My Beautiful, Chaotic, Life

Hey everyone, Welcome to my life, raw and unfiltered. I hope you enjoy this as much as I do! Enjoy!

[livelovechaos]

2016 taught me love. 2017 taught me patience. 2018 taught me pain.

[livelovechaos]

A little update on working at seaworld!

I have been so freaking busy with mom life, wife life, and working life that I haven’t had much time to write about it all lol. I told you guys, a few posts ago, that I got a job at seaworld (yay me)... but I never told you what I thought or how I liked it!

It’s kind of scary.. I actually look forward to going to work. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s a few hours to myself, or I just genuinely enjoy it. Before becoming a mom, I had a job and constantly called out “sick”. Being a stay at home mom for 2 years has definitely made me realize that I took working for granted. I missed having my own time, and not to mention my own money. I’m so thankful this year because I’ll actually have my own spending money for Christmas!

So at seaworld I work at the tickets and reservations booth. Your first thought is ohh. That’s easy peasy. You’re just selling tickets. WRONG wrong wrong. It’s been so hard to learn what the heck I’m doing! It’s not as simple as just selling tickets. I also hate asking my leads for help on what the I’m doing. The last weekend I working I was happy because I had only asked a few questions! Working in customer service is something I’ve never really done before and SHEESH people can be so freaking rude. You see those memes on fb & instagram about having your customer service voice and it is so true lol. So far though, I honestly like it. The people I work with are pretty nice and it’s a decent environment. I always tell myself I’m doing this for Orion. That way I don’t have to think twice if he needs a new car seat or new shoes. It’s quite annoying because it’s hard not to feel guilty. You feel like your leaving your little one, and it hurts! Lol if your not a parent then that probably makes no sense. I was on the verge of not taking the job because I couldn’t imagine leaving Orion... but I’m so glad I did!

How do I feel about working weekends? Well it has its pros and cons. I love working weekends because I can still be a stay at home mom during the week! I dislike it though, because I feel like it takes away from AJ and I. Gladly, we’ve been making it work!

I’m so so so happy I got this job though! I needed it, for myself. Something to be proud of, something to look forward to.

[livelovechaos]

ALOHA🏝🥥

So as you all probably know AJ and I took a vacation for my 21st birthday and let me tell y’all, it was much needed. We flew out the day before my birthday and holy crap... flying over the ocean for 5 hours straight was trippy, and needless to say, boring. I have never felt the type of humidity in my life or seen water so blue. I legit fell in love with not only the island but also the people (the locals, not tourists). Seriously every local we met was so kind, humble, and genuine .. San Diego is nothing like that.

We stayed in Oahu on Waikiki beach and every single thing about the area was gorgeous and our hotel was freaking nice. The day of the birthday we went parasailing and it was INSANE. I think I enjoyed the bumpy, boat ride out to sea more than the parasailing itself. We also ended up going to a luau which was soooo cool. Yeah you see it in movies and on TV but the real life thing was pretty awesome. They actually pulled a whole pig out of the ground. And we ate it. I think my favorite part of the whole trip was Lanikai Beach. The most beautiful beach I have ever freaking seen. To be honest though, San Diego’s beaches are shit compared to Hawaii lol. We also went snorkeling in Hanauma Bay, it was BEAUTIFUL but a little too crowded for me. Oh! And we went to the cafe from 50 First Dates. It wasn’t the actual building from the movie, and they didn’t even serve waffles but it was still super cheap and super delicious.

Overall I think it was one of the best birthday I have ever had.. AJ got me out of my shell and we went snorkeling and hiking. I wasn’t a fan of either lol but it’s all about compromise. I missed Orion though, ALOT. I think we needed it though, because we rarely have us time. We always have so many other things going on in our day to day lives that we tend to forget about focusing on eachother.

[livelovechaos]

How I keep my toddler busy.

They say that TV is the best babysitter and boy, they aren’t lying. About a week ago, I decided to cut out screen time. I figured it was time to let Orion use his imagine. I used screen time to get a little time to myself, to clean the house, and get daily chores done.. and that’s still okay. But I’m the type of person who leaves the TV on all day, and that doesn’t benefit anyone, but my cable bill.

I’ve gone to my mom groups asking what to do to keep my two year old busy, and myself sane. I’ve gone through the depths of Pinterest to look for sensory activities. I thought cutting screen time would be hard.. but we’re about a week in and it’s going beautifully. If we’re not outside or at the park then we’re out shopping or at the zoo. Yesterday we even walked around target just to get out of the house! Not to mention, we read for about an hour.. which is not my favorite but it’s so good for him.

A lot of things I found that interested me was arts and crafts and sensory bins! Now, they may seem like a good amount of work but it’s something to keep your child busy and out of your hair. Sensory bins are really cool and for the most part super cheap! You can use rice, beans, macaroni noodles, corn kernels.

[livelovechaos]

This mama finally got a job! 🎉

I’ve had so many people ask where I’m working & what I’m doing. I figured that I would just make a post about it! I got a job at Seaworld.

I saw that they were hiring and said screw it, so I filled out an application for the hostess position. I got the first interview and did well, so I was call back for a follow up! They offered me the job and I found out that I had applied for a janitorial position, I don’t know about y’all, but cleaning toilets isn’t for me. So they gave me the option of working for guest services which is what I originally wanted! Guest services is mainly working the ticket booths!

Thankfully, they can work with my schedule.. because finding a reliable babysitter or a reasonably priced day care can be tough. So until we figure out how we’re going to do that, I’m mainly just working weekends!

I’m soooo thankful that I ended up getting this job because I needed this for my family and I. Not only for us, but also for me, mentally. I love being a stay at home mom and for the most part, I can still do that.. but I needed something for myself! It’s funny because when I first had Orion, everyone always told me to talk all the help you can get. I never did though because I’m the type of person to do everything for myself. But since I need this so bad, I’m finally taking everyone’s help and trying to not feel guilty in the process lol. I’m so ready to start this part of my life!

[livelovechaos]

Friends? What the heck are those?!?!

Let me start this post off with saying I have an amazing group of friends, and I’m not bashing any of them.

When I say I have an amazing group, I have three friends. Three friends I share my secrets with, three friends I hang out with, and three friends I really keep in touch with. You see memes or posts about finding out who your real friends are once you get pregnant and damn, it’s the truth. I’ve always been an introvert. Never one to go out every weekend or hang out with different people all the time. During high school I had a really good friend who completely vanished and if you don’t have time for me, then I don’t have time for you. I can make a buttload of plans but I’ll normally flake right before & the day of. Which sucks and I don’t know why I’m like this 😂 but at least I’m admitting that I have an issue. When you become a mom, it’s hard to hang out with people who aren’t used to kids. You’re constantly having to stop, feed your child, change a diaper, do this..do that.. and some people can’t handle that. You’re constantly apologizing, or atleast I am.

Mom friends. A whooooole different topic. I have a few mom friends, but nobody that I’m extremely close with. However, I wish it was different. I wish I had a mom friend with a child the same age as Orion so they could grow up together. It’s nice to have mom friends because you can relate to EVERYTHING. I always have a little voice telling me to be social, go to play dates, MAKE FRIENDS. But I’m not sure why I find it so damn hard. I would love to be that mom who always has meet ups at her house. Not only do I need friends but I’m guessing that I feel guilty because I wish Orion did too. I’m just venting because In a sense it’s frustrating. I’m not deserpate lol but I could use some girl nights, hang outs with the kids, weekend BBQs. It’d be nice, ya know? I have found it so hard to make friends, especially being a stay at home mom. Ofcourse I’m apart of mom groups on Facebook, but like I said, being an introvert with anxiety doesn’t really help. I’m so socially awkward it’s pathetic.

However, I’m so thankful for the friends that I do have in my life. My close friends who check up on my family and I. The one that have kept in touch over the years. If you’re reading this, you guys are the real ones ❤️

[livelovechaos]

This really spoke to me.

On another note, gooood morning 💜

[livelovechaos]

Judgey eyes & butterflies.

Oh man. Things I never knew until I became a mom.

I feel like as women, we always have that motherly instinct. We easily figure things out when we become pregnant or become mothers. However, there are things I never knew until now.

• Patience. A butt load of patience. You learn to go with the flow and shrug your shoulders.

•Temper tantrums are real. And you will most likely sit there not giving a shit.

• I had NO IDEA I’d be able to handle getting an epidural like a freaking champ.

•Breast feeding is hard. Seriously it’s fucking hard and it’s easy to just give up (I’ll do a blog about my BF journey another time)

• I’ve never been more protective over anything else.

•Being pooped on or spit up on isn’t that big of a deal.. seriously, doesn’t phase you once you become a mom

•judgey eyes are EVERYWHERE. EVERY RESTURANT, EVERY GROCERY STORE.

• If you thought your hormones were bad before you had a baby, just wait.

• your child will fight you to get in the car seat. Sometimes they win, sometimes it’s easier to just not go.

I think the hardest part are the judge mental assholes. When I was pregnant I was obviously young. So people would look at my belly and slooooowly work their way up to my face, to AJ, and back to me. You have no idea how many times I’ve heard “but you’re so young.” And that’s what pisses me off the most. I hate hearing that. Then you have the people that just stare at you as your child is rolling around screaming. Trust me, there’s only so much you can do lol. You have the people who believe spankings are a good form of punishment, and you have the people who think spanking is abuse. So your damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

I always joke to my mom about being able to keep Orion alive longer than a goldfish.. but there really is no manual. I remember in the hospital they woke us up at about 2am and taught me how to give Orion a bath. And I knew I was never going to get enough sleep again. In the hospital I was waking up every few minutes to a crying baby having no freaking idea what to do and if look over st AJ who was sleeping peacefully on the couch beside me. I’m still learning how to “MOM” how to parent. I’m the hardest critique, I’m my biggest judge.

Never be too hard on yourself because you need to remember you are doing the best you can every single day

[livelovechaos]

LOVING AJ 101

Soooo growing up, my dad was never really in my life. I never got the opportunity to watch love growing up. I didn’t see my mom and dad affectionate, I didn’t see them arguing. I didn’t learn how to love from my parents, although my mom has taught me a lot with her wise ass words , I never saw it.

So anyway. I’m the type of person... if I’m around someone for too long I become a cold hearted bitch and tend to push that person away. But that never happened with AJ. I constantly wanted to be in his presence. So when we moved in together. That’s what scared me, I had never lived with anyone but my mom. It was hard in the beginning understanding that it was BOTH our house and not just MINE. I had many breakdowns. It was so hard to learn how to compromise.

I’m still learning how to do this, over four years later, but COMMUNICATION is so so so important. Like I said, I’m still learning.. but it’s so much easier to sit AJ down and talk instead of bottling up my emotions and fighting.

Marriage ain’t easy, I bet anyone can tell you that. You can learn how to love from your mom & dad, aunt & uncle, grandma & grandpa.. but you and your significant other will find your own way to love eachother. With AJ and I being much younger we’ve gotten the chance to learn and grow from one another and I really appreciate that. Loyalty and trust come behind communication, or maybe that’s first for some of you. After having Orion I’ve become so insecure about my body. Between insecurity and anxiety I’m fucked lol. But seriously I have doubts a lot of the time, what if I’m not good enough, what if AJ doesn’t find me attractive in a few years. What if, what if, what if. YOUR MAN MARRIED YOU FOR A REASON, so stop doubting yourself. If you trust your man, you should never have to worry. Never have to doubt.

MOSTY IMPORTANTLY. Never stop loving eachother. I like to do little things to show AJ that I appreciate him. I love making sure he has clean work clothes, and a clean house to come home to every day. We have a routine at night where we either sit outside or watch our favorite shows together. You hear that quote “never stop dating” and that’s what I try and do. It’s just about making an effort.

Marriage is hard. One of the hardest things like ever. Finding someone who loves you endlessly is the best gift.

So, to sum it up... always let your husband know how you’re feeling. Be upfront and honest. Don’t stop showing them appreciation. Trust them! If you don’t, then you have an issue.. show the affection. It’s appreciated on both ends. Never stop trying.

[livelovechaos]

[livelovechaos]

The hardest part.

I have felt so defeated lately. Don’t get me wrong, being a stay at home mom has sooo many amazing benefits... but I miss working. I miss being able to support myself. I am all for being a young mom but I never have a chance to do something for myself. I definitely took working for granted and I get so freaking frustrated because I cannot support my family. San Diego is so god dang expensive that we do live paycheck to paycheck. We make things work.

I’m so freaking thankful that AJ understands that me staying at home right now is okay. He’s been the most understanding. I just don’t feel like I’ve been able to make anyone proud. Yeah, I can make my family proud because I am an amazing ass mom and an incredible wife. That’s it. I’m a mom and a wife. I didn’t go to college. The only school I graduated was high school. I think that’s the most frustrating part of it all is that I didn’t get the chance to make anything of myself. You see these posts on Facebook saying that a woman should never depend on a man.. and I guess that makes me feel like crap. I want to be that strong, independent woman. I want to make my own money, and spoil myself when I feel like it. I end up feeling guilty. I feel guilty when I take time to myself. I feel guilty if I even buy something for myself, but I guess that’s what it’s like to be a mother. You somehow always feel guilty for doing things for yourself.. I guess I just want to give Orion every single thing he could ever want. I just want him to know that his mom works her ass off to provide for her family.

2019 is going to be my year y’all. I have goals. I’m going to make it happen. I’m going to do this for ME

[livelovechaos]

Dear mom.

If you personally know me, then you know that my mom is my best friend. And if you don’t know me.. well my mom is my best friend lol. It’s always been just my mom and I. Some people either don’t get along with their mom’s, or don’t have a mom at all, but I am so thankful for mine.

Since as long as I can remember my mom and I have always been extremely close. She always made sure I had everything I ever needed and more. If we weren’t at the zoo or seaworld, then we were at Disneyland. We were that house in the neighborhood where all the kids came to hang out. Not to mention, she always made the best home cooked meals.

My mom is so beautiful, inside and out. She’s someone I share all of my secrets with. I look up to her for multiple reasons. She’s fucking incredible. She’s a hard ass worker. She’s a single mother. I mean cmon, she’s super woman. She was and still is my shoulder to cry on. Honestly, I’m thankful it was always just my mom and I, because we have an unbreakable bond. My mom always told me that no matter what we will find a way.. and that’s currently the motto I live by today.

I guess I just wanted to sit here and say that my mom is the woman I strive to be, strong and independent. Caring and loving, but don’t get on my bad side. I call my mom maybe 20 times a day? I honestly don’t know where I would be without her. Mothers are angels that walk the earth. I just encourage everyone to be kind and loving to their moms for multiple reasons. They were your first love, your protector, and your teacher all in one. They made sure you had clothes on your back and a roof over your head, your shoulder to cry on.

Dear mom, thank you for being you. Thank you for loving me endlessly. Thank you for being an amazing nang nang to Orion. Thank you for waking up and kicking ass every day. I love you.

[livelovechaos]

ORION TURNS 2!!!

Over the last week I have been soooo busy. Between hotel and Disneyland planning and birthday party planned I’ve lived off of coffee and a few shots of vodka.

Disneyland was such a good time! I truly believe Orion enjoyed it. I don’t know if that’s because I enjoyed it more, but it was an overall great day. We battled the heat, we battled the crowd. You don’t know a challenge until you conquer Disneyland with a stroller 🙃 I highly encourage everyone with young children to go to Disney!

Birthday party planning is the most stressful time of the year for me. It’s almost like nobody knows how to RSVP anymore so you literally have no idea how many people are going to show up. So you have to guess on food and drinks and pray to god you have enough. We decided to keep this party small since we were having it at our house.. and well, our lack of friends lol, unfortunately both AJ and I are introverts for the most part and making mom friends is HARD. Anyway, all that mattered to me was that I had the most important people in Orions life there. Orions birthday was filled with good family, good friends, and good food ❤️

[plus-sizebae]

[livelovechaos]

Why is this me though 😂😂😂😂😂

[livelovechaos]

Deployment. The good. The bad. The ugly.

Apparently to a lot of people, being a military life is the good life. A lot of people seem to “romanticize” military relationships but that’s NOT THE CASE. Being in a military relationships means going weeks/months without seeing your loved one. It’s the unknown. It’s pretty much the government running your life. It’s not all peaches and cream.

We were preparing for deployment, but how do you really do that. You have no idea where your SO (significant other) is going, or ideally how long they will be gone for. You have no idea how you’ll be able to talk to them or when.. it’s freaking rough.

AJ s deployment was a total of 7 months. His first stop was Hawaii and I thought eh. This is going to be easy. The hardest part was the port stops. While he was working his ass off it was hard for me because I practically felt like he was on vacation. Nobody warns you about these feelings. Even though he was at all of these luxurious locations, he was strictly there for work. He went to Hawaii, Guam, India, Singapore, Dubai, and back to Hawaii. Seriously...how can I not be jealous of all the traveling being done?! So you expect to talk to them during this time in port but you forget about the time difference. So not only are you up waiting, but some nights up crying because the phone calls don’t work out. You constantly wonder what their doing, who they’re hanging out with, or if their living the good life.

My main thing is you need TRUST AND COMMUNICATION. We were lucky enough to be able to talk almost daily. If it wasn’t phone calls than it was Facebook. I also made a lot of care packages. Not only for AJ but also his friends for every holiday. I’m just thankful we got this opportunity because it really puts your relationship to the test. We always said if we can make it through boot camp then we can make it through anything. Deployments are easy if you make them.. and hard if you make it.

The best part about deployment is they come home and you remember why you fell in love. You get butterflies all over again. Also, the deployment beard is hot soooo...

[livelovechaos]

Stay at home mom.. is it everything I really dreamed of?

Being a stay at home mom is incredible. It’s quality time with your child. It’s watching them grow and learn every single day. You are their mentor, their protector, their teacher.

Honestly, I love being a stay at home mom and a house wife, I love that AJ has a clean house to come home to, and dinner is usually made. I realize not a lot of people get the opportunity because we need to work. We have to support our families. One thing people who aren’t parents don’t realize is how DAMN expensive childcare is. Let me tell you.. That shit is out of this world. If I were to get a job, a large portion of my paycheck would go straight to a daycare.. so is it really worth it?

Us mom’s don’t speak about the downside of being a stay at home mom. Postpartum depression is a REAL THING. It’s fucking lonely. You’re with a child who doesn’t speak anything but gibberish all day. It’s exhausting. Free time/time to myself.. I don’t even know what that is. We constantly want to get out of the house but it’s a struggle alone to make it that far. You see memes about “you can ruin a toddlers day by just asking them to put on pants” THAT SHIT IS SO TRUE. It’s been hard for my family because AJ works all day, while I’m at home. By the time we gets home and wants to relax, I wat to get out and do stuff. It’s been difficult to find that in between. Not only that, but with AJ being in the military.. there’s weeks and months where I have to parent on my own.

You miss the real world. You almost forget how to be human, because all you are is Mom. I took working for granted.. I miss being able to make my own money. Even though I’m not, I feel like I’m sitting on my ass doing the same thing day after day. Honestly, some days I feel like I’m losing it. Staying at home with Orion is the hardest thing I have ever done. It’s all about finding a balance. Between real life and mom life. Between time with your family and time for yourself. Most importantly, being a stay at home mom is soooo rewarding. The opportunity to spend every day with your child. When they learn something new, it’s because of you. It’s amazing.