My mother had an operation on the eight of November, where everyone told me that she was going to be fine, even doctor who are friends of the family say that the operation takes one hour max and she would soon be home, don't worry about it, me being the pessimist that I am didn't believed them and sure enough today is the twenty nine and she is still in ICU and has yet to wake up, it been over twenty days and the doctors don't know why she won't wake up, ok to be fair the day after the surgery she did woke up and left, she was back the next day because she wasn't supposed to leave, she had an infection and it got worse when she came home, but my vent isn't about this, is about how tired I am, I spend the whole day in bed, like I couldn't move, it was like there was a freaking elephant sitting on top of me, I felt this way yesterday but I pushed through and went on with my day even if all I wanted was to sleep forever, I just can't go to the hospital anymore, I had been going there in the morning and in the evenings, the bed in front of her was an old man and he passed away and now there is a freaking baby and I just can't, okay he is not literally a baby, he is eighteen, but he has a big chance of not making and I just can't do this, I know is selfish but I just can't handle anymore, one month ago I told my dad I had reached the end of my rope and didn't knew what to do, but regardless I went to the hospital, spend the nights there, and now I am there at all visiting hours, I honestly don't know how I am doing this, I also told my father something for the first time and it was I don't have a connection with my mother and I was listening to Jon Stewart's interview on Howard Stern and how he went to see his father in the hospital and he thought 'this poor man' and not 'my poor father' because to him, the man in the bed was just a man, they never had a connection and that's how I feel about my mother, when the doctor told us that she could die my thought was 'this is gonna be awful for my father' and 'okay', I didn't thought of my pain because I can't honestly see myself suffering much for her death, this is a woman that tried to killed me multiple times when I was a child, this is a woman that use every opportunity to tell me I am not good enough and my father told me that I shouldn't feel bad for not going anymore because despite all this I still helped her, I have been taking care of my mother since I was eight, I have been cooking, cleaning, giving her baths, taking her to the doctors since I was a kid, but even whith all that I still feel guilty, not for her, but for put all this on my father.
blakekathryn
theartofmadeline
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s