linhquiry

yyj to yyc cause my soul lost its way. here's my quest to find myself.

[linhquiry]

I don’t like November.

I get scared, and when I do, I try to ignore it.

It is an awful coping strategy. I bury myself in so much work and tasks that I cannot possibly address the actual thing that is bothering me. 

I know what is bothering me now. 

It’s time to do the positive kind of coping. I need to acknowledge it. I need to name it.

I’m not going to let it take all of my attention anymore.

[linhquiry]

Break.

It’s been a really long time sine I have posted on here. Not too sure why.

The move from YYJ to YYC was a huge moment in my life, and I think that since I had so much spare time I could afford to write more. Or maybe I thought that this blog would be a way to keep me reflective of my life and the emotions I was experiencing with the move? 

With that being said, I’ve been in YYC now for a few years. I don’t seem to be posting as much here, but I’ve been finding some type of routine with old fashioned journalling. I find that I am able to type faster, but the secrecy of a paper journal has an allure. 

I love to pull out my notebook and a nice inky pen and start scribbling out my thoughts. I practice my handwriting, and I imagine that I’m writing meaningful and powerful words. (In reality, it’s just jibberish).

I wouldn’t say I’m giving up the linhquiry, but I’m just taking a short break...

[linhquiry]

My insecurities are too much.

[linhquiry]

July 30

I am a straight up mess.

[linhquiry]

I dislike myself greatly at this moment.

[linhquiry]

Absence

I haven’t been writing very much anywhere. It’s interesting.

I have been putting off reflecting about it.

I’m sure that the longer I procrastinate this, the more detrimental it will become. Writing and pouring out thoughts (whether it be here or in my paper journal) soothes me. 

...but maybe that’s just it. Maybe I don’t need to be soothed as much?

Is it possible that throughout all of these years, the ups have been lived and the downs have been reflected upon - ruminated on - stewed in?

[linhquiry]

weekends means headaches

The weekend always means a headache for me.  I’m not sure why, but I struggle so much with the weekend.

[linhquiry]

Morning person.

I love mornings.

I get so much done in the mornings - it’s remarkable.

After work I typically spend socializing on the phone (I’m one of those girls), eating, and sleeping.

So, mornings are my safe haven where I can get the most done.

This morning is no exception.  In 20 minutes, I’ve gotten a series of resources collected for my next weeks’ lessons, updated my planner, had a cup of coffee, and researched some art projects.

Now I need to change out of my jammies.

(Although, I do love mornings with a bit of sunrise...it’s been a long time since I have seen that).

[linhquiry]

Elephant takes a new shape

After trying to establish a rapport with my neighbour, I am back to square one.  They were up laughing at 3 a.m.  I don’t mind laughter, but at 3 a.m.?  I think 3 a.m. is for sleeping.

I’m not pleased, but too anxious and nervous to say anything.

[linhquiry]

Sunday

I am noticing that I am getting anxious and stressed out again.  It’s dormant and just lurks at the back of my mind.

I don’t know why, but it feels like I’m just worried about every little thing.

[linhquiry]

pen & paper

When I don’t journal (whether it be digitally or through pen & paper) I feel sad.  It has proven to be something that I need to help me go through the weeks.  I think I skipped 3 days, and I felt really unpleasant.

I also need to use my planner.  I didn’t use it for 2 days, and I thought my life was swirling.  What is the dependence for?  Why do I need to look at it?  Sometimes I just write a list and check it off at the end of the day (or cross it off, depending if I finished it).  But I didn’t write a list for Thursday & Friday and that made those days too frenzied for me.

I either need to practice being more easygoing and flexible, or I need to just look at my planner in the morning at coffee.

[linhquiry]

Jan 17

Emotions.

It’s a hot beast that rips through me.

I wouldn’t classify this as anxiety. It’s just an overarching pressure all over my body. It clings at me like old perfume. I’m not sure what it grew from, but it is now my shadow.

I want it gone.

[linhquiry]

Paper planner

You’ve probably noticed an absence on the blog, but that’s only because I have been writing paper journal entries. 

It’s been liberating. 

I’ve forgotten to cart out my journal though.  Well, I shouldn’t say that.  I was half debating whether or not I’d have time to journal or feel the need to.  It is evident that I have time to journal, and I think I should.  I’ve been feeling weird lately because I’ve neglected it.

I might have to pop downtown (of my hometown) to get one tomorrow.  I refuse to buy a journal that isn’t beautiful.  It’s essential to write on pages that evoke joy.

It’s been raining here - as per usual.

I’ve had the worst allergies and a bit of a cold.  I just popped an antihistamine so I had to take a nap, and I’m still drowsy.  It’s been a long time since I’ve clawed at my skin like I did today.

Oh, the joys of being back.

[linhquiry]

Journalling

I have been writing a lot in my paper journal.  It has helped me get through so much in the last year.  I love online journalling, but there is something really reassuring and almost permanent about the words I scrawl out in my favourite pen.

[linhquiry]

Monday morning

I thought I was being smart by making my bed while still in it.  Big mistake.

I don’t know how anyone could resist the comfort and warmth of a tidied up bed.

I was practically glued in there afterwards.

[linhquiry]

I have to remember: through every struggle and obstacle there is a lesson is learned.

AND not to feel fearand shame.  I don’t need to validate my feelings -  I am allowed to have these feelings.  It isn’t about comparison.  It isn’t about first world problems.  I’m a human, and I am allowed to feel.

[linhquiry]

Books & early morning reading

Life is too short to read books that you don’t love.

I tried about 40 pages of a book before I thought, “It’s too short!  What are you trying to accomplish??  Quantity over quality in this case will not benefit me.”

So, I’m on the hunt for another book.