Lavuri

She, who bleeds poetry.

[lavuribleeds]

Gusto kong bumalik sa kung saan kita, at mo ako iniwan. Gusto kong bumalik sa daan kung saan tayo huling magkasama bago nagpasiyang maghiwalay ng tatahaking landas kalaunan. Mahaba na ang nalakad ko pero hindi naman ako masaya. Hindi ko pala gustong tahakin ang isang estrangherong daan nang mag-isa.

Gusto kong bumalik sa kahapon kung saan magkasama tayong naglalakad sa gitna ng kawalan at hinihintay lang na paghiwalayin ng kalawakan. Sana pala hindi tayo umayon sa kung ano ang nais ng mga bituin, sana naglakad na lang tayo nang magkasama kahit pa hindi ito ang ninanais nila para sa 'tin dahil sa tabi mo, ang aking kasiyahan ay hindi mapantayan ng kasiyahang dulot lang ng magagandang tanawin. Sana pala nanatili na lang tayo sa kawalan at hindi hinayaan na kalawakan ang magdikta ng dapat nating gawin.

Subalit, hindi ko gustong maging makasarili. Hindi ko gustong manatili ka lang sa kawalan kasama ko gayong batid kong maraming naghihintay sa 'yo sa daang nakatakda mong tahakin. Hindi ko nais na ipagkait sa 'yo ang magandang bukas na hindi mo makakamit kung mananatili ka sa tabi ko. Kaya kahit hindi ko ginusto ang paglisan mo, hinayaan kita dahil iyon ang kailangan. Ninais kong sundan ka, kahit dito lang ako sa likod mo at hindi ka na sasabayan, 'yon nga lang ay hindi pala ako puwede sa mundo mo. Kaya nang tumalikod ka sa 'kin at nagsimula sa paghakbang, doon pa lang alam ko nang mabilis mo rin akong makalilimutan.

Mahaba na ang nalakad ko pero ni isang beses hindi ka nawaglit sa aking isipan. Umaasa pa rin ako na ang dulo ng dalawang daan na ating tinahak ay muling magiging isa at magagawa nating muli na lumakad nang sabay habang magkalingkis ang mga kamay. Sana lang ay maabutan kita, o maabutan mo ako. Sana lang ay pagdating natin sa dulo, p'wede pa tayo. Sana ay wala kang ibang kasama na tahakin ang daan mo, at ganoon din ako. Sana ikaw at ako, muling magkasama sa iisang daan pero ngayon hindi na lang sa gitna ng kawalan, kun'di tungo sa walang hanggan.

—lavuri, ikaw at ako sa iisang daan

[lavuribleeds]

Sometimes at midnights, I can't help but think about the suddenness in the way events turn, henceforth changing my perceptions about life; or why is my mind awake at the time it is supposed to be resting. Sometimes I think about the chances I took but did not go well in my favor. I think about the decisions I made, the words I said, the actions I've done, and the alternative corollaries had I chosen different responses and approaches. Will it make the situation any better, or worse than the worst? And... I think it just happens; chances crumble, doors close, connections fade, and appraisals come after. Sometimes I think there's no point in pondering what might happen had I taken the other path, for I cannot go back in time, hence I shall not dwell on the past. But sometimes I just wish I could. Perhaps my mind is awake at midnights because the questions I kept on avoiding during daylight never left, and it knows that the best time to think is when no one else is awake who might tamper with the pondering. At midnights, my thoughts are the loudest and most genuine.

— lavuri, at midnights

[lavuribleeds]

Finch was here; he saved me. He brought me spring, he made me want to live and wander. He was here, and will always be here. He made me want to remember moments, and stop counting the days. He made me fall, he made me love. He taught me that small things count, and a smile can save someone. I'm a freak, weirdo, and unpredictable but never a label, not a diagnosis, not an illness. It's lovely to be able to travel in a world created by Finch. I'm rooted but flowing—I am forever changed. I am here, because Finch was here.

—lavuri, finch and eternal xoxo

[lavuribleeds]

No one likes how the human race works. You don't have to like how the human race works for you to decide to try and go see the world. At some point, you just get up and find this little sensation growing inside you, wanting an adventure, hoping that maybe, there are still interesting sights to see and places to visit. It doesn't matter when—it could be now, or tomorrow when you wake up but what's important is you listen to this little sensation and try to feel, live, and love when you're ready.

—lavuri, sensations (could) start a burning passion

[lavuribleeds]

This fondness continues to grow, in my veins they're warm—they flow.

It's comfortable, at the same time it burns me; it's thrilling and fascinating, but it scares me—

—to feel something so deeply and sensitively, to think of the possibilities and uncertainties.

—lavuri, burning desires for him

[lavuribleeds]

The warmth of his palm and embrace washed away the cold breeze of that one, December night. It was a fleeting moment—surreal and almost felt like a dream. I won't say my hand utterly fits in his, nor his was carved to match mine in perfection but that moment, with fingers intertwined and random, tight squeezes, was a tip-top. Therewithal, a farewell peck near the crown of the head brought joy more than an ace in a competitive game did. The warmth of feeling and being felt is surpassed by nothing.

—lavuri, favorite memory & him