Laura Kuki

https://t.me/laurassence

[lauracoretypologies]

Art as an emotional prostitution in the domain of P3.

Because P3 doesn’t want to admit who they are in the darkest places of their being, they exploit and monetize this painful part of themselves in order to perform for the gaze of another’s eyes as someone skilled, artistic, *intentional* (hence the Ichazo’s domain of arts in P3). This is how they sell themselves away, controlled by gaze and desires of another. What’s "ugly" they turn, or make look artistic, undesired into lusted after, so that it can be sold as something positive, ideal, and perfect. This gives them the external reassurance that this is indeed how they are.

They sell their ugliest parts, *not only* to deny the fear they have of these parts sabotaging them when it comes to acquiring unconditional love (eg. failing by default, based on who they innately are) and to therefore have a reassured self-image, but *also because* the skill of attracting, convincing, influencing, or hypnotizing another eyes to pay attention to them that is of praise or admiration in result is a matter of not what you sell but *how you sell it.* Art is in the skill, not in talent. It’s of a greater value to be validated in what you’ve succeeded in, not in what you’ve won at birth.

And if they see that someone falls for their, weakest, "hideous" parts of who they are, they experience the idea of "unconditional" love, which is only a matter of illusion, and not truly unconditional either, since in their subconscious mind, it’s because they *managed* to twist ugly into beautiful, and eventually deceived the other person into thinking this is what they really are. I say what, not who, because they objectify themselves through their traits of efficiency at acquiring attention into doings, not simply living as beings.

Not to mention, if they were to admit someone else fell not for their maximized, twisted version of their shadow but for the shadow itself, that would in itself defy their ability to present themselves as effectively as they can.

Slowly, they sell out piece of themselves to others. The better they sell out their behavior labeled as their innate state, the more they will reassure not primarily their own idea of who they are but other people’s idea of who they should be. This is how they master succeeding being quintessential to whatever criteria they’re expected to meet. If not meeting those results in disappointment on the other side, the disappointment becomes mutual.

After all, love of another objectively matters more than their own. Despite how much they may love themselves, it will never be enough to compare to the validation the external source of love comes with. They live through the eyes of another, especially their chosen ones.

And because they don’t want to be touched by the gaze of the one who is not automatically driven to admire and desire their beauty, intellect, skills, and emotion, they sell themselves to a better target - eyes that supply them with a gaze, a person that provides them with no limit or condition.

A person, who unlike the former doesn’t see them as shameful, deficient, unvaluable, in their self-proclaimed weakness or gaps to be fixed, but considers such "flaws" as unique, adorable quirks. They want to master their world, ideals, fantasies, to shine in their eyes and soul above all, not to compete with the rest. They want to be a choice, not an option. They’re afraid of being a mere option even after being already chosen.

All of this becomes ironic to them when they realize that the love they wanted to earn unconditionally, by who they are, something as humble and pure as appreciation and desire for how they look, not just how they appear, and for who they are, not just for what they do, they end up desperately trying to acquire by conquering the condition it takes to satify external expectations, even of those people that aren’t close to them.

To them, regardless of how ambitious (even if on the basis of external applause) they are, they end up forgeting these goals of theirs. And so in the name of other’s gaze they’ve lost in their own eyes. It’s not their own goal of achieving love they fought for, it’s to be proven loveable at all.

Other’s feelings about them matter more than their own feelings of themselves. They feel through another’s tear, see through another’s eyes, live through another’s experience. This is not just a metaphor, this is a lifestyle, so ingrained that even if they say they hate themselves, they truly can’t. They only hate the fact their chosen audience hates them, or simply doesn’t like them the most of all.

I think it’s needless to say the way they exploit themselves, in the way of emotional nudity, isn’t exactly financial. What they’re buying is attention, addicted and hypnotized one at that - a gaze, by selling a piece of themselves to another cosplaying as something the other wants to see, an image and object of emotional satisfaction, not a being that isn’t always moldable and may refuse to comply with one’s wishes, because at the end of the day, that’s what it takes to have an illusion of love - to sell a peace of yourself immeasurable in value all because you cannot see the value in yourself.

"What’s the point of your gaze molesting someone’s flesh, if its beauty you can’t admire as much as their soul? You’ll use them without even being infatuated with them, discard them instead of consuming them, push them away rather than merging with them,"

Laura.

[lauracoretypologies]

The societal SX-shaming - destigmatizing the vocalization of one's rawest desires

(The influence of social mirage on the collective superego of SX-blind folks)

One thing that has been bothering me for probably a longer time than I've realized is the stigmatization of the most primal, raw instinctual desires and needs by our society, in the name of "calling out toxic standards imposed by people like you (read, people in touch with their desires)."

In reality, this is mere pretense, made to camouflage how SX-blind folks are unable to get in touch with their sense of attraction and disgust enough to select their choices for themselves. When they see a person, mainly SX first or second, making selections solely on what attracts and repulses them, they often resort to discriminating against them by saying their personal standards and preferences are toxic, irrelevant or unhealthy.

And of course, it's easier for them to do that, in the name of social or political acceptance (see the SO and SP nature mixed in that, by the way?) than to admit to themselves, that they themselves have a sense of attractive and repulsive, but buried so deep down out of being socially correct and guilty, that they can't help but to moralize their sensual incompetence and label themselves as the proper SJWs.

In many SX-blinds, this tendency is so pathological that while they're okay seeing people making romantic selections based on "compatibility" and "values", the very same selection becomes toxic out of nowhere, once motivated by a sense of attraction and repulsion.

Not to mention the irrelevance and fallacies in their arguments. They confuse personal selection even for the most intimate relations for imposing toxic standards upon society, even if by not acting in a hypocritical manner, you're doing the exact opposite by being fair, justful, and *practicing your personal freedom's* to do so. After all, what they see is that you rejecting a certain trait somehow equals telling people to abide by your standards, even though you're simply choosing people who fit it and letting those who don't live as they are.

It's like a brunette crying that a man wants to date blonde and resorts to accusing him of imposing the standard of bleaching hair onto her. It's like nerds refusing to date brainless people so they accuse them of elitism. It's like experienced men whining that a physically pure woman is repulsed by a non-virgin man, intimately marked by someone else prior to her and accusing her of imposing purity standards onto him, as if purity can be regained by any effort. *Diabolical laughter*

But to them, this bigotry of demonizing decisions made based on repulsion/attraction principle is a way to cope with the fact that certain preferences unselect them. They're the ones suffering consequences of making decisions against their disgust and then paying with a breakup for it. Secretly, and often subconsciously, they envy SX types that they're able to make successful decisions based on desires and turn-offs, and it mirrors their inability to do so when they experience such envy.

They project their values and *options* onto others and the moment someone has standards that go beyond what they are, they feel inevitably discriminated against. Nevermind that you value them on a social level and simply disregard them romantically, as for them they don't see when it's romantic and when it's not. How dare you, (insert a name for either sexist, ageist, or whatever label they find for your ways).

And it's exactly this SX-blind confusion and type of thinking which develops these toxic standards. Because only a person who is capable of acting upon an entirely random person's desires and translate it into receiving basic human respect in the name of being socially respected and is exploiting their desire IS setting a societal norm out of nothing but the consumerist SP idea that you can get resources in return of living to someone's sexual ideals, or that somehow you can't financially survive without being everyone's type.

Of course, this goes both ways. There are also SX-blinds, who confuse their own desires for who is worthy of their basic respect and who is not, so they assume SX firsts are the same type of evil who do it openly. Whoops...

It's a very messed-up thinking, when in reality, no person will judge your societal worth based on *one's own personal* desire, disgust, demand or preference. You can be sexually unthinkable to someone and they can still respect you as a human. I wonder if these people either sexualize their moms, or think they're invaluable because they can't get intimately involved with them. *Smirk*

At the end of the day, they're nothing but fallen victims of their own system they complain so much about. SX types are the ones who recognize the subjectivity of attraction and repulsion and don't sell their icks as an objective moral failure, but it's the SX-blinds that IMPOSE what's acceptable to desire or what isn't. In other words, they *are* the toxic standard.

[lauracoretypologies]

The exclusivity of 1F and resentment 3V.

How do I even open this topic...

Nevermind, let me be a total honest bitch today. I’m going to describe the physical exclusivity of 1F today.

Being 1F with an 3V type is quite an interesting experience to have. The sensualism, artistic touch to one’s reality, aesthetic pickiness, possesiveness, having to have everything you desire.

It was weird for me in particular. Not only weird. Isolating. Never understood, never resonated with. My life experience was constantly about being judged, shamed, criticized, and what not. I’ve got harassed twice as a 5 year old and it still felt like my fault. Everything feels shameful. My whole existence is deficient. I look into a mirror and wonder "why me?" It all feels like my fault. The fact I was forced to be born, the fact that everything I do feels like a fucking chore, even joy is purely performative. Every single time I do something I end up wondering if I’m only doing it for the appeal of eyes.

Not to mention, everything nauseates me, and rightfully so. Typical (or maybe not-so-much typical?) bisexual experience. Men disgust me with their lack of ultimate physical/virginal purity, women scare me with their predatory and animalistic tendencies. On the other hand, the exact opposite vehemently turns me on. Would it bother me? No. But people antagonize and fail to tolerate any of my boundaries, preferences and choices. And myself? I wonder if I’m real at all.

Approaching world with fear and disgust, paranoia and anger, I resort to creepypastas cuddling me at midnight when someone disturbs me emotionally. It’s tough to relate to everyone. Even if I find someone like myself, who fulfills my ideals of respect and purity, there is a missing piece in my way of doing things. I lose motivation to talk, interact, I forget the existence of another person. Having to carry small tasks is like having to do your math homework without resorting to crying due to failure.

Can I help it? I cannot even maintain conversations with myself! The best I can do is tell myself what to change, where to not act, where to improve, and where to pretend I don’t exist at all. I feel like a cursed embodiment of the biggest flaw alive, and when I look around myself, everyone has it better. Even the bug has a symmetrical face! Me, born with hemifacial microsomia, hypoplasia, knock knees, and shitton of mental problems, including OCD and BPD, whispering to my left ear to end myself in abyss, to overcome my own life, to finally feel a light pinch of relief from the harshness of my subjective reality. After a decade-long bullying, experiencing nothing but resentment and uncertainty, getting eaten alive by my intrusive thoughts and emotions, giving myself concussion in the head, simulating the worst act of violence skin on skin, watching my intrusive, self-mutilating thoughts, listening to my inner critique constantly alarming my every step I take, witnessing ghosts, antagonizing every single of my desire, being lonely from day 1, misunderstood from day 2 and abandoned from day 3, overdosed on medication, self-harmed on almost all levels possible and neglected in every layer of existence, and experiencing psychosis that lowered my intelligence so badly I turned into a zombie.

When they say it’s only a phase that gets better by age, prepare yourself for worse. It’s nothing but a sarcastic understatement of where your life is headed, no matter how hard you try to pull yourself out of the path. The best I can do after years of faking happiness, living numb, forcing myself into improvement, telling to myself this is only in my head, is pospone my emotional outbursts and release them when it suits me, and hold them in when it does not, abuse my pain for artistic purposes and have enough self-control to not physically hurt anyone by closing myself in my room out of reach of any sharp objects.

I’m not happy, because I don’t deserve it. A monster like me doesn’t ever deserve to be alive. Day to day I wait for my own death, my own accomplishment of surviving my life till its very end. I visualize how I load on the gun and shoot my head without overthinking. All my thoughts dissolve out of my head through the bloody hole of despair.

In fact it’s not even that I think I’m evil, but all the irrational, subjectively biased people labelling me as such, instead of just shutting the fuck up.

Living the experience of 1F3V is not for the weak,

Laura.

[lauracoretypologies]

Being a 4E means people will accuse you of pessimism. Especially if your 4th emotion is of 1st subtype. That only makes your emotion position double result/outcome-oriented. How does this relate?

Well, not only just like 1E has their own sense of emotional identity, the 1 subtype of 4E takes on the trait of this adjacent. They feel enough concern for their emotionality to be preoccupied by it. However, here is a clear difference between 1E and 4E-1. 1E looks for their emotionality as the core concern, while the latter simply considers their emotionality enough to neither be bothered not understimulated by it. This type of attitude results in the unique behavior of fixating on their negative emotion solely to resolve the pain that gets in their way of functioning while entirely disregarding the positive emotion from being their priority.

The whole idea of this attitude for 4E-1 is, "Why mention the good, if there is the bad to resolve?" And here clearly, the double result-oriented nature starts showing. It’s the people who refuse to consume pointless artistic expressions, and what makes it pointless for them is that they couldn’t utilize the idea into creating something themselves. Likewise, these people also refuse to create subjective emotional biases, as to them they serve nothing but an unnecessary filter of heart to reality, which distorts it from being seen clearly by their eyes.

Because of being this selective in their self-expressions, they only use their heart to express what is of an outcome, benefit, result, or mainly - creation. Yet, because it is still an emotional function, its focus on result is the result of a pleasant emotion. Everything turns around making their life more pleasant, euphoric, vivid, lively, intense. In other words, they mention the bad to resolve it into experiencing the good, and believe that being ignorant to negativity will only expand its effect in the long run.

So please, don’t blame us for the additional "pessimism." It is only in our nature to resolve a lack of functionality into satisfaction, and do everything in our power to avoid literally every unnecessary emotion to achieving pleasure.

[lauracoretypologies]

Synflow types have a blindspot that's neutral, uninterested and neglected, contraflow types have a blindspot which is straight up stigmatized and rebellious because their dominant instinct goes against it. They have an attitude against their weakness, while synflow types simply ignore it. For example, SX/SP has an asocial/carefree quality towards societal norms and expectations, SP/SX has antisocial qualities and will go against such norms on purpose for the sake of their own sense of gratification. You can guess which one has it easier when it comes to self improvement and filling in the gaps.

[lauracoretypologies]

Laura’s take on the instinctual SO/SX stacking

There is less information on the instinctual variants than the core types of Enneagram. Many of you may be in demand of having your IV questions answered, so I will start with my own stacking.

How does the SO/SX instinct demonstrate?

This time I’m not going to elaborate on the basic anatomy, metabolism of the type or whatever mediocrity may come to your mind. Instead, this article will mainly be focused on less apparent, yet logical structure of the SO/SX stacking. For this reason, I’ll only take on a brief introduction to the basic aspect of the instincts.

As you may or may not know , the SO/SX instinct is one of the 6 that the IV theory is consisted of. Unlike the fixations that the core types deal with, the IVs are all about the energetic flows, drives and their directions. From this fact alone we can conclude that your IV type reflects on your raw, authentic attraction to a particular to a particular source, which is further managed by the fixations and mechanisms of your core type and fixes.

If we also consider the fact that there’s a particular order of IV stackings, it subsequently adds details onto how the direction would cluster or separate. Here’s a complete description of the essential properties of the instincts regarding their dichotomies: SP - sustainability SO - expansion SX - creativity Now that we defined each of the instinct by its core purpose, we need to establish that they won’t behave the same way if their order is different: a) Synflow: SP (stability/predictability) -> SO (flexibility/fluctuation) -> SX (intensity/bias) b) Contraflow: SX (production/passion) -> SO (absorbtion/reflection) -> SP (indifference/limitation) These directions also affect the chemistry you have with other people. The reason for this is that instincts are relational. It’s also necessary to note that *if your energy is not in content from within, your relationships won’t be any less chaotic.* And because of this we can see how synflow = support, and contraflow = rivalty. This is why if you are a contraflow type yourself you’re more likely to have issues with people but also yourself - you innately have your instincts move the forceful direction that lacks on gradient.

SO/SX I’m gonna describe my experience as an SO/SX now. People approach me quite easily, in fact, they’re drawn to me no matter how cold or hostile I appear to them. However, I also feel entitled to not solitude but also do avoid interactions that are of no outwardly expressed benefit to them or myself. I simply make them know, one way or another, that if they’re unwilling to voice their motives I am not obligated to talk to them. After all, I don’t even know what I’m getting myself into, what I’m actually doing by talking to them. Why the hell do they put such expectations on me anyway? Clownery is barely a hobby let alone a duty.

The composition of the SO/SX stacking The SO instinct being dominant makes up for the SX playground and SP blindspot in the synflow IV group. With the SO/SX we associate the elementary combination of firework, because the SO is a very adaptive/fluctuating instinct which we assign to air. Air is everywhere (relatively), affecting and affected by the environment, in a way that people breathe it in in a symbolic yet significant way. Air is probably the only element connecting us at all times without any frequent interruptions. As for the SX, it’s fueled by the passion, intensity and effectivity of fire. Its effect can not only be essential but also destructive. While both of these instincts happen to be effective in a way that they affect people’s internal and outer chemistry, the SO is more suggestive and expanding while the SX is rather direct and physical, which results in the SX being chanelled on one particular object. So as you may’ve noticed, both are directed to the external world, affective and provocative to what they interact with. However, if we look at this stacking as one, chemically interactive entity, it will add onto another dimension of the emotion. It will create a synergy of firework, as the energy of fire in SO/SX is fractioned by the air. The firework theme absolutely fits the stereotype of sparkly vibe. It’s very celebrational way of sharing the spirit in a personal rather than a Prussian way, due to its SP blindspot or a lack of a boundary. And since both instincts are relational, the inclinations towards human objects is synergized.

[lauracoretypologies]

PART 2 - The narcissistic aspect of point 6 in the Enneagram

IMPORTANT: Before you read this part make sure to read part one, which you find as the very top post on my blog.

That being said, enjoy the said part 2. Especially if you’re a 6 yourself...

...

A very realistic example of this would be him receiving an unclear information from a person he’s had suspicions about. The person keeps giving him open-ended responses to his concerns, and therefore not delivering him the reassurance he demands. This will make him suspect the said person, as he feels doubtful of his own mind.

He may think that this happens because there’s actually a threat to his time-limited existence (by the way, time isn’t real, independent concept on its own, but a mere continuity of activity that builds up and affects the so-called "future" in a logarithmic way), and so he starts stepping on this person in return, looking for a clear response in order to not be threatened, when in reality this person is simply incomplete in either their judgement, or responses, simply because their ego refuses to see the external world in a 6-like form.

As he happens to be threatened (and not by the person, but the illusion that fixates him on the external reality through worry), he begins to push the suspector’s boundaries, because they’re afraid his own boundaries are broken, letting another person access his being freely. He thinks to himself "If I push hard on them, they expose their intentions aimed against me." So basically in his eyes, this is justified as the person is hiding their motives anyway and if not, it costs them more to be hurt than hurting the other person - hence the narcissism. And you can probably see how the coping mechanism of projection shows in this type. Not only by projecting their own motives, but also their own actions.

If there is an influence of a point 3, or even a core point 3 with influence of 6 fix, they will even step over the other person by excessively questioning them (eg. making indirect accusations against them) expecting to be recognized, complimented, even admired for their ability to expose potential threads, or simply trying not to look stupid for falling for whatever tricks the other person may have pulled on them.

Time goes on and our point 6 chills down, rotting away like the forgotten sourdough I left in the fridge (movement to point 9, or even the influence of 9 fix if he has any). He’s more likely to reflect on his fixated behavior, coming on terms with how narcissistic he was and behaved. Later on, he may even become self-aware enough to even realize that the boundaries he’s crossed were not excuses, lies, or strategies, but a valid limitation of one’s psychological tolerance.

That being said, this is one of the styles of narcissism a point 6 may have. The other styles involve:

Narcissistic reactivity - defined by the point 6 using heavy, dramatic reactions in order for her to project her most desired/perceived emotional truth onto another person (conviction).

Narcissistic denial - defined by doubting the potential harm may happen to the point of unawarely gaslighting another person into feelings of safety without any rational arguments, disregarding the possibility of him deceiving the other person.

In eyes of this 6, he must be the one who’s right at all costs, acting like he knows better than anybody else, because it’s him. He for sure is convinced of the definite, objective version of truth, and others have to go along in order to be safe, despite exposing them to an actual threat. And all of this simply because he’s convinced the truth is different than it may really be. Through this misinformation projection he seeks affirmation and reassurance from the outside, in form of direct or indirect "Yes, you’re right", because if the other one agrees, it must be safe to assume he’s right, no?

Truth to be told, I’ve met with all the previously mentioned coping mechanisms. What’s relevant however, is to identify them in yourself and others alike before it’s too late. Take a break and think it through, which is something this post has definitely helped you with.

[lauracoretypologies]

The narcissistic aspect of point 6

In this post, I’m describing the level of type 6 in which it falls under the category of narcissistic personality stage. *This post is not meant to portray one type more narcissistic than the other, instead, it was written with the purpose of pointing out narcissism can be found in every type, in any form.*

So, let’s start on this self-reflective topic now.

Narcissism is defined by the grandiose sense of self-importance and overt prioritisation of one’s own wants and needs, entitlement, excessive need for admiration among many other traits.

While it’s frequently associated by types such as 3 or 7, particularly due to their innatelly assured sense of self, entitlement and hyperfixation on their own sense of entertainment to the point they step over another one’s dignity (especially in 7), it’s often overlooked in other types - namely 6.

This is mostly because of how in particular aspects, the 6 is depicted as a person uncertain in who he is. His observations, memory and experiences, interests and reactions are a matter of his doubt, and a matter that you could often convince them out of. This is a motivation of fear caused by the external (mental) stimuli.

However, the very same source of motivations - fear, can drive his narcissism. Once his fear leads him as far as doubting his own safety and incoming existence, his narcissistic nature shows up, and that’s when he begins to disregard other’s boundaries beyond what’s generally tolerated, making him undoubtedly narcissistic in his attempts to survive, when objectively speaking, there’s no harm likely to happen.

But what about his (clearly deluded and paranoid) viewpoint? I call it a "narcissistic paranoia." His perception is preoccupied by a sense of existential self-importance, in a way which we’ve already explained. However, he’s unaware of his nrcissistic manners, making this type of narcissism subconsciously driven.

He’s not conscious of how much it hurts others to step over people because of how he’s hyperfixated on coming out whole and safe. He’s all about his own existence, mistakingly dealing with a threat that’s not really there. Little does he realize in process of pseudo-survival, he actually happens to endanger the life of another. In other words, he’s tearing apart a fake, insignificant threat by putting his suspector into a potentially harmful position. It’s a coping mechanism to ensure illusion of safety, because little is he aware this is a mere illusion.

This happens because he hasn’t yet found the viewpoint this other person has (the other side of the coin would be excessively looking out for other viewpoints, in form of obsessive paranoia), meaning his self-inflation is so severe he hasn’t given himself a chance to disregard it in the first place.

He assumes he’s important, significant or noticeable enough for others to consider harming him in a situation where everyone dismisses his ability to become a threat anyway, and perhaps rightfully so. He makes himself a center of attention, although often in a negative way.

In his eyes, in his mind, people only care about his existence (or rather a lack of thereof), his life, actions, and how it affects them. But in reality, he is too small to leave an effect on anybody but his own perception of self and the world, especially in said point of paranoia.

"I'd accidentally kill someone and get rewarded for it because the victim would turn out to be a criminal."

Laura.

[lauracoretypologies]

Why Sp9 is more of a countertype (or why the concept of countertypes is whack).

I would make SP9 a countertype if there was any. SP is the matter of self and 9 is anything but concern or fixation on self. 9 will always scan for a stimuli, human or not, to cling on to get a sense of some kind of a stimulation that reminds them of their forgotten existence. SP is more on boundaries and the awareness of self, in body types particularly their body and since 9 may lack the boundaries, become detached from self. SP may let its innate flow balance these ego tendencies, it concerns with survival of oneself (conservation of ones state, often can mean within identity, physical or spiritual). "Do I have what I need? What is close to me? Important to me?" but a 9 hardly gets a sense of what is important to them, they don't even know "what them" means to them. So, the SP will conserve the ID flow onto what their survival and physical identity needs, being even though the 9 is very flowy and exacerbated within interactive context. In other words, SP is a block, limitation, that wont let the 9 go further than what the SP requires (respectively to the other instinct). Fixation limited by the SP boundary to seek what is needed, what is remained. Meaning the self indulging tendencies of 9 in this case would be rather exclusive to their essence of physics. They may overindulge in what their needs are to the point it appears it becomes more of a want to them, but that's an illusion. 9 struggles to know what it wants, but in this case it becomes counter because instead of searching for what somebody else wants, they are limited to what their body needs. You know why this is interesting? Because the dissociative tendencies of a 9 remain. They will cling onto their physics as an SP9, but that is because they are dissociated from the physical, out of touch with their body/anger tendencies. So in their subconscious eye, they don’t truly hold onto themselves by supporting their needs. They view their body as anything but theirs. SO9 - Unity SX9 - Dissolution SP9 - Transcendence

Their conscious narrative is not "I will enlighten my body" but "I will enlighten myself" because they're so dissociated they are not aware they separated from their physical identities just to depend on it. But it can show indirectly. "I will feed my body high vibration things because thats what it (innately) needs (but even more so for the purpose of leaving that state and entering 5D). It's very complicated and i forgot one semi thought to connect this with your current concerns, Sp 9 is dystonic because they crave to disconnect themselves from themselves physically which is still them on a certain level. But the reason why its dystonic is that transcendence is what goes beyond oneself. And one as it is. Which is the SO. However, 9 is so dissociated it's counteracting its SP and the SP turn transcendental, while 9 turns self-limited. So9 wouldn't be dystonic because it wouldn't counteract its desires of ego. Sp9s are lost in who they are in the false premise of that not being them. It's ironic, dystonic, contradictory just like attachment triad generally is. "Transcendence.

The body I’m wearing ain’t really mine, So rip the flesh off my soul, The physical deceiving about what is beyond itself Because outwardly I’m a sinner, Lying without saying anything that’s to be heard, Just a distortion to be contradicted By its innateness in this world." Laura.

[lauracoretypologies]

The miserable struggle of SX stackings with 4E in Psychosophy. (letter to Valeria)

Where does Laura start today... 

First off, I want to point out the synergy between SX stackings, particularly SP blind stackings, and 4th emotion in the Russian system of psychosophy. In the Enneagram community, we may be more or less familiar with the essence of being an SX-stacked type regarding instinctual variants.  If not, you will come to realize what it means to be in the SX zone and those significant obstacles that come with it in this post. However, to establish what the 4E in PY is, let me make my own, perfected definition.

Picture yourself a person deeply indifferent yet easily affected on the surface of emotional expressions. Manages to adapt to emotive commands if necessary, but would rather not have to live in a world bothered by an additional, unnecessary layer of emotions. Their emotional expression within arts is objective, yet may be subjective within the aspect of physical aesthetics, where it can get as specific as to judge what is stylish, and what is not. In other words, we experience things more physically than emotionally, more attraction than affection, more fun than love, and yet more void than depth. This leads me to the correlation to the SX instinct. Most likely, you can already see where this is going with the description...

Now, I want to take this a step further and state my experience of 4th (unbothered) emotion in the combination of being an SO/SX (core 3). First and foremost, this is very difficult to experience. I can be attracted to people, both physically (though, given the lack of high-quality genetic material on this planet I am simply deprived of attraction and mental arousal) and personally - soft or cold, light or edgy, I could make a use out of anything. Though personality attraction is more likely to happen, even then it lacks a certain set of emotional depth and I submit to the act of lust out of pure style to indulge in, just like if you were to jump in a huge box of candy and call it a day. Blame my 278 overlay for this. 

See, I could be a sucker for beauty, be it in others or in myself, but I never happen to find enough of it to whip my eyes, to steal my ego, or to make me go mad. I look in the media, and on the contrary to the experience of your average 4 or 9 fixer, all I see is not necessarily ugliness, but rather a lack of attraction. Understand the attraction as a spark you are willing to screen in a bunch of mediocrity, you spot it, and mentally you climax. No matter how uneventful your fleshful source of spark is, it is special to you. You see it on another level, and it is enough to sustain your interest and satisfaction in it. It becomes your source to obtain, and very importantly - to mesmerize just as hard as you want it to mesmerize you, whether it does or not.

But at the end of the day, you mature. With maturation comes experience, with experience comes trauma, with trauma comes resentment, and with resentment comes this fucking text I am writing, just to note and remember how wronged I am with the deficits of mine. The experience may be enough to not only make you lose the property of love, but to also take off your pink glasses and see people for the semi-random genetic creatures they are - yourself included. You know people, no matter how much they lie, will never see you for someone beautiful and outstanding. And if they do, they are personally biased. If they do because you are, they’re just stating the obvious, and personally found no more spark in you than they have in anyone else, logically speaking. 

This objective part bothers me a lot. I realize my own fate, my advantages and my drawbacks. In fact, I go as far as to admit how my advantages are saving my drawbacks, and how much far beyond I would be of others if I were to not suffer with the drawbacks of mine. Even from my younger teens I’ve recognized what I wasn’t granted to that anyone else has had. How I’m lacking, how I was taken away something even you may have without acknowledging. I feel wronged. Only my flaws that are inauthentic to my nature are holding me back, namely of my physics. It went as far as fluctuating towards falling under my sense of ugliness, and rushed urges towards fixing myself, my flaws and my disadvantages. Anything to return back to my mesmerizing old self. 

As for being attracted to others,  you’d love to be aroused, no question. However, where did all the sources of lust go? Why did you go from lusting at your two neighbors (brothers to each other, mind you) for years, obsessively, to seeing everyone with a clear gaze?  It has entered your soul so deep down, suppressed by the world of masquerade, that even you are unable to enter it. Yes, you’re able to attract others, the question is can others attract you? Even if you know they have a space in your soul, you cannot recall it. All you know that something is there, but let’s be honest, consciously you feel just as indifferent. You’ve lost your affection the moment somebody has expressed theirs, you only gained the responsibility to express it back. You can smile, heck you can even cry if you or another person decides so, but the sorrow doesn’t come around on its own. Eventually you come to the realization that even death is more peaceful than this world saturated with emotion. As a typical SX user, you’d rather the emotional facade and pressure disappear, just for human nature to appear. Human nature, so empty and calm, yet so raw and colorful. You find the like and pleasure in another but keep it to yourself, you suffer for yourself within yourself. You only express what decides to express itself, independent of formality.  You don’t wanna tell your partner how much you love them, you don’t wanna hug your children, and you don’t wanna affirm your "concern" for your friends. You can finally be the deep void full of emptiness you are in peace, no ads, no interruptions. It’s hard to express, but effortless to experience. 

"The highest of love is not to be felt,"

Laura.