dam · age ( n. )

ZSASZ , beatrice // like a crow trapped in your belly and beating to be freed. such a living weight. such a wild , screaming weight , black — bodied and porous — boned. it grapples inside you. it grapples to be outside you , to leave the shreds of your skin for brighter , stronger skies.

[laurakinnvy]

“You were born with a knife in your heart.”

— Bae Suah, from Nowhere to Be Found tr. Sora Kim-Russell (via clairewords)

[lifelsss]

coopkents‌:

“meeting a friend.” if he said it was a work thing, things would start to get unethical. and he was…an editor now. real responsibility and all that. the guy had been a no show once already and consistently flaked on phone calls. and cooper felt that he would be stood up again. if this were any other relationship- he’d had ended it by now. but this was work, and the guy had information. coop’s passive sort of actions were getting old, but what else could he do? (a lot, really). “what time do you get out of here?” 

“ cool. ” she kept it short — he didn’t owe her any other explanation , and she wasn’t going to pretend to be too invested in his life. they were never supposed to get too intimate with each other , they were just making casual conversation before she had to go back into work and he met up with his friend. “ well , ” she started , pulling her phone out of her pocket for just a second to look at the time. “ i got a few more minutes left of my break , and then i gotta work for three more hours. i get off at eleven tonight , which is significantly earlier than my usual shifts. ”

[lifelsss]

tcbefree‌:

she hadn’t even done any of this. why was it skylar’s job to clean up after a few psychotic ingrates ? she really had just been running around doing nothing the entire mist. ( and crying. like, so much crying. god, she shudders. ) ❝ don’t worry about that pencil-pusher ! i run fast. ❞ we could always just kill him, she thinks to herself, but she’s learned that most people don’t enjoy her constant, underly, muderous internal monologue. rule number one of returning from the dead : murder = bad. ❝ i’m serious, though, if we don’t get out of this soon, someone is getting impaled with the hard end of a paint-roller. ❞ probs the cop.

“ hey , if you’re sure , go for it . ” she shrugs — worse things have happened , might as well let this play out. “ we’re already stuck with this ... community service , might as well do something to make it interesting. ” yeah , skylar might get caught an punished for trying to run off , but that wasn’t exactly bea’s problem. she wasn’t too pressed about it , if it came down to that. “ if we don’t get out of this soon, i’m going to be asking you to impale me. ”

[lifelsss]

wcbhcad‌:

“it’d be an interesting experience,” he responded with a laugh, a faint smile spreading across his face as he looked at the girl. “it’d make a good book or movie, assuming you uh lived to talk about it,” he continued, his voice trailing off towards the end of the statement. “yeah, i don’t think the rate of survival is high.”

“ i think there’s a couple people here who’ve lived to tale the tale. don’t think they wanna , though. ” most people at paragon had their fair share of traumatic experience. hell , many of them had died and been brought back to life , somehow. “ you could try to get one of the more talkative survivors to write a book , dunno if anyone here’s already done that. ”

[lifelsss]

ofsurviiving‌:

“one of us could,” technically, at least - though sia didn’t have to say it for her voice to betray the thought that it would be kind of a dick move, if one of them did. “i would have fought more, but in my defense ; it took thirty minutes for them to take me off hold. my resolve was broken down by the sixth loop of their weird elevator music.” besides ; sia could think of WORSE things than having to stay home all day, even if bea couldn’t. she never had enough time to do the chores that came with adult life, and would have been content enough just to work through them, slowly ; though she wasn’t UNHAPPY with the company, as evidenced by the grin that crept onto her face. “do you even know how to make mini pizzas? or any pizza, for that matter? because, might i remind you - we don’t have internet, to google instructions.” 

“ well yeah , one of us could , but then the other one would always resent that and that would throw off the delicate balance we’ve established in this relationship , ” she says , gesturing to the space between them , trying to reason her decision to stay home and suffer with sia as anything other than an act of solidarity towards the woman who inexplicably softened her sharpest corners. “ crap. well — i mean , how hard can it be ? ” pizza was one of the simplest foods to make , especially in min form , or so it seemed to bea. “ you’re a mom , i have younger siblings. we can probably figure it out. base , sauce , cheese , toppings , oven , done.”

[lifelsss]

stvrdustisms‌:

“It’s no problem.” Morgan said with a smile. “I don’t smoke.” She shrugged. There was no real reason she preferred matches over a lighter beyond the aesthetic of it all. “I don’t really need a lighter for the efficiency.”

“ yeah , i figured , ” she laughs , blowing smoke around them. “ a regular smoker like myself would go through a single box of matches way too quickly. ” she didn’t even want to think about how much money she’d waste on matches if she traded out her lighter. “ so whaddaya need matches for ? ”

[lifelsss]

graiinnemhaol‌:

it wasn’t much ; but it was hers. that was the thought that warmed her. a decade before, she’d had next to nothing ( and no one, though that remained a sore spot ). she’d raised the funds she’d used to purchase the building HERSELF, and though it wasn’t in an honorable kind of honest work way, it had still taken her time. she had the space, she had the gambling upstairs ( they hadn’t had a game, that night ; her sister sniffing around a source of constant chagrin ), and - she had bea. gráinne couldn’t say there were many of her old gotham friends she could trust, wholeheartedly, behind her bar. she had become a deeply suspicious woman, especially in the aftermath of the irish mob’s massacre ; but bea, consistent in her competency so far as barwork went, at least, remained immune. “i don’t know how you drink that,” she commented, lightness of her tone minimal in spite of the way her eyes danced, “tried it once. never again.” nevermind that she had long since committed to the aesthetic her family had left behind. she was a fish out of water, this side of the atlantic, but she wouldn’t let herself be changed - even if it was in sense of being swayed to a new sort of drink. “just a dram of jameson, tonight. i’ve to be up early for a meeting - i’ve got a few new people interested in the upstairs business.” 

throughout her life , bea had ended up in a lot of weird , unexpected places. in fact , for someone who , as a child , was convinced she wouldn’t make it out alive , everything was unexpected. by far , one of the strangest places had been gotham academy — it was far too prestigious and clean for someone like her , and yet she’d found a group of people she fit in with perfectly. still , she didn’t think they’d stay friends so long after graduating. despite their similarities , there was always a nagging thought in the back of bea’s head that told her they were too good for her , and it was only a matter of time before they realized that and left her in the dust. and yet here she was , still having a beer alongside gráinne all these years later. “ i’ve become desensitized to the taste. ” she laughs as she sets it aside and pours her boss’ drink. “ and i’m loyal to the brand to switch it up now. ” she could drink anything , really , but whenever she had a choice , she’d reach for the pbr. “ oh yeah ? ” she leans forward on the bar , handing gráinne her drink and taking a sip of her own. “ that’s really taken off lately , huh ? what kinda sadistic creep wants to meet up in the morning for that sorta business, though ? ”

[lifelsss]

willicmwilson‌:

“trust me, you’d know if i was trying to kill you,” william couldn’t help but laugh as he spoke, a smirk spreading across his face as his eyes traveled towards the knife in the girl’s hands. his surprise attack had been a foolish move, but he’d be damned if he ever admitted it- besides he wasn’t scared of a knife. “i was just making sure you’d be ready in the event of a real attack,” he bullshitted a response, as he slowly raised his hands into the air. 

“ oh , i’m ready alright , ” she assured him , her features relaxing into a smile as she slipped her knife back into her pocket. she never thought of herself as someone who was afraid of dying , but whenever her survival instincts kicked in like this she wondered if maybe she was a little bit more attached to this life than she thought. “ in the event of a real attack , and not some dickhead who should know better than to test the daughter of an actual serial killer. ”

[lifelsss]

halvorbragison‌:

Halvor does laugh a little at that, understanding. “You can’t lose a good job. You need to be in the right mood for hallucinations or any sort of illusions. It probably isn’t ideal right before something serious.” He couldn’t imagine doing that before he went onto a battlefield either. “I’m from Asgard. It’s uh, a different realm from this one.” 

“ you’re exactly right , ” she agrees , punctuating her sentence by flicking the ash off her cigarette. “ not that my job is that serious , i just gotta pour beers and try not spill too much. i also check the occasional id , ” she shrugs , “ but at this point i know most people who frequent the bar , who’s legal and who isn’t. ” she takes another drag , flicks off a bit of ash again. “ oh i’ve heard of it. i don’t know a lot about it , but i’ve heard of it. so how’d ya end up here ? ”

[lifelsss]

( EMMY ROSSUM, CISFEMALE, SHE / HER ) — ✧ that looks like BEATRICE “BEA” ZSASZ ! they’re the TWENTY EIGHT YEAR-OLD daughter of VICTOR ZSASZ. [ they are also a BARTENDER AT HOLE IN THE WALL at paragon. ] i hear they’re ADAPTABLE & HUMOROUS, but tend to be UNAMBITIOUS & SELF-DESTRUCTIVE. her file says that her power is SOUL REMOVAL & MEMORY SUPPRESSION.

Keep reading

[lifelsss]

[ waddup fam , i changed a few things in bea’s intro. IN SUMMARY: she has powers which she’s unaware of , because she’s only used them on herself - involuntarily. instead of surviving vicky zsasz’s attack on her family when she was 10 and theo was 8 , she was killed , only to be brought back by her brother moments later. this happened several times during her childhood , but theo / holden always brought her back. but of course , she always suppresses it , so in her mind she just survived a near - death experience , but never actually died. ]

[pyrlspite]

due to personal reasons I will be cheating death

[violentwavesofemotion-deactivat]

I know that I am ruined and that I’m ruining others…

Fydoror Dostoevsky, from The Complete Works; “The Insulted and Humiliated,” (via skeetulriich)

[lifelsss]

monarchiicals‌:

* closed starter for @scbotage / “i get it, universe. i’m garbage.” 

“one mans trash.” it wasn’t the kind of thinking that nadia ascribed to - and ordinarily, the very action of repeating the words she’d heard a few too many times in her childhood would have made her squirm. but it was different, with bea. she HAD changed, and it was true that beatrice didn’t fit her image, something she was painfully meticulous with. but a kind of loyalty tended to spring up around certain circles of gotham children ; and as much as someone like she could, nadia had retained some of it - even now. these bonds, the one’s that she couldn’t shake, were a chink in the armor of virtue. and away from prying eyes… she didn’t think she hated it. “you still know how that ends, right?”

“ aw , nads ,” she almost coos , putting a hand on her chest in mock sentimentality. bea was used to the people in her life being temporary. her relationships were ephemeral ; at some point , people either moved on from her , realizing she’d only been a stepping stone towards something better , or more likely , she fucked up. it was inevitable. as if she pressed some metaphorical self-destruct button , and the people around her were nothing more than casualties of her recklessness. nadia , however , was one of the few ( she could count them with her fingers ) , who felt permanent. “ are you calling me a treasure ? i’m touched. “

[lifelsss]

fxllenpriince‌:

“here,” Jax tosses Bea the little jar that held his weed as he made his way into his kitchen, figuring he didn’t need to say more. she knew where things were, she knew most things about him, and had for years now, one of the few to keep track through the years. Having her around was a comforting familiarity that Jax would move mountains for, so getting her a drink and pulling out leftovers from the club for them both was the routine he needed to not go off the rails.

“quesdilla and sliders tonight,” he calls out as he pops the container into the microwave. he leans out the window in his kitchen with a curious smile, “how was work? that slob come back in and bother you again?” there is legitimate concern, but it’s also no secret that jax took very little to confront someone. certainly a perk of being able to toy with a mind was being rather unafraid of confrontation. [ @scbotage ]

she doesn’t have to think much as she catches the jar and her hands move as if they have a mind of their own , rolling a nice joint for them like she’s done so many times before. it’s no surprise that gotham isn’t the best place for a kid to grow up. every day is an act of survival. so there’s something about the bonds that bea formed in that city that makes them unbreakable. they’d stuck together through the worst , so bea would always go back to them.

as he announces the menu , she looks up  and shoots him a thumbs up with a soft “ hell yeah. “ these casual leftover dinners gave bea a sense of stability she usually lacked. it was oddly traditional , and she appreciated it more than she could put into words. “ he was there , but it wasn’t too bad , “ she shrugs , lighting up and taking a hit. “ passed out early , but left his wallet out. we got him in a cab , but not before i took a pretty hefty tip for myself , ” she says proudly , walking over to the kitchen and offering jax the joint. “ poor bastard won’t even know what happened. ”

[lifelsss]

« STREET SMARTS ! » // @willicmwilson // ACCEPTING !

if there was one thing bea learned living with victor zsasz , it was to be alert at all times. bea knew how to react quickly in life-or-death situations ( her father had put her in so many ). before she even processed everything she heard , she’d already drawn out her knife , and was pointing it straight at her attacker before realizing - he was anything but. “ jesus , kid , ya tryin’ to kill me ? “

[lifelsss]

rarerpmemes‌:

𝚗𝚎𝚡𝚝   𝚝𝚘   𝚗𝚘𝚛𝚖𝚊𝚕   —   𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚝𝚎𝚛   𝚜𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎𝚜.

taken   from   the   broadway   musical.   feel   free   to   change   the   pronouns   as  needed!   ( tw:   mental   illness,   grief,   self-harm,   drug   use,   suicide,  cursing. )

‘ it’s 4 in the morning, is everything ok? ‘

‘ you need to slow down. take some time for yourself. ‘

‘ great, thanks, i’m so glad i know that. ‘

‘ some days i think i’m dying. ‘

‘ it’s just another day. ‘

‘ it only hurts when i breathe. ‘

‘ we’re the perfect loving family. ‘

‘ mozart was crazy. ‘

‘ everything else goes away. ‘

‘ without a little lift, the ballerina falls. ‘

‘ use may be fatal. ‘

‘ love is blind. ‘

‘ love is insane. ‘

‘ i don’t feel anything. ‘

‘ our planet is poison. ‘

‘ this planet is pretty much broken beyond all repair. ‘

‘ i could be perfect for you. ‘

‘ we can be the one thing in this world that won’t hurt. ‘

‘ this is crazy. ‘

‘ i miss the pain. ‘

‘ nothing’s real. ‘

‘ i miss the mountains. ‘

‘ i miss my life. ‘

‘ it’s gonna be good. ‘

‘ do i look great? i am! ‘

‘ he’s not here. ‘

‘ do you dream or do you grieve? ‘

‘ this is fucked. ‘

‘ i know you’re hurting. i am too. ‘

‘ do you wake up in the morning and need help to lift your head? ‘

‘ do you know what it’s like to die alive? ‘

‘ you say that you’re hurting, it sure doesn’t show. ‘

‘ can you tell me what it is you’re afraid of? ‘

‘ can i touch you? ‘

‘ look at me. ‘

‘ tell me who to be. ‘

‘ you just don’t know who i am. ‘

‘ i love you as much as i can. ‘

‘ i am mystery. ‘

‘ i’m alive. ‘

‘ i’ll hurt you. i’ll heal you. ‘

‘ i’m the perfect stranger who knows you too well. ‘

‘ catch me, i’m falling. ‘

‘ you know what the problem with classical is? it’s so rigid, structured, you have to play the notes on the page. there’s no room for improvisation. ‘

‘ there’s a world where we can be free. ‘

‘ i could never be alone. ‘

‘ didn’t i see this movie? ‘

‘ you’re kidding, right? that’s bullshit. ‘

‘ our house was a home long ago. ‘

‘ i can’t get through this on my own. ‘

‘ wish i were here. ‘

‘ you don’t remember any of this? ‘

‘ i couldn’t give a flying fuck what’s normal. ‘

‘ we haven’t had a normal day in years. ‘

‘ you remind me of me, and how fucked up i can be. ‘

‘ why would you want to remember the things that hurt you? ‘

‘ i am more than memory. ‘

‘ what happens if the cut, the burn, the break was never in my brain, or in my blood, but in my soul? ‘

‘ medicine isn’t perfect, but it’s what we have. ‘

‘ i’m dancing with death, i suppose. ‘

‘ things will get better, you’ll see. ‘

‘ we tried to give you a normal life. i realize now, i have no clue what that is. ‘

‘ something next to normal would be okay. ‘

‘ we’ll get by. ‘

‘ am i crazy? ‘

‘ i might end up crazy. ‘

‘ i am the one who loved you. ‘

‘ there will be light. ‘

bea && solveig !!

[lifelsss]

kiid0mega‌:

“They really are, they’re a nightmare of poor construction where things can just break for no clean reason and if you do anything at all, sit, stand, your back will hurt!” Quentin said somewhat in jest “But at least they can get the important stuff around,”

“ i mean , i know why my body’s breaking down , ” and i wish it would hurry up and get it over with , she thought. “ i give no shits about what happens to this ... corpse-in-waiting , but if your back hurts when you’re just there like , existing , you should probably get that checked , ” she said , keeping their jokey tone going. “ i guess it works , but , at what cost ? ”