Love Thy Will Be Done

I'm still standing

[leatherlacedeyeliner]

Yeah so, i've managed to regain the body I had nearly 15 years ago. I kept all my old jeans from high school, so I am prepared. It feels odd to be this size again because when I am, I am lethal when it comes to dating men. Absolutely lethal. And yet, I spend my time swimming and watching movies. I don't even go out.

I know if I did go out, I'd be at strangers apartments every night. Kinda considering it.

I may be one of the few from my school that can still say I almost look the same.

although i will admit this is really peak anorexic me, are we really surprised? I'm never recovering from that

[leatherlacedeyeliner]

I am now 119 lbs. Last year at this time, I was 224 lbs. I've lost 105 lbs in about a year, with me hitting the 100 lbs mark toward the end of April. I am proud of this and it's surprising because I haven't looked like this since high school. I fit in my old high school clothes, like my "I'm just a bill" shirt. Zepbound gave me my life back AND Medicaid approved it for me, so I pay 4 dollars now. This froze my snowball of debt from getting the shot weekly at a clinic.

Isn't it amazing what I can do in a year without people weighing me down and being hurtful? I lost a whole person worth of weight. It's a relief on my spine and my legs, but I'm still struggling with spine pain and balance issues.

I do wish that I could go on dates, but nearly everyone in this town wants to have sex with me. I don't want to start that way again. I tested negative for everything at my annual appt for STIs etc. (not surprised, I make sure I sleep with people who show me their results). I think being single helped me focus on my health instead of someone else's happiness. I am pretty lonely. I live close to my ex-best friend but it doesn't matter because we do not talk anymore. That's what you get when you abuse your friend's generosity and become stingy and hoard money by lying about your situation. Claire really lied a lot - I can't even say misled to be nice. I tried so fucking hard but you can't make people change their ways.

I keep hoping I'll fall in love with someone who can sweep me away. I am doubting it will happen on any continent, but at least I'm hot right? Ugh. Shallow assholes. What happened to intellect?

[leatherlacedeyeliner]

Hungarian grandmother stories

My grandma won 5 bucks cause she won her bridge game and she told me that she feels great because she outsmarted everyone else who is old. My grandma is 82. She does not consider she is also old. 

On another note, she’s going to get Panera for me since I haven’t eaten all day. 

[leatherlacedeyeliner]

what i would give for grandma to be here now

[leatherlacedeyeliner]

updates - april 2026

I continue to avoid dating, people are freaks and creeps

i got a new tattoo

i swim a lot

i can't find a job, i'm sick as hell in my body

i've lost over 100 lbs

hungary tossed a dictator but now i'm panicked about how to financially get back with my dog

i'm completely isolated and rarely talk to other humans

i don't even leave the house except to walk my dog

none of my clothes fit anymore and i am having to dress like i'm in high school because that's the size i am again

i am very lonely and hurting but healing

i have very long therapy sessions pro bono with my therapist of three years and it goes on for two hours, she's finding out about the real me

i bought zzzquil for the first time since sept 2024 and i have it sitting on my bedstand because i want to relapse

i count down days where my meds refill and i now hoard meds to then take more and yeah

i have nothing to really live for because i cut out every single close person i knew for treating me like shit after grandma died, including claire and patty and allison

which means, i have a new smaller circle

i have managed to contact grandma via a medium and we have talked for four hours from the afterlife - she is very upset at how i'm being treated and hasn't left my side and is very concerned i'll end up committing suicide and she is trying to avoid that and ratted me out to the medium about what i do

i have no idea where any of my family is

im gonna be living completely alone again in a month and it will enable me to then just go into hyperactive hookups on tinder again from my burner phone

i am mourning how i thought i had met the person i'd marry only to find he set me up

i can't even date because i'm disgusted at how low people will go for sex alone, yet i have the highest sex drive i've ever had in years right now

i look very scary rn like a skeleton and it reminds me of when i started this blog

i doubt my exes even check here thankfully, but if they do, ding ding ding the favor you owe me is due and i'm near death and i need someone to step back in and give a shit regardless of history and be there as a decent person

you know, i haven't had a single ex that didn't regret how they treated me badly, i have cards from every single one where they've admitted it and apologized profusely and begged for another chance

but where are they when grandma is dead and i need just someone supportive or an emergency contact? i don't have anyone to help me if i end up in the hospital dude

i cut out CLAIRE for christ's sake, that's how much I realized my life was fucked up because my own best friend backstabbed me

sometimes i'm on IG just to post thirst traps for ricardo and i don't think he sees them so i flirt with csaba as usual

csaba is the first guy i ever matched with on tinder in 2019 and somehow has survived 7 years of me annoying him but also sending risque photos every time i was single lol

hell, we may be end game if shit gets worse for me, just out of boredom for both of us

my therapist would say i've healed a lot of what was broken and i'm not suffering like i was, but i still don't know who i am and what i like without my grandma being in my life

i'm beautiful enough where my european friend group is amazed at how i don't have wrinkles or anything and that my skin is amazing

i flirt with one of my german gal besties since she just got out of a 12 year relationship and it's my chance to romance her lol i always had a crush on her

janosch researched my medical stuff in german and helped me find that i can get my pain meds abroad, it'll just take time

i am so grateful i hung onto our friendship and revived it because janosch gives me hope

most of my friend group doesn't know what to do in this fucking disaster world so i'm not alone but i'm geographically alone

i wish my rich ex would toss me 5k so i could go abroad this summer for a month and see my friends and arrange how i'm moving

i no longer feel loyalty toward travis

i still struggle with how he lied to me about very serious stuff

for the first time in my life everything is still but that makes me so anxious

all i do is bother people and make them laugh

but at least i'm no longer 224 lbs

i'm so fucking skinny it's like weird to see it again

i am in such a place where grandma's 3rd anniversary of death is coming up and i want to jump into the haw and drown or hit my head on a rock and be done with this prolonged torture

i know I have MS, nobody has to tell me more, it makes me so upset that i'm trapped in my body and can't afford to see my primary doctor

i've been so unsuccessful at living and dying that i can be entered as completely useless in a dictionary

i will never fall in love with anyone again other than ricardo but it feels like he will never care

i also have a german thai guy who wants to regularly hook up with me but i ghosted him back and we've been doing this for a year and a half of hitting each other up and then ghosting lol but he's hot and he liked me when i was fat and skinny so i should let him hit

actually, maybe that is what will keep me alive, i'll plan this for when my roomies are completely moved out and i can fuck on the floor in peace

it's actually funny, every guy minus abroad, has fucked on my bed from my first relationship to my last

this bed's seen it all

and yet, i feel so uninterested in dating, which is so unlike me that it would concern even my biggest enemies because i used to be obsessed with dating

now i see it as gross and demoralizing

i can fit in all my sex outfits again but i feel so out of place, seven years of changes hits different

these are my current thoughts, i know that nobody sees me and im as invisible as i feared i'd be years ago

i'm tired of surviving what my parents caused

[leatherlacedeyeliner]

I love this man, I will give him my heart, he is the love I've been looking for my entire life

[leatherlacedeyeliner]

Even a guy like this will hurt you and leave, don't fall for it

[leatherlacedeyeliner]

Lost 100 + lbs, Hungary broke free of a dictatorship, trying to not off myself

fun fact - i haven't even worn that shirt since maybe late 2018 when cayleigh elise had a huge sale on her merch before disappearing from the internet entirely - i have a couple shirts from her

skirt was 18 bucks, homemade, pretty cool

but yeah i'm at my thinnest in years and i eat maybe twice a week and my dog is the only thing keeping me alive and i'm close to just trying to find a better owner who can stay alive for him

i am still single, i do not desire a relationship with anyone, i'm tired of people in general

[leatherlacedeyeliner]

It's my 13 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

dear christ

[leatherlacedeyeliner]

updates - sept 2025

been a while since I've posted, here's some updates on my life

my last grandparent died in January - Grandma Shirley, the one I look like and it freaks people out

my grandma's sister just died in august, couldn't get to montreal for the funeral, was tasked on telling everyone here, got videos of funeral and lost it because that means i have only one family member left

i turned 28

I've lost 46 lbs from May to end of August, down to 178

haven't found a job, haven't dated anyone interesting

spent every day from May to end of August swimming daily in the pool I grew up in, can do 30 laps a day

saved a 62 year old woman from a domestic violence situation with a narcissist who put her into 70k cc debt and took over 100k from her bank account, helped her change locks and get RO because he showed up at her work

made friends at the pool, known as polka dot or 'dots' by everyone because I play great music and i've been complimented on it at least by 30 different people, they say they are willing to go to the pool when they hear my speaker going

bonded so close with Duckie that he complains if he doesn't fall asleep next to me for at least an hour at night, he prefers to be attached at my hip

Duckie is being treated for a UTI, caught it early before it did more damage

i am benefitting from being on a GLP-1 - ironically my diet from anorexia in high school is exactly the diet i'm supposed to have for my metabolism, i barely hit 1000 calories a day

i'm going to therapy weekly, we are working on my self destructive ways

i feel like a failure

i've reunited my europe friend group and we are having monthly calls together and it turns out i'm not the only one who feels lost and likea loser

more calls with them will get me prepped for europe

i miss grandma every day

i see does outside on my late night walks and i'm convinced the does are grandma watching over me because they follow me on my walk

i've fell a couple times in august without any explanation and lots of cuts and bruises

i've cut off claire for the summer after finding out that they broadcasted details of my breakup for brownie points in their friend group chat on messenger without my consent

Here's my cute self to document turning 28 and burning every memory of being 27

[controlresonant]

"windows 11 upgrade ready!" "your computer is eligible for windows 11!" "download windows 11 now!"

[worldformula]

this might not be everything you dreamed of when you were 12.

[weepingveil]

the allegheny cemetery spirits

[xanaxfarts]

Rat Chain mail Coin Purse designed by Paul Frey for the famous Lacloche Freres jewelers. Made of brass and a small ruby.

[leatherlacedeyeliner]

my angel, my muse, marianne faithfull

god i hate that she died, if you look at my old tags on here you can clearly see how obsessed i was with her

[sweatermuppet]

tumblrs great. you can have 6,000 followers & only 9 of them are active/real

[leatherlacedeyeliner]

It's my 12 year anniversary on Tumblr

jesus fuck

[sadclowncentral]

(grabs you by the shoulders) you have to make room for new experiences in your life. you have to go through the unpleasant work of leaving your comfort zone, even if just for a few minutes at a time. because if you don't, your brain will trick you into stagnation. you will start to believe that the world can barely fit you in it. but that's not true. it's the opposite way around. you can fit the whole word inside of you. your task is only this: to welcome it with open arms

[sandersstudies]

Love the tags!

[lousolversons]

me watching 'gratuitous' sex and violence and ''problematic representation'' in my shows and movies made for adults

[coulsonlives]