this is for everyone like me who are in situations similar to, or exactly like these:
you’ve been struggling for years, since you were a kid, but you’re still fat
you were in forced recovery and you can’t seem to bounce back
you keep saying you’ll start tomorrow, or you’ll lock in next week or on a specific date, etc
you ended up in a binge cycle and gained more than what you started at
you developed BED as a result of ana or recovery from ana
etc
wake up tomorrow and weigh yourself. stare at the number the same way you did the first time you saw it. look at it with the same childlike horror and wonder if the scale is malfunctioning, and realize how big you actually are. look at yourself in the mirror for as long as you need and point out every imperfection. realize how much fat is actually covering your body. don’t open your phone or any calorie counting apps, don’t look at yourself past self, don’t think how “today i’m gonna actually lock in.” think of how disgusting you are. look at yourself, take it all in.
go throughout your day body checking and berating yourself, pinching your thighs or hitting your arms whenever you can. shake at the thought of food. don’t tell anyone. act like this is your first time. act like you’re still a child, act like you’re just going to “go on a diet,” and you’ll “eat normal at your gw.” treat yourself like the start of this. because it is, this is a new start, this is when you’re actually going to lose the weight, when youre actually going to push yourself.
only eat when offered to, walk in laps whenever you can. drink as much water as you can, throw up every time you feel full. don’t count calories, pretend like you don’t even know what they are. start doing sad workouts in your room, go out for runs, make a new account, start fresh.
