I need to express my thoughts and I don’t have my little black journal with me so it’s going on here. Breaking up and anxiety. I left everything for six months to work on my mental health. I got professional help, medication, practiced mindfulness and gave myself time to heal. Then I slowly worked myself back into school and work, which was a huge change which caused a lot of stress and it was really hard, but I got through it. Now, I feel like my relationship needs to end because of various things but it boils down to the fact that my boyfriend and I have different views of how to go about life and how to treat others. I’ve spent the last year and a half working through his insecurities with trust, controlling behavior and anger issues. He has spent much of our relationship working through my (at times) high functioning anxiety and depression. He stayed with me when my issues took over my life and I constantly fought with suicidal thoughts and attempts. He’s done so much for me which makes me feel guilty. I feel like because he did all those things, I shouldn't complain about anything. I should be grateful and anything bad, is outweighed by the good he has done. but lately, he has made it clear that his priorities are objectively the most important. He has made it clear that my appearance is super important and directly correlates to how he will treat and love me. He makes me feel ugly and ashamed of how I look, how I do my make up or hair, how I dress. if I dress in scrubs because I feel like it, he makes a comment about how bad I look. If I look good, he complained that I look too sexy and i am begging for attention and for other men to look at me. if I do my make up a certain way that i love and I feel good in, and he does not like it, he will make it clear that he doesn’t like it and he will make me feel bad for doing something he doesn't like. I changed my hair and he got upset because he doesn’t like it and he said “you don’t look like tamara, get off me” . Even when he touches me, he touches me the way he wants to touch me even if it makes me uncomfortable or if it hurts. Then he makes me feel bad for not letting him touch me that way.He makes me feel guilty for getting hurt. I cannot talk to men that he doesn’t know without hearing about it later. I cannot touch in-any-possible-way a guy that he does not trust, that includes a simple shoulder grab while talking. I cannot wear something that makes me feel good, without him slut shaming me. I am tired of being in a relationship with someone who never wants to do things that would like to do, without me begging for it. I’m tired of someone making hurtful comments then making me feel bad for having hurt feelings. I’m tired of having someone who doesn’t fairly split the house chores. I’m tired of someone who would rather watch netflix, then spend time talking to me. I’m tired of being with someone who wants to control me all the time. I’m tired of someone who blames me for having anxiety, depression and borderline personality disorder. I’m tired of hearing “ You don’t have bpd. Everyone has anxiety.”. No, not everyone has the kind of anxiety that shouts in their mind to crash their car everytime they drive. No, not everyone has the kind of anxiety that tells them to go down to the tain tracks and wait. Not not everyone tells them that they HAVE to kill themselves. I fight suicidal thoughts all the time and I cannot control them.
But that is why I am terrified of breaking up, because I will get these thoughts and they will be louder because I chose to break up. I am terrified of going into that part of my illness alone. And I am scared that it is the wrong decision. Most people think, if you’re unhappy just leave. But leaving means that I will have to face a constant fight of life or death with myself.
