride and I'm so excited for every bit of it! #bethechangeyouwishtoseeintheworld https://www.instagram.com/p/CFvabXRplYsCtj_PFD-BQw2KY3YS765d8vzMcY0/?igshid=1tykjimj03n9z

[lanamay1980]

Malana and the no-good-terrible-very-bad-day goes a little something like this. I get in my car and see a crack going across my windshield. I don't recall a rock hitting it. Nor was the crack present when I left my vehicle this morning. https://www.instagram.com/p/CFK6mPfh0DsR81aA1DsCdcps6SfIMvPblz160I0/?igshid=9e1amet594mp