Monster Lawyer Case 1: The grave robbing horseman
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Jonathan: Pleasure to meet you Mr……
Jonathan: Actually forgive me, but I don’t know your name.
Headless Horseman: You can call me horseman.
Jonathan: *Looks between empty space where head is, then back down at carved pumpkin on the table that the voice emanates from.
Horseman: *Looks over at Marvin, senior lawyer partner of MFD law firm, waiting in the corner.
Horseman: You sure this kid is a lawyer? He can’t even look me in the eye when talking to me.
Jonathan: I’m thirty seven, not a child.
Horseman: And I’m over two hundred and fifty, so shut it.
Jonathan: I know you’re the headless horseman, but I don’t recall any legend ever mentioning your actual name so I wished to be respectful.
Horseman: Respectful indeed considering I was paid to put down this little democratic experiment of yours.
Jonathan: It’d be best not to mention that in court.
Horseman: Truth is I can only become who I was once I get my head back.
Horseman: Until I do I am cursed to search for my head and be this monster before you.
Jonathan: We can use that for sympathy with the jury; they tend to eat up emotional gut wrenching stories like this.
Jonathan: Now, you mentioned you are being held by the Hudson Park service for grave robbing?
Horseman: For the record I was not grave robbing; do I look like a sick bastard who gets his schwanz hard by digging up corpses?
Jonathan: But you were caught in the act of digging numerous holes at a cemetery.
Horseman: I’ve been digging holes up and down the length of that verflucht river for centuries trying to find my head.
Horseman: It’s not my fault that you American’s keep building things next to it.
Jonathan: So what you’re saying is that in your mind it being a cemetery was not on your radar, only that it was near the Hudson river?
Horseman: Most of the time.
Jonathan: Most of the time?
Horseman: Where else would you put body parts if not at a graveyard?
Jonathan: Medical hospitals, museums, art displays-
Horseman: Art displays?!!
Horseman: *Smashes fists against the table
Horseman: Is that meant to amuse me?!
Jonathan: *Throws up hands apologetically
Jonathan: I assure you I’m not.
Jonathan: Some people believe that there is nothing more beautiful than the human form and body, so naturally there are those who taken to turning it into art pieces to admire.
Horseman: You’re not ficking coming on to me are you?
Horseman: Because I had one of those necro-lover lawyers before and your friend here had to stop me from ripping their arms off when they tried to kiss my neck stump.
Marvin: My apologies for that unprofessionalism.
Marvin: Though you did rip one of their arms off; which was a rather inconsiderate yourself.
Jonathan: *Looking more nervous as he eyes his client.
Jonathan: I think I can get you out of being sent to jail but it’ll have to be with an insanity plea.
Horseman: Do I look insane to you?
Jonathan: I look insane just by talking with you.
Horseman: *Light from carved pumpkin enlarges, flames licking out of the carved eyes and mouth.
Horseman: What. Did. You. Just. Say?
Jonathan: *Takes several gulps before steeling his nerves.
Jonathan: Look, let’s examine the facts.
Jonathan: You are a walking corpse that uses a pumpkin to replace his lost head and have spent centuries terrorizing the Hudson valley searching for what is now most likely a pile of dust collecting under the foundation of a Macy’s.
Horseman: *Flames burn even brighter now, forcing Jonathan to recoil slightly from heat
Jonathan: You are driven to this by a curse placed upon you not of your own doing.
Jonathan: Forcing you to walk the earth, keeping you joining the afterlife, trapping you in an endless cycle of pain and suffering.
Jonathan: Your existence now is a cycle of nothing but endless torture and dread as you desperately scramble on your hands and knees from one hole to the next searching for your final rest.
Horseman: *Says nothing but flames dim slightly
Jonathan: So, we play the insanity card along with your story which will play heavily on the heart strings.
Jonathan: While that is going on, I will reach out to both the British and German embassies for them to intervene in your case.
Marvin: Why involve them?
Jonathan: By my record the horseman is still a German citizen, and he is still under the employ of the British crown as his contract was not formally ended; meaning both parties will have an investment in stepping in.
Marvin: It’s an interesting tactic, but a long shot mind you.
Marvin: The British would argue that his contract ended upon his death, and the Germans might say that as part of the Holy Roman Empire he does not have formal citizenship in the modern Germany.
Jonathan: *Nods in agreement
Jonathan: True, but narrative wise if it is leaked to the public their opinion would shift the matter.
Jonathan: To the German people, hearing one of their lost heroes is still trapped in this hell unable to receive the proper sendoff he deserves would make a ruckus.
Jonathan: They’d most likely be panicking that someone on their payroll has been terrorizing the American countryside for two centuries and they’ve done nothing about it.
Jonathan: *turns back to the Horseman
Jonathan: We also have treaties with both countries with regards to the returning of fallen soldiers, so they would apply their own diplomatic pressure to have your head located and returned to you.
Horseman: *Quiet as the flames die down and return to normal
Horseman: I’ll admit that never occurred to me.
Jonathan: Forgive me for asking, but was your whole plan just keep digging holes until you found your head?
Horseman: When you say it like that it sounds stupid, but yes.
Jonathan: *Turns to Marvin
Jonathan: I think we’ll win this one.
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