Something Better

I'm not a cry for help; I am a poet. Do not misinterpret that. This blog is dedicated to my poetry, short stories, and the words of others I like.

[lets-look-for-something-better]

A story in three parts.

These were written years apart, the first about 4 years ago now and the last few days ago. It gets easier, each time. The emotions aren't less severe, the water isn't any less cold and painful, but you are better able to handle it because you know what to do.

Let's keep our head above water. Let's keep moving forward. Let's look for something better.

[lets-look-for-something-better]

It Will Hurt

It will hurt driving past your street Looking at the signs approaching Every time I drive to and from work. Remembering the turns by heart The layout of the parking lot And the steps to your front door. It will hurt to wear that t-shirt Matching yours, bought together As we saw those bands live It will hurt walking into my own room And looking at the things from you Staring back with no warmth Playing the games we started Listening to the books you shared Everything amplifying your loss I'll be okay, I know. I'll live. Time will heal the wounds for me Just as it will, I know, for you. But it will still hurt. Damn it all, it will still hurt.

[lets-look-for-something-better]

I'm like the dog you adopt from the pound

The one everyone warns you is difficult

High energy, needy, overly affectionate.

But you saw me, small and pathetic and cute

And you decided I couldn't be that bad.

Six months later we are back at the pound

As I watch you close the cage door and turn

Telling the staff you understand,

That at this rate, there is only one step left for me

As they begin to prepare the needle.

You thought you could handle a high energy pup

You promised you understood what that meant,

And I believed maybe, this time, it was true.

Joke's on me, again you will walk away okay

As I sit in my cage alone once more.

[lets-look-for-something-better]

Dark Room

I hate being in this room with you Speaking words of light at your back Trying so hard to illuminate

You sit and let it fall back into darkness

I’m afraid of the dark You know that I am, I’ve told you And when I did, you said you understood That you would not force me to face it alone

It’s the brightest our room has ever been I fear the brightest it ever will be

I hate being in this room with you Because I know how easy it would be To let the smallest amount of light slip Parting your lips, even just a little bit, So that I wasn’t trying to brighten this room alone

But you won’t. And I can’t stay in this dark room any more.

[lets-look-for-something-better]

Tidal Waves and Trashcan Lids

The wave of force is harrowing Trying to bury me alive An avalanche of my own making

As I struggle to stay afloat Keep my head above water

Pushing back against the flames Licking my arms and legs Sensually, angrily, hungrily Whispering sweet somethings to me

Am I enough? Am I too much?

Tidal waves and trashcan lids Duct tape on fault lines As I hold onto the blame Of the disaster I have created

[lets-look-for-something-better]

I need to make sure it's real these feelings you conjure up

because I've been fooled before.

My heart screams it is in love simply because you smiled at me once and we shared a flirty joke.

I put you on an emotional pedistal while I was blinded by the mist of my blood painting everything the same rose

as the glasses I wear when looking at you.

I need to make sure it's real because you don't deserve false affection and I don't deserve to be hurt again.

So let's not make the same mistake.

[lets-look-for-something-better]

"Everything is coming to an end if we don't stop this," he said earnestly.

She shrugged, still slumped on the rock. "It had to end sometime."

"Is that what you want."

"I don't know." She turned and looked at him, a tiredness in her face that reached back years. "Do I get to stop fighting if it does?"

[lets-look-for-something-better]

You're a bad idea, Oh I know it

Intoxicate my air And I show it

Lost inside your eyes When I blow it

Your body takes me Now I owe it

Watch my life shatter As I throw it

Away all for you So let's slow it

You're a bad idea Yeah, I know it

So why won't I stop chasing you?

[lets-look-for-something-better]

Always the savior, never the saved

Always the trouble, never behaved

Expendable life, no one dismayed

Always the savior, never the saved

Stand up and fight, kneel down and pray

Lay down and die, deep breath and stay

Nobody can take your pain away

Stand up and fight, kneel down and pray

Detestable gift, you are betrayed

You're hated and scorned, obscurely fade

Into the darkness, your soul is weighed

Always the savior, never the saved.

[lets-look-for-something-better]

The most difficult part for me, I think, Is knowing I am not afforded the same grace.

You can get upset. You can go radio silent. Hell, some of you can even blow up at us Spewing righteous indignation and anger wildly And all is simply forgiven and moved on afterwards Because you all struggle with the 'bad brain days'.

But if I do any of these things, it's suspect. If I even get snippy, I'm losing control at you If I raise or lower my voice I'm trying to intimidate And that's assuming my bad days are even mentioned.

If you are all allowed to be imperfect and beautiful I am expected to be ugly without flaws, then.

It's fine, I don't need your pity or your charity Disregard me, paint me as whatever you like. I'll bide my time, take my hits, and move on.

If no one will care for me I'll do it myself Just like before. Just like always. Just me.

[lets-look-for-something-better]

Am I Losing It?

I know the paranoia isn't real, of course That it's my own brain working against me. I know I'll have to fight with this same feeling For the rest of my life, with no respite. No cure.

But with how often I've been right, When something feels wrong How am I possibly supposed to ignore it?

Are you burning me right now? I'd ask you, but we both know you'd lie.

So I'll save us the trouble and just back away.

It's not fair for me to keep doing this Looking at every word like a cypher.

Warring against the part of me screaming Saying to run, saying to fight, to get angry While you act in total disregard towards me.

Am I losing it? Am I going crazy? Or are you once again pulling the strings Making everyone dance to your on story Then leaving me to rot in my own anxiety?

[lets-look-for-something-better]

Empty pages stare at me mockingly Taunting me with words I can't write The pull of sleep too strong to ignore A taste of death, lacking commitment...

Perhaps that is why I sleep so much

The stories in my head are less vibrant Sharp words have lost their edge I start to wonder, did I ever truly have it?

Another lie, perhaps, a sweeter one

Come to me, oh sleep, oh taste of death And let me fantasize in you once more

This time I'll awake ready to escape

This time I'll say those words without lying

This time I'll lie to myself again

[lets-look-for-something-better]

I smile and laugh,

And despite the year and a half,

My fingers still move on their own

To share the joy with you

To hear your laugh, see your smile, again.

The reminder of you is enough to stop me

And my smile falters, just a bit,

Because I know you won't respond any more.

I never knew laughing alone could be so sad.

[poetry-of-soul]

Because I loved you

I found out how strong I am

But all I really wanted

Was to feel safe

[lets-look-for-something-better]

Fun With Words

It’s rare we say what’s on our mind,

Like leaving this crappy story behind

Taking a vacation with grippy socks

And if you think you hear something, be sure to knock

It’s a long way down, but the stop is short

Hey mom, am I too late to abort?

Down the river is the fastest way

To get to the other side later today

Surrounded by shit, it’s a sewer slide

And I think I’m ready to get off this ride

All these words we’ve said before

To hide that I don’t want to be here anymore.

[lets-look-for-something-better]

And it was there, lying broken on the ground, licking your own wounds, that you developed a taste for blood.

[lets-look-for-something-better]

I keep a spare length of rope back in my closet

There in case I ever need it

And a crossbeam in the ceiling where I lost it

For everything that I regret

And I will admit now that we're on the topic

Emotional loans, my free debt

Default as I hang by the strings like a puppet

So say again how you love it