So much Long Covid languaging seems to centre around accepting your new normal, grieving the life you had, letting go of the future you felt you were owed
functional indistinguishable from healing suffering through detachment
learning to be happy with a worse quality of life
I feel a fire in my heart to not accept the prognosis, to not get comfortable and still be stuck here in 5 years time
Seems like that goes one of two ways
Youāre either the diabetic who climbs Everest & they put you on the pamphlets,
you can have all this shit planned, all this stuff to do and then truly divine intervention says no. It feels like weāre being punished for our hubris of thinking weād conquered the sun
I was getting ready to do all this food prep then suddenly it was too dark to see what I was cutting + canāt open the fridge + ratio
All my shit is digital, havenāt looked at my downloads in three months, phone decided to offload to the cloud so genuinely fuck all to do but sleep
got up for a midnight snack, felt a little proud I could navigate in complete darkness, open the cupboard and remembered I couldnāt see
changed clothes by candlelight like Iām Ebenezer Scrooge, my entire wardrobe is black It was all just a nebulous mass
you can have all this shit planned, all this stuff to do and then truly divine intervention says no. It feels like weāre being punished for our hubris of thinking weād conquered the sun
I was getting ready to do all this food prep then suddenly it was too dark to see what I was cutting + canāt open the fridge + ratio
All my shit is digital, havenāt looked at my downloads in three months, phone decided to offload to the cloud so genuinely fuck all to do but sleep
got up for a midnight snack, felt a little proud I could navigate in complete darkness, open the cupboard and remembered I couldnāt see
changed clothes by candlelight like Iām Ebenezer Scrooge, my entire wardrobe is black It was all just a nebulous mass
Bringing my dead dogās bed w/ me by subway to hand off to my very newly un-estranged father to give to his partnerās daughterās dog whose main hobby seems to be finding and eating deer carcasses in the woods
Obviously some of the weirdness here stems from lived experience right? Growing up under the heel of patriarchy, being subjected to the worst of misogynistic violence, and now being told you have the capacity to perpetuate?
(from a group that seemingly didnāt ātake their lumpsā)
Iām comfortable conceding that I benefited from male privilege. I was conventionally attractive, conventionally masculine, and decently popular - woulda been a pretty sweet gig if I didnāt keep trying to kill myself
My privilege was self evident, but what bolded and underlined it was when it started going away
Suddenly I was getting talked over, my opinions taken less seriously, my circle and community started getting more handsy- more sexually inappropriate, I was getting followed by strangers, I needed to be walked home
I used to be the groupās bodyguard/bouncer, now I was the one that each night inevitably needed āāprotecting āā
We donāt speak anymore but my best friend of ~5years was a fat jewish transmasc - we were drift compatible, soul bound, a transsexual Wario & Waluigi
Heās still someone I really respect. He experienced possibly the worst of patriarchal cruelty but refused to let it take his empathy. He managed to dodge the Zionist grift + the 4tran Tcel whispers and went above and beyond the other direction
We were really in the weeds of each otherās transition, we shared everything. He got to hear about me losing privileges and I got to hear about the inverse
Feeling like he could part tides walking down the sidewalk, being the one de-escalating at the club, getting treated like an expert when he was talking out his ass
I also got to hear about some of the weirder moments. I got to hear about the first time he was read as cis, the first time he realized women werenāt viewing him as default safe, first time being grouped together with his cis boss/coworkers, getting included in the broader label of āmenā
It was lonely, it was isolating, a loss of identity, of community, of kinship, all gnarled up with a bizarre guilt
an incredibly unique part of transmasculinity is that its an identity that can raise your position in society
TO BE SO OVERLY CLEAR we are ALL still very far down the social ladder, itās just that you have the capacity to climb a rung or two higher - itās dynamic
You are the independent variable, you are free the experiment with this. You can dress like Kevin Smith and go do errands then compare/contrast with wearing a dress + full face makeup, rinse repeat till p < 0.05 or whatever (donāt do this)
You might not want to dress like Kevin smith, nor feel like you should have to, but the option exists and thatās kinda the point
When we parted ways my friend and I both stood at a crossroad in our transitions. Weād been following along the path of a binary transition even if we didnāt fully identify that way
I was having safety concerns. Further committal acts might bar me access to boymoding - to temporary male privilege. I didnāt update passport cause it complicates international travel and although I hate having facial hair I was wary of laser since a weeks beard and a hoodie is such a good āin case of emergency break glassā
Taking that plunge means āsafetyā is now reliant on passing and even then thereās a cap to how safe when the best I can manage is cis womanhood
His problems were much more social- experimenting with ātrading inā some of that newfound privilege for a sense of belonging
Dressing more visibly queer, CMYK hair roulette, flag pins,
It was a balancing act - go just far enough for an acceptable uptick in homophobia but no so far that you out yourself and lose that newfound safety
His problems were not nothing but we could both acknowledge we faced differing issues. Issues firmly rooted in how we were now being perceived in a patriarchal society
fuck I want back in. I donāt care if Iām speaking to a brick wall
Both me and my mother are stuck with this label of broken and battered women. weāll flinch if you drop a pencil, any voice above 70db will probably make us cry, its totally normal your partner only ever negs you we just canāt handle conflict
Weāre these paranoid hysterical man-haters projecting our trauma onto all these good and innocent boys who just want to be boys
But like, I love men plenty - I just donāt want to fuck them
and I maybe donāt love you
my uncle was an incredible man, my cousins have found wonderful and supportive husbands, Iāve seen young fathers tested with what should be villain origin stories come out the other side still compassionate
When I was desperate for a father figure my drum teacher all but raised me. When I was suicidal my highschool art teacher did everything he could for me - we both openly wept when I had to drop out, I should really email him
The girls felt safe enough around him to jokingly flirt - theyād giggle while he (white as a sheet & full sweat) firmly set the boundary
but still tried not to shame them
and begged them not to do it again
His only real misplay was that it was way too funny to do it again - I wonder how his hairline is doing
His coworkers spent their classes leering at the dance unitās chests - no one was surprised when those headlines eventually came
Of all the men I love I really donāt think theyāre all emasculated, effeminate, whipped soy beta cucks. They were ideals I aspired towards, ideals I still find myself chasing after
Theyāre confident, reliable, emotionally secure, they keep their ego in check, they donāt take themselves too seriously, they also cry they struggle they get depressed, they have bad and stressful days/ weeks/months.
They are very complete beings. They arenāt some pastiche - some caricature
Paramount: They embody a personal responsibility. They are aware of their position in patriarchal sexism and try to de-center.
They still fuck up plenty, they have blind spots, they forget, make some really funny assumptions
But itās without malice and itās very easy and casual to correct them ( <- important!!)
Itās not that masculinity is evil its that itās not beyond question/ interrogation. Itās a privileged position due to the structures of power and like any privilege if left unchecked it can fester
Just like the white and the rich need self awareness to keep from being shitty so too do the masculine - like, obviously right?
Weāve been trimming away the rot for the past few decades and in the process weāve been uncovering something really quite beautiful
I canāt really understand wanting the rot back unless you just want your turn
If your gender euphoria is so strongly anchored to the toxic parts of masculinity I find your interpretation pretty shallow and think you could benefit from some introspection
Self reflection isnāt this violent cruel ask- itās a mirror being held up not a loaded gun. Itās as universally beneficial as a hydration check.
If you really canāt meet your reflections eyes are you absolutely certain itās solely due to dysphoria
Please donāt let cis men dogwalk yāall like this, I promise thereās plenty to love about you
my fun fact was always that Iām exactly as tall as the first three Jojos, guy in an elevator made the much more relatable reference that Iām Michael Jordan tall
I donāt commute all that frequently so Iād kinda forgot how much strangers pog when they see tall
Like, I have to duck to get in the subway and Iāll hear four metal gear alert sounds
Or Iāll get up for my stop and truly scare an older woman cause I keep going up
I donāt think people are consciously aware of the faces they make - itās not š±, or š², but a full neutral mouth slack š¦. They donāt look away either
Some very attractive people out there making very dumb faces, make sure to be paranoid about it ok? <3
I used to think the horses also being idols was kinda a hat on a hat but when you finally trounce your bracket demon on like third reset and see them relegated to sub vocals
Like yeah bitch you were only ever fit to support my girls shine, sings your two lines hold her hand then exit that fucking spotlight
Even better if she really fucks it and you can barely see her among the backup dancers
Swimming is like the only form of cardio I can tolerate,
perfectly horizontal, not really influenced by gravity during, no room for panic epinephrine trigger = theoretically POTS safe
My building has a saltwater pool but even 5 years into transition Iām still nervous using it - I can dodge getting naked by wearing my suit down but you need to rinse off before entering and the showers are in the gendered change rooms
I want like a permission slip from management that I can wear on a lanyard - I feel like thatās the only way Iād actually feel comfortable
Was at a group dinner and had a cis man explain to me that āthe problem with hrt is that runs the risk of developing conical breastsā and he seemed genuinely hurt that I didnāt want to engage with him - or like give him a sticker
I donāt think heād enjoy me explaining early puberty female breast development - I think thatād constitute vibe terrorism
