belle

just me, some poems and pictures. all these poems and pictures are mine, just as the thoughts i share.

[lilbeebelle]

last year, you rolled your eyes after we finished the first season of a new show. It stars one of your favorite actors. You don't like the show that much but you are still annoyed that there is no second season yet. And somehow you know that you won't see a second season of it.

Well dad, season two is out, I will watch it without you and I will miss you during every episode. You were right. You won't be seeing a second season.

[whooshsoohw]

Really pisses me off how everyone my dad admired (musicians, writers, footballers, politicians, his friends) is still alive but not him. Some are so much older than him as well. Why is the world so full of him but he's not in it? It wasn't supposed to be this way.

[lilbeebelle]

the night you died I said goodbye and watched them carry you away but the urge to call you and ask for advice is still haunting me.

[lilbeebelle]

I'm going to miss you and the idea of you longer than I have loved you.

[lilbeebelle]

To Dad,

you weren't always the best. Often you were angry and yelling and in times where I needed guidance I was scared to ask for your advice.

You were also kind and worried. You never learned to show it, so I had to learn to read it from your eyes.

You always knew I would pass my exams - even on days I cursed at you behind my closed door.

You were always calling me for help and on many days I hoped you would stop, but now you did and I will never get to roll my eyes over you and the printer again.

You left me. I still need you. Your job isn't done here.

I will do what I always do, be annoyed at you and still do the thing you need me to do.

Love, your daughter

Ps.: I miss you

[lilbeebelle]

and you forgot to taught me where I put down the anger, now that grief invaded my heart.

[lilbeebelle]

I think the moment I learned to walk away from you, was the moment you learned to stop loving me dad.

[lilbeebelle]

I haven't thought about you for years and then one night, I lay awake and realize it was you. My first love, the only one that made me feel like this. But we were two kids, too young to understand. Or did you know? Did you know when you held my hand or let me lean on your shoulders?

My first love, I haven't known.

Or did I? Was I just scared because we were two young girls?

[lilbeebelle]

where is the glory of being a daughter? where is the pride in being a sister? why is it only sorrow the eldest earns?

[lilbeebelle]

I talk about my younger siblings like a parent talks about their child.

And I think that explains who i am.

[lilbeebelle]

It's in German but they are collecting money for the family of a 33 years old father and husband who passed way too early and unexpectedly.

He left three little kids behind, the oldest is barely 7 years old.

If you guys could share this, it would be great.

Donate to helft Mirkan Ustas Familie nach Schicksalsschlag, organized by Mercedes Krueger

Wir bitten um eure Hilfe, um die Familie von Mirkan Usta in dieser u… Mercedes Krueger needs your support for helft Mirkan Ustas Familie nac

[lilbeebelle]

death is something so cruel. I love you, why are you going to where i can't follow you?

[lilbeebelle]

i still love you- when was the last time we talked?

i still pull out our chat, excited to tell you- have i told you about all the changes happening?

i see your post, smiling at friends and i'm happy- when was the last time we laughed like this?

If i had known it would have been the end, i would have hugged you tighter, maybe even missed my bus so we could talk just for a while longer

[lilbeebelle]

and no one prepares you for the heartbreak when your friend starts to grow into a stranger, when you both grew apart but still love each other.

[lilbeebelle]

the daughter you never had to worry about is crying, asking herself why you don't care about her.

the daughter that is so independent whipped away her tears, tired of waiting.

your daughter doesn't need you now, she needed her father then.

[lilbeebelle]

I don't believe in God.

I tried and I prayed but it went to deaf ears.

I don't believe in God, he had hurt me too deep for me believe he is my savior.

[lilbeebelle]

How can I be so different from my sister? How can we come from the same parents, grow up in the same house, with only a year between us and yet be so different?

How can the relationship to my sister, my first ever friend, become so toxic?