A Sapphic Mess

Zoey (she/they, ≈30)

[lifelong-yearning]

i’m trying so hard not to ruin this….

but gahhhhhhhhhd…

i’ve been spending a lot more time with the friend i’ve recently developed a huge crush on and i’m falling so hard for them, and now i’ve reached the point in liking someone where i want so badly to ask them out or at least drop pretty obvious hints that i’m interested but they’re still in a monogamous relationship with someone else so i know i shouldn’t but every time we talk i just like want to tell them exactly how i feel about them, and it’s physically painful holding that in

like it’s now advanced to the part where i stopped avoiding saying things that i would say to a friend but feel weird saying knowing i like someone bc they could be meant romantically and i honestly do mean them that way too and just say the things anyway and fuck it if they take it that way. and new today, i’m doing the thing where i type out a confession while we’re texting and then delete it without sending.

i could just bottle it all up and move on if it was just that they’re in a relationship but they’ve been talking about how they’ve been thinking about non-monogamy and how they’ve talked to their partner before about it and they had landed on considering it at some point in the future.

so now i’m like there’s hope??? ahhhhhhhhhh

[lifelong-yearning]

The thing about being poly and single and in love with multiple of your closest friends that really sucks is getting deep pangs of yearning for one person and then being reminded of a different person you feel that way about and getting hit with a double whammy

[lifelong-yearning]

me, standing slack-jawed, my blade soaked in the blood of a thousand men: wait, you said “it’s time to start decentering men”??? i thought you said “it’s time to start decaptitating men”. oops…

[lifelong-yearning]

no, child, don’t take adrian to court over this!

[lifelong-yearning]

i want them like soooooooo bad

[sentimentalslut]

trying to explain to tumblr that the Middle Class in not their enemy

[sentimentalslut]

saw someone say that someone complaining about only having 7k in savings makes them contemplate “doing something bad”

you know that 7k covers like. one hospital visit WITH insurance, right?

[sentimentalslut]

“people who make six figures shouldn’t be allowed to complain —“ most people who make six figures are, these days, solidly middle class. where i live, a combined household income of $110k is *lower middle class*.

“people who can afford homes —“ are typically 400-600k in debt for them. also if “can own your own home” is your threshold for the rich you are contemplating eating, i think you are genuinely stupid

“boohoo your investments dropped, stop complaining rich boy” idk how to tell you this but. most of us have a retirement account. you should probably open one

[dirt-mann]

[lifelong-yearning]

I really had a day today where like the whole day I was just emotionally off in a way that like definitely would have been fixed by having my partner hold me and console me, but I don’t have a partner and so instead i just stayed feeling this way all day

and then when i was at the worst part of that, I saw a post come up on instagram bc a friend i have a massive crush on liked it and it was all screenshots of different tweets about like having a wife and little moments around the house with a wife and i’m pretty sure they liked it because they’re getting kind of marriage-focused hoping their partner will propose

but i can’t help but look at it with their face hovering over it with a little heart to say they liked it and think of them in all those scenarios… and so of course between wanting to be with them and being particularly lonely and wanting a partner while reading all these scenarios of being around the house with a partner, i started sobbing profusely, like way deeper than my usual level of heavy crying.

[lifelong-yearning]

omg the sapphic yearning is so fucking bad ahhhhhhhhh

i have a friend i’ve gotten really close with and have a huge crush on but they’re dating someone they’re absolutely crazy about, and don’t get me wrong, they’re adorable together and I love both of them very much, but i am just so jealous and i think about how badly i want to kiss them every day

and sometimes i find myself thinking really cruel things like when they started talking a lot about wedding rings and proposals and stuff i was thinking they’re dropping hints that they want to get married and part of me is really hoping that their partner picks up on those hints and is put off by them and leaves them over it… but like i don’t want that, it’d be so sad for this friend i love so much but god i wish i was the one dating them and i can’t help but hope for any situation that would increase the chances of that…

[threedollarsdotcom]

hey its me your doctor. idgaf

[lifelong-yearning]

to be quite honest i was never under the impression that you gaf

[beemovieerotica]

[lifelong-yearning]

[lifelong-yearning]

one thing i struggle to parse is like, am i not used to what true friendship feels like or am i romantically attracted to a lot of people

disclaimer up front that i know language is descriptive, not prescriptive, and the relationship names we use are just attempts to describe structures that humans created and not like fundamentally different and constant things people experience, but i’m talking about like relative to what other people feel

i think part of it is that i’m hypersensitive, so I feel everything more strongly, and I think that makes me feel really connected to friends very quickly and makes close friendships feel *very* close.

i also think one of the reasons it’s ambiguous is that it’s a bit of a pedantic question. like if i feel what most people call romantic love for people others would feel platonic love for, one lens to view that would be that i have romantic feelings for more people, and another lens is that the set of sensations and desires I feel when experiencing friendships is closer to what others would call romantic, and the ones i feel when experiencing romantic attraction are what someone might feel towards a “soul mate” level connection?

[lifelong-yearning]

that last bit has me thinking about that one friend again…

like on one hand i am a very rational person and i don’t believe in the concept of a soul mate and i believe if i force myself to move on, i will find the same thing with someone else, maybe even stronger

but on the other hand, i am a hopeless romantic, and i love them so much and it really does feel like i’ve found my soul mate and they don’t feel the same about me, and it hurts so bad

and it leaves me in this position where i believe the thing that’s best for me is to try starting something with someone else i like and allow myself to focus on them and grow closer to them… but i just find myself unable to care about anyone else the way i do about them

[lifelong-yearning]

one thing i struggle to parse is like, am i not used to what true friendship feels like or am i romantically attracted to a lot of people

disclaimer up front that i know language is descriptive, not prescriptive, and the relationship names we use are just attempts to describe structures that humans created and not like fundamentally different and constant things people experience, but i’m talking about like relative to what other people feel

i think part of it is that i’m hypersensitive, so I feel everything more strongly, and I think that makes me feel really connected to friends very quickly and makes close friendships feel *very* close.

i also think one of the reasons it’s ambiguous is that it’s a bit of a pedantic question. like if i feel what most people call romantic love for people others would feel platonic love for, one lens to view that would be that i have romantic feelings for more people, and another lens is that the set of sensations and desires I feel when experiencing friendships is closer to what others would call romantic, and the ones i feel when experiencing romantic attraction are what someone might feel towards a “soul mate” level connection?

[lifelong-yearning]

ahhhhh… i just found out that a friend that i kind of started to take things romantic with but kind of was wishing i hadn’t has changed my nickname on discord to something kind of partnery and i like it???? I’m trying not to get too into it bc i said i wouldn’t do long distance again (at least not to start) and i’m only into her sometimes but i saw that and i’m like ehehehehehe 🥰 and i don’t want to be bc i have other people who live near me that i’m more into but haven’t gotten to that point with ahhhhhhhh

[lifelong-yearning]

tbh i kinda think moving likes to individual additions makes sense, but reblogs and replies is a terrible idea.

like sometimes you’ll get posts where someone like says something bigoted or wrong or whatever and then someone replies and explains why that’s bad or corrects them or whatever, and then people will like the post thinking about the correction not thinking about the fact that it’s now saying they liked the original post.

maybe having a link to which reblog a reply was to could solve whatever they were trying to solve with this?

[lifelong-yearning]

oh yay, they’re reversing the change. hopefully if they end up trying to roll something like that out again they go for something more like this instead

[lifelong-yearning]

tbh i kinda think moving likes to individual additions makes sense, but reblogs and replies is a terrible idea.

like sometimes you’ll get posts where someone like says something bigoted or wrong or whatever and then someone replies and explains why that’s bad or corrects them or whatever, and then people will like the post thinking about the correction not thinking about the fact that it’s now saying they liked the original post.

maybe having a link to which reblog a reply was to could solve whatever they were trying to solve with this?

[lifelong-yearning]

don’t get me wrong, i think it’s dumb that so many straight people think it’s bad to be friends with people of the opposite gender when you’re in a relationship and treat mixed gender friendships as like roads to possible relationships only, but… i’m kind of jealous bc being gay is really hard sometimes

bc like i have this friend who is like basically my best friend (although we both have older friendships we call our best friends but we’re definitely closer lately) and i love them sooooooo much as a friend and vice versa but also i want to kiss them so bad and i think about it all the time

but at least when i asked back when we were not quite as close friends they were not interested in being anything more then friends with me and it is so hard continuing to spend so much time with this person i love so much who loves me back but in a different way and then navigating these feelings while our feelings for each other change

and wondering if certain things they say imply their feelings have changed, and wanting to be supportive of their new relationship while also kinda hoping they break up bc i’m so jealous

and it’s not just this one friendship like i also have an online friend who is poly and recently left a monogamous relationship and things got flirty between us and i feel kind of like pressure to continue that but only am into her sometimes and in very limited ways, and then a few other poly online friends that i’ve been flirty with and sexted with but have not established any official relationship with bc i don’t want that with them and kind of still want monogamy for myself but also really like just embracing relationship anarchy and letting each relationship be whatever it is

and then i have multiple other irl friends that i have all sorts of combinations of feelings for, most of whom are monogamous and most of whom are in a relationship currently, but then sometimes i like pick up on a vibe from them and i’m like “i feel like she wants me but also probably not and she’s with someone”

and like i’m fine and i can just be friends with people i’m romantically and/or sexually attracted to who don’t want those things with me, but it makes all of my friendships so much more complicated wondering what the other person wants out of it and having all these extra feelings.

[lifelong-yearning]

i feel like in a previous life i committed a heinous crime for which i was sentenced to a lifetime of sapphic yearning with no recourse.