nobody

[bententeren]

being on social media (instagram specifically) following people i know irl is so nerve-racking when they have birthdays because i am absolutely horrible at gauging how close a friendship is. like even if you told me i was your Best Friend every single day first thing in the morning i would second guess. and that applies to all friendships and so it gets so scary to go about greeting someone. because do i make a story ?? do i greet them ?? do i just like their posts ?? would it be weird if i greeted them ?? would it be weird if i didnt?? would it be weird if i gave them a whole story ?? i just completely opted out of making bday stories but now that makes me feel like a nonchalant asshole I SWEAR I CARE I JUST CANT TELL IF WE’RE FRIENDS OR ACQUAINTANCES OR IF YOU SECRETLY HATE ME and i want to get off instagram except for some reason all my class’s announcements are there so i have no choice but to feel like this all the time

[depsidase]

[foxeia]

littlepie.hoian

[weltenwellen]

May Sarton, Journal of a Solitude

[classycookiexo]

[faverinfairy444]

me

[metamorphesque]

— Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anais Nin, Vol. 4: 1944-1947

[lena1980love]

Hard. Being alive is... Hard. What i like about that word is that it names the materiality of feeling. Admits that sadness can accumulate, over time, like plaque on a tooth. In a world that continually stages a distinction between what is real and what is not, hardness is a concession to the reality that just because something happens "in our head" doesn't mean it stops there. How we feel matters. Meaning: it creates matter. It assumes form. Pain has the potential to change the very physicality of the brain. Culture, society, media, language, tradition. They are physical processes. Biological, even.

[borderlinebaby420]

im a failure of a daughter

im a failure of a sister

im a failure of a partner

im a failure of a friend

im a failure of a student

im worthless

[honeypleasejustkillme]

with how life has been going this year, i’m contemplating suicide more than ever before

[lena1980love]

i can physically feel my brain telling me to kill myself all the damn time and it's so fucking draining

[lena1980love]

I've never been free in my whole life. Inside I've always chased myself. I've become intolerable to myself. I live in a lacerating duality. I'm seemingly free, but I'm a prisoner inside of me.

[lena1980love]

oh but it's embarrassing sometimes, when the wanting shows. how I just need someone's hands on mine. how I just want a soft voice to call me out of sleep, somebody to drink coffee with while the sun wakes up. i am so good at being alone until I remember what it's like to be loved and then I am aching all over again.

[remanence-of-love]

[lena1980love]

but how do i explain it to PPL around me. i have zero fucking energy to study, eat, play or literally any fucking thing. I'm not making an excuse to not study

[lena1980love]

the intense urge to cover myself in cuts is so tempting sometimes that I just want to give in

[lena1980love]

I don't feel the love people say they have for me.

In fact, I don't even think it's real,

And I try to pretend it's not real because I always wished I was tougher than i am.

But in reality, I'll never be that tough.

You see, I choke on tears I'm too afraid to feel on my face.

And sometimes I bed the dying sun to give me one more second.

[lena1980love]

sometimes I simply don't want to fight. i want all my intrusive thoughts to win.

[lena1980love]

The very people who have been the reason why I haven't killed myself have been making me feel like I should actually do it recently. But I know if I did it then they will feel guilty for the rest of their life and I don't want them to feel that why. Why I can't be selfish for just one fucking time? Why do I have to keep everyone's feelings before mine? Why do I have to such a doormat? Everything is too much right now. All i want is to be selfish once and finish myself once and for all.

[lena1980love]

Too tired to act like I'm okay. Pretending is too much work and draining af. But I also don't want people to ask me how I am or what's wrong because honestly i want to die more than I ever have but I can't tell them that. They won't understand what it feels like and I hope they never do either. I want them to understand that them just their being here and saying they are here for me and love me or spending a little time with me is more than enough.