Oh! La Petite Fille!

Welcome to my addictions

[lepetitemooner]

Opiates have made me

Able to function normally and now I know why. It is the closest thing I have to a cure to my exhaustion and inability to get normal rest. Why should I give that up?

[lepetitemooner]

I found out today I have narcolepsy, and to have it officially confirmed I am going to be going to a sleep clinic in 12 weeks.

[lepetitemooner]

Nodding Off

That feeling when the day passes by, and my heart is unburdened, and for the first time in a long time the nightmares stop when I drift off, and sleep comes peacefully. 

I’ve probably used 2-3 cents per shot, my biggest one today probably being around 5 cents, and I’ve been in and out of consciousness like malfunctioning wiring to the flickering light in a room. I knew I wouldn’t need much after detoxing for this amount of time, and the poison I’ve been feeding my arms with, has got me back to the person I’ve learned is my better self this last year.

Everytime I push in the plunger, I feel how it removes the heaviness from my body, starting with my wrist, and working up my arm. The moment it enters my heart, it becomes instantaneous, no more depression or anxiety, worries being drowned, and the general feeling of well-being spread to my entire body. Never has a poisonous cocktail felt so good, reverberating through every fiber of my being. The thoughts of suicide like a distant memory when just yesterday the dark side of me was screaming for never-ending sleep. 

The loneliness has left, I feel loved. My father printed off a paper for Simon and I to read at the beginning of the year, and I’m reminded of it for some reason, maybe the fact that I don’t feel alone anymore, despite not having any human contact today. I’ll leave it in the link below.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/the-real-cause-of-addicti_b_6506936.html

I know this is my connection to the world, this drug is my only support system, the only way I can be okay. To others it might look like an excuse to be a junkie. To some who have been there through my life, they’ll understand that I get no help from what’s supposed to be the best support system, no one has ever let me use their shoulder, or let me borrow their ear, hasn’t brought me food or water while bed-ridden, or even come in to check on me but instead came to bitch me out for trying to recover, how I’m lazy and I am ruining the room I’m staying in. No words of sympathy from a family who expects me to recover from addiction in a day or two instead of the weeks of suffering I have to endure.

It’s sad, because I really wanted to get clean this time around. And once again my family abandoned me when I really needed them, the only words being spoken to me is about how I am a huge fuck up and they regret letting me detox here, because their precious blanket is dirty and obviously can’t be washed, and the room I’m staying in smells terrible and there is no way it could possibly fixed. “$80 down the drain, you and your cats have completely ruined the guest bedroom. I can’t believe how terrible it smells in here,”

Any argument is wasted. They want me to be clean, but they won’t help me recover, only make me feel like I shouldn’t exist because I ruin everything nice in their life. That is my family, my “support”. I don’t care what they think anymore, no need to pretend like their opinions matter when they are the most close-minded people I know. They are self-absorbed in their own petty issues. To think if they had checked up on me once in this room today, that they could’ve easily seen that I’m on drugs again, yet they don’t even bother.

[lepetitemooner]

Simon dropped off a present for me last night <3 Can finally eat, and get shit done. Oh how I missed feeling well. My stomach and intestines have been inflamed since I quit two weeks ago, and I’ve lost so much weight that my bones can be seen again.

I probably have enough to last me through the day, and if I conserve then through tomorrow as well. Wish I had some clear though. I’ll hopefully have a new place to live in a couple weeks, back with Simon, and his idiot older brother. I hate being without my boyfriend, it’s hard to be alone all the time.

[lepetitemooner]

Anxiety seeps out of my pores; insomnia takes over (Can someone please clean the blood in my veins?) Temptation lies within these walls; there's no exit, I am confined No matter how far I run, I can't escape I am broken; I've tried to forget what I've lost without all these drugs But I need them by my side to get through the night--I can't do this on my own. I'm so gone--you're all the same Distinguish my arms and not my name I'm sharpening the only thing that brings me hope Reopening the scars--I don't want them to heal Where has all my medicine gone? My medicine gone? My medicine gone? (I don't want to feel anymore, where is my antidote?) I'm slowly dying and there's nothing you can do to bring me back Bring me back! Bring me back! (From this intoxicating nightmare) And I'm hypnotizing anyone that tries to keep me from this drug From this drug! From this drug! (So they know I'm the victim not the cause) Society sleeps while I'm awake in a cold sweat; my bones ache Ignoring the signs, I'm out of time I have nothing left! This addiction has gone too far I can't be saved. I get the feeling I'll never be satisfied What will it take to just be happy again? When everything's perfect is it really worth it to come down from this high? Should I sell my soul or make amends? Should I try to be something that I'm not, and remember all the faith that I forgot?

[lepetitemooner]

I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone I long for that feeling to not feel at all The higher I get, the lower I'll sink I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.

Bring Me the Horizon - Can You Feel My Heart

[lepetitemooner]

The Beginning of the End

I am a heroin addict. It's not as simple as that, but let's just stick to basics for now. Everyday I realize how different my drug of choice compares to how people perceptive it. I have struggled with a lot of things, but addiction to a single drug has never been an issue. I've had cocaine and fell asleep 10 minutes later, smoked weed before it was legalized in my state, had my first taste of alcohol at age 8, done shrooms and my mind was blown while seeing native americans dancing in the wood of my dressers and the ceiling shimmer like water. I tried meth and it calmed me down, helped me to focus, and got onto adderal after finding out I had ADD. No wonder I skipped class after class at school, I could never focus, but could always ace any test, knowing the material or not. My parents were surprised I graduated, I wasn't. I know I'm smarter than most which has made it hard to connect with people, especially when they can be so devious and I can see them scheming from miles away.

I'm not exactly sure why I decided to start blogging, maybe it's because I can be fairly anonymous while making some sort of connection to something out there. I guess I need a new way to connect since I've finally gotten over the hell of detox, or so I hope. I'm set with some anxiety meds, pain killers, and my family's knowledge of my addiction. Which reminds me, apparently they think because I came home to get well without my boyfriend, that it means we've broken up. Which makes me want to go get some more of that sweet black in my system. Maybe I just need to document my struggles of getting clean, or relapsing, or whatever happens. Maybe that's what this blog is about.

Last week, my boyfriend who I will call Simon, and I were sleeping out in our little car down the street from my parents house, in freezing weather, trying to keep warm in the back seat and weigh our options. Suicide looked like the best option, but we had dealers habits, and would need at least an 8-ball to OD, and no longer had a way to obtain it. The whole next day is a blur since I was barely awake, just enough to take a shot and conk out again.

I remember Simon waking me up, crying about how we have no one who loves us or cares enough to help us out. We don't have families who care, and that he was going to inject the methadone, and I should do it too. I reminded him of our kittens at my parents house and how they needed us badly. He had been up for hours, but I had been in a near comatose state, most likely thanks to the numbing cold. When I finally woke up, I drove us, while sick to our dealers to score, while he talked to his step mom about everything he felt.

She invited us to her apartment afterwards, and we gladly went. We ended up detoxing partially there. Day 3 was the worst, and we ended up leaving to get a bag. The pain was excruciating despite the best bed I've ever slept in, and coupling with that the imminent vomiting, made for restless days and nights of pure hell. The relief I had when I got a big enough shot made me well enough to eat, drink, dance, conquer the world if I so choose. Then the downfall of having our parents wanting to pick us up and detox at home when they learned of our plans to quit. I had Simon take me to the doctor to get anxiety medicine, which ended up being hydroxyzine. Little did I know before some multi-faceted research that it has a history of treating opiod withdrawal

That has made sleep possible the last few days, made it so I can breath without the monster in me creeping up to my throat and telling Simon the words "I need more heroin, come pick me up and we're getting a bag right now. We'll figure out the details when we meet." After all, we had stayed high together for a whole year, with out jobs among other things. I'm still thinking about somehow getting a bag when we met today to do my foodstamps interview over the phone.

On a different note, somewhat related, I've been obsessed with the album Acceptance Speech by Dance Gavin Dance. Especially the songs; Jesus H. Macy, The Robot with Human Hair pt. 4, Strawberry Swisher pt. III, and finally Death of the Robot With Human Hair. Lyrics are posted below. If you wanna listen to them, simply look them up on youtube.

Jesus H. Macy What are we to ever do, my mind is lead and you're a wall The lions den of I'm akin, to sleeping late and eating wrong Well If I ever got it straight, I think id bend at every pause The action leaking out my face, from breathing paint to missing calls Well I'm the sugar-coated tooth, and I have come to ruin your mood While staring at the frozen foot, I realized I'm stupid too Well Farming isn't fun at all, and I will build a thousand malls And eat the food courts flesh, from every single city Before you ask what you think you want to know Take a look at my face and how far you think I'll go Because I've had it up to here for the 37th time this year And I've kept it bottled down But not this time, not here Cause I'm fucking on one Shave it out, you need a break from hair Coming out bald, I'm the eagle in the air With the big ass braids and the folding chair Just shave it out, you need a break from hair I feel the marrow in my bones Heart is beating, heavy breathing Can't stop it when I'm in my zone Blood is colder It's taking over Set it up, cover the plans, record everyone, make demands Positional strategy, split was disastrous, flanking the siege You've seen me arrive, shed my disguise I thought you wanted to, I thought you wanted to Keep it alive, fight to survive I thought you wanted to I thought you wanted to Bit by bit I recover from this Cleanse my palette and validate my gifts Little by little, remove myself from the middle Stick to the man till they bones is brittle, aware?

The Robot with Human Hair pt. 4 Back to sloth and sleeping binges Self defeating outburst, cringes Thoughts gets rusty, creaky hinges Lost that box of clean syringes Stuck to the ceiling I'm in view Can't shake the notion I'm becoming you The look from above same as below Sign up for high, free dose of low The Jig is up, I'm the one Manipulate the ones I love Light my path, reveal the beacon Where's my balance Can't stop thinking Stop I wear soul on my sleeve at night Searching for substance I lose control of my autonomic mind Waiting for the impulse And I saw the rage burning in your eyes Your thoughts intangible Follow me down, we'll get paralyzed Around the winding road Hang on, hang on Don't lose composure now Hang on hang on Feed into the miracle Don't be fucking cynical Hang on, hang on Don't lose composure now Hang on hang on Girl don't be so difficult Come here let's get physical Sinus pressure Getting older I like weight upon my shoulders Here I live inside this cd Tell your friends he's super creepy Weirded out A simple human confused by words arrange and move them into spaces no apparent meaning eat this song your ears are greedy Cut out this conversation, desperation, now losing admiration, holding onto accidents What have I done, what have I done? That calls for your attention? What have I done? What have I done? That keeps you hanging on? I can turn it off again I can smile on a whim I can make believe in him The function in the algorithm

Strawberry Swisher pt III I was raised to believe All that I read Fall in line with me It's all, all that I see Got a box of lies Gonna get you high With the words of wisdom that you need to hear Got a big ass book And I'm not a crook But ill take your guilt in the form of dollars Fall in line with me It's all that see What I believe Its all that Keep my fingers crossed I wanna be somewhere that I belong Never fold under pressure Keep my fingers crossed I wanna be somewhere that belong Never mind how I got there

Death of the Robot with Human Hair You won't realize it's over Til you slip into unconsciousness And the moment takes over Swallow your pride my soldiers And embrace your abilities Let your new mind take over I take a bow Listen to the crowd My survival is all I think about now It's for the best We'll cure the helpless Our survival is all we'll think about now Hush now don't you cry Everything will be just fine His self-repairing skeleton Cyborg man's computer blood Programming immunity Alpha being His knowledge expands exponentially As he rapidly evolves at infinitum Deleting diseases, cut and sever Cells and metal blend together Replicating, assimilating, science and biology The Death of the robot, the birth of him, all at once (one by one) we will become him Make this mother fucker golden Make this mother fucker holy Level up his brain, in the fast lane Make this being Holy Put him through the tests, inspections Make this mother fucker holy Make this mother fucker golden Make this mother fucker holy In future utopias, alpha hybrids evolve, Into progressive societies, worship efficiency Technology makes me pray to logic And science makes us strong We rape the ignorance of man Prepare the arrival Right on time He arrives Alleviate the symptoms from A toxic society We praise the future

[hayleywilsonmusic]

[lepetitemooner]

Either I really do look 17, or 17 year old boys have the habit of trying to ask me out on dates. "You be jailbait"

[girlbehindthisblog-deactivated2]

I’m used to people giving up on me and getting tired. Nothing’s new.

[i-was-kaguramutsuki-deactivated]

shoutout to those random peacocks you find in places that are probably unsuitable for a peacock to inhabit in the first place

[gaydicks420-deactivated20150829]

what the fuck kinds of lives are you guys leading. i’ve never seen a peacock in my life. where are u guys finding them.

[lepetitemooner]

Up the mountain in my friend's back yard.

[theseoldwings]

Let this be the year I stop chasing those who can’t be bothered to make an effort towards me.

[halseycon]

[thisisjustgreat-deactivated2020]

PARTY LIKE THE PAST TWELVE MONTHS WEREN’T EMOTIONALLY CRIPPLING

[lepetitemooner]

I am erratic as fuck and time is irrelevant.

[lepetitemooner]

Life is so ridiculously hard to start. I'm over here going the fuck do I do to obtain a life?

[lepetitemooner]

When I was about 16 I got a tumor in my left arm removed. When I was 18 I found out I have an abnormal lump of some type of tumor/cyst in an inoperable part of my brain. Now I'm 21, and I have a lump in my side. At this point I'm scared to get checked out because its possible I might have cancer and I don't want to know if I'm dying.