I'm going to step on my soapbox for a bit and vent about the thoughts I've had lately about power exchange relationships in a Leader/Follower or D/S setting. For a lot of folks (including me) the deep seated desire or drive to serve/please or serve/lead is inherent. It's just there. Kind of like your heartbeat or the blood circulating in your veins.
It has a significant impact on your decisions, your feelings, your self image, your way of relating to situations and other people. It can be a beautiful and empowering drive woven into your life, both sides of the slash. Equally it can be a destructive and diminishing force in your life.
So how do you navigate the instincts you have in a positive way? Here's a few questions I came up with to help with distinguishing the wheat from the chaff for both parties... Feel free to add to this if you come up with your own ideas, I'd love to hear them!
Is what you are participating in and/or cocreating life enhancing?
Is your partner/partners aware/or want to find out and respect your limits (hard and soft)?
Are you afraid to voice concers or issues with them?
Do they welcome or shun your feedback?
Are they able to take personal responsibility in times when they were wrong (or is it always your or someone or something else's fault)?
Do they care enough to get to know you better as a person?
Do they take into account and respect you as an individual person and want to know the myriad of ways this and your unique circumstances affect or may affect your dynamic?
Do you feel like you can approach them honestly and perhaps at times in a vulnerable state to discuss something relevant?
Do they answer relevant questions you may have or shut them down?
If you have a concern which you voice do you end up feeling like you were "in the wrong" for bringing it up in the first place?
Are they honest, upright, clear and forthright with their expectations, must-haves and limits?
Is the communication between you reciprocal, consistent and open?
Do you feel respected and valued?
Are they interested in and committed to providing you with the type of aftercare you stated you need?
Do they withold attention, affection, care or communication as a punishment or after a disagreement?
Do they talk about you behind your back rather than solving issues or disagreements directly with you?
Do they treat you different in private than in public?
Do you feel like they are ashamed to be associated with you in front of others?
Do they voice their grievances in a passive aggressive, aggressive or blaming way or do you feel like they present them in a us together vs the problem?
Do they afford you the same respect, care, support and consideration as you are giving or what they expect from you towards them? Is it equal or one sided?
Do they make time for you?
Do they appreciate and acknowledge your efforts?
Do you feel seen, heard and understood?
P.S. Trust your gut ! (unless you have GAD or the like, in which case don't, instead observe patterns of behaviour.)
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