I feel horrible. I've been awake, texting everyone I care about because I'm panicked, grieving and I feel so alone. Nobody is awake over here, and most of my friends have babies or toddlers, who can I call in the middle of the night?
It's a time when I need people the most.
I can't handle the combination of this grief, the heaviness of my job, as well as being so lonely. It's too much.
I saw my ex a lot lately. He was at the funeral. And I felt so vulnerable around him. I had missed him so much. My first instinct was to text him, when I got that phone call. I didn't, because I try to put distance between us, knowing how much it hurts me to hear he's moving on. But I've still been seeing him more, by accident, at a time when I'm in so much pain, seeing someone who once meant the world, who would've taken me into his arms and comforted me, to whom I would've been able to talk to about the loss of this person.
Then he told me he has a girlfriend. And my world shattered. It makes me physically sick.
How is that possible? So soon? When I'm still stuck in the same place. How can he share that part of himself with someone else?
I try to date. I try to be sociable and open but it's so difficult to find a single man that fits me, that I feel at ease with, that has the sensitivity and depth that I so need in any relationship.
I didn't for 29 years. Why would I now, four years later?
I have been lonely for so long. To be with him was the best I've ever felt.
But 3 years now feels so short compared to the weight of those 29+1 years.
It's hard to keep my hopes up.
I really would rather give up trying.
dailybridgerton
2087
jacobvanloon
dededos
theartofmadeline
origamiaround
