Okay, sorry if you are about to reblog this and my whole story it’s there, but tumblr somehow works for my like a kind of therapist, so don’t mind this message if you want, I just need to write.
The thing it’s that, since september, my life went upside down, problems arrived, and so did insomnia and depression once more, somehow, I managed to make this problems aside since I was in my thesis semester and didn’t want more trouble to come. But, when I ended the semester I felt tired, not only because of all the work done , but also I felt kind of drained, lifeless, just,,, like I needed to nap a whole year.
I tried my best to convince myself that it was only stress, that indeed needed to sleep and just relax, but oh man i was wrong. Drawing have always keep my mind sane, helped me with my depression but this time, I couldn’t bring myself to do it, not a single part of me wanted to touch my computer or paper, and I didn’t know exactly why.
I let time pass and nothing changed, I couldn’t bare to draw or sketch, it didn’t feel right, i didn’t have inspiration, motivation or just the will to make a drawing, I even felt like if I hated it. I think it was that. I didn’t like my drawings anymore, i didn’t like my compositions, lightning, colors, scales, nothing of my drawings liked me, and so I threw everything away, it didn’t felt like something i liked or enjoyed, it was just, a subject i hated it.
And then the worst to that problem came. Not just part of my family but people I get to trust and even love in some time of my life, kind of just... let all their thoughts towards me go. ‘Your art is not that great’, ‘I don’t know why you keep on trying’, ‘you are wasting your time’, ‘I’ve seen better’, ‘it’s kind of... mediocre, you know?’, ‘no one really likes what you do’, ‘I prefer a picture rather than a ‘realistic’ drawing’, ‘maybe you should really focus on other job, for the best...’ I don’t remember all the comments, but I remember the people who told them. It wasn’t jealousy, it was the truth, I least I did believe them all, at the point where I consider of deleting every single drawing. I looked at every single piece I had made over the years and I felt so foreign to them, they didn’t bring any sense of happiness to me anymore, they looked empty and without a soul... I even looked at the mistakes of each of them and I felt worst... ‘how did I dare to upload this?’
After that I didn’t I kind of quit drawing for good, I will only do it for my career and that was it, so I focused my time in other things, like reading more books, watching new movies, spent more time with my pets, even tv shows, which I rarely do, and let me tell you this is kind of cheesy but I wasn’t very frenetic to watch the Mandalorian but, I did and maybe it was the push I needed.
I felt like a child. That’s it. My childhood came back in the first episode, I remember the first time I watched Star Wars with my brother, how we fight with plastic light sabers, how we dreamed to be Jedi’s, and the desire to have countless adventures. I felt amazed, like that Ratatouille moment, I’m not kidding, I felt the same, and so, I admire the show, the lights, the world, the creatures, the textures, the design... you don’t know how many times I said ‘I need to draw that armor, it’s to amazing’ ... I was in awe.
That’s is why it’s a kind of cheesy love letter. I can’t believe something of that nature made me loved again something I was hating at the moment. Since I don’t know how long, I wanted to express feelings in my drawings, I wanted the eyes to talk as well as a posture. I wanted lights to add feelings and colors to complete an experience... I missed that so much and I didn’t realized it before.
Still. I’m just sketching at the moment, I feel like I need to warm up again to do great things in the future. And so, to the people that didn’t like it in the beginning, well, I’m not going to stop drawing just because they don’t want me to, that’s how I express my feelings, how I share my point of view and what I’m best at.
So, this two drawings means a lot for me, much more than I can express with words, and after all, they represent the beginning of a new year, and new things to come.
baratheonpilled
2087
tangentwithtanner
origamiaround
dededos
jacobvanloon
kaledo-art
yousharknotpass
