Sibling Rivalry Part One
Sibling Rivalry
by Allison Rees
Sibling Rivalry is a difficult family issue to deal with. We want our kids to get along and hope they love each other forever. It’s easy for kids to take on roles such as the victim, the perpetrator or various other labels like “the good one”, “the difficult one”. We too play roles in our family and often it is changing our role that can make the biggest difference. Children look for a parent to take sides and play referee. We, as parents, can easily become the judge, the rescuer or the peacekeeper. It is up to us as adults to see the relationship patterns and change them. What role do you play? What can you do to break the pattern? Change happens by giving trigger situations space so we can observe our behavior and feelings without reacting. Consistently doing something different from the pattern for two to three weeks can create permanent change.
The ultimate goal is to let sibling battles be “kid issues”. This is a term we use at LIFE Seminars that encourages parents to recognize what kids can take responsibility for on their own. This doesn’t mean we don’t care or don’t offer support but often we get over-involved which means we really have to back out. Jumping in with our own anger, asking questions about who started the fight, taking over the problem, taking sides are all ineffective methods that will increase resentment in our children and keep you stuck in their fights. This will create resentment in the kids and can tarnish their relationship right into adulthood.
It can be upsetting to see the level of “aggression” or “meanness” your kids might display. You will probably never see your child act the same way to any other human being! Remember that children are egocentric and self-centered. This means they don’t always understand how their behavior effects somebody else, especially a sibling who can be so annoying. Oh, ummmm, do we ever fight with our partners? Are we always kind and fair? Try to see them differently if they have a negative role. Tell a relentless, positive story about each one of your children to yourself and to them.
Children need reassurance and support, and stepping away from most conflicts does not mean that we should turn our backs on our child’s need or injury. There are times we need to separate our children and tend to the needs of each one separately.
We can validate their feelings by listening and reflecting without taking sides. Listening to how your child feels and why they might feel that way not only brings calmness but it taps into our ability to be more loving. We have to be sincere and practice empathy in order for this to land. When we are calm and loving our skin tone is more colorful and kids respond positively to this. When we are stressed, we are usually paler. Children unconsciously react to our emotional states. Finding our own calmness is a key factor in most of our parenting experiences.
We can also act as coaches at neutral times, helping each child learn how to handle various issues that come up. As they mature, they will learn to resolve conflict on their own, needing us to step in less and less. If they aren’t given the opportunity to learn these skills, siblings can continue to be alienated from one another all through their adult lives.
Even with conflict resolution skills, most children argue. Let’s face it, it can be fun to prove yourself right, or get your way, or just get a sibling in trouble. What better way to deal with boredom than to initiate a little friction, especially if you can get some parental attention too.
So step one, look at the roles people play. Step out of your role and stay out of the battles as much as possible. If you get involved, use empathyand reflective listening with each child without agreeing or taking sides.
You can name the problem and ask them to solve it. It might sound like, “John, you are upset because you want to watch Star Wars. Sarah, you want to watch The Little Princess. You both look frustrated and annoyed. We have one t.v. and two kids who have different wants. When you figure out a solution you can turn on the T.V. and watch a movie. This makes it their problem, not yours but you are helping them identify the issue. Here they can learn about the word compromise. Sometimes you get your way, sometimes I get mine or sometimes, we can choose something that we both feel okay about. Kind of a nice way to contribute to future relationships. If either one of them are upset, they may not be able to negotiate. It’s hard to access the creative part of the brain that sees possibilities if there is stress or anger. If this happens, agree to have a family meeting about this issue at a neutral time. Follow the rules of meetings and teach your kids how to problem solve. This will be outlined further as we go.