a million little wishes float across the sky

And I love you but I leave you. I don't want you but I need you. You know it's you who calls me back here, baby.

[mccnlights]

After his mother was taken from him, Jaime had worked hard to become numb. To everything, to everyone. He’d convinced himself that nothing mattered, that nothing lasted. He was comfortable like that - it kept him from feeling like there had been a hole punched through his chest. He could lose himself in parties, and in drugs, and in other people when they were tangled in his sheets. He could forget his mistakes, he could forget the all-over ache that weighed down on him like a chronic illness. He’d been so ignorant, so blissfully ignorant. Content to ignore his feelings and continue through life burning bridges and killing his potential. He couldn’t feel pain in his own self-destruction. No one could hurt you if your worst enemy was inside your own head. And with this nihilistic view of the world, Jaime had been ready to live out the rest of his life alone. Protected. And then Stevie had come back to him. Maybe not willingly, or happily, but she was here. He’d never been one to believe in god, he’d never believed in fate, or miracles. But he couldn’t think of a single reason why this would’ve happened to them. Things like this didn’t happen on their own, there was no explanation. Because nothing lasts. Nothing but this. Nothing but the way being close to her made his heart squeeze so tight he could swear it would burst, or the way that holding her felt like what he was put on this Earth to do. He didn’t understand how he’d managed to stomp the life out of everything he used to be, and yet one touch and he felt like he was hers again. How had these feelings survived when nothing else had? His throat got tight when he felt her voice more than he heard it against his neck - I could make you happy, I could make you love me - it was too much. His heart was racing against his chest, and he was so, so scared. He wasn’t entirely sure what for, but he could do nothing but hold her tighter to him, even as the song faded into the next.

[lilstevierae]

Stevie couldn’t decide if she wanted to remember this in the morning or not. Forgetting had a certain appeal. It might be easier to convince herself to move on if she didn’t have another memory of what it felt like to be in Jaime’s arms again. If she didn’t remember that letting him draw her in and hold her close felt like coming up for air, like she’d been drowning in her anger and her resentment and letting go of all of that to simply have this one moment with him was the first taste of fresh air she’d had since... since she moved in? Or had she been this weighed down since he’d left? She’d been devastated and hurt, her heart still not fully intact from the death of her father when Jaime broke it into even smaller pieces but she’d had to push through that for her sisters. They needed her to be strong and to take care of them. She’d pushed all of her own pain aside to care for them and she’d tried so hard to keep it out of her mind but the moment she’d seen Jaime again it had come flooding back like she’d never gone a day without suffocating from it. It’d be easier to stay mad, to stay hurt and to fight to keep from letting him back in if she didn’t remember what it felt like to breathe easily but did she want to go back to that? Maybe things would never work out the way she wanted them to with Jaime but she wanted to try. Then again, that could be the whiskey talking. Remembering might just make it hurt worse when she had a clear mind. It just felt so good to be in his arms, to feel his body pressed against hers and the only thing she knew was the thought of losing him again terrified her. The song had ended and a new one had begun, something else quiet and when she realized that Jaime had done the opposite of pull away from her she smiled softly against his skin, holding onto the moment before pulling back just a little bit so she could see his face. Her hand moved to press against his cheek, just watching him for a second before she looked down. “I’m so tired, Jaime,” she whispered. Tired of being angry, tired of fighting. Tired of pretending that she didn’t care. She didn’t want to let go of him but she knew it’d be easier for her to pull away so she made the first move, pulling back just a little more but keeping close. “Can we go to sleep?”

[mccnlights]

Jaime watched as she fumbled with her cell phone, trying to swallow around the enormous lump that had formed in his throat. He didn’t recognize the soft piano chords that filtered through her phone speakers, but it didn’t really matter, he thought. Trying to keep his breathing even, he let her place his hand on her hip, and it was just so hard to resist when she was literally pressing her body against his, the warmth of her breath ghosting over his neck. It was everything. Everything he’d been missing, and his entire body ached for it. It was all just so familiar, and Jaime had promised himself that he’d never feel this way again. He’d had himself convinced that he didn’t want to. But now, she was so easily breaking down his resolve just by standing too close and smiling at him and being so outrageously beautiful that it just wasn’t fair. It was a combination of familiar feelings crashing over him and new ones creeping under his skin. He didn’t know what to make of it, but it was so good. She’d always been so good for him, even on his bad days. Even when he hadn’t deserved it, she’d been so good to him. And it wasn’t fair to her - he’d never thought so, he’d never been good enough for her. He wasn’t then, and he wasn’t now, and he knew it. He knew that he should let her find someone better - someone less fucked up, but he couldn’t. Not when she was like this, so soft and warm in his arms. He wasn’t selfless enough to let her go if she didn’t want to be anywhere else, and he figured he was already damned, he might as well just dive in head first. Letting out a deep breath, he finally gave in, arms snaking around her and pulling her in close to his chest. “One song,” he murmured, letting himself enjoy the moment while it was still here.

[lilstevierae]

Stevie could clearly see the  hesitation written all over Jaime’s face. He thought this was wrong; that it was a mistake. Part of her could understand that she supposed but it couldn’t really be a mistake if it felt this good, right? The last time she’d been this close to him had been the day she’d kissed him in the kitchen, when her every thought in that moment had been tainted with anger. It had been so quick that she hadn’t really had the time to appreciate just how good his body felt against hers. He’d grown up and filled out more since they’d dated but he still felt familiar. He felt like her Jaime when his arms finally went around her and drew her closer in. He felt like home and she hadn’t realized just how homesick she had been. Her head dropped lightly, taking a deep breath and pressed her cheek against his shoulder and her lips were nearly touching his neck. The music filtered through the room, quiet enough to not be too distracting but loud enough that they had something to move to. Maybe it wasn’t much of as a dance as it was two people holding onto each other and swaying like letting go meant giving up and neither of them could bear to let that happen. Stevie turned her face a little her eyelashes brushing against his neck when she closed her eyes and let a sigh of contentment. They had tonight at least. Just before the start of the second chorus, Stevie started to sing along quietly, holding onto him a little bit tighter, moving her body just a little bit closer to his. She painted the words across his skin with her breath, the lyrics feeling more relevant than she’d anticipated when she’d chosen the song. How had she gone so long without him in her life? How could she make him stay this time? How could she be enough? Her lips brushed against his skin, words she couldn’t speak still tumbling from her lips. Why didn’t he understand that she missed him?

[mccnlights]

Jaime gave her a long look. He didn’t know if he wanted her to keep saying things like this, or to stop forever. It made his heart ache in ways it hadn’t in so long, and the feeling was uncomfortable. Like a muscle that had grown weary from disuse, he wasn’t quite sure how to act around her when she wasn’t screaming at him. He smiled at her regardless, unable to really resist. “It’s late, Stevie,” he told her, tugging at the sleeves of his hoodie, suddenly starting to feel like he was overheating. The argument was actually invalid - it was a Friday night, so neither of them had to be awake for work in the morning. He didn’t know her work schedule for the nighttime but he doubted there was a morning shift for bartenders. However, as he looked down at his hand in hers, he felt his resolve crumbling. “Plus, there’s no music.” Another ridiculous argument considering they both had cell phones and his fancy, over the top sound system was just a few yards away, but he was hoping that Stevie wouldn’t apply logic in this state.

[lilstevierae]

Something about the way Jaime looked at her made her heart skip.  It was his eyes, she’d always thought. They were so deep and blue, the most beautiful shade of blue that couldn’t quite compare to any shade they had a name for. Stevie would never use such a tacky metaphor like the sky or the ocean to describe the hue because those words seemed insignificant to the beauty. His eyes were the kind of blue that made her feel something. Looking into his eyes felt safe, familiar. Like a breezy Sunday summer morning, too early for a church service they’d skip, and walking through the park while everyone else still slept. They were like sneaking him into her bedroom window when her parents were fast asleep and she’d craved the feeling of his body pressed against hers. His eyes reminded her of the best parts of high school romance and even now they felt like the only thing that connected her to the happy and blissfully naive teenage girl she used to be and perhaps it was all the whiskey soaking into her bloodstream but his eyes were pulling her in even when his words were trying to push her away. “It’s not late,” she whispered, words only a little mumbled. “And we can turn on music.” Not wanting to risk losing this moment with him she reached with her free had to where her pockets would be when she suddenly remembered that the all too short dress she had borrowed for the night didn’t have pockets and her phone was in her purse. She fumbled with the clasp on the tiny cross body clutch until the device was in her hand and unlocked it. If it took three tries to get the code right no one had to know. Stevie still had the song Collide on her phone and she could remember dancing to it with Jaime years ago but tonight was about new memories. Not the old. Tonight was about pretending they’d never broken up, that they shared this apartment because they loved each other and wanted to. Or at least, for Stevie Rae, that’s what this moment was for. Her nervous fingers landed on a song, Mary Lambert’s When You Sleep, and as the song filtered loudly through her phone’s speaker she set it on the coffee table, moving the hand she held to her hip and wrapping her arms around Jaime’s neck, her face pressing against the crook of his neck. “Dance with me, Jaime. I want new good memories with you. Please just dance with me,” she murmured the words against his skin, certain he could feel her heart pounding in her chest when she pulled back enough to look at him. “Jai, please.”

[mccnlights]

At Stevie’s words, Jaime just looked over at her, amused smirk on his face. He’d never seen her this drunk before, not even when they’d broken into her parents’ liquor cabinet and pretended to not wince when the alcohol burned their throats. Again, young and stupid and so naïve to what life would bring to them. Sure, they’d gotten sufficiently drunk, but it hadn’t been like this. Jaime tried to focus on driving instead of the girl in his passenger seat, but it was hard. When they finally made it to their building, he pulled into the parking lot, putting the car in park and taking the keys out of the ignition quickly so that he could get to the other side to help her out of the car. They made it successfully into the building and into the elevator without any mishaps, Stevie’s hand firmly around her waist, keeping her close against his side as to not let her fall if she became unsteady on her feet. The elevator dinged and they reached their apartment, Jaime digging around in his pocket for his keys, opening the door and gesturing for her to go first. Once they were inside and the door was closed. “You should probably get some rest,” he told her with a small smile. 

[lilstevierae]

Stevie stayed mostly quiet for the short ride back to their apartment, only humming along a little bit to the radio. She tried to keep her eyes open to give off the illusion that she was far less drunk than she actually was but it just felt so nice to keep her eyes closed and focus on the way the car felt as it moved. She hadn’t been this drunk in a long time, never wanting to deal with the next day;s hangover and also not wanting to make a stupid decision with someone she’d regret the next day. And alcohol was expensive anyhow; she didn’t have someone else’s credit card to swipe. It had been so long since she’d let loose and been so hammered her heart felt like it was singing and she reaalized she missed it. Not the kind of drunk she’d been alone after her father died and Jaime had disappeared; drinking to forget wasn’t fun. The kind of drunk her friends had gotten her after her first real gig in the city where they’d danced all night on the beach until they’d been told to leave. It was a nice feeling, this invincibility that overtook her, and when Jaime had helped her out of the car and she’d slipped her arm around him to help keep steady she almost thought she could kiss him without consequence. The problem with being this drunk on whiskey was her lack of timing and they were in the apartment before she had a chance to make a move. Stevie could hear herself singing quietly and she stopped suddenly when the realization hit her, meeting Jaime’s eyes with a wide gaze, her lips forming a slight. “I’m not tired, Jai. I’m wide awake and I wanna dance.” She paused, reaching out to grab hold of his hand. “I wanna dance with you, Jai.”

[mccnlights]

When Stevie kissed his cheek, Jaime pulled back looking at her for a moment. That was the second time she’d initiated something like that, and he swallowed hard, managing a small smile for her when she finally spoke up. “Of course,” he told her softly, grabbing her hand for a second and squeezing it in his own. “Didn’t like the thought of you all alone to fend for yourself.” He shrugged, giving her another small smile and a lingering look before pulling away, closing the passenger door before circling around to the driver’s seat. He shoved the key into the ignition and put the car in drive, and soon enough they were on their way back to the apartment. He rolled the windows down so that she could get some fresh air, and glanced over at her. “Do you feel sick at all?” he asked.

[lilstevierae]

Jaime squeezing her hand was a pleasant surprise and his words provided her with a comfort she hadn’t felt in quite some time. Not from him at least  He didn’t want her to be alone and she knew she was reading far too into that small, offhanded statement but she couldn’t bring herself to care. He’d shut the door before she could say anything else and she let her eyes fall closed as well,, humming out a breath with a smile tugging at her lips. As long as she didn’t remember any of this the next day she couldn’t think of a reason not to be nice to him, to tell him things she’d been keeping to herself far longer than she wanted to. His question had her turning in her seat, watching his profile as he started the drive to their building and it took her a little longer to process the question than normal. “Pfft. No, I do not feel sick. I feel perfectly fine. I’m not even that drunk. I can handle my alcohol.”

[mccnlights]

It shouldn’t have felt so easy, the way he tucked her into his side. It didn’t matter that they were in a crowded night club, or that by all means she should hate him. Jaime couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that she’d texted him. She had plenty of other friends from work, from the building. Ryla had enough experience picking him up from trashy parties that she’d have easily been able to handle a giggly, happy-go-lucky Stevie Rae. Despite the fact that she was drunk, and her guard was down, it was so refreshing to see her like this. As she continued, however, Jaime’s jaw clenched. It was all he’d ever wanted to know that she knew that there had to be more to what happened between them than just what appeared on the surface, but there was something off about hearing it like this. These were things that she’d probably have never admitted sober, things she likely didn’t want him to know. He looked down at her once she admitted that she still had the jacket from all those years ago, and he had to wonder why she still kept it. Why hadn’t she thrown it away once he’d left? He let out a short laugh, trying to keep up her mood until they reached his car. He opened the passenger side door, helping her up into the seat and then assisting her in fastening her seat belt. “Keep the jacket,” he told her, finally. “It looked better on you anyway.”

[lilstevierae]

Stevie was completely oblivious to the inner turmoil Jaime was facing, too wrapped up in her happy memories and how nice everything felt. It was just perfect, being here with him. A mistake, surely, but it just felt so right. It was true she could have texted countless other people in her phone but the only person she wanted to be with right now was Jaime. Despite everything that had transpired between the pair of them, he was the one she wanted to have by her side tonight and she just wasn’t sure why. Perhaps it was because of all the strange things that had happened between the two of them lately, the kiss, the moment on the couch with the guitar where he’d really opened up to her. He’d shown her that he wasn’t a lost cause, that he was still the guy she’d been in love with once upon a time. She’d let herself feel things for him that she’d blocked out long ago. She just couldn’t be mad at him anymore. She didn’t have it in her. When he helped her up into the seat and buckled her in she leaned forward, pressing a kiss to his cheek before he could move out of the way. “Thank you for coming to get me. I was really hopin’ you would.”

[mccnlights]

He saw her down the rest of her drink out of the corner of his eye, but decided to not say anything. It’s something he would’ve done had the situation been in reverse, and she was right, it was a waste. Still, she was already drunk enough that he was pretty sure that half a whiskey drink wasn’t going to do any more damage than had already been done. He smiled down at her, just nodding and humoring her. His main goal at this point was just getting her home and safe in her bed, no point in arguing. Especially when she was so cute when she smiled at him with no reservations. At her question, he shrugged. “You should be fine. If you’re cold, you can have mine,” he promised, holding out his hand to help her off the barstool. When they began making their way through the club, he snaked his hand around her waist once more. She was unsteady on her feet, and the last thing they needed was her falling and hurting herself. He let out a laugh at her next words, shaking his head lightly. “Maybe next time,” he told her. There wouldn’t be a next time, most likely. He knew that, but he’d have said anything to keep her smiling. He wouldn’t quite know how to deal with her if she started getting emotional, and he figured it was best to keep things light. Finally, they got to the door, and he opened the door, breathing in the fresh air. “My car’s a block away, alright?” he told her. “Just a little bit of a walk.”

[lilstevierae]

Stevie giggled a little bit, pressing closer to Jaime with each step she took. She liked the heavy weight of his hand on her waist, liked the close proximity she was so unused to getting from him. “Remember that time you gave me your jacket because I was cold and I promised to give it back to you but I never did because I just kept wearing it?” she asked, his offer jogging her memory. “You pretend you aren’t a nice guy but I remember,” she sang the words more than she spoke them, though she was unaware if he could even hear her over the music. Her head was in a different place, clouded with happy thoughts and memories and old feelings that didn’t hurt her. Everything just felt nice and she dropped her head to his shoulder, humming nonsense under her breath. By the time she could feel the night air on her skin she’d started giggling again, amused by the thought of dancing with Jaime at a club the next time she went out. Maybe if she’d texted him a bit earlier she’d have that wish tonight but she didn’t think her limbs were cooperating enough that she wouldn’t make a fool of herself. The dress she’d borrowed left enough skin exposed that the breeze felt nice against her and even if asking for his hoodie was tempting she thought once more of his jacket from long ago and another giggle slipped out. “I have a confession to make. I still have your jacket. I should probably give it back to you but I’m not going to.”

[mccnlights]

Jaime had to fight a smile at Stevie’s greeting - it was the happiest to see him he’d ever seen her be since she moved in with him. He knew it was because she was obviously, ridiculously drunk. If her breath hadn’t smelled of whiskey, then her casual touch would’ve given it away. “Hey,” he replied, not quite able to suppress the smile as she continued. He watched as she reached for her drink, biting down on the inside of his cheek. “I think you’ve had enough, okay? Let’s get you out of here.” He called over the bartender, and handed over his credit card to cover her tab, not even caring how much it ended up being. He didn’t remove his hand from her waist either. He would’ve told anyone else that he was afraid of her falling over, or that he was warding off other guys from coming up to her. The last thing she needed was some overly handsy guy being all over her when she wasn’t in the state of mind to say no. At her question he raised an eyebrow. “I wasn’t exactly expecting you to call me,” he started, leaning in to talk in her ear over the loud, thumping music. “What do you say we get out of here, okay? I’ll drive you home.”

[lilstevierae]

She couldn’t help but pout at him slightly when he told her she’d had enough, eyeing the half finished drink. “Aw, but that’s such a waste of alcohol. Look how much is left, Jaime. It’s half full.” She waited while he called for the bartender, quickly downing the rest and pushing the glass behind her closer to the other woman sitting a few places down.. Maybe Jaime wouldn’t notice. He had a way of not noticing things so it seemed like a solid plan, even in Stevie’s liquored up haze. She stayed close to him, more than a little unsteady on her feet and mainly because she liked the proximity. “I didn’t call you, I texted you,” she reminded him playfully, still grinning in his direction. “Maybe you’re the one who’s been drinking. Is it cold outside? Do I need a hoodie?” she asked suddenly, the question oddly important to her. His question had her laughing again, thinking of how she’d been considering letting someone random take her home but when she went to share the joke with him she found she wasn’t really in the mood to speak so loudly for so long to explain it. Instead she nodded, leaning into him as they started the walk to the exit of the club, reveling in the familiarity of his touch. She should have don this a long time ago. “I was gonna ask you to dance.”

[mccnlights]

It had been a rough day at work, to say the least. When his boss was close to a case, he tended to make everyone miserable, and he’d worked two hours longer than he was supposed to. He’d planned on going out, but there was no chance of it now. He considered inviting over someone for a quick fuck, but he honestly didn’t feel like putting in the effort to make himself presentable for even that. When he’d gotten home, Stevie wasn’t there, so he figured she was either at work, or with friends. That was fine. They hadn’t really spoken much after the other night, because neither really knew what to say, or to how quite move on from it. What Jaime hadn’t realized was how unused to being alone he’d gotten. Usually just knowing that Stevie was in her room or in the kitchen or just somewhere in the apartment was oddly comforting, but he felt somewhat unsettled. He turned on the TV for a bit of background noise as he reheated some takeout from the night before, settling into the couch and preparing for an early night. When his phone vibrated on the coffee table, he leaned forward and saw Stevie’s name, eyebrow raised. He unlocked it to open the message, and his stomach dropped at what he saw. From what he could make out of her horribly misspelled message, she was clearly drunk and needed a ride home. The club she named wasn’t too far from the apartment, and Jaime raced to find the first pair of shoes he could find, grabbing his keys off the kitchen counter. He drove faster than he probably should’ve, but the idea of Stevie alone and defenseless in a club with people she didn’t know scared him more than he’d ever admit to anyone. His phone kept buzzing, and when he read the words “I miss you”, Jaime stared at the screen for a second too long, swerving back into his lane as he drove. Once he’d found a parking spot, he jumped out of the car and skipped the line, slipping the bouncer a one hundred dollar bill before being let in. He looked out of place in a hoodie, and the club was hot, but for the first time in a long time, he wasn’t really concerned about himself. He scanned the crowd, looking for the familiar face, and when he spotted her at the bar with a guy who was touching her way more than he would’ve liked, he swallowed hard. Clenching his teeth, he pushed through the crowd over to her, slipping a hand around her waist, and eyeing the other guy. “Fuck off. She’s with me,” he ground out, in a tone that clearly stated that he wasn’t kidding around. The guy held up his hands, backing away, and it was only when he’d disappeared into the throngs of people that he turned to look at Stevie. “You okay?” he asked, trying to survey how drunk she actually was.

[lilstevierae]

By the time Jaime arrived at the club, Stevie had nearly forgotten she’d texted him in the first place. The amount of alcohol in her system had jumbled her thoughts and the entire time the man at the bar was talking to her she couldn’t for the life of her figure out how to get rid of him. The attention was unwanted but in the dim lights with the music blasting through the speakers, the bass so strong she could feel it everywhere, she wondered what it was like to just go home with a stranger. Jaime did it all the time, most of her friends did. They just fell into people without a second thought and maybe that would be a way to forget how much she hurt. The alcohol did a good job at numbing her feelings but how bad could sleeping with a stranger be if nearly everyone she knew did it? Maybe not the guy sitting next to her who wouldn’t stop breathing nonsense at her but surely someone in the club could fill that position. It could help her forget Jaime, which had been her original plan for the evening but when she heard his voice telling the man with his beer to back off she couldn’t think of a single reason why she’d want to forget him. Her eyes were on him even while he watched to make sure the creeper had disappeared and when his blue eyes finally locked on her she smiled. He clearly wasn’t dressed to be out at a club, nor did he look like he wanted his evening interrupted but she couldn’t find it in her to feel guilty. Stevie was just too pleased to see him that she forgot to be upset about their strange encounter earlier in the week. “Heeey,” she drew out the word, reaching out to put her hand on his hip, chin tilted up so she could see his face. “I didn’t think you’d come for me. I was gonna find someone to take me home but oh look you’re here to do that. My hero.” The words made her laugh and she reached for her drink with her free hand to finish it off. “Why are you wearing a hoodie in a club?”

[lilstevierae]

Stevie had never really been the biggest fan of drinking with the sole intention of getting drunk. She found it to be much more fun when it wound up being a happy accident. Setting out with the goal of forgetting everything and letting loose inhibitions just seemed depressing yet here she was, some club she’d heard about at work, a place her friends had dragged her to before for a girls’ night that consisted of fruity drinks and dancing. Tonight she’d set out with one friend, but the girl was long gone and while Stevie had been downing shots with her, ordering them alone seemed a lot more depressing. She’d taken a break from dancing, too tired to do much more than slip onto a bar stool next to a group of girls as to be left alone to sip on the whiskey sour she’d ordered to look busy. Her tab was likely higher than she’d set out to spend but with all the liquor in her system it seemed impossible to be upset about it. It seemed impossible to be upset about anything. She was numb and happy albeit more than slightly tired and as the group of girls she’d taken comfort in blending in with got up to dance to some remix of a song she could no longer recognize, it became clear it was time to head home. It took a few tries but she managed to unlock her phone and after a struggle she landed on Jaime’s number, opening a new message to him. It was definitely a challenge to spell pretty much anything but she did her best to let him know where she was and that she needed a ride. And if she sent him seven more messages in a row asking him to come pick her up and if she happened to add in that she missed him, well, she wouldn’t remember the next day anyway. Her last message begged him to hurry up, she was too drunk and alone and they very much needed to talk but then a man slipped in the seat next to her, ordering her another drink and moving a little too close for Stevie’s comfort. He stayed for a bit, insisting on keeping his hand on her back as he spoke about how lovely she looked in some very impolite terms and Stevie only laughed awkwardly, hoping someone would come to pick her up soon.

[mccnlights]

Jaime looked at her for a lingering moment, trying to figure out where this conversation had gone wrong. It was his fault, of course. It was always his fault, but he’d tried. It had been sort of a lame attempt, but for a minute it had felt like they were getting somewhere. Making some sort of progress. He thought, maybe if they really worked at it, they could get to a place where they weren’t fighting every other day. Maybe that’s not what she wanted, though. Maybe this was the distance they had to keep to avoid hurting each other more than they already were. “Yeah,” he agreed again. “You should probably sleep too,” he offered, lifting himself off the couch, and stretching out a hand to help her up, if she wanted it.

[lilstevierae]

When Jaime stood up, Stevie wished for a fleeting moment that they could go back to him playing that stupid Oasis song on her guitar. She wanted to believe that everything had changed but looking at him now she knew that it hadn’t. It likely never would. He was too proud to apologize on his own and she wasn’t desperate enough to ask him to. Her hand was in his before she could even think about it and when she’d pulled herself up she found she was a lot closer than she anticipated the move would bring her. “Um. Yeah, okay,” she stumbled over the words, holding onto him a little longer than necessary, hoping that would suffice her desire to hug him. “Goodnight, I guess?” she whispered, waiting one more beat before pulling her hand away and reaching to pick up her guitar.

[mccnlights]

At this point, Jaime didn’t even know what he was trying to say to Stevie. Though he was being cryptic this was the most honest he’d ever been with her since she moved in, and maybe, he was coming onto an idea he hadn’t quite realized just yet. Still, he was too stubborn (and too drunk) to really think about it right now, so instead he just looked at her. He knew it sounded like he was asking for forgiveness, but he also knew that he wouldn’t get it until he apologized for what he’d done, and for some reason, he couldn’t even fathom that. It was so against everything he’d built himself up to be and believe in over the last few years, he couldn’t even imagine letting those words falling from his mouth. As much as he longed for them to be back to what they were in any small capacity he could get it, he was also addicted to self-destruction and an absolute sucker for the madness. All of this was easier than dealing with whatever else they had going on. Apologizing and asking for redemption would mean fixing some things about himself that Jaime wasn’t sure he was ready to let go of. And it was so stupid, because it was so obvious to him that Stevie was worth anything he’d have to give up. There was a part of him that would do anything to have her not hate him, but there was also a part of him that wanted to run as fast as he could. Feeling too much had gotten him in trouble before, and he wasn’t ready to break her heart again. Or, more selfishly, his own. He sighed at the way she said his name, almost like she was pitying him, and that’s not what he wanted in the slightest. He swallowed hard at her final words, he just nodded. “You’re right,” he agreed, figuring this was as good a time as any to just give up. “It’s late, I’m drunk, you’re probably tired, so uh…sorry for keeping you up, I guess.” Maybe trying to comfort her had been a mistake, maybe even letting her move in had been a mistake. Jaime just wanted to smack himself for thinking that he could be the nice guy ever again when it was so clear that she didn’t think he could be. What was the point?

[lilstevierae]

Ever since she’d first moved in with Jaime she’d known it was a bad idea. Nothing good could come out of living with an ex, especially one who’d ruined her the way he had. The first few days after settling in she’d hid out in her room, terrified of running into him in the small, shared space. She’d always wanted to live with him, had dreamed about it when they walked through the town together. She’d always wanted him in her life but not like this. It was time to let go of everything she wanted because it was nothing she would ever have. Not anymore. Glancing around the apartment in the stretched out silence, she could see little things of hers, things she’d set out to make the place feel more like a home to her. It wasn’t a lot, nor was it entirely important to her but she could pack it together quickly if she needed to. And sitting here, having this conversation that only verified that she couldn’t have everything, Stevie Rae felt like she needed to. It was masochistic of her to have stayed this long, to allow her heart to ache whenever her eyes caught him, whenever he brought someone home for the night. Fighting with him was the only way she could convince herself that she didn’t care but how could she go back to that now? And how did she expect herself to move on if she had to look at him every single day? He was trying, she could see that, but he wasn’t trying hard enough and she just wasn’t sure she could wait around anymore. “It’s fine, just. You should probably get some sleep. And I should probably...” she trailed off, unsure what she planned on doing.

[mccnlights]

He watched as she snatched the guitar back, watched as her fingers landed on the strings so naturally, like she barely had to think about it. He couldn’t help but think that’s how they used to be. Everything was so simple, easy as breathing. He never had to think twice about calling her, or even dropping by her house. Looking at her now, seeing how easily they fell back into that pattern, he wondered how he’d ever let go of that. He wondered what would’ve been different if he’d been honest with her, if he’d let himself grieve with her. What would he be doing? Would they still be right here? Jaime tried to live with no regrets - he’d found that they were a waste of time and held him back from having fun in the present, but lately, it was so hard to ignore that nagging feeling that pulled at his chest every time she walked in the room. He watched her face in reaction to his words, and he couldn’t quite decipher what she was thinking. He knew he was constantly hurting her, and he knew that he wasn’t doing anything to make it better. He didn’t know if he could let her walk out of his life again, and at her question, he just shrugged. He didn’t even really know what he was talking about. “I’d like to think the universe believes in second chances,” he said, knowing that he wasn’t being any more clear than he’d been before. “Shit like this doesn’t just happen, Stevie. It doesn’t…I don’t know, I just…” he was rambling, and not quite sure how to stop. Maybe he was drunker than he thought he was. Sighing, Jaime looked down at his hands, shrugging once more. “I just don’t like fighting with you,” he finally mumbled, looking at her for a second before breaking the eye contact once more.  

[lilstevierae]

Even though tonight had been a rare change to the way her and Jaime usually treated each other, Stevie had a feeling when she woke up tomorrow everything would go back to being the same. They’d bump into each other in the kitchen and either wouldn’t speak at all or she’d snap at him for something and that would be it. They’d revert to old behavior and pretend this moment on the couch never happened. Except this moment was not one that Stevie would ever forget. She’d been able to remember a time with Jaime fondly after spending so much time looking back in anger and that scared her. It was hard enough fighting off her feelings and living in denial even when she convinced herself that she hated him, that after everything they’d been through there was no hope, but now she feared she’d be victim to the return of everything she’d felt for him. She could already feel it, the butterflies in her stomach when their eyes met over the guitar. And everything he was saying was filling her with a false sense of hope. Maybe he really finally realized that he’d fucked up and that he was meant to be with her, that he never should have left her behind in the first place. They could work through it if they tried, right? Or would she find out that wouldn’t be enough in the end? It was too much and he wasn’t making sense or she was reading into it too much. “Second chances?” she repeated, glancing up at him. His eyes weren’t on her and it was so easy to see the sixteen year old kid she’d fallen for so long ago. He seemed so unsure and it tugged at her heart. “Jaime,” she began, but telling him that it wasn’t that simple when he was looking so... She couldn’t bring herself to say the words. Her heartbeat picked up and she swallowed hard, choking back all the words she couldn’t bring herself to say and when he glanced her way she looked away too. If he simply apologized she knew she’d fall back into him too easily and the realization threatened tears. “It’s late.”

[mccnlights]

Jaime remembered when things had started to get a little more difficult. When he realized that they wouldn’t be a small town fairytale that he’d been thinking about since they met her. He thought he could handle it, though. When it was her he was breaking down he could be the guy to hold it together. He felt her loss secondhand - Stevie’s father had accepted him into their family, and it wasn’t something he could easily forget. He could let her cry into his shoulder and hold her hand and whisper things into her ear like “I’m here for you” and “everything is going to be okay”. Until he realized that life doesn’t stop for anybody. It doesn’t give you a break, it doesn’t care what you’re dealing with. It places the next challenge right in front of you, and you either treat it like a mere obstacle, or you crumble under the pressure. When he experienced his own tragedy, he’d completely shut down. There wasn’t anything Stevie could’ve said to get through to him, nothing she could’ve done to prevent what he’d done. But it had never been her fault - she’d been too good for him the whole time. Her words made him swallow hard around a lump in his throat, and he put the guitar aside. “Yeah,” he agreed, because he couldn’t quite form the word ‘sorry’. If only she knew how much he thought about her, about them. If only she knew how aware he was of the mistakes he’d made. If only she knew that he knew that she was the best goddamned thing to happen to him, but he was too scared to do anything about it. At her question, he just shrugged. “It’s gotta be a sign, right? That you’re here. And I’m here. And we’re like, you know, in each other’s lives again,” he said looking up at her for a quick second. “Maybe it’s like, the universe sayin’ something." 

[lilstevierae]

A sign. A sign for what? Stevie couldn’t even begin to understand what he was saying to her. He had to be more intoxicated than she’d originally thought and she reached for her guitar that he’d set down to hold close to her like a shield to protect herself. It was a little messed up but she’d become used to the strong feeling she had to put up a wall to protect herself whenever Jaime was around. It ached to simply look at him, fighting with him was the only way she’d found that she could actually hold his attention. And wasn’t that the most pathetic thing? Even after everything that had happened between the two of them Stevie Rae craved to be the center of his thoughts even if it was only for a moment and the thoughts were shadowed in anger. She just wanted to mean something to him again because in spite of everything he still meant so much to her. Wasn’t that written all over her face when she glanced his way? She’d kissed him. She’d kissed him in the middle of an argument because she felt too much to hold it back and if he hadn’t figured out that she longed for him to care about her then she didn’t know what else she could do. Her fingers moved over the frets of her guitar, trying to come up with a way to respond to the words she didn’t understand. Maybe she finally was getting what she wanted but the very idea of that terrified her. If she was wrong, if she spoke the feelings swirling inside of her and he broke her heart again she didn’t know if she’d be able to face him again. Stevie played a few chords of one of the many songs she’d written about him and glanced his way through her eyelashes. “What do you think it means, then? We’re supposed to be in each other’s lives or somethin’?” she asked after a moment, still playing quietly.

[rylabeckham-blog]

“Plus all the money you have to spend getting into places as well as on drinks and things like that can really add up if you’re not careful.” Clubbing wasn’t exactly Ryla’s favorite activity to spend her free time. Every so often the desire did make itself known and she did put forth the effort and money to have a nice night out, but that’s really all it took for her to realize this wasn’t an every night thing. She was used to the constant ribbing from people like her coworkers whenever she politely turned down their Friday night invitations, as well as she was used to the constant friendly lectures on how she was young and she should be out doing things. She found it nice that they thought of her and were worried that she wasn’t really living her selfish years to their full potential, but they just had different definitions and ways about doing that. It was something she appreciated when it came to Stevie, that she didn’t try and make Ryla feel bad because a night in was something more valuable to her than loud music and crowded dance floors. As Stevie posed her question, Ryla thought for a moment about all the events that had gone by since the two of them had spent time together. “Well I think Isaac has a crush on a girl in one of his classes,” Her smile turned wide and fond as she thought back to the conversation she and her mother had had earlier in the week. “Of course he wont tell me about it because he thinks he’s too cool to admit his feelings but it’s cute how embarrassed he gets whenever I can get him on the phone long enough to talk about it.” Her ending words took on a bit of a more morose tone while she spoke of her younger brother. She missed him like crazy some days and it just felt like he was growing up everyday and she was missing out. Part of her felt a little selfish that she’d moved kind of across country just to pursue her own dreams and it seemed she was paying the price on missing some key moments in her family’s life. Shaking her head out of that thought she eagerly turned the attention back on Stevie. “What about you? Any closer to blowing up on the billboard and leaving us common folk in the dust?”

[lilstevierae]

“It can get really expensive. And it’s kind of ridiculous if you think about it, y’know? You pay to get into the club, you pay for each drink. It’s just more practical to buy a bottle of wine or somethin’ stronger if you’re in the mood for that and just have people over. Unless you’re in the mood for makin’ new friends then you kinda have to go out but,” Stevie lifted her shoulders in a shrug, letting the rest of the sentence trail off. It didn’t make sense to her sometimes how people expected to meet a potential partner at a club. The music made it hard to talk without shouting at each other and for some reason screaming in someone’s ear always made Stevie a little bit self conscious. But maybe that was the point. People didn’t go to clubs to meet people they were genuinely interested in making a life with, it was all casual sex because honestly you couldn’t possibly be interested in someone’s personality when you can’t even hear them. It was physical attraction. Sex. And Stevie wasn’t really a fan of sleeping around for fun. She’d never understood how people could do that but maybe it was the way she was raised. Ryla speaking of her brother had Stevie smiling fondly, thinking of her own siblings. She’d often wished she had a brother and she’d even questioned her parents on why they’d adopted three girls but they’d never given her much of an answer. “That’s so sweet! How old is he again? Blanche called me the other day to ask me for advice on what to wear to go to the movies with this boy she’s certain she’s in love with,” she smiled fondly as she spoke. “It’s hard when I can only help her over the phone.  Sometimes I wish I could be the one helpin’ her with her hair and her makeup or she could steal somethin’ or other from my closet but the best I can do is FaceTime with her while she tries everything she owns on.” It was nice to be able to talk to someone who understood what it was like to be an older sister who’d left home. “Maybe you could go back for a visit and question him about it. I’m sure he’d appreciate some advice even if he pretends there’s nothing going on.” Ryla’s question had her laughing, rolling her eyes at herself because she wasn’t making any progress at all. “First of all, I wouldn’t leave you in the dust,” she promised, shifting to get more comfortable. “Secondly, no. I have my regular gigs, y’know but that’s it. I’m makin’ a demo though! What about you? Any closer to being the next Masterchef? You should really audition for that show.”

[mccnlights]

Jaime wasn’t usually one for nostalgia. His past was shrouded in dark clouds and mistakes and horrible, awful, regrets, so most of the time there was very little room to look back with fondness. But sitting here with her made everything that much easier. Memories flooded back to him in waves soft smiles and butterflies in his stomach, and it all felt like he was looking in from a bird’s eye view. That he was looking down on someone else’s life. He hadn’t been the same person that had loved Stevie Rae for a long, long time. Not since the night that the police showed up at his door with news he never thought he’d have to hear, and everything was different. And he knew he should’ve turned to Stevie - she’d lost her own father less than two months earlier - she would’ve understood. But he couldn’t. Instead he’d retreated into an iron-clad shell. He stopped calling her back, avoided her at school. Became distant and withdrawn, and finally, when he knew he’d never see her again, he’d gotten ridiculously drunk and done the most unforgivable thing that he could think of. He let news travel like news does in a small town, let Stevie tell him off, and then he disappeared, hoping to be that asshole that she told all her friends about. Let some other perfect, small-town golden boy fix her, sweep her off her feet. It was just a teenage romance, anyway. But looking at her now, how could he believe that? How could it not have meant more when they still looked at each other this way? At her confession, he smiled almost sheepishly. “I told myself that I didn’t get to kiss you until I got the balls to ask you out,” he admitted. “Wanted to do it right. Seems kinda stupid now, though.” He shrugged, looking down when she thanked him. “Don’t like seeing ya sad. Never have.”

[lilstevierae]

Looking back on that whirlwind year usually only caused one emotion for her. Hurt. Stevie had been so happy with Jaime. She’d been so ridiculously happy and in love with him in only the way a teenager could be in love. Everything had been easy and perfect and even when things started to fall apart for her, he’d been there to help pick up the pieces. He’d been there for her when it happened and he’d held her hand through the beginning of the worst days of her life. He’d been at the funeral, everyone she cared about had. He’d helped her through it. But funerals weren’t the hardest days. They were hard, God, they were hard and painful and the end of a chapter but she’d had people around her. It wasn’t until she was home again, when the house was void of her father’s voice and his laugh that everything had really fallen apart. Jaime had been there for her through it but when his mother had passed Stevie had been shut out completely. And she’d always blamed herself for it. Maybe she hadn’t been a good support system. Maybe he didn’t think she’d be able to handle comforting him. Maybe he realized he could find someone else, someone who wasn’t stuck taking care of three kids. Maybe she’d always been the problem. Why else would he have shut her out and let another girl take her place? “We did a lot of things when we were teenagers that seem stupid now,” she murmured, running a hand through her hair nervously. She didn’t know what this conversation meant in the long run and every second that passed made it a little more confusing. He had alcohol as an excuse. She didn’t have anything. “What are we doing, Jaime?”

[rylabeckham-blog]

“I can definitely relate to that,” Ryla nodded her head in understanding. When Ryla wasn’t home in her kitchen or out in the market she spent most of her days on her feet making sure people in the restaurant she worked at were happy. And more often than not that wasn’t always the case so she spent a lot of her time dealing with a lot of unhappy people and that could just be so extremely exhausting. It had her appreciating a good night in and time pent alone a lot more than she had when she was younger. “I find that a good night in is often unappreciated but can be very beneficial when you spend almost every day in the company of so many people. With the added benefit of catching up with friends, well that’s just icing on the cake.” Walking herself out of the kitchen and into the open plan living room she finally dropped down onto the couch, kicking her shoes off as well as she looked back over at Stevie. “I don’t mind, honestly. I’m always doing things I want when I’m alone so it’s a welcome change.” Her hand reached out and patted the cushion next to her as an invitation for Stevie to join her. “I think I might just be in the mood for some sesame chicken and some rice. A nice classic.”

[lilstevierae]

“You are definitely right about that. And sometimes it’s hard to really catch up with people when you’re on a night out. It’s usually just loud music and drinking and when you get home you realize you still haven’t asked your friends how they’re doing,” Stevie shrugged. When she did go out to a club she typically went with her friends from work. She saw them on a daily basis so she actually had the time to hear about their lives and their problems and everything else in the world they wanted to talk about. She already knew everything that they wanted her to; going out was simply an excuse to have fun and not talk. That seemed to be the common theme in her nights out, anyway. With the number for the Chinese place waiting to be dialed, Stevie took the seat next to Ryla, noting in her ead what her friend wanted before hitting the call button and rattling off the order. She added on some crab rangoons because who didn’t appreciate one or two of those and then Ryla’s apartment number. When that was all squared away and being prepared she let out a sigh and smiled. “Since we’re catching up, is there anything you want to talk about?”