sometimes i wish i could believe in a god and have faith in something bigger than me, but no matter how hard i try i just can’t find the belief. i don’t believe there is a god, or a higher power for that matter. i simply believe humans sought something to answer the difficult questions, someone to blame and someone to carry their sins. the human mind strives for answers as much as it strives for purpose and therefore it was created.
but there is no other purpose than the one we create for ourselves, and i find myself not lost in purpose but lacking in something to believe in. something that guarantees a happy ending, an end to all of humanity’s endless greed and cruelty.
i find myself scared of not being able to believe, scared that i can’t believe in anything other than myself and my own two hands. i am the reason why i do and don’t do. not a higher being that dictates right from wrong. i decide that.
i guess there might be some kind of comfort in that as well. but hope fluctuates heavily and there is no anchor to keep it steady, as a god might be and is to some, stubbornness and a belief in myself doesn’t keep it steady. listless and angry and sad is what it gives and keeps on giving.
there is a pain in my chest, in my lungs, that squeezes and makes air difficult to breathe. there is a stinging in my eyes that blurs my vision and transforms the world into an abstract landscape of watercolor. there is a shakiness in my hands and a chill in my bones that permeates the heat my body naturally creates.
there is no god. not one i am able to believe in. no matter how much i may strive for that all consuming faith and belief in something grander and stronger than myself. no matter how much i may strive for closeness and comfort.
maybe i’m simply lonely. maybe all hope is lost in the world. the earth won’t stop spinning even if lives are lost or if humanity kills all organisms and makes the world a nuclear dessert. time won’t stop. just the heartbeats and maybe then there won’t be no need for faith, and i won’t have to have that pain in my chest again.
