CXYA @liejiepiedra - Tumblr Blog

Why do I get so jealous?

I don’t literally think Shelley is better for him than I am, but I’m so afraid that his memories with her calling her shellbean and burning CDs and going to her house for dinner and all that stuff in the Bay means the past won’t ever let him start over.

But that’s bullshit right?

I’m afraid there’s just something fucking wrong with me that I can’t change, mostly whatever it is is that I’m stuck in a different timeline. I don’t know. Because even someone like Hillary, also an IxFP, had the strength to move on? The past doesn’t really exist to someone with such bad Si??

It’s not like Dominique is even sitting around wishing David were Devin. If she’s hesitant or unsure, it’s NOT because she’s sitting around waiting for the past to catch up to her.

If anything, maybe it is I, an Ne dom, who cling to the past conceptually more? But I’m also not sitting around wanting Andrew to be Caleb or even Tommy, someone who is equally emotionally viable to me in the present even.

Why can’t I realize that he’s not thinking about me as another replaceable blob only one at a time pls in his life? Why can’t I realize that he’s over here thinking about me as equally valuable a person in his life as Shelley was, except the only difference is I have no Si proof yet I’m going to matter? It’s not like I found a love letter from him to her. It’s not like I found a letter disparaging me.

Why can’t I focus on how tenderly he looks at me, how much he blushes when he sees me show my back to him,

What I Want To Feel

I want to feel like it doesn’t matter who his past was — I want to have faith he wants to start new with a new woman and he is completely excited about ONLY me, and isn’t stuck in a time loop of mourning the past when things were established and easy with his previous girlfriend. I want him to believe he can start over and be even better this time without being perfect.

I want to feel like he’s going to have more and more courage to show up for me in the way I want him to — being able to run to me ... meeting me halfway because he gets the Fi. Even people like NFJs like Igs or Calvin would never go out of their way to come to me like he did... Fi either goes too far or it doesn’t go far enough.

Maybe as an SFP he is realizing what matters.... I want him to know I matter, that love matters and he should try it with me because it absolutely would be a product worth it to him and I could make him really fucking happy. Every day, customers are so satisfied and couples get together and don’t regret it. Why can’t I be part of that trend? It’ll happen.

Well, I never thought about how he’d act if every piece of fucking effort I’d done MATTERED. For him to run to me and also... for him to have his hair done all cute... instead of repressing his attraction to me... because he cared about looking nice for me and believing it’d actually WORK to impress me if he tried!!!

If I believe it, I’ll see it... instead of fearing the points at which I’ll be wrong...

I do have absolute faith people have Fi and Si somewhere.

Andrew: I can’t believe she fucking gave me those gifts... she is such a caring person in addition to being charismatic and witty. She believes in me so much that she went the extra mile to show up at my house like this, risking embarrassment because she cares that much?? And damn, this rice is so good... if even Crystal can learn to cook, I can learn to also be a creative guy. I want to be better for her... but what she’s saying is... I’m already enough right now??? She said it. she’ll take even the SMALLEST contribution from me?? And to stop being perfectionistic BECAUSE having the courage to believe I matter is what counts??

She said she *understands* why I’ve been MIA because she’s also felt drained before as an extrovert?? I’m not alone?? My mind is being blown right now. How can someone like this exist? How can a woman like her see me as so valuable that I now have this in front of me?

And ... ‘beyond what your body can give me.’ So it’s not about sex??

God, I’m so fucking in love with you, Crystal... I will support you in any way I can. Once I figure out what to do about my job, I’m coming to you. You’ve always been the person to support me through all of this.

If he even feels a fraction of the loneliness AND the desire for me to see him as enough

Meghan: omg he loves you. I have a good feeling about you two.

wow wait a fucking minute damn

I’m realizing that even if I do let Andrew go — it’ll take a LOT of strength to fight him until I get the answer that makes 100% sense with my Ni and Ti.

Basically, only when he validates the premises I’ve already thought of, acknowledging he’s attracted to me but explaining his dealbreakers that are NOT circumstantial, and understanding how INTENSE and patient my attraction is.... only when he really directly acknowledges those things, only then does he have my permission to fully reject me. As an Fi user and an Si user, I will always keep some of these things private and they cannot be properly gleaned even by a fellow FP who has NO Ne to read my Si OR imagine my Fi is similar.

What an intuitive burden...

Wow I’m scared that my writing has really never been that great

I think writing journalistically is NOT my forte. I feel physically repulsed at the idea of doing more reporting.... oh my god. At this point, it’s all just in the name of chasing coin!!

Whenever I have to describe something ‘objectively,’ it sounds soooo robotic. I feel like I’m always trying to use a phantom Ti voice. My natural writing voice and attitude is so much more likable when I’m writing something witty online, but it’s like I need other people to riff off for it to sound interesting and organic, but when I try to sum up things in my ‘this is the news’ voice, god it gets SO stifled and I’m not here for it. I actually am realizing how much I hated this in college, and now it’s back. God, I am SO SICK of writing about shit I DON’T CARE ABOUT when there is SO MUCH TO WRITE ABOUT THAT I DO CARE ABOUT. WHY AM I SO BROKE?!?!?! WHY CAN’T I MAKE MONEY RIGHT NOW???

I’m so fucking worried and annoyed that my dream job literally doesn’t exist and right now I’m so inefficient and unproductive because I’m trying to prioritize my body in addition to other things. I also am kinda scared of the emotional effort of seeing Andrew on Wednesday (possibly??) and I have lowkey PTSD from all the years of being ignored and abandoned. I don’t know how to talk about this with others as well. I have so many Ne worries right now, that I’m trying to shoulder in addition to a whole bunch of shame that I am not supporting myself properly.

I am also trying to write more creatively and keep my pen sharp and realizing how pissed I am that I didn’t do that enough in college. I guess in the midst of traveling and trying to beef up my spiritual life while also setting the stage for a thriving MBTI career, I dropped the ball on reading more and the like. Ugh. Idk. I feel behind on literally EVERYTHING. I wish I had more time and energy to do things like style myself, work out, anything.

I can’t help but be jealous of people like Terry who can make any contemporary issue sound good, but at the same time, I also feel like I NEVER want to go back to a journalistic slaving 9-5 writing about shit I don’t get to be witty about. If Vox wanted to hire me right now, would I even take it?

It’s truly a cop out to envy others.

I also don’t really know what would make me happy right now. Like I don’t know what I could change about my current circumstances to make myself happier. Maybe... just have enough money to not need to count every coin, which in tandem makes me want to impulse spend just to get away from those demons? Also, Tommy text me back and make plans so we can go get drunk together and talk about life. Also, Andrew get better at life and agree to hang even once even if he can’t hang for longer and consistently and just validate he also has feelings but wants to work on his mental health before he goes out and dates again so then Tommy and I can date and see things through and maybe if we ever break up Andrew and I can make it work. But I feel like I’ll have to choose between them :( to be honest, I’m prepared at this point to lose Andrew for real because I don’t have lack he’s the only man I’ll ever love and want to marry, but gODDAMN IT CAN ONE OF YOU JUST HANG WITH ME.

Uhm.... also, I guess maybe if I had the time to get my blog / tarot / social media for both started and someone could just magically set me up with the brand and I could just write things and know they were gonna get pushed out to SEO appropriately, that’d be dope. But to hire someone to do that for me, I’d fucking need money.

And NO, I will NOT ask my very rich parents for this money because on principle I do NOT want to be dependent on Daddy and Mommy’s coin for ONE SECOND LONGER!!

I also wish they’d help me with my car insurance but for it to be lower goddamn it.

Basically, if I had money AND an idea of where my consistent pay check could come from that’d be so nice. I am SO FUCKING SICK of being broke when I have — I’ll say it — MORE TO OFFER THAN HALF OF YOU FUCKS OUT THERE!! that’s maybe not literally true, but dude, i have SO MUCH INSIGHT and wisdom and I just CANNOT GET MYSELF to get organized!!!! Not even my VISION FOR MY IDEAL LIFE makes sense.... sigh. oh well. I have a lot to be grateful for.

Logging back into this Tumblr and seeing my anger from 2012 reminds me of how far I came in literally 8 years. When I’m 32, I’ll feel sO differently about life! I said it at age 17, and 8 years later at age 25, I DO love where I’m at now. Yas.

Why does stalking bring little to no satisfaction

“SNAP”

I’m super scared right now. It feels like my entire perception is changing, and my life as I knew it before has less control.

There’s a crisp warning that keeps resounding in my ears. Every time I walk outside and look at the sky, hear the birds, listen to the trees rustling in the wind -- I hear a resounding,

“GET IT TOGETHER DUAN”

"But HOW do I get it together??” I cry back.

“DO SOMETHING. ANYTHING.” The spirits say.

I’m at the point where I think “grow or die.” I can’t keep doing things like I did them before. I’ve never felt so found, yet still so lost. My life has so much purpose, yet I feel like I don’t know which direction it’s rolling in.

Who will I be in the future? All I see right now is just living moment by moment, clinging on to a nonexistent homeostasis, wasting week by week by week --

And I’m PISSED ABOUT IT because I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR INTUITION. I didn’t sign up to be a kind of person that’s so compassionate or inspiring or cheerful or enthusiastic. What happens when I don’t want to be that person anymore?? What happens when I just want to go back on autopilot, back to the times where I was carefree and innocent and didn’t want change or pain or knowing the people that have impacted me --

“You’re growing up, kid.”

Every time I *feel* the weight of these words I just get so mad. I just want to throw up and quit and wail. But there’s no way out. I can’t pretend. I can’t put my self away because as soon as I step out of Thai Express - now the only place my brain will go off - it’s all downhill. The existential crisis is crushing, and sets in again.

Now I can’t even drink away the pain or Netflix away the pain or exercise away the pain or f*ck away the pain or do any of the real world sensory things.

I can’t swallow the despair. But I need to dig deeper and find out why I am not really happy. If I am not happy, I can’t live. I am much better at weaving happiness out of these little things, but when did it get more painful?

When I last used this Tumblr in 2012, I was more angsty and I was definitely not as well respected as I am now. I was definitely less accomplished than I am now. But my circumstances were also quite shittier, and I was somehow able to find joy.

I need to find joy for now. So, things that made me happy today:

1. I had a really good time catching up with one of my good friends, Ellen, at Shakespeare’s. I had more fun than i’ve had in a long time. Ellen is a very logical person but she’s also really cute and open about herself. She’s high strung about academics but in other regards, it’s just nice to hear about a very straightforward view of how things are. I just really like that place, too. I can people watch people enjoying themselves with food even if I also run into former friends and annoying cliquey people from certain organizations. Either way, I want to go there more in the future. And I definitely need to chill with Ellen more. It’s nice to be able to relax around her but also feel like I can be real with her. She’s an ISTJ so we share the same functions. So we have the same kinds of insecurities but also strengths, she’s just more organized than me.

2. I talked to my friend Megan about insecurities about being unemotional. It was just so nice to only say half of what I’m going through and know she gets me almost completely. Often times, I forget that I feel so misunderstood because I’m busy trying to figure out if I even understand what the other person is literally saying, much less what they’re about. Or what I’m about. And Megan is just someone I feel like I can trust and be lazy with. The main thing is we talked about is how I need to refine my Fi is set goals for myself, lay out intents, say where I want to be in a given amount of years. Otherwise, I won’t feel like I’ve achieved anything because I don’t even know what I’m working toward.

3. I withdrew from two classes, including one I was worried I would fail. FINALLY. A HUGE WEIGHT OFF MY SHOULDERS. Now I’ve been given the OK to go ahead and LIVE MY LIFE AGAIN. This is very good. This is very very good. I’m also still on track to graduate. The one thing I do worry about is my chances of going to Washington, D.C. this fall. If my GPA is not *great,* this may not happen and I may not get into the program. If so, I would probably just need to take more online classes. At the end of the day, I just need 14 credit hours to graduate. I’ll do that with or without Mizzou’s help. Honestly, things could be so much worse than they are now.

4. I want to blog about this idea that doing things requires a trust in reality. When I look at the odds and they’re stacked against me, I’m always compelled to not even try because then I’d be even more disappointed. It’s always like trying puts you further ahead, but you also have to try and have faith that it will pay off in some way. I’m scared on some level that if I let myself *want* things, then I’m going to be hurt from the effort put in. I’ve talked about this before. I need to start doing it.

5. I’m happy that things are going well for me even while I crumble and die on the inside, and the only thing I have to fear is my own damn brain beating up on me. My parents are supportive, my best friend gives me tough love, my professors are sympathetic -- the only problem is me. It’s zeroed in on one demon. But this is arguably a worse enemy. So what then? If we’ve zoned in on the problem... do we necessarily know how to solve it? All we’ve done is reduce it.

6. I’m bonding more with my future roommate from Indianapolis. We’re going to have a blast. He’s easy to talk to, and it’s fun to banter with him. Plus he has a dog. This summer I will become a dog lover, thanks to him. We will also watch copious amounts of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and Archer and Jessica Jones and it will be GREAT.

7. I need to pay my rent, do my taxes, finish my homework, watch more TV, catch up with people I know actually want to talk to me, exercise, read, and keep my life together while I wait for situational *opposite of depression* to go away.

I need to also rank these tasks by immediacy -- Judd once told me I need to go “five things at a time.” “what do I need to care about NOW?” “Will this matter a day from now? A week from now? A year? Five years?” If it doesn’t I need to shelve it away.

Maybe I should also start by objectively listing what I have to do.

RAWR. Wake up early, drink caffeine, not think about *e**** and keep on going, day by day by day.

lasagna with the boys @ling_dong6

Have fun pretending to get me a birthday present.

foreveralone-lyguy

I like how its gotten to the point where we’re rooting for Taylor Swift’s relationships to fail

TO COLLEGES AND THEIR 'WHY US' SUPPLEMENTS:

You're insecure. Don't know what for. Harvard Yale Princeton Brown are the cores Of college pride. So get a life. Stop ma making these poor kids deci i i de. Everyone else in the States can see it. Everyone else but you fools. You kinda light up students like nobody else The way you dole out rejections has us overwhelmed But when you really accept us it's kinda hard to tell So you know o o. You know that you're powerful..... That's what makes you so frightful....

#college apps #scared children #fml #mlia #college #fear #one direction #1D