If I had succeeded, I never would have known.
I never would have felt the sun on my face this morning, or experienced how quiet it gets. I would have missed the summer thunderstorms and the power of lightning that inspires me to this day. I would never have known the joy of laughing until it hurts with your best friend of 10 years. I wouldn’t have experienced some of the best food I’ve ever had, and how it feels to eat and enjoy without guilt. I never would have had my first kiss (traumatising) and many subsequent kisses (fantastic). I wouldn’t have known that I could start again over and over and over again. I never would have known how strong I am, to be able to start over and over and over again. I would have missed so many moments of bliss, from singing in a crowd to carefree moments skipping through town. I never would have felt what it’s like for my mind to quieten. To not be afraid of my thoughts. I wouldn’t be looking at the birds through my bedroom window if I had succeeded. I never would’ve known what it was like to fail if I succeeded. I would never have known that it’s a privilege to fail, if I succeeded.
I would have missed it all.
"What I want most is to live the rest of my life desperately wanting to live it" - Andrea Gibson, ‘The Day You Died Because'
