Listen to the dark

I don't really know how tumblr works. Here to express my feelings. I DON'T PROMOTE ANYTHING. 18+

[listentothedark]

There is no choice anymore, in either becoming numb or feeling everything.

[timotaychalamet]

“I remember everything.”

Call Me by Your Name (2017) dir. Luca Guadagnino

[listentothedark]

This movie....

[listentothedark]

My doctor

My doctor said I may not donate blood anymore. She said that if I do that, I need a blooddonor myself. Because my body is exhausted.

My mother said she is worried about my weight. She pretends she wants a hug but then she measures my stomach with her hands. I can’t really blame her because I fainted when I was with her. But I do blame her for always being obsessed with my weight. When I was weighing way more she said I had to loose weight, I couldn’t have ‘bad food’.

My boyfriend said that his ex girlfriend was fat. That thought haunts me. Does he think that way about me? He himself is skinny. I can see his ribs. I hate the feeling when I lay on top of him and he starts breathing heavily. But he said I should stop working out. He said I shouldn’t loose more weight. He said this is enough.

The voice in my head told me that “yes you are still healthy, you are still making sure you are getting your vitamins etc, but you can do better.” I want to see the scale saying 52 kg or even less? That feels like a naughty thought.

[paleairity]

Falling down the rabbit hole again

See you in wonderland

[listentothedark]

Time

Time goes by.

At 13 I thought I was too fat and started starving myself.

At 14 I couldn’t starve myself anymore and started to throw up to lose weight.

At 15 I did both and became depressed.

At 16 I didn’t want to be here anymore. I was still focusing on my weight.

At 17 I wanted curves so i gained weight. I hated myself. So I started losing weight again, and again. I started puking again.

At 18 I started going to the gym, 6 times a week. Not eating much, only working out. I was happy with my body but never happy enough. I didn’t have a social life or anything. I went on a vacation and gained a lot of weight. I was desperate. I realised i will never be happy with my body.

And that realisation breaks me.

[listentothedark]

Hold me, I'm falling apart.

Chemicals- Dean Lewis

[listentothedark]

First, I lost control. Then, I became numb.

L.TT.D

[listentothedark]

It’s so demotivating to work so hard for such a long time, to isolate yourself so you can feel comfortable in your own body. And then it's gone. I gained weight and I can’t look at myself in the mirror anymore.

[listentothedark]

[listentothedark]

Teach me how to dance with you, teach me how to love.

Causes

[listentothedark]

Love and pain go hand in hand.

L.TT.D

[listentothedark]

Some people are not made to love.

[listentothedark]

I never thought that I would see 2018.

[listentothedark]

I let you in. Inside my heart. Inside my mind. And when I did, you left me.

It hurts

[listentothedark]

Stressed and obsessed

L.TT.D

[sad-boney-boy-deactivated201804]

I have an eating disorder

That does not, in any way shape or form, mean I am “pro ana”

I know I post questionable material, but I would never encourage someone to copy my behaviour. I do the things I do because I am sick. I am very sick. Something is very wrong in my head.

So please please please, get out now before you get in too deep an remember that I’m always here to talk to

[listentothedark]

The feeling of being used is painful.

L.TT.D