i try so hard to be the chill girlfriend, the not jealous girlfriend, the mentally stable girlfriend, the not *her* girlfriend. and yet here i am sitting at home crying because i’m so jealous he’s having fun while i’m not there. it’s not fair on him for me to feel this way - i was the one who said i didn’t want to go if none of the other girlfriends were there. he hasn’t seen them recently either it’s completely reasonable that he should get to have time with them, away from the hurt and drama of the group. my reasonable brain knows that. so why did i do my hair and makeup just to post a pic on my story so he’d realise what he’s missing by not being with me. why am i struggling to reply to his messages in a nice tone, in a way that’s not sarcastic. why am i so angry and why am i crying now. we literally had a conversation yesterday about how it’s stupid to get mad because you miss someone and he said that it took him too long to realise that only toxic people do that and that it’s what *she* did all the time. i’m constantly trying not to be *her*, to be 100x better then *she* was, so he’ll keep loving me. i guess i’m terrified that if I’m not constantly raising the bar and being the perfect girlfriend he’ll realise he can do better, find someone prettier, and he’ll leave me. because they always do. but it’s so exhausting to always pretend that i’m always ok with everything. especially when it feels like he doesn’t listen to me. especially when it kills me inside.
