This is just something kind of short I just finished! Dear Evan Hansen, and it's sad. Please be warned! Trigger warnings: suicide, suicide mention, self hatred, suicide attempt, swearing, detailed-ish description of how Evan would like to die, 'just die' repeated Please be safe! Type: headcanon Evan/Connor used to be friends when they were little/Evan Hansens suicide attempt from DEH. Enjoy! Evan remembered this place. He placed his hand on the trunk of the huge pine tree, thinking back to all the memories that this tree held. One specific memory stood out in his head, on a warm day in maybe early June, or was it late May? Either way, it was a beautiful day, around 2005, and he and his then best friend, Connor Murphy had both met up at the park down the street from their houses, with their families so they could have a play date. 'C'mon Evan! The swings are open now, we can both swing together!' 'Ok Connor! Hey wait up!' Said Evan, looking at Connor who had already started swinging, an empty one right next to him, and clambered on, trying to catch up to Connor who's already soaring. 'I can see everything from up here! Hey mom!' Connor called, towards a woman sitting on a bench, talking to Evans mom. She looked over and smiled. 'Hi sweetie! Wow look you're so high!' 'I know mom! Mom watch me!' And Connor jumped off the swing set with exceptional skill, and Evan stopped swinging and looked at Connor, jaw dropped. Connor glanced at him, and gave him a weird look. 'What're you looking at, Evan?' 'I have the coolest best friend on this entire Earth.' Uttered Evan, and Connor gave him a grin, one of his front teeth missing, another loose. Connor glanced over Evans shoulder, and his grin widened even more, if that was possible, and he whispered to Evan, trying to be discreet, 'Hey wanna go to the trees? I know we shouldn't but look at how tall they are!! And don't you like trees Evan?' It was true, Evan did like trees, but he loved nature in general. To his 7 year old mind this seemed perfect, and so he nodded excitedly to Connor. 'Ok I'll be right back in like .2 seconds!!' Connor said, zipping over to his mom, and telling her something. Before Connor came back over, he pressed a kiss to his 4-year old sisters head, and came rushing back over. 'I told my mom that we're going to the big boy park, with the big slides, and that we'd be back in a couple of minutes. So c'mon lets go!!' Connor took Evans hand, and although Evan started blushing, they both sprinted over to the edge of the tiny forest next to the park, and stopped at the tallest one. It was a beautiful pine, swaying in the slight breeze. Connor was the first to start climbing, giggling to himself, and then ushering Evan to climb too, 'Cmon Evan! We gotta get to the top! Imagine how far we can see!' This got Evan excited, so he started climbing as well, and for the next 10 minutes as they made their way up the tree, all you could hear was Evan and Connor catching their breath and laughing, full of giddiness. Finally they got to a tall enough, and long enough branch that they could both sit and basically see everywhere in the vicinity. They both caught their breath, and then Connor hugged Evan, hard, and long. 'Thanks for being my friend Evan.' 'Yeah Connor! You're an amazing friend!' Evan replied, looking over at Connor, the sun shining on his red face. They stayed pretty quiet for the next about 20 minutes, just admiring the view, when the sun finally started setting, and they were both getting cold from the wind, which had picked up considerably. 'I think we should probably get back, my mom will be mad if I get sick.' Said Evan, and Connor nodded. 'You should probably go down first, Connor.' Evan knew he would take longer to get down, getting up the tree was easy but getting back down? Different story. And so Connor started climbing back down, and Evan started 5 minutes later. 15 minutes later, they were both on the ground. They started walking back when suddenly Connor tripped over an upturned tree root, chin slamming into the ground. It happened fast, and by the time Connor had sat up, he wasn't crying, to Evans delight. He didn't know how he could deal with his friend crying. He was actually smiling, and Evan saw that he was missing yet another tooth, and holding something in his hand. It was the tooth. 'I told my mom that it was loose!! I can't wait to show her that I lost my tooth, the tooth fairy will definitely be visiting tonight!' And Connor made kind of a 'whoop!' noise. And they both headed back to their parents. A breeze blew up Evans spine, suddenly bringing himself out of his head. Reminding him that he was no longer 7. No longer happy, like that little boy used to be. It's like they were two separate people. And they came here for two different purposes. Young him, just wanted to admire the view, but now all he wanted to do was experience the feeling of his body slamming against the cold hard ground. Yeah...very different purposes. Evan was shaking, and not because of the cold. Was he really going to do this? What about his mom? 'No. Evan. You know she'd be better off, because with you gone she won't have to work two jobs so you can get therapy. It's because you're a fuck up, and the only way to ease your mom's stress is to die. Just die just die just die just die jUST DIE.' Evan wiped a tear that had escaped his eye, and had started rolling down his cheek. The note he had written was under his pillow in his room, at home. He had gotten to hug his mom one last time. In the note he said over and over his mom couldn't of done anything to prevent it, and that he loved her. And so Evan took a shaky breath, and started climbing the tree. It was harder now that he was bigger, but he made it up nevertheless, and sat on the branch, looking over the treetops and roofs of houses. He could see his house from here. His mom should be coming home from work in the next 15 minutes, so he better get to it, so there's no chance he'll live. He wouldn't know what to do if he didn't succeed. 'You're not even smart enough to kill yourself, you know? Lets see you fuck this up, yeah? That'll be something. Stupid little Evan Hansen to fucking stupid to even figure out how to jump off a fucking tree and die.' There really was no going back now. Evan was all he way up here, and getting down wouldn't be that hard if he took the easy way. Nobody loved him. Nobody cared. The world had passed him by. Evan shuffled a couple inches further,he was starting to teeter forward, facing towards the ground. 'It will be over quick all you have to do is let go, Evan. Just let go. All you need to do is let go and then it's over. ' All of this would be over in a couple minutes. And besides, his mom must have been home by now, and realized he wasn't there. And probably was getting worried now. 'Just let go.' Evan released his grip from the branch, and started to fall.
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