leak

journal

[le4k]

Stasis

Hi it's been awhile. I guess I'm here to update how I'm doing now. First off, I've work on some pretty cool projects now. It seems like some of that hard work paid for something. And the first time seeing my name in some of the titles I worked on feels somewhat hollow. Like yeah I should be proud that I worked together with so many people to make these projects happen, but I just feel empty inside. Doesn't feel like I really did anything, although we did work on a portion of the game, there's no satisfaction. And also, I guess I'm on not too great terms with my first company. They decided to take my name off one of the projects I worked on so that kinda sucks. May have unintentional damaged one of the bridges into the industry.

Loneliness still hasn't gone away. Makes it even worse that R is already doing alot better than me since his past relationship. He told me he's already dating someone for a month now just earlier. And here look at me, still miserable since I left school. It hurts more that I haven't gotten anywhere other than maybe finding jobs here and there. Talked to a councillor with work benefits from my previous job. I don't even know why. Was I trying to learn about myself? No. Maybe find out what's wrong with me? Didn't get an answer to that. Advice for making more friends? That did happen but it didn't solve that loneliness much. I want a relationship again but don't know how I should do this anymore. I talk to people but the more I chat the more I get anxious that I'll say something wrong. Which then leads to me not talking and leads to the cycle again. It's hopeless.

Intrusive thoughts have been floating around again. Haven't got a reason to continue, other than not to inconvenience others. It's hard living like this. Even harder that one of my close friends have gotten into a relationship as well when we thought it would never happen. They keep asking, how come you can't find one? I don't know myself. Maybe I am becoming more unapproachable. I've made alot more friends now so that's a plus, but still haven't found a close relationship. Wonder if I'll ever be happy.

[le4k]

Detached

It's been a few months that I've left the studio now. The urge that I still wanted to become a gameplay animator still lingered in me I guess. I asked my lead about what he thought about me going down this path before I decided. He assured me that there wouldn't be any hard feelings if I left and I should follow the embers of the passion in me. I ended up taking a small breather from working at all, but it felt that I was just wasting time not improving the whole time.

Ended up taking an online course to freshen up my skills and enforcing me to work although still feeling overwhelmed. Been seeing some progress from the few weeks in the course. And watching others in my class struggle with the fundamentals makes me feel like I've made the wrong decision on picking my instructor. They all seem very new to animation or the software in general, which means they seek help from the instructor and I. Fortunately, R can also help me get a second opinion on the workflow again, but I feel I am leaning on him too much and can't do anything on my own. Perhaps I'm still not cut out for this type of work.

E has also left back home.

[le4k]

(NOT) Alone

Well it's been a few weeks since I've graduated from the program. I don't know if this was the right choice I made here, but it's all over now. I currently am working at the studio now so I guess that's some progress and I met an alumi here. She is quite kind and very energetic, which is a nice pace of things. She told me that I am doing fine so far, as long as I would like to stay. I don't know though. This is quite a slow pace so I'm able to take it in slowly. However, they expect me to get much faster so I may begin real work soon. I'm not sure if I'm up for the task but I will do my best.

Also I haven't been animating for awhile and it's been making me feel terrible. I want to practice my craft, but I haven't been feeling the motivation to move forward. I know what I need to do, but I can't feel that I will accomplish anything well with it. Seeing my demo not being noticed alot. I've been feeling pretty low. My friends have already planned to take up school again, while I'm just taking it easy. They wish they were in my position so they can get in to it right away and here I am just staying put. I wish I had their drive to keep moving forward, but that's the issue with me. I'm always scared to move. Will the result be good? Bad? Worthless? I don't know.

R knows I am really hard on myself. Feeling I never deserve the praise for work that I have done. Which at most times, I do feel that way. Cause the things I do never feel good or complete. People say that this feeling is going to persist throughout this career. And if I have trouble taking it in, it's going to be a rough journey for me. (Also one of the reasons I'm scared) Maybe I've made a mistake.

It's been alittle over a year since I left home. I'm not quite sure if I miss home right now, but this feeling of loneliness has hurt more lately. Sometimes it spikes and I try to reach out to old friends to try to mend it, but so far, I've just been trying to hide from it. Reminds me, around my birthday, S treated out for dinner. That day, I realized how distant we've become. Our interests don't line up anymore. The similarities are much more far apart now. We don't talk as much as we used to, but if we are together, I don't know how to relate to her anymore. Am I just becoming harder to get close to? It hurts. My heartaches that I don't have anyone to share these thoughts with. Maybe I'm just difficult to be around. During the gathering with my class for the last time. We went to a pub and I didn't talk to anyone, but mainly J. I felt that I was an outsider in the class. Everyone was having a great time, while I just wanted to sit at a table and chat with her. I wanted to leave, but she convinced me that I should stay awhile longer, since this is one of the last moments that we'll be spending with our class. Honestly, I didn't care about the rest of the class staying. I just didn't want to be there.

Its dark now. No one is by my side. My heartaches. There's only so much that you can share with a friend, but you can't show those deep feelings.

The time is 03:24 PDT

[le4k]

EMT

Today I come back from Tokyo with my family. During the trip I spent alot of time with S, exploring Tokyo, getting lost, missing trains and stumbling back home. It's been a while since I've spent this much time with someone, to enjoy the things that life throws at us. But an incident stuck out to me and i believe this is going to be one of the many things I regret I hadn't done. It was in the evening when we were finished up at the aquarium and began venturing out to enjoy some shabu shabu. As we entered the the train, I noticed an odd man on board. At first when I saw him, I thought nothing much of him, just an ordinary guy getting home after a long day at work. But no, he dropped something as everyone was packed into the train. I looked to S and pointed out to her, 'oh that's weird, did you see what he just dropped?' 'no, what was it?' she replied. I told her that he dropped and strange tube with a duck on it. She thought nothing of it and we continued our ride. This is where I should've noticed something was up, the guy was getting closer to S and I hadn't realized the S was getting uncomfortable. I was too caught up on checking where we needed to get off that I wasn't aware. He began getting closer and was up against S. She began panicking and i just looked up from my phone and she muttered to me. I couldn't pick out what she said but I think it was something along the lines of wtf. I ask her what's wrong and she says nothing. This is the point where I start picking out that she's uneasy and as we got closer to our stop, he began leaning on her. S immediately moved beside me and I had realized what she was going through. I then stood closer the the man so he couldn't get close to S, but then our stop arrived and we needed to get off. I asked her which way would she want to get off, so that is he were to try anything, I would be able to stop him. She picked the exit but then he began blocking us. I asked her to go first so that I could stop him if he tried anything. As soon as S hops off, he began getting off as well. Getting annoyed, I stay close to S so that he knows I am with her. He begins going his own way and leaving us alone and I confront S about it. She was clearly upset and I feel that I couldn't help her in anyway because I noticed too late. I know she told me it was alright but I just can't help but feel that I'm a terrible person that I couldn't protect their friend. I'm sorry I'm slow to notice these things.

That's how I feel right now. Coming back from Japan, I thought I would feel great but because I haven't interacted much with anyone for these last couple years, I'm unfamiliar with these things now. I feel that I've become a toxic person. Ive began distancing myself from people and keeping those who are close, where they are. I know I am not getting closer to anyone anymore and it's probably bad for my mental health and relationships with people. But this is me right now, it's getting darker and I'm falling further away. Doesn't seem like people really notice though, but that's okay I don't think it would bother them. I hope they're all doing fine and when they need me, I'll do my best to listen and help.

Anyways theres quite abit of turbulence right now, maybe something will happen maybe it won't. I'm gonna try to rest. The time is now 2030JST.

[le4k]

It's been awhile

It's been a day since I went to the funeral and it's been worrying me how my mother's condition is. It was her church friend​ that had passed away, but she was too afraid to go see her off. People came to the house to check up on her to see how she's doing. I think my cousin called those people in. She had been very persistent in having me call, but I was too scared to know the result of her condition. I didn't want to know the result because I was scared they would tell me they couldn't really help her. Hopefully my mother gets the help she need now. I wonder how my friend is doing. It was his mother that had passed away. I am worried about him and I want to talk to him, but don't know how to approach him. Maybe I'll invite him out soon and have a talk on how he's doing. Also found out that he had broken up with his girlfriend before his mother had passed, so I'm curious on how he's holding up. So far though, it seems his ex now, is taking it pretty hard. I am concerned about her well being as I did have some feelings towards her at some point. She is a sweet girl, but she was troubled by her parents quite a bit. So I believe her family is broken up at the moment. She was also just diagnosed with a condition and now feels depressed about alot of things in her life. I also want to reach out to her to make sure she's doing fine. However it seems difficult as she probably always saw me as an acquaintance then a friend. Maybe I'll see what I can do to connect with her.