Sometimes thought of as an "other" Like anyone and everyone, i don't fit into neat little categorizations. i'm a lot of things. But i think i'm most easily defined as an "other."
Went up north for the weekend. It was a quick two hour drive from work (an hour longer than my commute). At one point, for the first time, maybe in a long time or ever, I had a sense of that I was going home. The box is still an extremely rustic place, and small. But in the morning he had texted to ask if there was anything I wanted from the grocery store. I knew that he was excited to see me and that he’d have a fire going and it would be warm.
On Saturday, we hiked a favorite mountain before the rain rolled in. We kept cozy in the box with a fire, and played cribbage and Rummikub. Had a dinner date. Today in the morning he gifted me some of my unwon cribbage wager, then went to breakfast. Afterwards, we walked along a pond on a rail trail and came across a free library. In the library was a book on the world’s religions, which helped us to kick off our spiritual Sundays.
We walked the property. A lot of trees had fallen in the years since I had last been up there. But also, it amazes me how well I still know the place.
We talked lots about my mother situation. We talked also about The Lad’s upcoming cross country road trip. He sent me home with a tire repair kit and a book on Jung for The Lad, as well as advice to have a sturdy knife for protection.
It’s been a month. A lot of conversations both in person and on FaceTime with a lot of reflections. Some of the conversations have been emotional with tears and tight chests. Some have brought up some difficult and painful things to remember. I see a lot of ways in which Mr. [Former] Mister has transformed. One way: in the mornings following some of our heavier conversations, he usually sends a text that is of compassion and understanding for what we had been talking about, but also how he intends to do better.
In some ways, as hard as the 3years, 7+ months were, I am glad it happened. We both managed our lives and put one foot in front of the other. But the space gave us some perspectives we couldn’t have had. Now it feels so much better to share and have our conversations once more.
Not sure exactly how we’re going to get where we’re going, just that we will get there… eventually
I wasn’t counting but that’s how long it took for Mr. Former Mister to finally reach out to give me an explanation. It also came with an apology… and a confession.
His reappearance was mystifying. Why now? He responded that he had known for a long while. Once he stopped feeling angry, there was still love, still a strong pull towards life with me. He had attempted with another woman, but he couldn’t do it. He was convinced I was his person and he was mine. He was prepared for my rejection. He understood so much time had passed and so much pain was felt. He knew he had been an asshole, a shit head. But he decided he had to try.
We sparred through emails. He shared a lot of his thoughts. Yes, he caused me pain, not just in his leaving but in the before in how he communicated, or couldn’t. But I also caused him pain. I reread my journals, my text posts here. Through all of my readings, in all of my words the thru-line was that I was seeking to understand him bc I still loved/love him.
I could not shut him out. I know many would, especially after 3 years, 7 months, 11 days. I wanted to hear his words. I wanted answers.
We had a volley of emails. I told him that I would not allow for texting or calls. I needed to be able to have a bit of control over access to me. During the work week, he kept his emails to before and after business hours.
And then we got to the point where a conversation would be more expedient. So, we met up almost half way. We went to a sculpture park, where we could walk and talk outside. We got to this point with a vista, and I gave him the business ledger from his first year of the company. That was where I ended up writing a letter to him, about a year after he left. That letter said a lot bc it was examining possible reasons why he left, but also examining my own contribution to his departure.
We both cried at points. I didn’t feel like he was manipulating me or angling to get back into my good graces, back to the good life. He expressed an understanding that trust had been broken. He knew the possibility that it might not be able to be repaired, or that if repair was possible, it would take a long time, with a lot of effort. He confessed he wanted to try. He hopes to start new.
We talked about how we would need to set up parameters/boundaries for some of our more difficult/challenging conversations/disagreements.
He asked me out to lunch.
He looked at me with so, so much love. He said he had been so nervous. He looked at my hands, turning them over and gently stroking them. He touched my hair and looked into my eyes and into my face, as if he couldn’t believe I was right there in front of him. His eyes were clear and kind. He seemed lighter. He was happy engaging with others (the guy in the exhibit space, and the waitress)). I really did not get any sense that this was some play or some angle. It felt incredibly genuine.
Yes, it has been been 3 years years, 7 months, and 11 days. But I think it had been necessary. It also felt like like no time had passed. We talked about a project he’s been working on for almost 3 years and he was sure I knew about it because in his head and his heart he had still been talking to me in someway.
We walked back to his truck after lunch, he unlocked the passenger side door, and we kissed. Even writing that I feel the tingle and the excitement. Back at my car, we lingered. Still not quite wanting the afternoon to end. He said he was going down to his mom and dad‘s to wish his dad a happy birthday. He wondered if we could go see a movie together because he hasn’t seen any in three years. We agreed to meet up for the 7:10pm show of “Project Hail Mary”. We shared candy and popcorn and held hands. I loved feeling his meaty, rough hands. I loved smelling his smell. Throughout the movie, he’d look over at me and when I would glance over at him, he was smiling, eyes twinkling.
When we had left the sculpture park, I sent him back with my previous journal to read. It was a risk, but I wanted him to know. I needed him to know how much pain he caused me. In the morning he emailed asking to see me one more time because he wanted to share some of his thoughts on what he read. My stomach clenched a bit, anticipating negative feelings.
We met at the bird sanctuary, we had a long walk about and did more talking. He admitted that after reading the journal he wanted to respond and defend himself. “But,” he said “I realise that you wrote all that during a really painful time and you had nothing from me. You were processing really difficult things and feelings, all because of me and the choices I made. I’m sorry for the pain I caused you.” There was nothing more he wanted to say, just that he would talk more about it as things came up in conversations.
I shared with him some of what my council’s reactions have been. They’re supportive but not positive, if that makes any sense. They’re worried he will cause me pain again. I know. My friend said she thinks I wrapped up more of myself in him than I realise. It stings. I asked myself did I?
I don’t know what will come for us. I know that right now we have certain buffers or barriers. And I think that that’s good. Yesterday we even talked that we can embrace the possibility that as we attempt to rebuild, we may discover that it isn’t for us that it’s just not possible. But we vow to not walk out.
My friend pointed out that I was more open with Mr Former Mister than I was with my cousin when it was Mr Former Mister who would hurt me more. I get it. My heart wants this with him. It never stopped wanting it with him.
I have to try.
Love is my superpower … and my weakness.
He is not asking to move back in. Nor is he asking me to move in with him. He wants to be more established in his financial position. He is happy to hear that I’m working in a better place that affords me a good life. He wants to get himself to be more of an equal partner financially.
In the meantime, we’re going to rebuild trust. We’ve got to restore our foundation and shore up parts of the structure. We’re probably going to have to move some shit around and whatever else. We have a lot of renovation work to be done in this old house of our relationship.
best thing tumblr ever did for me is the term "rotating it in my mind". it's really true that sometimes you think about something real hard but you can't tell what the thoughts are exactly. it's revolutionary stuff, i might even say
Hold her head against your chest. Tangle your hands in her hair and thank the stars you can breathe her in. Press your lips against her forehead. Tell her you’ll never leave. Tell her you’re sorry. Draw maps on her forearms, write love notes behind her knees, trace your fingers along the curves of her hips and memorize her while you can. Freckles and scars and dimples. Love is not a mirage, or a dream that we can conjure. Love is whispering, even the words that shake you the most. Love is making wishes on her breast bone when you can hear her heartbeat.
On April 6, 2026, the Artemis II astronauts flew around the Moon, observing the far side – which we never see on Earth thanks to tidal locking – with their own eyes and with cameras.
See more of the Moon:
A crescent Earth setting behind the Moon’s horizon.
Earth setting behind the Moon as seen by the Artemis II crew. Over half the left side of the image is filled by the gray lunar surface, pocked with craters.
A close view of the Moon. Jagged circles of craters dot the gray surface, fading to dark on the left side of the image.
A close view of the edge of the Moon. Jagged circles of craters dot the dark gray lunar surface, which arcs across the image.
A close-up view of the Moon, filling most of the frame. Along the left side of the image, the terminator divides the illuminated and darkened sides of the Moon.
A close-up view of the Moon, filling most of the frame. Along the left side of the image, the terminator divides the illuminated and darkened sides of the Moon.
Earth just as it set behind the Moon, as seen by the Artemis II crew. The dark gray surface of the Moon, pocked with craters, arcs from the bottom left corner of the image to the top right.
Check out more photos from the lunar flyby, including astronaut selfies and the solar eclipse only they experienced.
Make sure to follow us on Tumblr for your regular dose of space!
The way this week has gone, I wonder if I’m dying but I just don’t know it yet?
Two people who have hurt me THE MOST have made contact with me. It’s as if the universe has sent them some kind of message to get their shit together and get right. These two are not connected. The timing could not have been coordinated. It’s just so random.
I’m just going to marinate in my thoughts for a bit over their apologies.
While we're looking up at the Artemis II astronauts journeying to the Moon, they're looking back home at us.
In this image, Earth peeks through the capsule window, reminding us that a view like this relies on the ingenuity and hard work of countless people back home.
In the second image, we see our home planet as a whole, lit up in spectacular blues and browns. A green aurora even lights up the atmosphere.
Follow the Artemis II astronauts on their journey to the Moon:
I went to the ballet today with my sister-in-law and saw a performance of this piece, “The Season’s Canon.” I have always loved ballet, danced it for 14 years, but I have never experienced a piece of choreography that moved me to tears, not just once but several times throughout. So many stunning visuals. Just incredible!
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