TW: eating disorder. Anxiety. Depression.
I've always been a skinny person, but even if I was skinny I would get hungry a lot. Like A LOT. And I never thought of this as a bad thing, just thought "okay, I'm hungry. I want to eat." And would eat. My mom even used to say "now that you're at this age, you should eat the things you want because when you reach my age you are not able to eat all the things you used to." She would always tell me about limiting my soda or my garbage food however. Moving on.
One day some "friends" of mine told me that I should stop eating a lot, because I would become fat and nobody would want me then. And I hated that thought. I hated the fact that I would be alone if I kept eating as much as I did and for once, at a baby age (I think I was less than nine or around that age) I became self-conscious of my body. Told my self "okay, I'm good enough, I'm just gonna stop eating on recess." Which then became in not eating dinner, followed by leaving almost all my food at lunch. However, something my mom never allowed me was skipping breakfast so even if I wanted to, I could never lose my breakfast. I even sometimes felt guilty because I would eat something, anything and be like "oh crap."
I changed schools and by the end of that year I was already pretty much lonely so I thought "it's not use now." And almost began eating good again until I met some girls that soon became my friends and I was all over the same road again. The next year after that was the worst one yet, had no energy to do anything, friends would always leave me alone, I would faint because the lack of eating, self-harming, trying to end my life. Like I said, worst one yet.
I didn't want to be fat. I didn't want to be alone. Self-consciousness rule all over me, it was no longer my weight but my face and how my friends are much cuter than me but I'm not cute enough and no one would want me that way. And said friends would leave me alone and I would be like "crap, they think I'm not enough" and then tried to be enough.
I was a wreck. I was so self-conscious it made me depressed and it made me anxious. Lost weight just barely that you could see my ribs and I was not happy. Because that wasn't pretty and somehow in my twisted mind I thought the solution was being more skinny.
Well, long story short: even if I got better from that problem I never really got my appetite back. Would always eat breakfast but would eat almost nothing at lunch, and recess I gave my food away and no dinner. Like I said: lost my appetite. But I thought that was okay, because I didn't keep losing weight and I was holding up and I wanted to gain weight, not much, but at least just enough to gain what I lost.
After some years of having lost my appetite I began doing exercise (this year). Mostly because I was not doing anything with my life, had finished school, had not entered an university and pretty much had no clue of where I was heading so my depression started kicking again and I thought this was a nice way to quiet it down. It made me hungry. Very hungry. Finally got my appetite back.
But even now, as I'm writing this, sometimes I feel bad for getting hungry. And it sucks. It sucks because I want to be hungry and some days I would still skip dinner or try to not eat lunch for as long as I cam and I hate it. Because this is not what my body deserves. I have given it years of pain and heartbreak and I wish I could make it better, and some day I hope I can.
So, if anyone actually reads this, finds it lost between their timeline or the tags... It does get better. It takes time, a lot of will power, you will have times when you don't want to eat, but I tell you this because I wish someone would have told me this and also because right now I needed too:
there is nothing wrong with wanting to eat.
You might think there is, I honestly don't know what's going through that beautiful head of yours, but wanting to eat, should never feel like a sin, and eating is nothing that you should be ashamed of.
This is all from me, bye-bye Little Ghost ~
andulkaphoto
vaporwave
romaincrisis
jacobvanloon
