(The most accurate shitpost in the holy lands of Tumblr cuz I'm fucking pooping rn.Oh yeah, I've almost forgotten ❗❗VENT❗❗And srry for nazi references:I'm just being an insufferable edgy teen with 4chan humour so I compare everything I do being supervised by my ma to living in a totalitarian country with dictatorship,lololol.)
I mean,I don't even remember when I posted for the last time here but I'm feeling like I need to give to my 2,5 followers (mind you,I include there Cheezebot on 0,5) a clear clarification that I'm going to fade away from the Internet for a while and uninstall most of the socials on this phone since we've become some kind of friends and stuff.
The main reason is my mental health state (again).Can't say that I'm even going through the hard times cuz the only thing which has sipped all the grey matter from my brain was the fact that I needed to pass all the exams in both schools I attended but I've already been through it: there is only one week left before,according to all the laws of my country,I will have gone kicking penises on holidays.Maybe also the recent arrival of Goebbels (the breadwinner of our family and my dad) which has made me think that I made up in my head the half of my problems I had been struggling with cuz he's treated me nicely,had only one drunk fight in the kitchen with Führer (my mom) and even ordered a few half-naked anime chicks out of sudden and without me asking for them which is probably the sign of him accepting my faggotry(?) I have no clue,dude,but at least the old man's dream of discussing women and their curves with the reflection of himself,his child,has come true in some way,lol.Anyway I still can't get rid off the feeling that I'm barely capable of doing anything productive for my soul and enjoyment,especially tied up with speaking to people and somehow supporting any relationships with them T_T
I have completely given up on reading and drawing.My last attempt in scratching some sketches was like a few weeks ago as I feel but honestly I can't say for sure because I regularly fall out of time.Sometimes I confuse not only days of the week but also months.The only hobbies left for the current moment are gaming and math.Played Stalker on my puter for a few hours yesterday.Ended up taking a plot mission from Sidorovich and then running around the map trying not to die from radiation.Bandits are asses - as all the other hostile mobs in the game cuz apparently they can kill me with one shot made with the shittiest gun while I can't kill them with fucking riffle or whatever the fuck it is - I'm rlly weak at recognizing any calibres of weapon.Can't remember what difficulty I've picked up in the start of the game and if there is any difficulty choosing in this game at all.And Minecraft on my phone.I mostly play Minecraft on my phone,yeah.I barely have in my head a goal to build a portal to Neather,and 90% of my gameplay can be described by me just wobbling in the perimeter of a few villages and selling some shit to their nosey residents as I'm on my way of becoming cube-like Rockefeller.But actually,it's lots of fun,especially considering that I've spawned in the dessert :P Can't say much about math: I'm doing some mathematical analysis exercises but in the same time I'm not sure that I'm keeping up with the school program.I'm attending the school with specialisation in languages and literature so you probably understand what level of math we have to deal with,and I'm feeling an absolute dumbass every time I have to pass the exams from this subject.I've already stopped being a teacher's pet for sure,meh.At least every time I do an example right,I'm reassured that my brain hasn't turned into some slop yet,and it comforts me.
Have got the most foolish attempt in history of suicide recently (I don't remember the date of it).Tried to sneak into the chemistry cabinet because my diamond eye had noticed there a box cutter but earlier my classmate had broken the padlock so I failed to go through the layers of school workers who were trying to repair the padlock and the door,had a breakdown in the hall but then had to sit till the end of the school day and do other duties.Told about it to my therapist a few days later.She then demanded to talk with Mein Führer about it in the evening.Before the international call Führer had fucked my brains out because she was sure that her part in this process was only in being the sponsor but they still had a talk and in the current moment are besties,and I'm just a spoiled kid of relatively wealthy parents whose problems are mostly tied up with daddy not buying the iPhone of their favourite colour,tee-hee >_< Feeling upset,honestly: my therapist was the only person who,even if not without some payment,but valued me and my feelings and made me think that I really struggled,meh.Have skipped a few visits due to an illness but I really hope that I'm wrong,and she's gonna feign some empathy towards me further instead of teaching me how to be a good child of my parents and not a brat my mother convinced her I was.
But maybe I'm really a brat.I dunno.I gave up on this Ken & Tommy fanfiction only because I had felt like I was exaggerating everything I had been through.The first part with torture porn descriptions helped me not to bang my head against the wall in the period of time when I'd been really close to do it,but the second where Tommy finds some remorse left in the abyss of his soul and takes care of Ken is just impossible to finish because of me having to take the inspiration from the real life examples of aftermath of my abusers beating up all the shit and soul out of me.I've planned to describe there all my feelings about them suddenly treating me nicely with fear of relapse but now I just doubt if it is something which really has sense and is tied up personally to me.I mean,I was abused - physically,emotionally,psychologically - but sometimes I wonder: was it really a case of abuse and not me just being a sensitive little snowflake who faced the cruel reality of the external world and shat his pants?Is my childhood friend who should have been built a monument for tolerating me an abuser?Is my father,who takes care of me and my whims,an abuser?Is everyone,who,as I convince myself,has hurt me,a terrible person?:0
I don't know.I has attended the psychiatrist with hope that all my "sufferings" would reach their logical conclusion through some diagnosis like C/PTSD in the spectrum of BPD,+ atomic autism but in the end I've just got some default depression and suspicions of OCD.The diagnoses which are equal to a specialist giving an underage patient a hint that they just have nothing better to do in their life except dragging their poor parents to the doctor's office but,of course,they (the doc) don't want to take responsibility if this patient follows the path of Curt Cobain,so:"Look - my patient was mentally ill!It wasn't me,it was them,so blame their parents!!!"
No, I'm not a glazer of any mental illness - I've been fucking studying psychiatry for a while by myself to understand how terrible a life of people dealing with it is.I just want...to have a proof that I'm not a liar.Not a whiney retard who has nothing better to do except rotting in his room instead of getting two educations in different countries,socialising,invading other planets and shit but a person who needs some care, compassion and probably help instead of isolation,control of every step made by him and a domestic Austrian painter dragging behind his corpse so her almost two decades of suffering over a piece of meat and bones are justified by this chalk of meat achieving something and living a happy life.Can't blame mama much: I'm also a bastard for giving her constant headaches because of having to do the bare minimum,but her attachment to me sometimes not even annoys...I just think that it would have been much easier for me if the continuation of my life hadn't been the goal of her entire life and,for example,Führer had another child to live for in case I'm dying (faggot doesn't count,although sometimes she treats him better than me: he wasn't deported from Nazi Germany only because 12 year old me had been dissapointed even by the thought of his ass leaving it,even in spite of him landing the mines all over the apartment...I mean,the borders of Aryan land).
Okay,enough of this whinery written by the hands of a soft Tumblr trans boy.I would like to show some gratitude towards my "buddies" here,if it's possible,and give them (or more to myself) reassurance that I'm not just being out of sudden ignorant to all the kindness they have shown towards me from the start of autumn.I could write it in private but on the other hand not many people follow this blog so there won't be any difference anyway (and Cheezebot,I hope,will also appear to be understanding and respectful).
I want to apologize to Pozole for feeding her my "last Chinese warnings" about the continuation of the fanfiction.I know that, considering the fact that GTA fandom is dead and tiny,every produced piece of media costs like gold,and I was just lying about working at the fic.I really tried to write something but ended up having no motivation or just cringing from the lines I had already scribbled.I'm also kind of frightened to do it because I have a feeling that I've kind of degenerated in English,and my language in next chapters will seem really sloppy.If I have any time and strength,I'll recommence my tries to continue the fic but more because I don't like to leave anything undone and I hope that it'll sparkle some interest in you to continue our friendship.
I've already told ya that you're a really talented artist but I want to add that you're also a wonderful interlocutor and friend.I enjoyed our chatting in the start of September about the franchise,the ships,the problems of the community and other things not even tied up to GTA at all which were also interesting to discuss with ya.It was like finding the person of the same mind in the endless pile of shit (this fandom),where people mostly either produce brainrot content or just spit with homophobia,transphobia,SURPRISINGLY racism and other things of low intelligence everywhere.I'm sorry if in the recent time I behave like a deadbeat father who asks their child about how the school goes when they already attend university.I haven't lost any interest in you as in a person: you're a great one.I've just lost interest in life,TJSJKFKDKFKFJF.
I wish your blog to get more and more popular as the fandom grows,and the fandom to grow at all so you'll have more content with your faggots to drool over.And,of course,to not face anything unpleasant on your life-path,to gain all of your goals and just to feel satisfied and relaxed with all the people surrounding you and all the occupations you choose to sacrifice your time to.Just fuck all the problems balls-deep in the ass,bby 💋💋💋
(And sorry for not being active in the groups on Tik Tok where you're adding me from time to time.It's not because I'm not willing to talk to you - I just don't get how to communicate there with people and where to find a moment to put my word cuz almost all the dudes there speak Spanish,and I'm honestly afraid of all of them OwO)
Considering the fact that we've already developed some kind of bond located in the borders of a Discord's hellhole,I should admit that you're the first relatively close dude to me who hasn't given me any negative experience and made me feel equal during our long-ass dialogues.I'm extremely sorry if I was trauma dumping you too much or even turned your worldview from toes to head with those spooky stories from my life.I hope that you haven't felt like my personal psychologist and I've given you enough of support and attention in return when you needed it.You're the best,dude,I love ya.You're pretty educated in many serious topics so it was heaven to discuss them with ya cuz I knew that I was talking to a person who was aware of many underwater rocks of a certain phenomenon and not a chimpanzee which has a holy pillar of opinions collected from Tik Tok.I hope that soon you'll be fred from some duties and will have more time to draw and just to enjoy your life.Wish you everything the most amazing and I apologize if this paragraph is too short.I hope that it'll appear to your liking since you're a pretty greedy to strong emotions person.Just don't die there,pls♥️♥️♥️
I hope that the upcoming holidays will give me enough of time to return back to living and enjoying some activities.If don't,then it doesn't rlly matter.Gonna return when I'm feeling like I'm ready.Now fuck off.
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