Rae with the World on Her Shoulders

Basically, this is my life. Enjoy.

[le-precipice]

As the tears flow

I remind myself that I've survived every past obstacle in my way. In my 33 years of life. How many times have I been brought to tears? Brought to my knees? It felt unsurmountable at the time. It felt like I was often sinking, unable to find the light. But I always found my way. And I can do it again. I remember that traumatic year and a half I spent in New York, where I was very sick and alone. I found it in myself to persist until I could (literally) make my way back home again. The horrible breakup two years ago, when it felt like my life was ending. At times, the emotional pain felt like it was too much to bear. But I faced it heard first and I came out on the other side. I moved forward. The depression almost 15 years ago that was the catalyst for me starting this blog. Probably the first true 'unsurmountable' (at the time) challenge in my life. I sought help, it took time, but I persisted.

That's what I have to keep reminding myself. I have persisted. I have all I need within me. The only person I owe anything to is...myself. I often think about that. I imagine teenage me. Or myself as a child. Or a young adult. All of these earlier iterations of myself. Looking up at me. It's an emotional experience. I am reminded of all that I have gone through...all that I have accomplished, and I am filled with such...self-love and pride.

It's a good (and new) feeling, for sure.

[le-precipice]

A Return & Lots of Unfiltered Emotions

I found the one for me. I cried in my room all of those years ago and prayed for the love that I had always sought. He is that and so much more. There are so many parts of me that are excited, ecstatic, and ready to build a life with this wonderful man. Which is why it's hard to make sense of these other feelings. Fear. Quiet apprehension.

I knew he was the one for me maybe 4-5 months in. A year ago i was sure. Content. An intoxicating feeling. So I never thought I would find myself here. Feeling scared. Not of him. But of myself. When we're together, I don't want to be apart from him. I can cuddle him and hold him for hours. He is my best friend. He is my person. Which is why I have to fight the urge to not get angry at myself. Because what is so wrong with me that I can't see, appreciate, and relish what I have in front of me? I'm getting everything I always wanted. It's like God is looking down at me, saying 'here - I've given you this life - do not squander it."

I can't sleep. I feel a lot of pressure. At work, the feeling of being burnt out never leaves my side. I stay for the money, the prestige, and the "sunk cost fallacy" factor. In other words, I've worked so hard to get here, and it's all I know. And just as I'm trying to pull away from this career that has become all-consuming, I get saddled with more responsibility (but not more money?).

Intimacy. The feeling of holding someone and being held. Kissing. Touching. Again, its intoxicating. But for a while now, things have felt different. This is something that's really hard for me to name. Because if I say it out loud, it becomes real. If I keep it deep down, will it eventually go away? Probably not.

I can't orgasm. I love him so much, and I want to make him feel good. I enjoy his body. I initiate sex often, go out of way to please him. Make him go crazy for me. But I don't know how to make myself feel the same pleasure. And it's a really scary place to be. Is it the porn I've watched since I was 16 that has fried my brain? Is it some deep-seated shame? Or the scariest of all - it it an attraction thing? To him? To men? Am I now queer? I look at my long history of attraction, the legions of men that I have fallen madly in love with and written about on this very blog, and i say that it's not possible, right? Sometimes I convince myself that maybe I am a sexually fluid person, and maybe some of the fear I feel is about not having explored any of these paths before I settle down. But is this even real? Where did these thoughts come from? Am I trying to self-sabotage? I hear it's pretty common. When everything starts to go right, this unconscious compulsion to just mess shit up often creeps up. I think it's related to the feeling that you're waiting for some other shoe to drop, and you're afraid of feeling hurt or pain, so you try to pre-empt those experiences by just ruining everything. Not a healthy way to live, I say.

I can't sleep. I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. I have so much to do tomorrow. With each passing minute I get more anxious, and I dread going through the day exhausted. I did that most of last week and it was painful to say the least.

The screens. The fucking screens. Social media. The irony is not lost on me that I am typing these words while looking at a screen. But the worst culprit is the phone. Reddit. Instagram. It's like I can feel my brain rotting and my intellect diminishing as I waste countless hours on these apps. I hate what it has done to me. I view it as a scourge on society. But I also feel shackled to it. I block the apps, set time limits, and try to disengage. And a few days (hours?) later I'm being pulled back in. I feel like it's the main obstacle to my personal development. I don't read like I used to. Every day, I am inundated with indicators of how cruel the world can be, and that only raises my stress levels. At the same time, the immediate dopamine hit it provides makes it an easy source of comfort when I am stressed put, or if I literally just need to distract myself from the mess of life. It's as if I just can't sit still and be with my thoughts. A terrifying realization.

I bought all of these tools and books around mindfulness. They sit on my coffee table untouched. I feel like I'm moving through life just making do, sometimes only hanging on my a thread.

I want to change course. This post has been very...negative. I know. Mostly because I needed that catharsis that comes with just letting it all flow out, no matter how uncomfortable or dark the thoughts may be. But I do want to come back here and talk about the small wins I have had and the ways I am working on myself. I've been blogging on this Tumblr since I was 18. That's 15 years. I really hope I can make this a part of my life again. It feels good to be back.

[le-precipice]

Hurt

This feels like something I won't be able to shake quite yet. The lesson to take away from this experience is to always trust that feeling. That gut instinct. It's never steered you wrong. Every time I felt the cold shoulder, every time I felt unwelcome. All I wanted was their approval. My boyfriend's dearest friends. I took this uneasiness and I pushed it down. Forced myself to smile and laugh and engage all the while wanting to be anywhere but there. I feel defeated. I feel naïve. I feel like an idiot. I feel like I've betrayed myself.

The truth is that I feel betrayed by my boyfriend too. He feels like he is being unfairly punished for something that was out of his control. But they are his friends. How could he not see that something was off? Maybe he didn't want to believe it. But it's the fact that he actively wanted me to be in these spaces that I now realize were emotionally unsafe for me.

For a while now, something he has said to me a few times has been stuck in my head. He tells me that since we've gotten together, various aspects of his life are immeasurably better. **Cue Upgrade U lyrics** This is in no way to knock down the man that I love so very much and continue to choose as my (future) life partner. As I've said from the beginning, I truly believe that I lucked out. He is emotionally mature, sweet, loving, and he shows his commitment to me and our relationship every day. He is secure in himself and in life. It's just that...can I also say that because of him my life has improved immeasurably? Of course, I enjoy the time we spend together, and he is my best friend. Those early months were something like a dream. But as we settled into a real, long-term relationship - it become clear that the honeymoon was exceedingly fleeting. The stage our relationship is in now requires a lot of sacrifice. I'm giving up time with friends and family, I'm spending money on Ubers and restaurants and all kinds of new things, and I'm also giving up the solitude that admittedly has been a double edged sword in my life - at times debilitating but often a refuge for me. That is to say, we've gotten busier while also trying to build our relationship, and that's put a strain on things. So back to that question - I don't really know how to answer it right now.

More to come later.

[sunsetquotes]

“Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert; Eat, Pray, Love

[le-precipice]

It's better. It is for sure. More importantly - I am now, more than ever, thankful for every day that I get on this planet. Thankful for my health, my family & community -- and my job, and the independence it affords me.

Two things though.

I still miss him. I still think of him, nearly every day. There are several "milestones" I have yet to reach. Like for example, there is so much media we consumed together that I find myself unable to revisit. It wasn't meant to be. The rational side of me can make sense of this. But he was also my best friend. My confidante. My (first) lover. There was a comfort and a familiarity that I miss very much.

Second, I'm afraid that it's never going to happen for me. Although I don't think now is the time, I want children so badly. I want a husband. I want to build a family. Put plainly, I am 31 (32 in 3.5 months), and I feel like time is running out. I do realize that stressing so hard about it and trying to push for something that needs to happen organically just results in more sadness an anxiety. There are so few men that do anything for me these days. The ones that do usually remind me of him. I watched a *very mediocre* police procedural because one of the lead characters reminded me so much of him. In my delusion, watching the show made me feel closer to him. Also, the only date I've been on since him was with a guy who pretty much seemed like a carbon copy of him - down to the facial features, job, family background, even fucking hometown.

Maybe if I stop fixating on this, it will happen. But then knowing this means I can't actually stop. It's really just a cycle. On and on and on. Ugh.

[le-precipice]

Every once in a while, I imagine what if he’s found someone else? What if she’s everything he’s ever wanted and he actually loves her and wants to be with her? One day I’m just at the grocery store the gas station and I just see him and his new love? How would I respond? Would I fall apart?

[le-precipice]

And then there are these moments when I feel so down, so alone, and the intrusive thoughts just can't stop coming. I just bury my head in my pillow and sob until there's nothing left.

[le-precipice]

I had the most vivid dream of us embracing again after all these months. Just the most natural and calming feeling - being back with him.

Last week, I panicked about my future and downloaded Hinge and Bumble. It took a few days but I got somewhat of a good groove going and have been chatting with a few people.

Everything feels so wrong and I just keep thinking of him. He was the blueprint. Even though I do not owe these men that I talk to anything, I feel like I am being unfair to them and to myself. Trying to meet people why I am still fully hung up on him. I compare every single one of them to him.

I feel like I am regressing. It had been a few weeks since I cried over him. Today will now be the second time in less than a week. In these moments it feels like I will never move on. And it’s hard to have hope.

[le-precipice]

Time

Why do I feel like I'm always out of time? Time to find happiness. Time to find him. Time to build a family. To rebuild my life. To spend with my parents. In the midst of the sadness that has permeated my life, I am at times overcome with extreme anxiety. Life is so short and I am spending it in tears. Why am I not doing more? Why am I just not...more?

[le-precipice]

There still isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of him. It no longer feels like my world is coming crashing down. But there's still a void in my life. There is this detached longing. Because he is often on my mind. And I think about all of the good and I do miss it. And sometimes (like tonight), it brings me to tears.

It's true that there is slow improvement. My therapist tells me that I'm always fighting it. That I refuse to even recognize that I am getting better. Because getting better means letting go of him.

[le-precipice]

I have a very vivid dream last night that we had gotten back together. It felt so real and so good. And now I'm back to this reality. True, it's not as painful as it was 3 months ago. But it still sucks. I still long for the comfort of him. I miss you. I miss you so much.

[le-precipice]

This entire week is really shaking out to be monumentally dreadful. I am angry at those around me, those that are closest to me. I'm angry that no one seems to care.

The emotional pain has evolved into very real physical sensations. A weakness in the legs. Something I haven't felt since I was in high school when life was rough.

I hate all of this.

[le-precipice]

To him

You hurt me and you wasted two years of my life. I still cry pretty much every day, I still long for you and miss you. And I hate myself for it. I hate myself for being so attached to someone who for all intents and purposes exhibited continuous fuckboy behavior. I was honest with you from the beginning and I gave you all of me. You knew that, and you knew you had no intention of ever meeting me there. And still you wasted my time.

I imagine you will soon move on to someone new, because did you ever really give a fuck about me? No, you only ever wanted to fuck me. Until my needs and my desires became too heavy for you. Until I wouldn't stop asking about our future. I slowly lost whatever sense of self I had. I made myself small. I did everything I could. You refused to say you loved me, and I stayed.

You did this to every woman before me and you will do it to every woman after me. Because it's who you are. Remember that when you're fucking the next girl. At some point she's going to want something more than this pitiful excuse for a relationship that you think you can offer.

I now understand why she was the way she was. I hated that woman and I blamed her for the fact that our relationship was doomed from the beginning. These days, I can only empathize with her. Because now I know what it's like to have been maligned by you. Hurt by you. You were a scrub, a fuckboy, someone unworthy of my time. My brother saw it. My mother saw it. My therapist sees it. And I gave you my body and my soul. I was ready to devote myself to you. Attach myself to you legally. Give you my money. Have a child with you.

I hate my life as it is right now. I'm in therapy and have been prescribed anti-depressants. I'm slowly trying to rebuild my life. In the midst of this pain, at least I know deep down that being rid of you was the best thing to happen to me. Even if it feels dreadful at the moment, even if each day is a struggle to just get out of bed. I know that one day I will emerge from this triumphant. And you will be right were you always were. Unable to see a good thing staring you in the face. Ungrateful. Spoiled. And just sad.

[le-precipice]

And now I'm just angry. The emotions are so strong they manifest into actual physical effects. A weakness in my legs and in my hands.

This recurring theme where I ask myself what the fuck was the point of trying to open myself up to people, when no one is ever really going to be there for me when I need them. This is how people become cold. This is how one becomes conditioned to not let anyone in. Because people are only ever going to let you down.

At least with him there was someone to call. There was someone to hold me and make me feel not so alone. Fuck all of you.

[missinyouiskillingme]

[le-precipice]

I used to spend my Monday evenings with him. Truly, it was the promise of seeing him that would get me through the Monday blues. The first couple of Mondays after "it" happened were almost unbearable. It's still painful now.

Today was an altogether dreadful day. Yes, even for Mondays. Just this dread and sadness that I couldn't quite shake as the day progressed. In such moments all I can really do is lean into it. Feel my sadness and angst and let it fester. I'm spiraling into my little pit of despair and I can't imagine how I'm going to get through yet another week of this. Putting on a brave face and a smile. Going about work and just...continuing on with things? I want so badly to spend this week in bed and under my covers, to give myself the time to cry my heart out until I have expended all of these tears.

It's not healthy that this person used to be the sole source of my joy. I know. But in his absence it feels like there is just nothing. I come home to an empty apartment (my roommate is as much of a recluse as I am...a topic for another day) and it feels like my life has no purpose. I only care about my job insofar as it allows me to support myself. I guess it gives me a reason to be around people three days out of the week, and distracts me from the dread. But it doesn't fulfill me in any way. So all I have is my work and me. It's not a way to live, really.

Right now I just yearn for him. I miss the familiarity and comfort and the touch. Dear god to do I miss his touch. There are so many complicated thoughts that fill my mind when I think of him. A lot of conflicting feelings that would likely take an eternity to unpack. But in it's simplest form, I just miss the companionship. Unfortunately, I really would not rather be alone than unhappy. Because I have never known unhappiness worse than what I feel at this very moment.

[le-precipice]

"You are somebody. Don't let anybody make you feel that you are nobody. You are somebody. You have dignity, you have worth. Don't be ashamed of yourself, and don't be ashamed of your heritage. Don't be ashamed of your color. Don't be ashamed of your hair. I am black and beautiful, and not ashamed to say it."

Martin Luther King, Jr. (x)