Life of Mediocrity

We have all been lied to since birth. You will not achieve your dreams, your goals, your desires. Get used to it. This Land is not made for you and me. We are not the outliers.

[lifeofmediocrity]

[lifeofmediocrity]

[lifeofmediocrity]

I'm absolutely terrified of my job doing layoffs. If it happens, I'm fairly sure I'll be homeess as i won't be able to find a job. I have physical restrictions now that i didn't have when i last had to work in retail. (Nothing major, but enough i can't lug around boxes or heavy objects)

I am bad at writing resumes and I do not do well with job searches.

I am full of pessimism, fear, and the dread that i will die in poverty.

[lifeofmediocrity]

[lifeofmediocrity]

[lifeofmediocrity]

[lifeofmediocrity]

Found in my photo archive from a bazillion years ago. Such a strange phtoo and quote.

[camewiththeframe]

“When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind.”

— C.S. Lewis  (via lupus-ex-machina)

[lifeofmediocrity]

I'm amused that this gif comes up when searching Severitus

[nevver]

Ruth Mora

[lifeofmediocrity]

[lifeofmediocrity]

Realistically... this would solve a lot of things.

However, there are some studies out there that money does increase happiness up until you hit a certain amount and then it stagnates. More like it takes care of the worry and thst leaves you free to be more free to do what you want vs worrying about bills.

[lifeofmediocrity]

[lifeofmediocrity]

[missmentelle]

Howdy! I read your list on abusive behavior, and my partner exhibits some of these behaviors but not all, does that still mean I'm in an abusive relationship? This might be a dumb question to some, but I think I might be in denial.

You might be.

It's hard for me to give a distinct yes/no answer without having any of the details - there isn't always a hard and fast line between "imperfect but non-abusive relationships" and "abusive relationships". But I can definitely try to help you find the answer yourself.

I can tell you right off the bat that a relationship absolutely does not need to check off every box on a list of abusive traits to be considered an abusive relationship. The vast, vast majority of abusers do not tick all of the boxes. Some will tick very few of the boxes. There are many different ways to be abusive, and two equally abusive people can have almost nothing in common with one another. The partner who screams and throws things and punches holes in the wall when they're angry is abusive - but so is the gentle, soft-spoken partner who never raises their voice when they tell you that you're ugly and crazy and no one else will ever love you.

If your partner is physically or sexually abusive toward you, your relationship is almost certainly abusive, even if these behaviours are rare. This would include behaviours like:

slapping, kicking, punching, hitting or choking you

punching or kicking holes in walls or otherwise damaging property

throwing things

breaking your possessions

physically intimidating you (getting in your face during arguments, cornering you, posturing that they may get violent with you, etc)

making threats of violence

threatening you with a weapon, whether directly or indirectly (reminding you that they have a weapon, displaying it during conflicts, etc)

threatening your pets

coercing you into unwanted sexual activity

Emotional and psychological abuse can be harder to pin down. A partner who ignores you for hours after a fight might be intentionally giving you the cold shoulder, or they might legitimately need to take some time to themselves to calm down. A partner who doesn't want you spending time with your friends might be trying to control and isolate you, or they might have noticed that your friends treat you like garbage. In general though, there's a very good chance that your relationship is abusive if:

You always seem to be the one in the wrong. You always seem to be the one who ends up apologizing or trying to explain yourself, even if you went into the conversation feeling very confident that your partner was in the wrong. You're consistently made to feel that the problems in the relationship are your fault; it seems like no matter what the issue is, your partner is able to twist things so that you end up feeling like you are the problem.

You find yourself making excuses for your partner. When you're talking to friends and family, you often downplay and minimize your partner's negative behaviours toward you. You might avoid telling your loved ones about the worst of it and try to avoid discussing your partner altogether. If your friends and family witness your partner treating you badly, you find yourself trying to make excuses for them and explain away their mistreatment of you.

You "walk on eggshells" around your partner. There are times where you feel like you have to tiptoe around your partner to avoid setting them off. You might feel like there are different "versions" of your partner, and that you have to use extreme caution whenever the abusive version of your partner shows up.

Your relationship feels like a cycle. You walk on eggshells around your partner for a while, until eventually there's some sort of blowup. This doesn't have to be physical - it could be your partner yelling at you, or calling you some particularly vicious insults, or going through your phone and demanding that you answer for everything they find on there. Afterwards, they are extremely loving and apologetic and everything is great for a while. Then the sensation of walking on eggshells comes back and you do it all over again.

You don't feel like you get to make your own choices anymore. Your partner might directly tell you that you are not allowed to do certain things - like wear certain clothing or speak to certain people - without their consent. Or they might simply give you such a hard time for doing certain things that you eventually decide it's not worth the fuss. They might closely monitor you by tracking your social media or your phone's location, or demand regular access to your social media accounts and messages, and they may regularly require you to "prove" that you aren't cheating.

Your partner threatens suicide or self-harm if you leave. Making threats of suicide is abusive; it's an emotionally manipulative thing to do to a person. If your partner has hinted or directly stated that they will hurt themselves if you leave them or do something they don't like, that's a very unhealthy situation.

You don't feel like yourself anymore. Being in an abusive relationship can erode your entire sense of self over time. You might come to find that you no longer pursue your dreams or hobbies, never see friends, and no longer have the self-confidence that you used to have.

At the end of the day, a relationship doesn't need to meet any kind of "official" criteria for abuse to be a bad relationship for you. If you're in a relationship where you feel unsafe or unheard, that's probably not a relationship you need to be in. Think about how you would want your best friends or loved ones to be treated in a relationship - is that how your partner treats you? If not, you may have some soul-searching to do.

If you are looking for more information or resources to figure out whether or not your relationship is abusive, you can always reach out to domestic violence services in your local area, or go online to some of these resources to learn more:

Healthline

Heartwise Counselling Quiz

Women's Health Mag

WebMD

Best of luck to you. Stay safe. MM

[missmentelle]

What abusers believe.

If you’ve ever had to deal with an abusive person in your life - like an abusive parent or partner - you’ve probably wondered what made them treat you that way. If you understand why abuse is happening, the thinking goes, you might be able to figure out how to make it stop. 

So why do abusers do what they do? Do they have anger issues? Drinking problems? Past trauma? Personality disorders? Do they just need to get in touch with their feelings and learn how to communicate better?

Nope. 

Abusive behaviours come from abusive beliefs. Abusers - whether consciously or unconsciously - hold specific beliefs about relationships that drive their behaviour and allow them to justify the horrible things they do. Even if your abuser has never put their beliefs into words, you’ll probably recognize a lot of these abusive beliefs:

You are responsible for my emotions. It is never my responsibility to reflect on my emotional reactions or learn better coping skills - it’s your responsibility to stop doing things that make me angry or upset.

I must act on my emotions. If I am angry, I am going to lash out. You have no right to criticize me for that, and it’s not my responsibility to learn to manage my  emotions - you have to stop making me lash out at you. Asking me not to act on my emotions is controlling and wrong.

You will always be responsible for my emotions. Even if the relationship ends, you will continue to be responsible for my emotions, and I will expect you to continue to prioritize my feelings.

If I have feelings about something, it’s my business. If something you do or think causes an emotional reaction in me, then I have a right to get involved or tell you what to do. My feelings must be the priority. You don’t have the right to tell me that it’s none of my business. 

You must judge me on my intentions, not my actions. If I didn’t mean to hurt you or scare you, then you don’t have the right to be hurt or scared. No one has the right to try to hold me accountable unless I meant to hurt someone.

I get to decide what your intentions were. If you hurt me, you meant to hurt me. If you make me jealous, you meant to make me jealous. Nothing you do is ever accidental or unintended - everything you do is intentional and malicious, even if it was a response to something I did.

My feelings are genuine; your feelings are manipulation. If I’m upset, my feelings are real and important. If you are upset, you have an ulterior motive - you’re just trying to be manipulative and get attention or sympathy for yourself.

You have freedoms because I allow you to. Every freedom you have in your life - like wearing what you want - it’s because I generously allow it. I expect you to be grateful to me for that. I have the right to take those freedoms away whenever I want, and I expect you to obey.

If you set boundaries with me, you are mistreating me. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t set boundaries with me. You are doing this to intentionally hurt me, which means I don’t have to respect those boundaries.

You holding me accountable for hurting you is worse than me hurting you. My pain at being called out is worse than your pain at being mistreated. If I feel bad about something I did, I have already been punished enough. You trying to discuss the issue or hold me accountable is just your way of abusing me.

If I apologized for something, you have to forgive me. If the relationship has ended, you have to reconcile with me. You don’t get to ask for more time apart or more discussion of the issue - once I’ve apologized, the matter is closed for good.

The relationship is not over until I say it is over. So long as I want a relationship with you, you must have a relationship with me. Your feelings are irrelevant. Even if we have broken up, you must remain available to me so we can get back together in the future. Not wanting a relationship with me means you are mistreating me or being immature. 

I am the authority in this relationship. I am smarter and more perceptive than you. I know what is best for both of us. My version of events is always the correct one. I have superior judgement, taste and opinions. If you question me or disagree with me after I’ve given you the correct answer, you are disrespecting and mistreating me, or you are simply immature and incapable of knowing what’s good for you.

I have the right to control you. It is my absolute right to decide what you do and who you associate with. You have no right to disobey me. I am owed obedience and control; if you don’t give me those things, you are wronging me and cheating me out of the relationship I deserve. 

If you resist my control, I am allowed to do whatever I think is necessary to get it back. Once you’ve resisted me, I am justified in whatever I do to regain control of you. I am not responsible for my actions when you resist my control; you forced me to do it, and it’s your own fault. 

I should be your main focus. Everything else in your life comes secondary to me. When you make decisions, my feelings should be your first consideration. You are expected to make sacrifices for me and put me at the center of your life; I am not obligated to do the same for you. 

If I spend money on you or do something for you, you are in debt to me. You spending money on me or doing things for me does not erase your debt to me, and I am never in debt to you. You are indebted to me for as long as I decide. I may decide that your belongings and earnings also belong to me, since I allow you to have them. I may also decide at any time that you owe me for gifts I gave you, even if they were meant to be gifts.

I am not abusive, and you are not allowed to tell me otherwise. I know what abuse is, and real abusers are significantly worse than me. If our relationship has ever had any good times or positive moments, it can’t possibly be abusive. If you accuse me of being abusive, you are the one abusing me, or you have been led astray by bad influences. 

Relationships should be effortless (for me). I am owed a relationship that is peaceful and requires no real effort from me. It is your job to make sure we have that kind of relationship. If there is any tension or conflict in the relationship, it is your fault, and you are depriving me of the relationship I deserve to have. 

Abusers and victims alike often buy into the narrative that abuse is rooted in anger issues - after all, abusers are frequently angry, and anger is an issue that can be treated. But this narrative just isn’t true. Abusers aren’t abusive because they are angry. Abusers are angry because they are abusive. 

A non-abusive partner is not someone who has learned how to control their rage whenever you spend time with your friends or get home 15 minutes late from work. A non-abusive partner just doesn’t feel any rage in those situations. An abuser’s rage is firmly rooted in their beliefs about relationships - they feel entitled to a relationship that meets their impossible expectations, and when they inevitably don’t get it, they bubble over with fury. Whether they know it or not, they have firmly entrenched beliefs about how relationships should be, and those beliefs are at the heart of their abuse. 

Can abusers stop believing these things? Maybe. If they can acknowledge that they have these beliefs, accept that these beliefs are dangerous and unreasonable and let go of these beliefs, maybe it’s possible for them to no longer be abusive in the future. Maybe. But it’s not your job to hang around and find out. If you’re in an abusive relationship of any kind, you deserve better. There are many people in this world who don’t hold abusive views of relationships, and you deserve to find happiness with them. 

[lifeofmediocrity]