I know that if I wasn't on antidepressants I would be lying in my bed crying.
I would silently scream. To get that thing out of me.
That heavy thing that sits in my chest and that I just know is black.
That thing that that I can feel is heavy but still try to breath out. Breath by breath.
I know that if I wasn't on antidepressants I wouldnt be so calm right now.
I wouldn't feel so calm on the outside and that nervous twist in me wouldn't be so little.
I still feel like I have to move my fingers. To get the nervousness out of me.
I still have to move my hand. Shake it, while not being sure if I can control it.
I still have an crazy itch at the side of my head, at my right shoulder blade, that I just have to scratch with my not quite controlled hand.
I can feel an echo of the things I had to put up with.
Im glad it's just an echo.
But something in me wants it. Doesn't really want it. Wants it to be bad enough to be able to let it out.
I know that that's not how it works, but i still make up scenes to cry and get into that thing.
I cant sleep, i feel unblanced, speak less and am tired.
It's not depression, not really. I know those are early symptoms, but it hasn't come in a long time, so it won't come now.
I also don't have a logical reason for it. Not that the reason has to be logical...
But I dont have one. A reason.
But sometimes it comes and you discover a reason or you feel like you are making one up.
I don't have hate thoughts in my head.
My self esteem is lots better and my situation is better. That sounds like I was in a bad situation, when i wasn't really.
I have friends, actual friends, not school friends, not people that never wanna do something with me.
I don't have the pressure of what am I doing this weekend?
Don't have the Am I Good Enough, the Does Anybody Love Me, the self hate. And most importantly I don't have those heart wrenching nights, the I can't take this again nights. The soundless crying, silent screaming, heavy thing in my chest that ain't going out, the thoughts anymore.
I still cant sleep and have a weight in my chest.
yousharknotpass
romaincrisis
snowghoul
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