On Wednesday 22nd September 2021 I moved back to Leeds for university. During Freshers Week I started the long process of changing all of my details on all of the background social media and websites I frequent, such as Amazon, tiktok, Twitter etc. I made a new email address, attached it to all of my accounts, and changed up all my passwords for good measure. On my first proper day in uni, I sat on a bench outside and sent one of the most important emails I will ever have to send. I emailed Dr Lorimer at GenderCare with the answers to my '10 questions'. These are a method the gender specialist uses to gain a broad background about you, where you're at in you're transition, and what you're looking to achieve. All I had to do now was wait for a response. On the 1st of October I received a letter from The Laurels - the NHS gender clinic I was referred to by my GP in Cornwall. I knew the Laurels waitlist was 5+ years at this point, hence why I hadn't hesitated to go straight down the private route (thankfully I am lucky enough to be able to afford it, which I'm immensely grateful for). Another wait once again begins, this time for my care to be taken over by the NHS however many years down the line.
7. First GenderCare Consultation
On the 12th of October I had my first appointment with Dr Lorimer via Zoom. I was incredibly happy that I was seen so quickly, only three weeks or so after my enquiry. I was a ball of nerves beforehand, wondering if he would think I "wasn't trans enough" due to my years of repression and enforced doubts from my family. I grabbed a wad of blue tack to keep my hands busy to stop me nervously touching my face or hair on the call, and waited. As soon as Dr Lorimer joined the call my nerves dissipated. He really does look like a super cool uncle that everyone loves! He was friendly, validating, and funny when we discussed things, whilst simultaneously being professional and empathetic to the struggles I had faced. By the end of the call he had confirmed my thoughts, and said I more than qualify for a gender dysphoria diagnosis. After years of being told I wasn't trans, I was confused, and I don't have dysphoria, someone finally sees me for who I am. And not just any old person, a trained, seasoned professional! I nearly cried because I finally felt heard instead of gaslit, and I felt like my struggles were actually real. Breaking news: I am not insane!
On the 28th of September I joined Leeds Barbell Club, home of the universities powerlifters and Olympic weightlifters. It's the first society I've joined in my 4 years in Leeds, and I really felt like I was taking a big leap having not powerlifted or weightlifted properly before aside from doing some machines casually at my local gym. It's been mentally soothing the tension of being pre-transition, I'm building a stronger, more masculine body, whilst taking 2 hour breaks from thinking too deep about my life while I pick up heavy shit and put it back down again. It makes this waiting period easier, because it's a transition and journey all in itself. You start hardly being able to lift the 20kg bar, or able to squat solely with your bodyweight, and you quickly see the 'beginner gains' add up. I also like to tell myself I'm building strong foundations for my body before I start testosterone (wishfully thinking I'm programming myself to gain more muscle once I start T). I know, however, that once I do start T, the real foundations I will have built are a habit of regularly going to the gym and spending 2 hours there at a time, eating enough protein every day, getting enough sleep, and fostering a love for powerlifting as well as my body and what it can do. These are the things that will actually lead me to build muscle once I start hormones.
On Monday the 1st of November my referral letter from Dr. Lorimer arrived. I eagerly rang my doctor's, who essentially told me they hadn't got theirs yet, so to wait for it to come, or email a scan of my copy to them myself. Knowing how slow GP's can be in England I opted for the latter. I sent it over, and waited a couple of days for a response. Nothing. I rang up again to chase it up (whilst on my deathbed from tonsillitis I might add), and explained that I needed a blood test that was outlined in the letter. It definitely helped my cause that the blood test needed to be between days 2 and 8 of the menstrual cycle and my day 1 was due two days before I rang so could be any minute now. She quickly shuffled some appointments around with the doctor's permission to fit me in ASAP, and before I knew it I was booked in for my bloods 2 days later!
On Friday 5th of November I wasn't at the store buying fireworks or toffee apples, I was up early with no food or drink (aside from water, which tastes like ass in the city, I took one sip of and nearly vommed), heading for the doctor's practice. It was a 9:20am fasted sample, and it's normal for me not to eat until lunchtime, but being denied my 2 morning cups of coffee felt blasphemous. I sat alone in an upstairs waiting room surrounded by LGBTQ+ friendly posters. It felt a bit like I'd been sent to the trans waiting room instead of the regular one 😭. Once in the appointment the nurse asked if I was okay with blood tests, to which I replied "well I don't exactly LIKE them". I'm fucking terrified of needles, I cannot look at allll when I get an injection or blood test or I'll feel all funny. And people still think I'd CHOOSE to be trans, where I may possibly require injections for the rest of my life (if I decide against gel). I stared aggressively at the wall opposite the nurse and waited for the "little scratch". She told me at this point that they would "actually need to collect a few samples", I thought she was telling me I'd have to have MULTIPLE blood tests back to back... But turns out I'm dumb and she just screwed on a few different vials to collect more than 1 sample of blood. In the end she took five vials of blood and ordered me to go to the shop and get some food before my lecture so I didn't immediately just pass out. I dropped my vials off in the sample collection point and I knew I'd just jumped through another hoop on my journey.
I originally enquired with Dr. Seal for my endocrinology appointment, but seeing his waitlist was full until July really put me off. I had already waited for 5 years, I didn't want to have to wait until another summer to finally be who I am! When trawling the list of other endo doctors on the GenderCare website I noticed Dr Hammond seemed good, and was only a 30 minute train journey from Leeds. After 10+ back and forth emails between his assistant and I, my appointment was finally booked. 11:20am on Friday the 17th of December. It was the last one they had available in person before Christmas Eve, and I was to be going home for Christmas on the 18th of December so it was perfect! A Christmas miracle in fact. I had set this goal of getting my endo appointment before Christmas as soon as I had confirmed my initial consultation with Dr. Lorimer, but the delay in his referral letter arriving and getting my blood test booked meant I was starting to lose hope, but I had just about managed it! Well, I HAD managed it... Until I got a very unwelcome letter through my door to say my appointment had been cancelled and rescheduled to the 20th of December at 11:10am. An appointment that I couldn't make as I would be traveling home to spend Christmas at the other end of the country. My day was completely fucking ruined. Well it was until I finally managed to get through to the outpatient appointments department at the hospital and convince the lady on the other end to convert my appointment to a video call instead of in-person meeting. She agreed on the condition that I would get the go ahead from Dr. Hammond's assistant. After a quick email, he replied quickly and agreed that due to the fact that Dr. Hammond had cancelled on me, and the circumstances around me traveling home were unfortunate, they would allow it to be a video call! My appointment is due to be at the same time as my train from London to Cornwall, so it'll definitely be... Interesting to say the least. I'll have my noise cancelling headphones on and hopefully won't lose signal! But that's it, my appointment is booked and hopefully I'll be on testosterone in or before the New Year. 2022 is gonna be my year 😼
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